Mouthwash Jukebox Gasoline

List but not least…

10. Sanctuary
9. Sartoris
8. The Unvanquished
5-7. The 'Snopes' Trilogy
4. Light in August
3. Absalom, Absalom!
2. As I Lay Dying
1. The Sound and the Fury

others receiving votes:
The Wild Palms [If I Forget Thee, Jerusalem]
Intruder in the Dust
Sanctuary climbed back in after tumbling last year.

The Top 10 Staged Fights of 2007
Asian of the Year Nominees
The 5 Most Memorable Sex Scenes of 2007
The 20 Best Albums of 2007 (in Bizarro World)

Santa tantrum photos for 2007
A look at what 2007 movies stood for
The Web's Top 10 Top 10 Lists

Paul is dead

20. For You. Old School
19. Console Water Muted Qur'an
18. Plasma Sightstochasticity Sight of Gold
17. Kan'tne East Welcome Week
16. A.W.O.L. Alak
15. Televisionfeet Outside Mirages
14. Dave-A Upstanding Japanese Citizen
13. The Black Stars Pleasant Thud
12. Larj Garth The Flood 1/3
11. Injustice
10. The Local Mixed Martial Artist
9. About Saskatoon Cheering Flora, Am I the Creator?
8. John Bjorn and Peter Joyce Carol Oates
7. Ostentatious Cat They Were Alive After the Dinghy Resurfaced
6. Solo Pony Begin to Cease
5. Edward Leonard and the Pushers Dying with the Dead
4. Fork Goo Goo Goo Goo Goo
3. La-Q You Won't Sleep When I'm Alive
2. Old Old Horse Stadium Lousy Office
1. Wars Contrasted

2011 better have a girlfriend in it

This poster looks like a project for an "Introduction to Photoshop" class. To be fair, I wouldn't know how to market a film about debaters either.

The deceptive Greek/Roman appearance of the main typeface bothers me immensely.


FRIDAY, JANUARY 4: "20/20" reports on three extraordinary people living with and conquering challenges:

Drum roll!

a supermodel born without an ear;


"Against all odds, she succeeded in the industry with only one ear!"

a skateboarder born without legs;

Isn't that just like a guy in a wheelchair…sawed in half?

and an African American television anchor whose skin is turning white. [source]

Nothing a little blackface can't solve.

Immaculate Misconception (I wish I'd thought of this)
Practical intelligence
The 50 Most Loathsome People in America, 2007

Dulce de Lech

The following list is not safe for work. Viewer discretion is advised.

5. First Time
Friday Night Lights – "I Think We Should Have Sex"

4. Icy/Hot
Nip/Tuck – "Dawn Budge II"

3. Scissors
South Park – "D-Yikes!"

2. Dummy Torture
Kenny vs. Spenny – "Who Can Handle More Torture?"

1. Surprise

Context: The parents of a confused teenage hermaphrodite invite a surgeon to visit their isolated home. He brings his teenage son along.

The Top 10 Staged Fights of 2007
Asian of the Year Nominees

Plastic Coffee Cups

What did you receive for Christmas, Jon?

A fortune cookie fortune that read: "You will never need to worry about a steady income." Heh.

Anything else?

Yes, a urinary tract infection.

I felt an urge to pee, unzipped and red urine dribbled out, like my dick was a food coloring dropper.

According to this article, in addition to yellow, humans can produce urine in pink, red, orange, green, blue, brown and black hues.

Jackass 3 idea: Rainbow Snowcone.

"Santa with no head is just horrid"
First Sunday Trailer (Epic Music Remix)

Deleted Scene: The Twelve Days of Christmas

Sometimes I scrap content conceived for Adam Riff™. In this case, I can't draw very well and the artist I asked disappeared.

Whoever wrote "The Twelve Days of Christmas" received an inordinate number of ridiculous gifts from his or her true love. I mean, 23 birds and a drumline?

Idea one: Mock eBay or Craigslist listings.

