Pow! Right in the kisser!

directed by Spike Jonze

Watch the whole video. The explosions are real.

music: M83 – "Lower Your Eyelids to Die With the Sun"

Rachael Ray is hosting a party at South by Southwest with performances by Holy Fuck and her husband's band The Cringe, and "Pedro" from Napoleon Dynamite DJ-ing.

Just in case there was any lingering confusion, SXSW is so completely over.

Feedback With Rachael Ray
Rosie O'Donnell and Fran Drescher are working together on a family sitcom
This isn't magic!
Taste Test: Cheeseburger In A Can
a Big Mac with chicken patties as the bread

Terror Twilight

Yesterday was my mother's birthday.

I had purposely lost count of my mother's age to avoid having to deal with her mortality, but yesterday, my father let it slip.

She's 60.


I've lost enough people in my life that loss no longer fazes me, and I've never grieved for anyone but myself.

I thought, however, that I had more time to become someone my family could depend on, someone my brother could depend on.

Objects in mirror are closer than they appear.

The Evolution of Dance

Disney will proceed with a third installment of its hit dance franchise "Step Up," tentatively titled "Step Up 3-D." [source]

and then: A Step Up 4-D motion simulator ride at Disneyland.

and then: Step Up: Bruno vs. Carrie Ann. Keep the crews, dump the singing.

and then: Step Up On Ice.

and then: Step Up The Weekend at Walt Disney World.

and then: Step Up 4 Your Country ("from the studio that brought you Remember the Titans").

Top 12 will perform Beatles songs for the first time in American Idol history
Iconic Moments of the 20th Century re-enacted in a home for the elderly
Optimus Prime Does The Evolution of Dance

Hostel Takeover

I can't decide what amuses me more:
the title of the movie or the accompanying image.

Besides the obligatory shotgun to the head routine, one cheerleader has her jaw ripped off; and a pregnant girl suffers an unwilling abortion, then lives just long enough to see a zombie devouring her fetus. [source]

Ah so…

Music has been used in American military prisons and on bases to induce sleep deprivation, "prolong capture shock," disorient detainees during interrogations—and also drown out screams. [source]

"Babylon" by David Gray — bwah!

"He's a serial killer, but he only kills other serial killers!"

In the penultimate episode of The Wire, Michael walks in on Dukie watching Dexter. Blink and you'll miss it.

It feels like a POWER DRILL in her.

A chocolate helmet shaped like Master Chief for your penis
The Meat House
The Pizzaburger
Battered and deep-fried White Castle cheeseburgers

No Love Lost

I had a nightmare last night.

In this nightmare, I learned that I forgot to include the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament in this week's sidebar and freaked out.

"What? It doesn't begin this week! I would know if it began this week! Why would MARCH Madness begin in February? It was pushed up? What the? Why? The season's still in progress! I just… It isn't? WHAT? No way… No no no no no no no! LIES! You LIE! That isn't true! I know that isn't true! LIAR! I researched this sidebar thoroughly! I would never let the biggest sporting event of March or February or whatever slip past me! I would…..MOTHERFUCKER! Fuck me! This is embarrassing! I look so fuckin' unprofessional! How did…..guh! Deep breaths, Jon…"

And then I woke up.


I shall continue voting for Danny Noriega until he spontaneously combusts on stage.

Randy looks like he just ate poop without using his hands or a napkin.

I sent a package today to the Billings Scuba Center.

A scuba center. In Montana.

Top Ten Crazy Asian Pizza Crusts (for McKern)
'The Moment of Truth' Finally Delivers on Its Promise to Ruin Marriages
Here it comes…
Crazy-Ass Chinese Ports (Titanic, LotR)

Clothes Encounters

The Shirt:

on Kyle XY

on jPod

on Cory in the House

"What are you wearing?"
"This? This is…uh…Urban Outfitters."

Speaking of Disney Channel programming, I just learned that the actor who plays Hannah Montana's brother is 30 YEARS OLD! He sure fooled me…

The actor who plays his boss on the show is 13.

I thought The Shirt was one of Dobi's designs, but no.


one of Dobi's shirts on jPod

My buddy Jose keeps urging me to buy a blazer.

"Jon, you need a blazer!"
"How long have we known each other? What makes you think I can rock a blazer?"

I'm a hoodie guy.

