Slow Motion Daydream

Steve Wozniak — who co-founded Apple with Steve Jobs — was the first person in my iPhone queue.

Wozniak arrived at the Apple store at Valley Fair Mall in San Jose at 4 a.m. [source]

He must have a lot of free time.

Wikipedia > Steve Wozniak > Current activities:

Woz is a member of the Segway Polo team.

Woz is training for the 2007 Nathan's Famous hotdog eating competition.

Yup, free time galore.

At lunch time, a bunch of Apple employees stopped by to gawk at all the dopes in line.

I felt like a zoo attraction. No cameras!

Edit: Somewhere on Engadget is a photo of me in line.

Going Nowhere Slowly

As I was about to leave work on Thursday, my boss approached me.

"I need a favor."
"What's up?"
"I need you to wait in line for me for the iPhone tomorrow. Have you been to the Apple Store at Valley Fair?"

You mean, the Apple Store closest to Apple's headquarters?

"Okay, good. I need you to arrive at 8:00 a.m. I'll replace you sometime in the afternoon."

I'm glad college prepared me to wait in line for a phone.

I just returned from a trip that exhausted my time-killing resources too.

Pelvic Thrust

This is so distracting.

[Evan Almighty's] business was strongest in the South and Mid-West, average in the West Coast and Mountain regions, and softest in the East and Canada. [source]

Canada? Not down with God.

From A.O. Scott's review of Nancy Drew:

In time Ned shows up in Los Angeles, where he must compete for Nancy's attention with Corky (Josh Flitter), kid brother to one of the Mean Girls and perhaps the most annoying annoying-sidekick character in a movie since Robin Williams's last cartoon voice-over.

Guess who plays Robin Williams' annoying sidekick in License to Wed?

Saturday Night Live should re-hire Norm MacDonald to play Barack Obama. Hey, if Darrell Hammond can play Jesse Jackson…

I pray that fellow fans never show me their Degrassi again.

Hey, at least that Clippers center is still alive, eh?

So where I work a new high class little "food court" opened up next door. They've got everything from a smoothie bar to stir fry and burritos. But here's the thing – everyone who works there is eastern European.

Have you ever seen a Russian make a burrito? It's a tragedy. It's criminal. I don't understand it. I watched this girl put waaaaaaaay too much into the wrap, then mess it up, then try to grill it. I basically told her that I couldn't eat it because it would fall apart. She made me a new one, but nonetheless, it's still an awful burrito.

I don't get it – they hired an Asian guy to run the stir fry – how hard is it to have a Mexican guy run the burrito area?


Let's put it this way – if a Jamaican made me some charoses, I'm sure it wouldn't come out right. And I'm sure that there are some great French burrito chefs – and some great Australian stir fry masters – but this is absurd. I just want my burrito to be made right. I could do better than these chumps.

Light myself a smoke beneath the dark Atlantic sky

There's got to be a doctoral thesis in sorting out why flickr kids are so goddamn chipper vs. the entire raging puerile commentary that fills the rest of the web.

— Howard-san

The word of the year is: Surfeit.

Beyond the Break Maui Fever Living Lahaina Surf's Up John From Cincinnati Rise of Silver Surfer

Surfeit. An overabundant supply.

I thought WBCN had radio's most poorly-designed web site until Adam Robot directed me to the one for The Zone 96 DOT 3.

Good G_d!

If I was a web designer, I'd picture the latter station's site during sex to stave off ejaculation.

Film director Ridley Scott (Alien, Blade Runner) is preparing a feature-length version of board game Monopoly.

[…] turn the property game into a comedy thriller.

Hasbro wants the film to feature "sexy young people" in an attempt to attract teenagers to board games. [source]

You mean, American Idol Monopoly didn't pique their interest?

Monopoly licensing is out of control.

John Deere Monopoly and Bass Fishing Lakes Monopoly certainly don't exist because of popular demand.

Thing to do before I die: Witness an Indian person fighting.

I've only ever seen one Indian person fight, and he fought with yoga moves.

Comments at the Bodies exhibition
The NBA Fucking Sucks: A Playlist

Pound and Pint

Taste less, great feeling!

Fatherless Day for Shane and Stephanie

Mr. McMahon was known as an avid weight-trainer, as evidenced by the April 2006 cover and feature inside Muscle & Fitness magazine. Now Shane and Stephanie must provide a very different strength for their loved ones.

Journalism at its finest.

WWE Auction: Unsigned Sideview Mirror from Vince's Limo that exploded
Opening Bid: $50.00 USD

Frameline, the San Francisco International LGBT Film Festival, will screen 77 feature films this year.

