Falling Down

Spurs fans: Maracas?

Actually, I'd pay money to see race-traitor Steven shake maracas.

Manu's bald spot is like manifest destiny.

Idolator asks: Are there any musical acts who have come up since the turn of the millennium who can headline a 50,000-capacity festival?

Coldplay and Jack Johnson for sure. Kanye West. The Killers. Linkin Park. Muse.

Jeesh. The music industry has established about as many superstars since the turn of the millennium as WWE.

Adam Riff™ guilty pleasure Nathan Jones returns to cinemas in Som Tam, a martial arts comedy about a timid foreigner in Bangkok who hulks up when he eats the titular spicy papaya salad.


Hurl! will debut this summer on G4.

Four contestants must each eat large amounts of a specific food like chicken pot pie or mac and cheese in a short period of time.

The contestants that ate the most food and didn't regurgitate move on to a physical challenge like strapping into a gyroscope or sitting down for a sadistic tea-cup ride.

Anyone who hasn't lost their lunch will then be forced to eat MORE of the same kind of food. [more]

Inducing vomit for entertainment purposes is definitely a better use of food than feeding the hungry.

Wendy's has joined McDonald's and KFC in selling a chicken wrap. I wonder which one is The Apprentice, which one is The Rebel Billionaire and which one is The Benefactor.

Eat your heart out, Letterman.

If you need me, I'll be in my lab
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Royal Caribbean Cruises announced that an area resembling New York's Central Park spanning the length of a football field will be featured in the center of its Project Genesis ship. [more]

Imagine if Dubai built a cruise ship.

Idea: A cruise ship with an artificial river on board that you can sail down in a smaller cruise ship.

Idea: A Royal Caribbean sandcrawler.

I abhor cruises (traumatized as a child), but I'd totally vacation in a luxurious sandcrawler.

Idea: A revolving sushi boat restaurant.

Patrons sit and dine in boats that sail around a loop of little plates of sushi.

Better yet: A fusion revolving sushi boat restaurant.

Patrons sit and dine in gondolas that sail around a loop of little plates of sushi. Gondoliers identify items for patrons in song.

"When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
That's hamachi
When the world seems to shine like you've had too much wine
That's a Philadelphia roll…"


Arby's has joined Quizno's, Lean Cuisine and Oscar Mayer in selling flatbread sandwiches. I wonder which one is Millionaire, which one is Greed, which one is Twenty One and which one is Winning Lines.

literal rick rolls

Fortified with optimism

HBO is developing "Hung," a comedy series about a well-endowed man who figures out a way to take advantage of his physical gift. [more]

"It's Little Donny meets Spider-Man!"

I bet he figures out how to take advantage of his gift in therapy.

Suckiest blog Zach Braff Yankees masturbation!

» The NFL Draft is the opposite of a Sephora store.

» I wish employers in other fields guaranteed entry-level hires millions of dollars for their potential.

» Under Armour needs to change ad agencies.

MTV has ordered Chubby Model, a plus-sized model competition. [more]

» Zito is more of a cancer to the Giants than Bonds ever (supposedly) was.

Oxygen is developing Dance Your Ass Off, a combination of dancing and weight loss competitions. [more]

» Delonte West's voice sounds like a cross between Meatwad, Adam Sandler and The Ladies Man.

» Al Horford has big ears.

» When did Cheryl Miller become Snoop of The Wire?

G4 is developing Anytown Beatdown, a UFC-style series where friends and rivals resolve their differences by fighting in an octagon. [more]

» I can't escape the trailer for My Best Friend's Girl at the cineplex. In retrospect, I'm glad that Marcia Gay Harden beat out Kate Hudson for "best supporting actress."

» "Teddy Grahams, mozzarella sticks and strawberry yogurt flavored dip" is an actual Lunchables Jr. snack combination.

» I've never eaten or even seen a hot cross bun.

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Mix Tape Song Hall of Fame

Hugs and Drugs

A 29-year-old man has been arrested in connection with the death of a teen.

Jamie D. Leavitt, 16, drank meth-laced water and then, while in a "drug-induced state," repeatedly tried to hug the older man.

The suspect punched the boy in the face several times after the boy kept trying to hug him. [source]

"Cause of death?"

It's not the horniness

DHD posted a list of television pilots that are under consideration for pick-up.

Fox loaded up on fanbait — a J.J. Abrams drama, a Joss Whedon drama, an adaptation of Simon Pegg's cult British series Spaced, a comedy set in a spaceship developed by the creators of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Other highlights:

90210, an update (CW).

Cleveland, a Family Guy spin-off (Fox).

Prince of Motor City, "Hamlet set in Detroit" (ABC).

"Something is rotten in the city of Detroit…"

Idea: Celebrity Double Dates, a reality series.

Sample first season:

Episode 1
Dwyane Wade and Star Jones +
Baron Davis and Teri Hatcher

Episode 2
Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson +
Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson

Episode 3
Milo Ventimiglia and Hayden Panettiere +
Michael C. Hall and Jennifer Carpenter

Episode 4
Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens +
Devendra Banhart and Natalie Portman

Episode 5
Marilyn Manson and Evan Rachel Wood +
Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart

Devendra Banhart and Natalie Portman +
Marilyn Manson and Evan Rachel Wood

would also be entertaining.

The 2008 NFL Un-Draft
Gentrification Bingo
Rebate checks start arriving Monday!