Eh, I thought.

Idea two: One-panel comic. A living room packed with all the gifts mentioned in the song. Wife glares at husband. Caption: "Fuck you" or "I want a divorce."

Idea three: Turn the comic into a Christmas card. Instead of a caption, superimpose "Merry Christmas."


An 18-month-old girl, hospitalized last week after an object was jammed down her throat by 16-year-old boy, died of her injuries Wednesday.

Police said the object had been inserted into her mouth deliberately, but investigators have not yet figured out why.

"This was not as a result of play." He would not say what the object was. [source]


reading my local paper's weekly entertainment guide

» Half-page ad. Twelfth Night. Image of Shakespeare with beatnik sunglasses and a goatee. Odd… Oh. "Shakespeare's celebration of love in all its magical permutations gets a song-filled reimagining in the City by the Bay, circa 1967." Gag.

» Comedy listing. "Chopshticks, a stand-up showcase featuring Jewish comedians and Chinese food." Yid and yang, heh. "What's the deal with MSG?"

» Ooh. Sports listing. "Saturday, Logitech Ice hosts a free curling open house." I've wanted to try out curling shoes since the last Winter Olympics.

» Television listing. Elmo's Christmas Countdown. "Guest actors include Steve Schirripa and Tony Sirico (of 'The Sopranos') as a real-life Bert and Ernie." I can't tell if the writer is serious.

» Small ad. "Rosicrucian Order." [enters URL] Cuckoo!

» Side ad. The Celebrity Showroom at John Ascuaga's Nugget hotel in Reno. "Disco Dance Party, December 31. The Comstock Cowboys, January 5. Boyz II Men, January 19-20." Oof. Shouldn't have waited until the water ran dry to release Evolution.

» Full-page ad. The Christmas Music of Mannheim Steamroller, "The #1 Christmas Recording Artist in History." As seen on Tool Time.

» Quarter-page ad. Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story. "Special midnight shows tonight!" Please, Sony, Apatow's not THAT popular.

» Half-page ad. "The Prom Expo (Ultimate Teen Experience!) Starring National Recording Artist Omarion."

1. Why does a high school dance need its own expo?

2. Where does "prom expo" rank among gigs for musical artists? I say below a county fair but above a hotel in Reno.

3. Is Omarion the one who stabbed himself in the eye? Young, black, male R&B singers are nigh indistinguishable to me.

» Oh man… Dear Abby:

I have found the man I will be with for the rest of my life. We are very happy and very much in love.

Every since I was about 9, my mother and I have had our palms read, our tarot cards done, charted our birth signs, etc.

When I was 17, our palm reader proceeded to tell me about my life and explained that my first husband will die. Abby, I can't stop thinking about this, and when I do I can't hold back the tears.

I need some relief from my fear because I'm afraid that when we're married I'll always be waiting for the day my husband doesn't come home.

Miserable in Milwaukee

» Comics. Dennis the Menace. Dennis sees his parents embraced and kissing beside a Christmas tree. Caption: "You guys are makin' up already? That wasn't much of a fight." Domestic disputes — HI-larious.

» Secret Asian Man suuuuucks.

Muslims don't wear nice clothes! Burn!

Garfield Minus Garfield

The Amazing Race

Time once again for…

As always, only pure breeds are eligible.

And the 2007 nominees are:

Yau-Man Chan
fourth place, Survivor: Fiji

On Survivor's official web site, Yau-Man received 65.5% of the votes in a poll on "favourite Fiji survivor." Earl, the runner-up, received only 10%.

Hung Huynh
winner, Top Chef 3: Miami

Anthony Bourdain:
"In the end the best chef won. Sirio Maccione, Andre Soltner, Michelle Bernstein, Todd English, Rocco DiSpirito, and Tom Colicchio ALL clearly recognized a superior craftsman in Hung — and rewarded him with well deserved wins. THAT is the bottom line. You want to argue with that kind of consensus? Go right ahead."

