A Forest

"Are you right-handed?"
"You wear your watch on your dominant hand?"
"It's not a nuisance when you jerk off?"
"I'm sorry?"
"It doesn't, you know, retard motion?"
"Not really… Besides, I can jerk off with my left hand too."
"You can?"
"You can't?"
"No, I can! It just feels…weird."
"Finish your sales calls, Jon."

Mess with the best, die like the rest

Fuuuuuck! While shaving my head, I noticed that my hairline is receding.

"Kung Fu Tootsie" beat "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix" to top the Thai box office for the second consecutive weekend. [source]

The film is an action comedy about a triad gang forced to call upon their dead boss' son for leadership despite that son being flamboyantly transgendered, his only fight skills in the art of lady-boxing. [source]

Producers are already prepping a sequel: To Kung Fu, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar.

Rush Hour 3 is an example of what I call an "illogi-quel."

In Rush Hour, Jackie Chan travels to America. In Rush Hour 2, Chris Tucker travels to Hong Kong.

In Rush Hour 3, the two travel to France.


Other illogi-quels include Back to the Future: Part III (past, future, 1885?) and Austin Powers in Goldmember (60s in present, present in 60s, present in 70s?).

The cast of Flash Point adopts Mixed Martial Arts, which audiences probably haven't seen before stylistically in close combat scenes. [source]

MMA, eh?

The line-up for WrestleFanFest 2007 is…eclectic.

Austin! Goldberg! Bud Bundy! Duke Evers! An HIV-positive boxer!

I like the Photoshopped smoke blowing out of Goldberg's nose.

The Filth and the Fury

Rock Band update!

Nirvana's album Nevermind will be playable in full.

Moreover, the game features 41 real venues in cities like: Amsterdam, Berlin, Boston, Chicago, London, Los Angeles, Moscow, New York, Paris, Seattle, San Francisco, Sydney and Tokyo.

I hope the Los Angeles venue is the Troubadour, but it'll probably be the Whisky or the Roxy. The Chain Reaction is wishful thinking.

The San Francisco venue is undoubtedly the Fillmore.

Haha. Let's play "guess the venue"!

Chicago: The Metro!
New York City: CBGB's!
Moscow: um… The House of Blues?

Being independent doesn't mean being alone

I headed up to the city on Saturday to see Charlie Bartlett.

Ah… Summer in the city… Bring a jacket!

I normally wouldn't bother with the two-hour round-trip commute, but IMDb listed four Degrassi: The Next Generation actors in the cast.

Anton Yelchin plays the title character and, according to the message board on his IMDb page, is "the proud of Russia."

Seeing a copy of Youth in Revolt on Charlie's nightstand gave me a T.E.

On my way to the theatre, I passed a "Salvadorean Mexican Food" restaurant and saw an elderly man eating inside with an opened jar of mayonnaise beside his plate.

"Did he bring a jar of mayonnaise to the restaurant?" I wondered.

My first year at university, I lived next door to an Aussie who would bring a jar of Vegemite with him to every meal. He used Vegemite like it was Sriracha.

I also passed by a taqueria and saw a Chipotle employee eating inside.

Outside the theatre, I spied with my little eye (heh):

—a bus stop ad with an awkward Communist propaganda motif
—a guy with a "Kerry/Edwards '04" bumper sticker on the underside of his skateboard
—a random illustration of Rupert Murdoch

—and numerous indescribable hippies.

The Simpsons Movie

Bigger opening day than Transformers.

17th biggest opening day of all time (right behind Attack of the Clones).

Best single day this summer.

Biggest industry opening day ever in Australia, Argentina, Columbia and Chile.

Biggest animated opening day ever in Australia, Belgium, Finland, Germany, New Zealand, Peru, Sweden, Uruguay and Venezuela.

Bigger worldwide opening than any Pixar film.

'Simpsons' D'oh!

Boys wanna battle so I got me a battle axe

Guitar Hero III announced "Number of the Beast" by Iron Maiden and "Through the Fire and Flames" by DragonForce as playable songs.

DragonForce. Finally.

Rock Band should counter with The Mars Volta.

I caught an episode of Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations that was sponsored by the movie No Reservations.