I previously noted that I owned only one pair of pants and one pair of shoes.

Now I own two pairs of pants, but I still wear the same pair of pants daily for a period of time before switching.

Because of winter, I've also been wearing hoodies. Like with pants, I'll wear the same hoodie daily for a period of time before switching.

I remember discussing hoodies with Mike Kelly some years back. I asked him why he wore hoodies with zippers and he replied that you can't take zipperless hoodies off without messing up your hair.

Another plus about hoodies that zip up in the front?

You can unzip them to show people in your office park that yes, you own other clothes and that yes, you change clothes daily — just not outerwear.

I Am Tired of Spreading Cream Cheese on a Bagel for Myself
Andrew Lloyd Webber says he will appear on "American Idol" as a guest "mentor" in April (Andrew. Lloyd. Webber. night.)

Adam Ramblings 14

Have seen Zero of the Foreign Film Oscar nominees. I'm vaguely disgusted with myself. [source]

And yes, the winner was "The one about the Holocaust." The Academy is banal. [source]

» I don't understand the typographical methodology behind PricewaterhouseCoopers' logo. Why is "waterhouse" staggered?

» Wishful thinking: Radiohead asks Jack Johnson to open for its North American summer tour.

» I kinda hope Friday Night Lights isn't saved, because its writers would have to reap what they sowed in season two. Also, I've yet to witness a television series originally set during K-12 successfully transition to life after school.

» Air Bud + Homeward Bound = Air Buddies.
Air Buddies + Snow Dogs = Snow Buddies!

"Featuring the all-star voice talents of Dylan Sprouse (The Suite Life Of Zack And Cody) and Jim Belushi (According To Jim)."

» Idea: an Internet database of film and television blooper reels. YouTube is unreliable.

» I cannot take this chef seriously.

» Fast food restaurants that require a signature if you pay by credit card annoy me, especially receiving two receipts for the same purchase.

» An ad insert in the Sunday paper promoted frozen foods as a way to bring families together. "Spend more time at home with the family!" Pictured in the ad: Hot Pockets and Totino's Pizza Rolls.

» At dinner with my sixth uncle and aunt on my mother's side, my uncle kept feeding me slices of abalone.

» While eating a late lunch at Chevy's, I caught a bit of an educational children's show about (according to the closed captioning) "a girl named Cake."

» I sent a package last week to a client named "Grzegorz," which I've decided will be my son's (stop laughing) middle name. Declan Grzegorz Yu.

» Erykah Badu titled her new album New AmErykah, Pt. 1: 4th World War. How weird must her son with André 3000 be?

» Idea: Soulja Boy See 'n Say. "The cow goes 'MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!'" "The ghost goes 'BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!'" "Somethin' goes POOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

» I think I'm gonna spend my $600 economic stimulus check on a hotel room in Toronto.

inside-out teddy bears

Herbie Hancock

Why does the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences even bother awarding an Oscar for "best original song" anymore?

This year's nominees appear to fill a quota more than anything. Three of the five songs are from Enchanted. Another was technically ineligible but cleared at the last second.

Two years ago, the Academy only nominated three songs and even then, none were really worth recognizing.

In fact, since 2000, the Academy has only nominated one truly memorable original song — "Lose Yourself" by Eminem.

Not content with simply nominating negligible songs, the Academy also insists on highlighting just how negligible said songs are during the Oscar telecast.

Last year, instead of re-creating 2006's most memorable movie music moment — Jennifer Hudson's fierce rendition of "And I Am Telling You for the Last Time" in Dreamgirls — Hudson, Beyoncé and that other girl performed a medley of songs which weren't even in the original musical, songs that I doubt anyone can recall today.

I had to check to make sure I was watching "Hollywood's biggest night" and not, you know, an American Idol results show.

If ever the Academy had a reason to show a montage during the Oscar telecast, the "best original song" nominees are it.

