The week in not Miss Teen South Carolina

Fans who tolerate the repetitiveness and ideological bankruptcy of the "Rush Hour" franchise may be testaments to the power of hope and a need for familiarity at a time when the Iraq war continues unabated, pensions and polar ice disappear, and Al Qaeda videos enjoy wider distribution than Sundance winners. [source]

Or they may be bored teenagers.

On The Tonight Show, Jay half-heartedly showed off a new desk. Admitting he didn't see what was wrong with the old one, Leno quipped: "It's not like NBC to get rid of something that's worked perfectly well for 15 years." [source]

Oh no he didn't!

Drudge couldn't decide on one.

Once at a party, Condoleezza Rice kicked off her shoes and started dancing. Wanting to show his partner how firm Rice's behind was, Blacker postulated that if he aimed a quarter at her butt, it would bounce right off like a rocket.

"He was right," says Kessler. "[Rice] didn't realize what he had done until everyone was laughing hysterically. She was flattered and proud." [source]

You make my pee-pee go doing doing doing.

After winning at the $1,000 level (on Power of 10), Amber (of Big Brother 8) thanked God. "God bless you, God."

When Drew Carey asked her about being scrutinized by viewers, she said, "Honestly, I don't know what 'scrutinized' means."

The $100,000 question was about pit bull ownership, and after Carey joked about Michael Vick, Amber emphatically declared, "I like Michael Vick."

After guessing the number of people who think pit bulls shouldn't be kept as pets, she pleaded, "Please, God, please," and started crying. [source]

Amber says Jews are "money-hungry" "assholes"

WWE Unforgiven could be one sad ass pay per view.


Yes folks, Gene Snitsky, King Mabel, and The Great Khali are in world title matches in one ppv

plus undertaker/mark henry. [source]

All that's missing is Spurs/Cavaliers.

Is This the Monster from J.J. Abrams' 'Cloverfield'?

A portrait of George W. Bush made out of images from porno mags

Tom Wolfe reviews Entourage

Everything that keeps me together is falling apart

My driver's license expires in October.

I want to renew online, but I need to update my current license.

For one, my photo looks like this:

Swear to God.

Add a half-inch of hair and a hoodie and darken the skin ten shades (poor lighting, not a tan).

For some reason, I decided not to smile that day.

In addition, the signature on my current license is outdated, I didn't sign my full name and the body of the capital "J" pokes through the head slightly.

Even though I rarely have to confront my license, its imperfection still irks me immensely. Same with my passport (a yellow polo shirt — what was I thinking?) and my Social Security Card (shouldn't have signed it at age seven).

I bought a pale shade of base and have been practicing signing an electronic tablet in preparation for my visit to the DMV next week. Third time's the charm.

On my first license, I look like Christopher Walken with pink lipstick on. I didn't expect the DMV to use the photo shot before my 8:00 a.m. road test.

Play together for the kids

Rumoured line-up for the 2007 Bridge School Benefit:

Tom Waits with Kronos Quartet
John Mayer
Eddie Vedder with Flea and Jack Irons
Tegan and Sara
Jerry Lee Lewis
Regina Spektor
Neil Young

All unplugged. October 27 and 28 at Shoreline.

That same weekend at Vegoose in Las Vegas: Daft Punk, Rage Against the Machine and The Stooges, performing Fun House in its entirety.

Hmm… I could see Daft Punk and The Stooges on Saturday and fly back on Sunday in time to (finally) catch Tom Waits live.

Give me a chance to repent

…will star Gunnar Hansen, famous for his role as Leatherface in the 1974 cult slasher The Texas Chain Saw Massacre.

Steven and I:

—you are jewish, correct?
—why would you think that?

—but i guess it was the other guy

—ben is the jew

—i think after finally seeing knocked up, i think i hate jewish people

—i dont know..i just find they are the only religion that really makes fun of themselves no matter what
—ive never seen a catholic making fun of themselves in ordinary convos..only jews

—and this offends you?
—nah, i just dont see the humor..but i guess they do own everything
—i think i just really hated knocked up

Vice meets… Mark "Chopper" Read
Danny DeVito and the Contract

Folk Implosion

"I am disturbed that the Man is burnt. As I looked at it, I was going, 'This can't be happening.'"

"Some people were chanting, 'Save the man, save the man!'"