Daisuke Matsuzaka
world champion pitcher, Boston Red Sox

Matsuzaka is the third pitcher in Red Sox franchise history to record two RBIs in a World Series game. The other two pitchers? Babe Ruth and Cy Young.

Kal Penn
actor, 24 / The Namesake / House (became series regular)

On his stint as a terrorist on 24:
"I have a huge political problem with the role. It was essentially accepting a form of racial profiling. I think it's repulsive. But it was the first time I had a chance to blow stuff up and take a family hostage. As an actor, why shouldn't I have that opportunity? Because I'm brown and I should be scared about the connection between media images and people's thought processes?"

Cho Seung-Hui
author, Richard McBeef / Mr. Brownstone

I was hesitant to include him, but you can't deny his cultural impact. Also, Time once named Hitler "man of the year" blah blah blah.

Phone lines are open.

Drilling Holes

I think they're ready for Saturday.

My parents want me to chip in on a karaoke machine.

"We can share the machine."

What am I gonna do with a karaoke machine full of Asian songs?

If I chip in $330 for a karaoke machine, I want my karaoke standards — "Unchained Melody" and "Forgot About Dre."

Few songs are as fun to sing as "Unchained Melody."

My brother is temporarily eating vegan to detox from dorm food, which makes me wonder what he's eating at school.

A tantalizing peek at history's greatest book
Two inmates escaped from a county jail, hiding the holes they made in the walls by putting up photos of bikini-clad women.
Ask Zack de la Rocha

A History of Violence

The following list revels in misogyny. Feminist discretion is advised.

The trends this year were bathroom settings and asphyxiation.

10. Tony Soprano vs. Bobby Baccalieri
The Sopranos – "Soprano Home Movies"

Chivalry, thy name is Bacala.

HIGHLIGHT: Carmela fails to break up the fight.

9. John McClane vs. Mai
Live Free or Die Hard

Fuck chivalry.

HIGHLIGHT: McClane flings Mai like a ragdoll into metal shelves.

8. Iorek Byrnison vs. Iofur Raknison
The Golden Compass

Visual effects money well spent.

HIGHLIGHT: "Yes, that is all."

7. David Hoffman vs. Dimitri Nikolov

Unfortunately, I could only find a cam-rip that vacillates in and out of focus.

HIGHLIGHT: Nikolov burns Hoffman with his cigarette.

6. Truman Fisher vs. Claude Rains
The Prodigy

How to shoot a Hollywood fight on an indie budget.

HIGHLIGHT: Rains shows off his knife.

5. Jack Bauer vs. Abu Fayed
24 – Day 6, 10:00 p.m. – 11:00 p.m.

The producers of 24 are very trigger happy, so any time Jack fights someone is a treat.

HIGHLIGHT: "Say 'hello' to your brother."

4. Super Russ. Brothers Brawl
Derzkie Dni (Impudent Days)

I don't understand Russian, but the two combatants begin the movie as friends, fall out and then reconcile immediately after the fade-out, so I assume they discuss respect.

HIGHLIGHT: The timing of the downpour.

3. Detective Sergeant Ma vs. Tony
Dao Huo Xian (Flash Point)

MMA for effort.

HIGHLIGHT: The fall. No stuntmen. No wires.

2. Jason Bourne vs. Desh Bouksani (feat. Nicky Parsons)
The Bourne Ultimatum

Bourne is like the Carrot Top of secret agents.

HIGHLIGHT: Desh knocks Nicky out — from three different angles!

1. Nikolai vs. Chechen Henchmen (NSFW)
Eastern Promises

Adam Nayman wrote that this fight "should rank among the most exhilaratingly visceral patches of cinema, period, full stop." I totally agree.

HIGHLIGHT: The ending.

Adam Ramblings 7

» I Am Legend in five words: Wow. Will Smith is buff.

» Dexter is like Nip/Tuck with annoying introspection.

Both shows are/were set in Miami.

Both shows follow men who cut recumbent people up.