Men's magazines sure like photographing Food Network talent with sauces.

Rachael licking chocolate sauce
Giada lying in tomato sauce

Popular. Avatar. Fashions.

I bought my first pair of shoes in almost three years.

They are the second pair of blue shoes I've purchased as an adult.

Ordering shoes online is weird.

Things that irritate me:
— packing peanuts
— paying for chips and salsa at Chili's
— people who drive sports cars at or below speed limit

I saw a truck on 101 with a large American flag on its rear window above the words "FEAR THIS."

The truck's license plate read "SS GOKU."

Ah… A jingoist and a Dragon Ball Z fan!

If you ever want to extract information from me, lock me in a room and blast "Prayer of the Refugee" by Rise Against on repeat.

Movierules #16: Song Titles
The PlayStation Controller Transformer
Guess which "Home Improvement" star married a woman almost twice his age at 17, started a vegan cuisine company, and is now getting divorced due his wife batting for the other team?

You never know just how you look through other people's eyes

Name a scene from a movie that was so funny on first viewing that you cried/couldn't breathe/peed your pants. The scene need not hold up on repeat viewings, and bloopers don't qualify.

Alex: naked borat fight

Jord: the deleted scene from back to the future when McFly has a wife beater on and is speaking with a mexican accent

Dan: the part in Hard Target where Van Damme punches a rattle snake

I'll contribute five.

"Bunk Beds" (from Black Sheep)
"Plastic" (fast forward to 2:02, from Trailer Park Boys: The Movie)
"Rhino Birth" (from Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls)
"Stonehenge" (from This Is Spinal Tap)
"The Valentine" (from Jackass Number Two)

plus one:

As you can see, my taste in comedy is very sophisticated.

Okay, your turn.

Oh wait…

Ave Maria West

The Oakland A's previewed their vision for a new ballpark village development in Fremont.

While there's much to be determined about what would go into the village, a set of deed restrictions filed last month reveal uses that will be excluded.

Those uses include Goodwill stores, laundromats, card clubs, veterinary hospitals, funeral homes, porn shops, gas stations, massage and tattoo parlors, churches and beauty schools. [source]

I can understand excluding porn shops and tattoo parlors, but veterinary hospitals and gas stations?

How must religious A's fans feel about the owner of their team equating houses of worship with laundromats?

Die Unendliche Geschichte

The new round of "Trapped in the Closet" videos finds R. Kelly portraying an old man named Randolph, complete with a pot belly and a fake white beard that nearly falls off mid-scene, as well as a preacher in a gray Jheri-curl wig and garish orange suit.

In one of the final chapters, Kelly's Sylvester character talks business with a "Sopranos"-esque mobster who is eating a giant plate of spaghetti. [source]

Theatre of the Absurd for the masses.

Addendum, assface.

Ben spent Monday at the beach with his pro-life girlfriend.
His girlfriend built a fetus out of sand.
Then, Ben destroyed the sand fetus in front of his girlfriend.
He clams that it's one of the funniest things he's ever done.
You can't rate the hilarity of your own actions!

To be fair, I also yelled out "ABORTED" when I smashed it. Jon failed to mention this. And it was hilarious.

Under Covers Over You

When I first heard that season three of Weeds features a cover of "Little Boxes" by Linkin Park, I didn't believe the news.

Well, Linkin Park covered the show's theme song. I wonder if their version includes any clapping.

Producers received over 90 covers of "Little Boxes" for 15 title sequences.

Every season, The Wire uses a different version of "Way Down in the Hole" in its title sequence.

Season five welcomes a cover by Steve Earle.

Wikipedia > The Wire > Music:

The Wire is unusual in utilizing almost only diegetic music; that is, all music must emanate from a source within the scene.

I never noticed that.

During its run, The O.C. used three versions of "California" in its title sequence: the original recording, a 2005 acoustic recording and a cover by Mates of State.

Related: MTV moves up the coast for "Newport Harbor: The Real Orange County"

Newport Harbor will follow The Real World: Sydney.

In a first for the series, a cast member is challenged by their significant other back home to make a choice: Sydney or their relationship.