A festival-goer who identified herself as simply Erica said she and her friends were "upset by the fact that someone would take this away from everybody who comes to the event just to see the man burn. To try to sabotage him is completely wrong. We wait all year long." [source]


Let me taste your tears.

This is not an exit

Some AIDS victims are being buried alive in Papua New Guinea by relatives.

One was calling out "Mama, Mama" as soil was shoveled over his head.

"I said, 'Why are they doing that?' And they said, 'If we let them live, stay in the same house, eat together and use or share utensils, we will contract the disease and we too might die.'" [source]

"If we don't bury them alive, we'll be buried alive too!"

Oh, in that case…

At least nail the victims in a box so they can suffocate with dignity.

Live burials have fascinated me ever since I stumbled upon the made-for-cable-television movie Buried Alive in my youth.

Jennifer Jason Leigh plays an adulteress who doesn't murder her husband (Tim Matheson) enough.

The setup for this movie is absolutely absurd. If you're going to murder somebody, make sure you use all the poison. Then, don't dispense with the embalming. Then, don't go cheap on the casket, sticking him in a water-damaged coffin. Then, bury him a little deeper than two feet under. And then, only then, might you get away with it. [source]

From the director of The Shawshank Redemption!

I recall a scene in which one character burns another character's face on a stove, but I may be thinking of a different made-for-cable-television movie about feuding neighbors.

To this day, I regret letting Valentino reveal to me how a magician performs the "buried alive" escape.

Apparently, the magician slips into a hidden room underneath the grave, frees himself with duplicate keys and then just chills until it's time to resurface.

Lame, I know.

I'm planning a movie set in Papua New Guinea about a miserable woman who poisons her husband with HIV-infected blood. When she grants his request to dig his own grave, he crafts a grave above a hidden room. As she buries him alive, he slips into the room and plots his revenge.

"I'm gonna sneak into our house and lick all the spoons! Bwahaha!"

Ay Carrabba

well, i got a tattoo today. it is to show my loyalty to dashboard confessional and my faith and trust in them to not disappoint.

i have been thinking about getting a dashboard tattoo for a while. (my wife courtney and i already have lyrics from 'hands down' on us, but that is more about us than the band itself).

when i saw this art for the new album on wednesday i knew i had it. so as a leap of faith in dashboard and 'the shade of poison trees' today [i got this…]

I once considered getting a tattoo of the head of the bear on the cover of Soul Coughing's El Oso LP (to show my loyalty to the band and my faith and trust in them to not disappoint, of course).

Ignore the red glasses. I culled the image from a 2001 post on how I resemble the bear.

That post will never resurface.

Also considered: A Captain Shiner (Primus) tat.

Predictions for the NFL season presented as the Star Wars universe
Darth Vader gargoyle

One more drink and I'll move on

Things that irritate me:

—Kanye West diluting the punch of "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger."

—Paying $2.17 for a bag of ice.

—Quizno's. If you're gonna charge $6.50 for an 8" sandwich, I expect an 8" sandwich. Don't try to pass off a leftover cut of bread as "regular" size when it's obviously 7" long.

—That Tim Goodman doesn't let his kids watch commercials. Smug alert!

—Trying to separate clear packing tape from clear bubble wrap.

—Uncrisp white peaches.

—Value added taxes, particularly Canada's.

—When a car I'm trying to pass changes lanes simultaneously.

—When I message someone and receive a one word response followed by "I gotta go." I'd rather you not respond at all than tease me.

The last item actually infuriates me.

"I gotta go!"

Fuck you, hot shot.

Fuck the heck?

So this was my Saturday. I returned from Boston where my cousin Kaitlin got married (in the same hall that I had my Bar Mitzvah… weird, I know. You can tell we're a very religious family) on a flight to Philly out of Logan at 11:30 AM. Not a big deal. A few things happened on the flight:

— I was one row in front of the spacious exit row. In that exit row was a 100-pound, 70-year old woman. I was not happy about this. I thought the airlines were supposed to move people that had absolutely no chance of removing the emergency exit door.