I didn't realize so much contemporary LGBT-related cinema was available. You have to wonder what organizers passed on.

A "rambling" letter arrived for "Good Morning America" weatherman [Sam Champion] along with a mysterious white powder.

Detectives checked out the return address on the envelope. They found A.J. Dunleavy. He admitted to sending the letter. [source]


US States Renamed For Countries With Similar GDPs
Strange Tunnel
The Philly Taco

A Turk, a Dirk and a jerk

Does Mike D intend to look as old as Dylan too?

The woman in front of me in line at Chipotle approached the service bar.

"I want a burrito with just rice and lettuce."


"And a little cheese."

Rice, lettuce and cheese wrapped in a tortilla — mmmmm!

The Transformers soundtrack looks suspiciously like a promotional tool for this summer's Projekt Revolution tour.

Press release quote of the week:

Fox Reality presents its new original series "The Search for the Next Elvira." [source]


Related: Shrek (the musical) is seeking rock singers and hip hop performers to play the parts of Shrek and Donkey on Broadway

Kick out the jams

Previously on Adam Riff™:

My lips began rotting and itching again.

My brother graduates from high school today.

"Jon, go up to the front and photograph Winston receiving his diploma."
"You do it."
"But I want to sit."
"But I'm a monster!"
"You look fine."

I looked like a leper.

Patchy face with peeling skin and putrid lips…

The thought of someone in the audience bending over and lighting a joint or pipe amused me.

Student graduation speeches are like tribute montages during the Oscars.

Instead of mood-killing speakers, why not stand-up comedians? Ask the class clowns to each perform a short set.

"How you all doin' tonight? Good?"

"What's the deal with high school?"

"He's a nigger!!!"

I brought my iPod so commencement could end with "Don't Stop Believin'." The song fit perfectly.

Abir A. Abi Abboud…
"Where do you want to go for dinner?"
"I don't care."

Jonathan Bapu Nathan…
"How 'bout sushi?"
"Sushi sounds good."

Max Vujovic…
"You hungry?"

My father was preoccupied with dinner the whole time.

After the hat toss, we snapped a quick photo with my brother and then rushed off to a sushi restaurant.

At the restaurant:
"You're not gonna order anything, dad?"
"I'll order later. I had a large lunch. I just want like four pieces anyway."

While I busily turned my stomach into an aquarium, my father conversed with the couple sitting beside us at the sushi bar.

"This is my older son. He just graduated from grad school and now he's working in the Valley."
"He study engineering?"
"Yeah. Engineering. Software."

I couldn't believe the nerve of my father. Liar, liar, pants on fire!

"You eat enough?"
"I ate just enough. I don't feel like I overate at all."
"Dad, you ate four pieces of sushi!"

If Jack Sparrow had Down syndrome…

All you desire will rise like tides

"To tell the truth, I'm not excited to go to Cleveland, but we have to," Ichiro said through an interpreter. "If I ever saw myself saying I'm excited going to Cleveland, I'd punch myself in the face, because I'm lying." [source]

My brother graduates from high school today.

I planned on showing up to the ceremony like this:

…but then Cho Seung-Hui happened.

I've never actually attended a high school graduation. Should be interesting. My mother asked me to buy an airhorn.

Tony Soprano presumably survived, but Mr. McMahon presumably didn't — after presumably committing suicide with a car bomb!

Trailer Park Boys' seventh season finale felt like a series finale. Bottle kids wouldn't just re-appear for naught.

Fox's reality casting department somehow managed to outdo Sanjaya:

48 years old! Compared to him, A.J. Soprano is King Leonides.

The quick and the sick

I could go on and on about this, but nothing I could ever say will really capture the layers of crazy in this new mother's story about some creative approaches to cooking with breast milk. See, that right there… already it's almost too much for me to handle. So I'll leave you with this quote from the article:

"So, the moral of the story, YOU CANNOT MAKE CHEESE OUT OF BREASTMILK. Don't even try."

However, for the disenchanted, "Definitely you could make cream soup out of breast milk, and perhaps milk shake and smoothies too. Or as pancake. Many things!" Good to know.

Hispanic! at the Disco

I attended Live 105's BFD on Saturday, along with what appeared to be the entire East Bay.

I gotta stop believing that I can outwit the sun. My face currently looks like I, well, like I've had a few drinks.

I saw a guy with hollow half-inch plugs in his nose, one on the side of each nostril.

The Bravery seems like a band that would be popular in Japan.