Each season, both shows introduce antagonists who either die or disappear in the season finale. Rudy, Lila, Lundy = Ava, Quentin, Michelle.

» The main problem with Dexter is that you know he's never in real trouble, like Jack Bauer, which tempers suspense.

» I don't understand people who hate reality television. Doesn't interest you? Okay. But HATE? Don't delude yourself into thinking that television would be infinitely better without reality programming. WITH reality programming, networks still picked up Back to You and Bionic Woman and Cavemen and Viva Laughlin.

Besides, how can you hate shit like this? It's funnier than Scrubs.

» I've never seen a season of Survivor that rewarded the survivors with more food than Survivor: China. Almost every reward challenge involved a feast, and the survivors still complained about hunger!

» I bet Paula Deen is wild in bed.

The McLobster is Real

» I wonder if Japanese restaurants in Baltimore serve a "Samari Roll."

» I pray the cause of my death isn't extreme weather.

» Old people (50+) who post on Rivals and Scout boards perturb me.

• January 21, 2006: Second Half Surge Not Enough for UCLA Against No. 12 West Virginia

• February 10, 2007: No. 2 Bruins Drop Road Contest at West Virginia, 70-65

» John Beilein left West Virginia to coach Michigan in April. UCLA plays Michigan on Saturday. I've had December 22nd circled on my calendar for months. This is the year…I hope. Yes, Michigan lost to Harvard earlier this month, but my beloved Bruins could easily start sluggishly, dig a double-digit hole and then rally furiously only to fall just short.

The 20 Ugliest Colleges in the USA


Apparently, you need a math degree to teach math, even basic math. No problem. I'll just return to school and will myself to pass Advanced Calc and Differential Equations and whatnot.

Reach for the stars!

Would it be odd if I had degrees in both math and English?

UCLA has reportedly attempted to gauge the interest of the football coach trying to beat the Bruins in the Vegas Bowl.

That's one way to play mind games.

banner ad, article

Kid Rock will perform at Tila Tequila's New Year's Eve 2008 on MTV. The masquerade party will also feature Perez Hilton hosting his own purple carpet. [source]

It's like the Southland Tales of New Year's Eve television specials.

^ my new favourite analogy

Will Arnett will be the voice of KITT

Square One

I'm considering becoming a math teacher.

Yes, I majored in English, but all I ever read is that schools need math and science teachers.

Science was my worst subject in school, so teaching science is out. In college, I satisfied my science GEs with classes on smog and cancer.

Math, on the other hand, was my best subject in school until I hit Calc BC. I scored higher in math than in verbal on my SAT. I scored a 780 out of 800 my Math IIC SAT II. I scored higher on my Calc AB AP exam than on either of my English AP exams. I think I can at least teach pre-algebra.


Why the fuck did I major in English?

The more I think about it, the more I realize that teaching math is a better gig than teaching English. You don't have to grade papers or discuss books and (gag) poetry. In math, answers are either right or wrong. I'd just have to be able to solve any problem thrown at me, and I'd have a teacher's copy of the textbook to assist me.


Reach for the stars, Jon. Reach for the stars…

If CBS doesn't renew Kid Nation for a second season, it'll join The Mole and Contest Searchlight in the pantheon of underappreciated reality series.

Honolulu mayor asks Wal-Mart to stop selling Superbad DVD packages that contain phony Hawaii driver's licenses
A feature-length documentary based on "A People's History of the United States"

The Pursuit of Crappyness

Will Smith will direct a re-make of The Karate Kid starring his son Jaden.

Stephen Chow (Kung Fu Hustle) is in talks to play Mr. Miyagi. [source]


Macchio was 23 when he first played Daniel. Jaden is 9.

Stephen Chow is 45.

A 45-year-old man befriends a 9-year-old boy. Hmm…

"Critics just don't understand!"

Master P's New Video: Ballin With The Klan
Paula Deen Is Trying to Kill Us, Part 3
Sweded Trailers