— There was a 20-something hipster across the aisle from me. As the plane was getting close to landing, they told us to turn off all electronic devices (side note: have you noticed that airplanes no long include a "no smoking" sign above you? It's been replaced with a "no electronic devices" sign), where he turned off his iPod. The flight attendant then said to him, "and please remove your headphones." He didn't, saying that "my iPod is off – my headphones block the noise". At this point, the flight attendant went into full Terror Alert: Red mode, saying very loudly "Is this going to be a problem?" The hipster removed his headphones and said something about complaining. This I don't get – he turned off his iPod (I assume this because no hipster would rightfully own a Zune) – what's the big deal about having your headphones on? I don't get it.

— Why do you put your seat back all the way when you spend the entire flight leaning forward looking out of the window? I'm looking at you, Mr. Seat in Front of Me.

Unrelated – Sox are up 7.5 right now on the Yankees, and we're looking at possibly being up 8 going into the Toilet. This is awesomely exciting.

More powerful than you can possibly imagine

Top 10 cable television programs for the week of August 13, 2007:

1. High School Musical 2 (Disney)
2. Hannah Montana (Disney)
3. The Closer (TNT)
4. Hannah Montana (Disney)
5. The Suite Life of Zack and Cody (Disney)
6. High School Musical 2 (Disney)
7. High School Musical 2 (Disney)
8. The Suite Life of Zack and Cody (Disney)
8. High School Musical (Disney)
10. Hannah Montana (Disney)

Top 50 albums for the week of August 13, 2007:

1. High School Musical 2 soundtrack
2. Miley Cyrus — Hannah Montana 2 soundtrack
8. Jonas Brothers — Jonas Brothers
16. High School Musical soundtrack
34. Hannah Montana soundtrack

Disney Masterminds Its Own Pop Universe (fascinating read)

On the other hand:

"Disney Adventures will fold in November."

About time. Put the magazine out of its misery.

Disney :: periodicals : MTV : digital music.

I used to steal Disney Adventures from Safeway. It, like TV Guide, fit perfectly in my Kumon case.

I remember stealing the first issue.

Methinks Zack and Cody need to lay off the sweets. Uncontrollable obesity is so Raven.

Serrano's got the disks

Because the company I work for thrives on business with photographers, customer support can be tricky.

On Monday, I received the following e-mail:

Tech Support: Display not working

[…] The device is a mere 2 weeks old. I purchased it by mail order from MacWay in France.

I'd tell Monsieur Author to RMA with MacWay, but:

As I am on a world tour (I am in Istanbul, Turkey for the moment), I cannot simply send my device in. I would appreciate a quick answer as I am moving constantly and I depend on the device.

He is moving constantly. Like a fugitive.

I asked him to provide me with his travel itinerary for the near future so I could arrange a direct RMA.

He replied:

Well that's difficult as there is nothing organised. I can tell you which (main) cities I plan to pass and give you an _approximate_ time schedule:

Konya (1 – 2 weeks from now)
Goreme (2 – 3 weeks from now)
Van (4 weeks from now)
Trabzon (5 weeks from now)

These are all Turkish cities. Next, I will cross into Iran where the first port of call likely will be Tehran.

A practical solution may be that you send a new device to Van (enough time and a major city) and when I pass through I pick it up and return the defective unit to you.

I will have no access to I-net in the next few days (around a week or so). So if you organise a delivery in Van, please tell me the address from where to pick up the new device.


1. He must receive the replacement device before he enters Iran. Endicia doesn't insure shipments to Iran and I don't trust the Iranian postal system.

2. His access to the Internet is intermittent, snarling contact.

3. He wants me to determine a rendezvous point — in Van, Turkey.

Uh… The UPS Store?

Scouting secure pick-up locations in Turkey wasn't part of the job description.

We're out of mints; pass the life savers

Let's play "Spot the warning signs that the movie stinks"!

—highlighting laurels from dubious film festivals
—quoting Star magazine and the Today show
—citing two forgettable comedies from last decade

I double-taked Gene Shalit's blurb.

I'll be sure to send a bouncy castle to his synagogue when he dies.

While researching for next week's sidebar, I discovered that "Man Pretending To Be Gay" is an IMDb plot keyword.

Firefox: Campus Edition

Hell Yes

The wisest course would have been for President Bush to use his nuclear weapons to slaughter Iraqis until they complied with his demands, or until they were all dead.

But if he did this, his cowardly electorate would have instantly ended his term of office, if not his freedom or his life.