I underestimated Social Distortion's fanbase.

I saw an ad for Top Chef ("the #1 food show on television") during The Next Food Network Star. Brash!

The spacey blonde on Next Food Network Star played the goalie in D2: The Mighty Ducks and D3.

Which rivalries are real?

Julian Tavarez, Part 1.

An ongoing series of why Julian Tavarez is an awesome dude.

Julian Tavarez was showing a few of us his right middle finger, which has a popped blister near the tip. He said that he's had it for his last couple of starts but has successfully treated it in his own unique manner: 1). Pop it, 2). Repeatedly swab it with rubbing alcohol, 3). Crush aspirins, mix it with Red Bull energy drink and rub it on the popped blister.

Tavarez said that he has successfully used that approach for years on his blisters. [source]

Where do I even start? This man is insane. I love him.

As long as their soda cans are red, white and blue ones

My best friends in college are getting married — to each other — and I'm not sure what to gift them, nor how much to spend on my gift.

Is $1000 enough?

They set up a honeymoon cruise registry, but c'mon… I'd fund terrorists before I fund a bloody cruise.

June 23? Pooh.

Doug and Elizabeth probably wouldn't appreciate me skipping their wedding reception to watch Stephen Baldwin fight wizards.

"Sci-Fi Originals" from the past several years:

Alien Apocalypse, Alien Blood, Alien Express, Alien Hunter, Alien Lockdown, Android Apocalypse, Anonymous Rex, Attack of the Sabretooth, Basilisk: The Serpent King, Boa vs. Python, Cerberus, Chupacabra Terror, Crocodile, Crocodile 2: Death Swamp, Dragon Dynasty, Dragon Fighter, Dragon Storm, Dungeons & Dragons 2, Fire Serpent, Frankenfish, Gargoyles: Wings of Darkness, Hammerhead: Shark Frenzy, House of the Dead 2, Kaw, Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep, Lake Placid 2, Larva, Locusts: The 8th Plague, Mammoth, Man with the Screaming Brain, Man-Thing, Mansquito, Manticore, Minotaur, Octopus, Octopus 2: River of Fear, Pterodactyl, Pumpkinhead 3: Ashes to Ashes, Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys, Python, Python 2, Raging Sharks, Raptor Island, Raptor Island 2: Raptor Planet, Reign of the Gargoyles, Return of the Living Dead 5: Rave to the Grave, S.S. Doomtrooper, Sabretooth, Sasquatch, Sasquatch Hunters, Sasquatch Mountain, Savage Planet, Shapeshifter, Shark Attack, Shark Attack 2, Shark Attack 3: Megalodon, Shark Zone, Skeleton Man, Snakehead Terror, Snakeman, Species 3, Spiders, Spiders 2: Breeding Ground, Voodoo Moon and Webs.

Raptor Island 2: Raptor Planet. Lulz.


Press release quote of the week:

Jamie Roberts, GSN's Senior Vice President of Programming said, "Getting Dennis Miller to be our host on GRAND SLAM is the game show equivalent of landing the #1 draft pick."

…and selecting Mario Williams.


Jack Bauer Be@rbrick
Yahoo's gay avatars

Hey baby, I love yo' mustache

According the supposedly "reputable" publication, The New York Times, it's so hot to be menopausal. For the record, coming from a living, breathing, non-gay male, this is totally not true. Unless you're talking hotter like hot flashes hotter, in which case, yes, I guess menopausal women are technically hotter. But it's not like that makes me care about the old hags. Ha ha, sorry mom!

The three were chatting when Ms. Caruana, who is in menopause, suddenly blurted out, "I'm having a hot flash."

The conversation lurched to a halt, followed by uneasy chuckling.

Ms. Caruana, though, was unashamed. "Why hide it?" she said later of the episode, which occurred in March. "I kind of call my menopause my 'red badge of courage.'"

Oh, that's funny, considering that's the only red thing about your body these days, if you know what I'm saying. Now, it's not that I particularly have anything against menopausal women, just like I don't really have anything against fat people (this is kind of a lie, but whatever), it's just that I'm trying to set the record straight here. I'm sure many fat people are perfectly fine human beings, but that doesn't mean they're hot, and when they think they are and go lumbering around with their sixteen ass cheeks cascading out of a pair of ill-fitting shorts, somebody has just got to do something. So, uh, basically I guess I'm trying to say that the same goes for menopausal women. You're not hot, so… um… stop thinking that for whatever reason you suddenly are.

PS: Sorry for that period joke up there, guys.