A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius

Jason Statham will reprise the role of hitman Chev Chelios in "Crank 2: High Voltage."

In "Crank 2," Chelios faces a Chinese mobster who has stolen his nearly indestructible heart and replaced it with a battery-powered ticker that requires regular jolts of electricity to keep working. [source]

A Chinaman has stolen his physical heart and replaced it with a faulty, battery-powered one.


The writers of Pirates of the Caribbean 3 wish they'd thought of that.

Air Necessities

My mother and I:

"Jon, do you know where I can buy a plug adapter?"
"Why do you need a plug adapter?"
"For my blow dryer."
"Don't hotels have blow dryers?"
"Yes, but I don't know how to use them."
"I need a blow dryer with a brush attached."

She also owns nail clippers with a magnifying glass attached.

My brother blow-dries his hair compulsively, even when it's not wet.

His hair is only about an inch long.

He's the only guy I know who blow-dries his hair.

What, exactly, is the point of leaf blowers? Blowing leaves from one place to another doesn't solve anything.

I take a look at my life and realize there's nothing left

Oxygen ("television for women") has greenlighted an unscripted series that will follow rapper Coolio as he tries to balance his rap career and launching his own clothing line with his role as a single parent raising six teenagers.

"This show has a lot of inherent female appeal."

"Coolio's unconventional methods of discipline are guaranteed to entertain." [source]

He's so washed-up, VH1 passed.

Of course, he could be LV.

Things I learned watching American Gangster

» I cannot take Cuba Gooding Jr. seriously anymore.

» Naked people can't steal heroin.

» Ridley Scott can kill Idris Elba just as spectacularly as David Simon.

» Never wear a chinchilla coat in public.

» Josh Brolin + long hair + mustache = magic. This year alone:

Planet Terror, American Gangster, No Country for Old Men — three films, three swell performances.

Original songs by Shakira

A: Mmm…no.

Evil will always triumph because good is dumb.

Wanda Sykes voices an inanimate apple in Applebee's latest ads.

Taco Bell's two most recent ads used "Whip It" by Devo and "I Melt with You" by Modern English, respectively. Someone in marketing must have brought in an 80s music compilation.

From an e-mail in my work inbox:

I will stress that I am an award winning professional photographer, so I expect you to take this inquiry seriously.

Some photographers are more equal than others.

During lunch at House of Falafel, the television in the corner played Now That's What I Call Arabia! 4: The DVD.

Apparently, Soy can't swim, and he's like 30! I'm not gonna lie — I think less of people over the age of 21 who can't swim. It's pathetic!

Adam Robot (24) can't swim either and refuses to learn how. He thinks it's unnatural for humans to swim. I think he's a sissy.

McKern posted an away message that read: "I am not ashamed to admit I like Daft Punk."

Who feels shame for liking Daft Punk?

"I am not ashamed to admit I am a bandwagon Sox fan." Fixed.

The Superest
Using McDonald's As Pizza Toppings
The Ten MOST DANGEROUS Organizations in America

Cash Course

Previously on Adam Riff™:

Tushar claimed that I couldn't use $100 CAD bills in Ontario (wrong!).

I had to pick up hard drives today around noon, which allowed me to eat at a nearby sandwich shop that's only open during lunch hours. Its spicy turkey sandwich is mighty tasty.

After ordering, I remembered that the shop only accepts cash.

I opened my wallet.


In Toronto, I decided to prove Tushar wrong at an empanaderia that I'd read good reviews of.

"I'd like a chicken empanada and a Diet Coke."
"That'll be $6.73."
"Do you accept $100 bills?"
"I'm just asking."
"Okay, yeah, we can accept a $100 bill."
"Oh I don't want to pay with a $100 bill!"
"No, it's cool."
"I was just…"
"I said it's cool!"
"But… [sigh]"

"That'll be $9.90."
"Will you, heh, accept Canadian bills?"
"They're just like American bills with the current exchange rate! And look, an Asian girl on a sled! Or would you prefer…uhhh…Incan statues in a rowboat?"


I haven't visited a bank since I returned home.

Sonic Bust

Rumors are swirling that H.I.M are set to do the theme song for the next James Bond film. [source]

Artists who've recorded Bond themes during David Arnold's soundtrack tenure:

Sheryl Crow
Chris Cornell


Reads like the line-up for a radio festival curated by Al Gore.

The NFL is in final negotiations to sign The Eagles to perform at halftime of the 2008 Super Bowl.

The NFL's initial choice was Garth Brooks. [source]


Artists who've performed during halftime of a Super Bowl post-Nipplegate:

Paul McCartney
The Rolling Stones
The Eagles

Just book the cast of Legends in Concert already!

Storming the Court

Ace Attorney

FBI agents searched [David Copperfield's] warehouse and a casino hotel in Las Vegas following charges that he "forced himself" on an unidentified woman.

Copperfield's lawyer, David Chesnoff, said "we know these allegations are false because David Copperfield has never forced himself on anyone." [source]


A Tribute to the Windows 3.1 "Hot Dog Stand" Color Scheme
Poor Game Design Kills Thousands

Second Life

I was browsing concert listings in the Bay Guardian and listed under "upcoming" at Cafe Du Nord was "Thomas Ian Nicholas from American Pie and Rookie of the Year."

Unbeknownst to me, Mr. Ian Nicholas is now a Rock/Acoustic artist influenced by Switchfoot.

His songs suck, but I'm tempted to attend his show for shits and giggles.

"Singer's got a big butt!"

Fast forward to -3:25 for my favourite scene.