No country for old men

St. Louis Post Dispatch columnist Dan O'Neill:

Rams running back Steven Jackson asked reporters to petition the stadium-operation types to play more lively music.

Of course, that's what is missing — hip-hop!

How can these Souljas Boys be expected to perform when the commercial interludes aren't jumping, yo?

Jackson suggested the situation be addressed with a write-up, so here it is, Dawg. We're calling on the stadium DJ to pump it up, and we thought these 10 titles might be most appropriate:

Wasted Time — Fuel
Why You Hate The Game — The Game featuring Marsha Ambrosia
I Don't Care — Ricky Martin featuring Fat Joe and Amerie
Keep The Car Running — Arcade [sic]
Sorry, Blame It On Me — Akron [sic]
Weak Inna Knees (aka "Give It Up For The O-Line") — Sean Paul
The Art of Losing — American Hi-Fi
Not Going Nowhere — Baby Face
Heartbreaker — Wil.I.Am
I Apologize — K-Ci

"I'm hip. I'm with it. Tucka tucka tucka tucka…"

Adam Robot:

—brock told me theres a guy at his work that makes six figures
—and he didn't know what being on the internet meant
—he called brock up, had his laptop at some hotel and said he 'couldn't get on the internet'
—the guy tried sticking the phone cord into the cat5 jack on the laptop
—brock finally talked him through shit, told him to load up IE and he goes "all that comes up is google"

I'm a cyborg, but that's okay

Hot pot of coffee! Roger Ebert has become Stephen Hawking!

His voice has been silenced and part of his jaw removed from the after effects of thyroid and salivary cancer. To express his words, Roger uses a computer, which reads and speaks what he types out. [source]

At this rate, Richard Roeper will suffer the fate of Vincent D'Onofrio's character in "The Subway."

Adam Ramblings 4

» "Maya has watched waaaaaaaay too many telenovelas."

» My nominees for the most irritating female television character of 2007:

Maya (Heroes)
Eden (Nip/Tuck)
Lila (Dexter)
Sandra Palmer (24)

» At Subway, the guy behind me in line asked for "extra lettuce." What?

» The Subway Feast is totally Subway's Crunchwrap Supreme.

» The Ultimate Fan Edition of Shawn Michaels' Heartbreak and Triumph DVD career retrospective includes a t-shirt, a pendant and a…..cup.


» Dustin Hoffman is 70!

» when i visited in the summer he kept saying he was going to get me 'philly fucked' by some philly girl… sure enough he did somehow from some hot girl that works at his store

Urban Dictionary only yielded this.

Synthetic Paintings
Magnum P.I. mobile game

Adam Ramblings 3

» Oregon at UCLA was probably the worst football game I've ever seen, and I've seen a lot of UCLA games.

» College football overtime rules should apply to regulation time as well. After two field goals, you must attempt a touchdown.

» I wish Pac-10 teams had live mascots like SEC teams, but alas, you can't cage a live Sun Devil or a color. Or Donald Duck.

Eric Cartman introduces Colorado's starting line-ups

» I compiled a list of alumni I'd like to see introduce UCLA's starting line-ups for Saturday's rivalry game:

Nancy Cartwright (as Ralph Wiggum)
Robert Englund (as Freddy Krueger)
Will Forte (as Tim Calhoun)
Kal Penn
Harry Shearer (as Kent Brockman)
George Takei
Jaleel White (as Steve Urkel for the offense, as Stefan Urquelle for the defense)

Wishful thinking, I know. It'll probably be someone lame, like the juggler.

» Mandel:

Just as easily as the 6-5 Bruins could go to the Rose Bowl, they could also go to no bowl at all if they lose. If Arizona does beat ASU, it would give the Pac-10 seven bowl-eligible teams for six spots and almost assuredly restrict them to one BCS berth. Guess which would be the odd team out in that scenario? Yep — the same team that's playing for a Rose Bowl berth.

» I know the Pac-10 has shitty bowl tie-ins, but…The Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl?

» When Fox bought the rights to the BCS National Championship Game, I bet they expected sexier match-ups than Missouri vs. West Virginia. I mean, ABC scored Miami vs. Ohio State and USC vs. Texas.

» I'd rather listen to a marching band play "Iron Man" ad infinitum than Petros Papadakis' voice. He sounds like Jacob Silj.

» No cure for canker sores. Figures. My main affliction…

» If I took a "Which Television Character Are You?" quiz, I'm absolutely positive the answer would be Deco from Brotherhood. If you can't see the similarities, he's the picture and I'm Dorian Gray.

» America's due for another serial killer. We haven't had one in a while.

