Tony's cell phone alarm rings. He reluctantly checks the time.
Tony: Oh shit!
Tony pops out of bed and dresses quickly.
Tony: Fuck!
Tony grabs his backpack and then pauses to survey the room.
Tony: Where did I put it?
Tony ransacks his side of the room and then wakes his roommate.
Tony: Sid! Sid! Did you see what I did with my gun after we returned last night?
Sid: [groggy] It's not on your desk? Did you check your laundry basket?
Tony: OF COURSE I…fuck, I don't have time for this. I'm late for a midterm.
Tony exits the room briskly.
A minute later…
BANG!
The camera pans outside the window of Tony and Sid's room. Tony lies in a pool of blood in the middle of the housing quad.
Cue title sequence:
Semiotoma Tech
"the university where everyone is armed"
Sid: Last night, we had to fit six people into Max's car, so I let Cassie sit in my lap, not realizing that I had my Desert Eagle in a pants pocket. God forbid she now assume that… and if Michelle hears…
Chris: Dude, just be honest with Cassie.
Sid: Be honest with her? Crazy Cassie?
Chris: Look, if she flips out, use your gun. That's what it's for, right?
Sid: Right. Protection…
Police Chief: Currently, our only lead is the bullet. We're lookin' for someone with a 9 mm weapon.
Chancellor: That describes like three-fourths of the campus.
Chief: Right, so keep your eyes peeled for someone who's missing a shoe.
[pause]
Chief: Land of Waldos, The Great Waldo Search…
[pause]
Chief: What do you want me to say, huh? You try finding the gunman on this campus! At this time, we can only institute precautionary measures against another shooting.
Chancellor: What do you propose?
Chief: Disarming the campus.
[pause]
Chief: Kidding!
Chancellor: Oh. Heh. Phew…
Chief: No, I'd like to tattoo the serial number of each student and staff member's gun on his or her left forearm. I thought we could start with a small group, say, Hillel?
Chancellor: Okay.
Chief: I need you to set up a meeting at Lenny's Diner.
Chancellor: Lenny's Diner?
Chief: I don't want attendees to feel intimidated.
Chancellor: Can all of Hillel fit inside?
Chief: I'm sure we can squeeze everybody in.
Sid enters his room.
Sid: Cassie! How'd you…?
Cassie: I brought you a gift.
Sid: Oh.
Cassie: Go on, unwrap it.
Sid unwraps the gift.
Sid: It's a…Glock.
Cassie: Yeah. You like it? I sealed it with a kiss from my "lower" lips.
Sid: Your lower…? OH GOD!
Sid drops the gun on the floor. Cassie picks the gun up.
Cassie: You don't have to keep up the charade any longer, Sid. [whispering] I know!
Sid: Cassie…
Cassie presses the barrel of the glock against Sid's lips. Sid cringes.
Cassie: Come on. Just a little taste. I won't tell Michelle.
Sid: Cassie, please!
BANG!
Cassie tumbles to the floor as "Hide and Seek" by Imogen Heap plays.
RA: Are you all right, Sid? I was just passing by your room and saw this girl holding a gun t—
BANG!
The RA tumbles to the floor as "Hide and Seek" by Imogen Heap plays. Michelle runs into the room.
Michelle: Sid!
Michelle hugs Sid.
Michelle: Thank God you're alive! I came over to visit and saw this man pointing a gun at someone lying on the floor and I thought it was you!
Sid: You…you shot…
Security Officer: Drop your weapons!
Sid: It's okay, officer! Just a misunderstanding. Or two.
Officer: This your room?
Sid: Yes.
Officer: I'm gonna have to debrief you. [to Michelle] Please step outside, ma'am.
Michelle: No.
Officer: No?
Michelle: My boyfriend almost died!
Officer: Ma'am…
Michelle: I can't abandon him right n—
The security officer tasers Michelle.
Cable News Personality: Why didn't the victim defend himself? Aren't all the students armed?
Geraldo: Yes, but he left his gun at a pub the night before. He emptied his pockets looking for identification and forgot to put the gun back.
Personality: You hear that, folks? He might still be alive if pubs didn't card!
Ken: Sid? What are you doing here?
Sid: Getting rid of this.
Ken: Nice Glock. Can I hold it?
Sid: Oh you don't want to touch it. Trust me.
Ken: Okay…
Sid: So I hear you're transferring.
Ken: Yup. Gotta unload this MP5 beforehand though. Can't ship it home because the country banned firearms.
Sid: Shame…
Ken: Eh. I bought it during Welcome Week freshman year and haven't used it once. Load off my back…
Clerk: Next!
Ken hands his MP5 to the clerk.
Clerk: $2.00.
Ken glares at the clerk.
Ken: Do you know how much I paid for this?
Clerk: Supply and demand…
[pause]
Ken: [sigh] Fine.