When I think of 2007 in cinematic song, I think of:

the instrumental cello and piano cover of The Violent Femmes' "Blister in the Sun" in Rocket Science (above), Mastodon's intro to Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters, Ol' Dirty Bastard's "Shimmy Shimmy Ya" at the beginning of Knocked Up, Linkin Park's "What I've Done" at the end of Transformers, Final Fantasy's "The CN Tower Belongs to the Dead" and Raised by Swans' "Violet Light" in Everything's Gone Green, the performance of Joy Division's "Transmission" in Control, the surreal interpretation of Dylan's "Ballad of a Thin Man" (as covered by Stephen Malkmus and the Jicks) in I'm Not There, the slow-motion funeral set to The Kinks' "Strangers" in The Darjeeling Limited, Justin Timberlake lip-syncing The Killers' "All the Things That I've Done" in Southland Tales, Ellen Page and Michael Cera covering The Moldy Peaches' "Anyone Else But You" in Juno, and Sacha Baron Cohen's rendition of "The Contest" in Sweeney Todd (below).

What don't I think of?

Enchanted, Once and August Rush.

Fail to the Chief

George W. Bush is now the most unpopular president in recorded American history.

Among all Americans, 19% approve of the way Bush is handling his job as president.

Nixon, as he was hounded out of office in August 1974, never dipped below the mid-20s. [source]


He's still more popular than Isiah Thomas, but not by much.

I Go Hard, I Go Home

The menu at the Sundance Kabuki movie theater in San Francisco includes roasted game hen, crabcakes, and braised oxtail, along with craft beers, cocktails, and local wines by the glass. [source]

Only a San Franciscan could eat a roasted game hen with a glass of wine while watching The Diving Bell and the Butterfly and not feel like a total douche.

A children's version of "Kung Fu Hustle" for Warner Brothers became stuck in development. [source]

The original wasn't cartoony enough?

a Malaysian version of The Office starring Dat Phan in the boss role

Creatively Bankrupt

"now where am I going to buy my iPhone cozies?"

"where will i get my magic fingers chair and over priced headphones and electric golf ball washer with built in radar missile defense system?"

"How the hell am I supposed to breath ionically charged air, clip my nose hairs at turbo speed or catch fake video fish now?!?!"

"where am i going to go to buy things with a digital clock in it?"

"Where am I going to purchase my talking Astrolabe?"


"Where will I find a HD-DVD player now?!!!?!?"

"Now where will I get my Trump steaks?"

"Where am I going to buy my Trump Steaks now?"

"Where can I turn now to buy ridiculously overpriced beef, model cars, and furniture in one stop?"

"Now where will I find a store that offers toy helicopters, nose hair trimmers, massage chairs and air filters, all in the same place?"

"Where will we go to find overpriced, low quality (but seemingly high tech) products that we don't really need?"

"Where will I find a laser-guided can opener now????"

"Now where will I get my battery powered socks?"

"Wherever will I buy animatronic robots that look like Elvis, extremely expensive massage chairs, or my very own R2-D2?"

She's cooking salad for breakfast


Really, to just do a T-Pain/Limp Bizkit song, that would be awesome for me.

[checks calendar]

related: "It'll be one of the books of the year."

Time for another installment of "You can't do that on (American) television!"

a musical about 9/11?

a crazy stalker girl fingers herself on the bed of her stalkee?


I spent the past few days absorbing every available episode of Kyle XY.

I pitied Jessi during the first half of season two, but now I wish that she had died after jumping off the cliff. You don't deserve Kyle's benevolence, bitch! I hope he literally kills you with kindness!

Josh's shirts are like 30 Rock Frank's hats.

Idea: A new typography term
Heh. Sniglet.

The 2008 Golden Clog Nominees
concocted by Anthony Bourdain

Flow My Tears, The Policeman Said

Previously on Adam Riff™: I've long been fascinated by television nomenclature.

Posts like #2031 are why I've considered lifting our ban on comments, but my buddy list prefers that this web site remain commentless, so…blame them.

Anyhow, some reader-submitted additions to my list:

"Amazing Race names each episode after a quote from that episode."
excluding season one

"grey's anatomy also uses song titles, though i think they're running out of coldplay."

"That 70s Show: Season 5 – led zeppelin songs. Season 6 – the who songs. Season 7 – rolling stones songs. Season 8 – queen songs."

"Monk titles every episode with 'Mr. Monk and* _____.'"
* and/Goes/Gets…

"Scrubs always names their episodes with 'My _____________.'"

"Chuck episodes are always 'Chuck vs. the _____________.'"

and a few more from me:

The names of Slings and Arrows episodes mostly reference the Shakespeare production of the season (1. Hamlet, 2. Macbeth, 3. King Lear).