TNT ain't the only network that knows drama.

Would you dump your significant other for The Real World? The Real World that we know today?

The cast is assigned to design a two-day Sydney sightseeing tour. The opportunity to win a European trip creates friendly competition as the roommates go head-to-head.

Ha! A Real World challenge!

M. Night Shyamalan's Celebrity Playlist is comically solipsistic. About his choice of Blink-182's All of This, he writes: "I love this song. Almost did a video for this. It would have been about vampires." About Pearl Jam's Rearviewmirror: "I wrote my first studio screenplay to this." And so on.

Kanye West really likes Vanessa Carlton's A Thousand Miles. (He writes: "This must be the white song that all black people like.") [source]

Why hasn't Vanessa Carlton's label change received more attention?

She signed to Murder Inc.! Her boss is now Irv Gotti!

She's Irv Gotti's Fuzzbubble!

Let's play Negro, Not a Negro!
Shanghai's MC Qiangqiang performing, move for move, the dance steps from MC Hammer's "You Can't Touch This" with his mom just chilling in the background

I would never kill a hooker

Jimmy Kimmel was poking fun at the fact that Flavor Flav has several children with several different women, when he said that "Chris Benoit is a better father than you." [source]

Live Blog: Flav Gets Roasted

The smell of bleach intoxicates me.

I have to restrain myself from over-inhaling when I use bleach products.

I love using bleach products.

Ben spent Monday at the beach with his pro-life girlfriend.

His girlfriend built a fetus out of sand.

Then, Ben destroyed the sand fetus in front of his girlfriend.

He claims that it's one of the funniest things he's ever done.


You can't rate the hilarity of your own actions!

First Eight Toronto International Film Festival '07 Midnight Madness Titles Announced

SWEET SASSY MOLASSY! Wilson Yip's follow-up to SPL looks bonkers.

Yes, I know what the final two Midnight Madness titles are, no I'm not allowed to tell you yet, yes you will be very happy.

They are BIG names! but cool big names.

I am intrigued. I Am Legend?

The 50-Foot Marshmallow Blaster
The "Hello" Experiment
Pepsi Summer Mix

Keep churning out those hits 'til it's all the same old shit


Thaves should write for The Simpsons.

Bob Thaves died last year. Like several comic strips, Frank and Ernest survives because his son took over.

I've often wondered what compels children of cartoonists to continue their fathers' work.

You only live once, and you want to spend the rest of your life producing more Frank and Ernest strips? You don't have any other dreams or aspirations?

The strips that change management are never family businesses worth preserving: Frank and Ernest, Hägar the Horrible, B.C., The Wizard of Id… All lame and irrelevant since before I was born, all — who would miss them?

Seven Movies That Surprised Me With Their Bad Special Effects

Oakland Art and Soul Festival

Saturday, September 1 (Live 105 day)
Jack London Square
$10 at door

Ted Leo and the Pharmacists
Against Me!
The Lovemakers
Great Northern
Army of Me
Audrye Sessions

According to Army of Me's MySpace page, the band will transition from opening for Dave Matthews Band in August to opening for The Used in September.

"Lateral move" is not the right term.

Box Populi

Every year, people complain about how lame Oscar nominations/winners are, and then the Eh-mmys come along to put everything in perspective.

This year's nominees for 'Outstanding Reality Program' and 'Outstanding Variety, Music or Comedy Series' are exactly the same as last year's nominees.

'Outstanding Main Title Design'
Dexter for the win.

…or not. The 78th Annual Academy Awards won last year.

If its two-episode screener is any indication, season two of Dexter will improve on season one.

'Outstanding Original Music And Lyrics'
Should win: "Dick in a Box" (Saturday Night Live)
Will win: "Everything Comes Down to Poo" (Scrubs)

A Mad TV song beat out two High School Musical songs last year.

Yes, I just compared Scrubs to Mad TV.

'Outstanding Prosthetic Makeup'
The episode of Nip/Tuck set in the future?


Speaking of FX shows, I'm done with Rescue Me. Please join Entourage and The Riches on the bench. Greek, suit up.

How Top Bloggers Earn Money
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Then, in the 21st Century, black radio sank to this