Questions for the GOP candidates
"Would you have sex with a man to stop a terrorist attack?"


The only positive thing I can think of about Hitler's time on earth—I'm sure he would have eliminated all bloggers. In Colonial times, bloggers were called "Pamphleteers." They hung on street corners handing them out to passersby. Now, they hang out on electronic street corners, hoping somebody mouses on to their pretentious sites. Different medium, same MO. Shakespeare accidentally summed up the genre best with these words from a MacBeth soliloquy: "…a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing…" [source]


Gotta love Philadelphia!


Judy Wahlstedt and Cindy Roberts bought Bluetooth-enabled phones at a Longs Drugs store at 6:15 a.m. [source]

When I need a Bluetooth phone, I head to the nearest drugstore.

"Girls Gone Wild" creator Joe Francis has accused Oklahoma prison guards of threatening to strap him naked to a chair for 48 hours. [source]

"I'm a man! I'm 40!"

Kurt: I really want to see Hogan going on blind dates

What'cha gonna do when Hulka-money runs out on you?

Deal Ordeal

Next year, Rory and I plan to throw water balloons at all the losers queued up at 3:00 A.M. to fuckin' shop — drive-by soakings.

Hope hypothermia is worth a DVD of Big Daddy for $2.49!

How on Earth did the "biggest Christmas tree in the world" end up in a theme park in Nowhere, California?



Overheard in Logan

Feast Infection

Q: What would happen if you dropped the Thanksgiving platter?
A: The downfall of Turkey, the break-up of China and the overthrow of Greece.

Turkey with gravy and cranberry
Can't believe the Mets traded Darryl Strawberry


As wretched as Christmas music is, at least more than one song about
Christmas exists.

Nobody Is Not Lovin' It
How in the heck did you lose the weight?
pizza flow chart

Used Erections

I picked my parents up at the airport. They flew in from China, which means they returned with twice as much luggage as they departed with. Why ship cheap goods back when you can just buy more luggage for cheap, right?

My parents could open a luggage store solely with what they've amassed visiting China.

In the car, my mother chatted with her girl friend, whom I was also chauffeuring.

"Drat. We forgot to buy Wiis."
"Ah yes. Cheap Wiis. We didn't have any opportunities to though."
"I should've asked my nephew to buy Wiis for us before we arrived."
"Next time… You know you can mod a Wii to play region-locked games?"
"Yeah, Jeannie had hers modded for cheap in Shanghai, but she never uses it."

Our family is spending Thanksgiving with the Kangs. I like the Kangs, but their house is sooooo boring. A chess set, no television — it might as well be a model home.

In order to watch a DVD, you have to re-arrange the living room so a projection screen can lower from the ceiling.

Halo 3 cheat codes, as explained by neglected girlfriend Janet Iverson
Conservapedia Obsessions
Gil TV

Company Man

A "consultant" needed a replacement device urgently. I offered to send him one for free and in time for his trip if he promised to return his current device for repair and re-sale.

A line in our form RMA e-mail reads:

Consider insuring your shipment as we may charge you for loss or damage.

He replied:

If you charge me any more for this unit I will challenge the charges through my credit card company and also contact the Arkansas State Attorney General for consumer affairs.

He sounded like an unpleasant guy on the phone, but…oof. I desperately wanted to provoke him further.

I considered:
—replying "I'm shaking, I'm shaking!"
—replying "Tell Dustin I said 'Hi.'"
—annotating his return label with "Threat Level: Red."
—replying "Looks like we got us a sow here instead of a boar! I bet you can squeal like a pig!"

In the end, however, I opted for job security.

My boss messaged me from Singapore on Monday.

I arrive back on Friday. Do you want to work on Friday?
Okay. Take Friday off.

I need you to install 600 hard drives and then package and ship the order.
Okay. By when?
Next Tuesday. The hard drives arrive on Wednesday.

"I hate my job," I thought.

Also, I need you to accompany me to CES. January 5-11.

An all-expense-paid week in Vegas for the Consumer Electronics Show — I love my job.

Mas Fresh!

Someone needs to create an animated GIF of Noah Bennet kicking Mohinder Suresh into the side of a car.

According to NBC, The Family Man is "a holiday favourite."

Lil' Romeo ranks among the top 15 prep point guards in the country?
"Getting a college scholarship is more important than winning an American Music Award."

"The AMAs are the least relevant music awards show on the face of the planet."

#2 UCLA plays #10 Michigan State tonight without Darren Collison.
[crosses fingers]

Hollywood's all-time worst pitches
International versions of High School Musical songs