Previously on Adam Riff:
My lips began rotting and itching again.
My brother graduates from high school today.
"Jon, go up to the front and photograph Winston receiving his diploma."
"You do it."
"But I want to sit."
"But I'm a monster!"
"You look fine."
I looked like a leper.
Patchy face with peeling skin and putrid lips…
The thought of someone in the audience bending over and lighting a joint or pipe amused me.
Student graduation speeches are like tribute montages during the Oscars.
Instead of mood-killing speakers, why not stand-up comedians? Ask the class clowns to each perform a short set.
"How you all doin' tonight? Good?"
"What's the deal with high school?"
"He's a nigger!!!"
I brought my iPod so commencement could end with "Don't Stop Believin'." The song fit perfectly.
Abir A. Abi Abboud…
"Where do you want to go for dinner?"
"I don't care."
Jonathan Bapu Nathan…
"How 'bout sushi?"
"Sushi sounds good."
My father was preoccupied with dinner the whole time.
After the hat toss, we snapped a quick photo with my brother and then rushed off to a sushi restaurant.
At the restaurant:
"You're not gonna order anything, dad?"
"I'll order later. I had a large lunch. I just want like four pieces anyway."
While I busily turned my stomach into an aquarium, my father conversed with the couple sitting beside us at the sushi bar.
"This is my older son. He just graduated from grad school and now he's working in the Valley."
"He study engineering?"
"Yeah. Engineering. Software."
I couldn't believe the nerve of my father. Liar, liar, pants on fire!
"You eat enough?"
"I ate just enough. I don't feel like I overate at all."
"Dad, you ate four pieces of sushi!"
• If Jack Sparrow had Down syndrome…