The names of Eek! the Cat episodes are predominantly plays on film titles, and the names of Hannah Montana episodes predominantly play on song titles.

Shattered Ass

Food Network tool Robert Irvine (Dinner: Impossible) fabricated stories about being a knight and owning a castle.

and earning a B.S. in food and nutrition.

and working on the wedding cake for Prince Charles and Princess Diana.

and being a White House chef.

and biting homeless people.

Irvine's restaurant designer, Paul Guillaume says Irvine asked him to create a shadow box to display his royal uniform, which looked like a Three Musketeers costume.

Lulz. King in the castle, king in the castle!

Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?

I've long been fascinated by television nomenclature.

Boston Public named each episode "Chapter [insert successive number]," beginning with "Chapter One" and ending with "Chapter Eighty-One."

Murder One also named each episode "Chapter [insert successive number]," but for its second season, reset to one and added a "Year Two" suffix. Its series finale was "Chapter Eighteen, Year Two."

Similarly, 24 names each episode by day and hour. For example: "Day 6: 6:00 AM – 7:00 AM."

Seinfeld named each episode "The _____."

Friends named each episode "The One Where/With* _____," deviating only for its series finale ("The Last One"). *more often than not

Nip/Tuck names each episode after the featured patient. Extras…the featured celebrity. Skins…the featured character(s).

The Tick (1994) named each episode in its first season "The Tick vs. _____."

In its first season, Brotherhood named each episode after a Bible verse. In its second season…a Bob Dylan song.

ALF named each episode after a song.

Since its second season, Degrassi: The Next Generation has named each episode after an 80s song.

NewsRadio named the back nine of its second season after Led Zeppelin albums, and episode 13 of its third season "Led Zeppelin Box Set."

That's all I can think of.

Adam Ramblings 13

» Apparently, the money match for WrestleMania XXIV will be The Big Show vs. Floyd Mayweather Jr.

Mayweather punched Show two or three times bare knuckle on the button and then ran off with his posse. Show was bleeding all over the place. [source]

» Idea: North Carolina vs. California college basketball challenge. I think UNC, Duke, Wake Forest and NC State pair up nicely against UCLA, Stanford, USC and Cal.

» Trent Johnson's face looks profoundly unhealthy. It's not as fug as John Chaney's, but he could definitely pass for a crack addict.

» I'm stunned that O.J. Simpson has a girlfriend. She must not be too bright.

» The first single off Death Cab for Cutie's sixth album Narrow Stairs is slated to be "I Will Possess Your Heart."

They're not even trying anymore.

» Why do bands tack an extra song onto copies of albums sold in Japan? Why are the Japanese so special?

» Oprah's gonna give a million dollars to someone for giving away hundreds of thousands of dollars.

"Contestants must out-give one another."

Philanthropy as competition is…perverse, to say the least.

Complete List of Sweded Movies
Jumper (NSFW)
Street Boners and TV Carnage



I'd never seen her before. I considered passing, but I was the only person in line. I reluctantly approached the counter.

"Can I get a Chipotle Roast Beef sandwich?"

She consulted a laminated chart.

"Chipotle Roast Beef…"

Not again, I thought. Why do I always draw the noobs?

She spent two minutes just searching for the bread.

Finally: "I'm sorry, we're out of onion herb bread."
"Okay, wheat then."

"How are you doing today?" she asked.

…until I met you, grandma.

The greens on the sandwich looked suspiciously like plain lettuce.

"Doesn't spring mix include spinach?" I asked.
"I'm sorry, we're out of spring mix. Is that a problem?"



No bread, no greens — this is unacceptable! I ordered a Chipotle Roast Beef sandwich expecting fuckin' onion herb bread and spring mix! If you can't give me what's listed on the menu, then fuckin' take it off the goddamn menu!

I would've walked out if the manager hadn't already charged me.

$10.81. [sigh]

I see no sign of fortress

Sometimes I can't believe that I was terrified during my first driving lesson, because in my car, I feel invincible. When faced with a tight merge or lane change, I never hesitate to cut in, and I'll right turn into cross traffic before I should.

In my car, I also fantasize about crashing. While driving, I'll think, "What if I don't press the brake pedal?" or "What if I swerve off this overpass?"

In my car, I am the chewing gum in Mission: Impossible (1996).

2 horses died after colliding
The Air-Travel Menagerie