Don Draper

Previously on Adam Riff™:

My buddy Jose won a Pulitzer this week as part of the Washington Post staff that covered last year's shootings at Virginia Tech.

Jose called.

"Jon, are you free next Wednesday night?"

"Probably. Why?"

"The venture capitalist who paid my college tuition is throwing me a party in Palo Alto. I can invite 20 people. I want you to attend."


"Eleanor and Nathalie will be there too, so you'll know some people."

Eleanor and Nathalie? I thought. From high school?

Swell. I've spent the better part of this decade fleeing my past, and he sets me up to re-connect. It won't be awkward at all!

Oh and what if he invites her?

While I no longer actively hate her with every atom of my being, I will NEVER let bygones be bygones. Simply typing "her" re-aggravated the wound.

Guh. Why did I agree to attend?

Right. Because Jose's my friend, and you're supposed to support friends.

"Remember my series on AIDS? A local filmmaker is adapting it into a documentary feature. I'm receiving writing and producing credits."


Fuck him.

The Vast Spoils of America

Redskins Cheerleaders Shake Up Cricket In India


Kerala, 30
"The cheerleaders are heroes in their ability to make people excited."

Setty Bishum, 55
"They're the only reason I am here. I wanted to treat myself. It's a new era for cricket — hooray for American cheerleaders!"

Boria Majumdar,
sports historian
"One-third of these people are here to see the cheerleaders. Sexuality and cricket is the way forward."

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Shoulder to the wheel

Previously on Adam Riff™:

"Let's make him drive all the way up here and beg for traffic school to keep a cheap violation off his heretofore clean record!"

Beg and you shall receive.

When I saw the list of licensed classroom traffic schools

Pizza 4U – Great Comedians
HDTV Weekend Traffic School
Fun…N…Cheap… Comedy Traffic School
Great Comedy School
Improv…The Comedy Club Presents
Cheap Comedy 4-U
Rocky Cologne's Comedy Traffic School
Lettuce Amuse U Comedy Schools Inc.
Comedy For Less Traffic School

I opted for an Internet course — at California Jammin Traffic School.

The cost of being photographed not stopping completely before turning right on red will total about $500.

Seeing cars with one person inside zip past me in the carpool lane while I respect traffic laws and inch up/down 101 because THE WHOLE WORLD WORKS IN PALO ALTO absolutely infuriates me.

I wonder if Liberty City IV has carpool lanes.

How many Spanish radio stations do Hispanic people need? It seems like every other station on the dial is a Spanish one, and they all play the same lo-fi, mariachi fiesta music that you hear in chain Mexican restaurants.

Surely Hispanic people like other genres of music.

I saw a man driving while doing a sudoku puzzle on his steering wheel, pen in hand.

And I'm the one attending traffic school.

I saw a Jeep with a bumper sticker that read "Got Hope?" The dot of the question mark was an Obama logo.

I believe he changed the word "milk."

progressive southern thinkers

Spilled Beer

There is speculation that Jason Castro will sing "Memory" from the musical Cats. [source]

The highlight of my day was processing an order for a still photographer on the set of High School Musical 3.

A close second: hearing my boss poop in the men's restroom.

He looks like he's wearing eyelid stickers.

US Airways says it will begin charging passengers extra for an aisle or window seat on some of its planes. [source]

"Except for fat people. They get a discount."

Adam Ramblings 22

» This is an odd request, but I'm looking for a bone marrow donor.

I… How do I say this?

I tried it last night and it is fuckin' delicious!

Premium chocolate products are typically more resilient when consumer spending in general slumps, analysts say. [source]

"I can't afford this handbag. [sigh] I need some dark chocolate to console myself."

» "I always loved you best/most" is such a devastating line. Someone should say it in every television series finale. I plan to utter it on my deathbed.

» According to NBC, Robin Williams is a "legendary performer."

» NBC at the Pump makes fuelin' up about as fun as paying $4.09 a gallon does.

» Shorter Tim Goodman: "Cable television rocks! HBO sucks!"


» Tuesday is Andrew Lloyd Webber night on Idol. Can America hear some Starlight Express, please?

» Hellboy II looks like Pan's Labyrinth II. It even has a character with eyes in unusual locations.

» At the cinema this weekend, I saw a cardboard stand-up for Ice Age 3, which opens on July 1, 2009. Yes, 14 months from now.

Of course, if my studio's summer slate consisted of Ashton Kutcher and Eddie Murphy comedies, an M. Night Shyamalan film and The X-Files 2, I'd begin hyping 2009 offerings too.

» According to Wikipedia, Fox will release Speed 3 on October 28, 2009.


I don't think I'm ready for that jelly.

The climactic boat crash scene in Speed 2 cost more than the entire budget of Speed. [source]

Director Jan De Bont built a 50-foot-tall, 600,000-pound replica of the ship that was pulled on rails by a diesel engine through the island of St. Martin. [source]

And yet, Speed 2 was still a lesser waste of money than Barry Zito.

» The Giants can release Barry Zito in September 2013.

» Pacific Ice sells synthetic backyard hockey rinks. I wonder if you can curl on synthetic ice.

» Reggie Miller has a voice for print.

» Hoda Kotb's head is completely monotone.

» If "shorty" is slang for "girl," then what is the slang term for "female midget"?

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