If President Bush copied Julius Caesar by ordering his army to empty Iraq of Arabs and repopulate the country with Americans, he would achieve immediate results: popularity with his military; enrichment of America by converting an Arabian Iraq into an American Iraq (therefore turning it from a liability to an asset); and boost American prestige while terrifying American enemies.

He could then follow Caesar's example and use his newfound popularity with the military to wield military power to become the first permanent president of America.

Then who would be able to stop Bush from emulating Augustus Caesar and becoming ruler of the world? For only an America united under one ruler has the power to save humanity from the threat of a new Dark Age. [source]



"Gee, Dick, what do you wanna do tonight?"
"The same thing we do every night, Georgie — try to take over the world!!!"

Why I'll Check Out the Fringe This Year
Class of 2008 All-Name Team
Five Stupidest Startups of the Summer
Michelle Malkin Lectures Us On Maturity

Come Original

"All week long, whenever you hear a block of 311, be caller #20 and win tickets to see 311 with Matisyahu at the Concourse!"

Guh. All week long?

Wu-Tang Clan's upcoming album has a song that samples The Beatles' "While My Guitar Gently Weeps."

Kanye West's upcoming album has a song that samples Michael Jackson's "P.Y.T. (Pretty Young Thing)."

I foresee the song that samples Michael Jackson owning the song that samples The Beatles.


Meanwhile, Swizz Beatz's debut solo album has a song that samples…Coldplay's "X&Y."


Indie Rock Baseball

Ambulance vs. Ambulance

Fortress Features is partnering with Pierce/Williams Entertainment on an untitled male stripper comedy starring Chris Pontius. [source]

Good God. A Party Boy movie?

Next year's Super Bowl will have a red carpet for arriving celebrities. And Ryan Seacrest will cover it. [source]

Not surprisingly, next year's Super Bowl airs on Fox.

"What are you wearing, Mike?"
"This? This is Reebok."

I caught an episode of Solitary, "the reality television version of Saw," on Fox Reality.

Hell's Kitchen 3 (also Fox) featured an Asian cowboy; Solitary 2.0 confines, among others, an Asian with a mullet.

Although Phu has never dated and still lives with his parents, he does have dreams of one day owning a photography business and eventually working for Playboy.

Such a flattering bio.

During Solitary's end credits, I saw someone credited as "torment producer."

"What do you do for a living?"
"Oh, I produce torment."

I wonder if she has business cards.

Movies that make me proud to be a Jew
Only in Utah

This is about as social as I get now

Previously on Adam Riff™:

I ship packages internationally almost daily for work.

The closest post office to my work office is a USPS outlet operated by a staff of Indian women.

I try to stop by after noon to avoid a particular surly morning shift employee.

A different morning shift employee greeted me today.

"Can I get some Express Mail boxes?"
"We're out."
"Can you check the back room? Usually…"
"We're out. You can order them online."

I returned in the afternoon with a second batch of parcels.

"Can I get some Express Mail boxes?"
"Check the cubby hole."
"But the Express Mail cubby hole is always empty."
"You never know…"

I walked over and checked the cubby hole.

"Nope. No Express Mail boxes…as usual."
"Okay, how many do you need?"
"Wait, you have boxes in stock?"
"Of course. This is a post office."

These Indian women exasperate me.

A tribute to H.R. Giger and vegetable portraits
Man tattoos Microsoft's Blue Screen of Death on arm
A memo from Sony Computer Entertainment America's Executive Vice President Andrew House to the new PlayStation next generation design team

I wish I could fly away on a unicorn / I'm from the ghetto, and every day a human's born

Director Rod Lurie on his re-make of Straw Dogs:

[The original] was pretty much killed by a two-second moment on screen where his wife is being raped and she smiles. That was the end of that movie. You can be certain that she's not going to be smiling in the rape in my film. [source]


Over the weekend, I discovered that my local public library has a deeper video selection than most video stores.

You won't find 12 shelves of Russian film and television at Blockbuster. Heck, I doubt you'll find 12 shelves at Cinefile or Facets.

Also, the library carries wrestling videos!

I cannot wait to go back.

At the library, I saw an issue of The Saturday Evening Post on the magazine racks.

The Saturday Evening Post is still being published? I'd completely forgotten that it existed.

Comedienne Kathy Griffin is dating Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak

He's certainly thinking different.

"Hi, I'm a Mac."
"And I'm un-PC."

Paramount will release an extended version of Transformers in IMAX theatres on September 21