Of the two, you will run into reference types much more often

I will never understand poetic spam. Sure, I can see the purpose of poorly constructed ads for Cialis or home refinancing loans, even if they annoy the shit out of me. Ultimately, I can understand why there is somebody out there who is forced to put these meager offerings together and send them to a massive contact list, and I imagine their own realization of the fact that their job is totally ineffective only contributes to the care which they invest in their work, which then, in turn, makes the ads even less effective, and so on and so forth. At least, failures as they may be, those types of spam messages have some kind of purpose in mind. But relatively often I'll find a message containing a haiku, or a single cryptic line and can't see why anybody wasted the bandwidth on it. I mean, I guess it's kind of entertaining, but if you're really that bored I would think buying a Playstation 3 or masturbating for a couple hours would be a way more satisfying investment.

Anyway, what prompted this little post was the email I got today from Dru Orabi, and maybe if my name was that fucked up I'd have fallen into a life of sending asinine spam emails. He wrote me the following, "He beamed again, his face red as he turned and headed for a back room." There are untold volumes of context surrounding that sentence I'm sure, and we'll never know. Oh Dru, you merciless tease.

Friends of the road

In stores May 15:

You mean, Seagal and Ja Rule were UNAVAILABLE?

Sometimes I can't believe that I attended a Coachella festival (2003).

Then, I really can't believe that Tony and I waited to see the Black Eyed Peas.

Every summer, the Alamo Drafthouse screens movies on location.

This year, see Friday in South Central!

The Sunday paper included a 20-page "advertising supplement" for…Utah.

Featured inside: a full-page ad for the Salt Lake City International Airport and a spread on Ogden with some choice quotes:

Paleontology is the study of dinosaurs, which makes it the science of cool. There's no better place to study the science of cool than at the Dinosaur Park.

Only the dinosaur park can give you a look at the dinosaur world.

This is the place that Al Capone said was too wild for his taste in the 1920s. And while we've replaced bootlegging, prostitution and gambling with skiing, climbing, kayaking and mountain biking, Ogden's soul will always be a bit rowdy.

If you want homogenized, we're probably not for you.

The city paid people to write this.

I should look into copy writing.

Dasvidania, Mstislav.

The Ungrateful Biotch Hotline

Alexa is about as reliable as Dreamz on Survivor, but I still found this interesting:

1. Are New Caledonia and Reunion countries? Yakko didn't mention them…

2. Where are New Caledonia and Reunion?

3. "New Caledonia is an island and several smaller islands located in the southwest Pacific Ocean, east of Australia and northwest of New Zealand."

4. "Reunion is an island located in the Indian Ocean, east of Madagascar and southwest of Mauritius."

5. Whoa.

6. Egyptians enjoy a site named after a Jew more than Israelis do.

7. My goal for 2007 is to establish an audience in Asia and South America. That, and get a job.

8. Ni hau ma, amigos?

This week in re-make announcements:
April Fool's Day
Death Race 2000
All of Me

The Web's Most Fascinating People: Adam Riff
You'd agree that we're mean-spirited? Well, we agree that you should eat a dick.

Cow Palace

Some relatives, my father and I ate dinner at a trendy shabu-shabu restaurant Wednesday night.

How trendy?

On the ceiling, a contraption oscillated rows of artificial palm leaf fans.

The shabu-shabu bar faced several televisions all tuned to ESPNEWS.

Odd choice, I thought.

After dinner, we stopped by a trendy milk tea cafe.

The television inside was tuned to SciFi Channel.

Hike up your skirt a little more and show the world to me

Sees dead people:
Jeff Goldblum
Jennifer Love Hewitt

Sees the future:
Nicolas Cage
Sandra Bullock
Henry Ian Cusick
Santiago Cabrera
Milo Ventimiglia and Zachary Quinto (by way of Cabrera)

Sees dead people and the future:
Patricia Arquette

Sees the past:
Denzel Washington

Sees the past and the future:
Anthony Michael Hall

Sees the present only:
Taye Diggs

Sees the past and the future in the present:
Masi Oka
David Tennant

Seize the day:
Robert Sean Leonard

Dear FBI

While I try to wrap my head around the guest list for American Idol's charity event on Wednesday — Jack Black, Mr. Bean and Borat? — plus Celine Dion's reported duet with a virtual Elvis, observe closely:

Are the kids staring at Simon's tits, his bottle of Coke or his pack of cigarettes?

At least pretend to care, man!

"Africa was ghastly!

Hard to ignore the Pitchfork Music Festival's daily token hip-hop act. Affirmative action rears its head again.

Early notes on the final season of The Wire:

» just 10 episodes
» will be the funniest season ever if you like your humor dark
» Clark Johnson will have a prominent role as the city editor of Baltimore's daily newspaper
» Clark is scheduled to direct the series finale
» the final story is built around McNulty

If Hip-Hop was The Wire then… (how did I miss this?)

Welcome to Chino Hills
The Infamous Gas Chamber Story
So Ronery

Solving all our problems with bottles and women

Someone explain to me why Entourage is good.

I've yet to finish watching an episode and think, "Wow, I want to see more!"

To be fair, I only began watching the show after its supposed breakthrough second season, but 15 episodes isn't a negligible sample.

Johnny Drama was better as Kramer on Seinfeld.

Also: Why is Debi Mazar still listed in the opening credits?

Droppin' April 29:

How 'bout that Paris skyline?

He must've hired the same people who designed LeBron's logo.

For game two of the Spurs vs. Nuggets series, Gregg Popovich and George Karl should don fangs and black capes with popped collars.

The Spurs fan to end all other Spurs fans

Kirsten Dunce
Fast Food: Ads vs. Reality

Last year's wishes are this year's apologies

Tony's cell phone alarm rings. He reluctantly checks the time.

Tony: Oh shit!

Tony pops out of bed and dresses quickly.

Tony: Fuck!

Tony grabs his backpack and then pauses to survey the room.

Tony: Where did I put it?

Tony ransacks his side of the room and then wakes his roommate.

Tony: Sid! Sid! Did you see what I did with my gun after we returned last night?
Sid: [groggy] It's not on your desk? Did you check your laundry basket?
Tony: OF COURSE I…fuck, I don't have time for this. I'm late for a midterm.

Tony exits the room briskly.

A minute later…


The camera pans outside the window of Tony and Sid's room. Tony lies in a pool of blood in the middle of the housing quad.

Cue title sequence:

Semiotoma Tech
"the university where everyone is armed"

Sid: Last night, we had to fit six people into Max's car, so I let Cassie sit in my lap, not realizing that I had my Desert Eagle in a pants pocket. God forbid she now assume that… and if Michelle hears…
Chris: Dude, just be honest with Cassie.
Sid: Be honest with her? Crazy Cassie?
Chris: Look, if she flips out, use your gun. That's what it's for, right?
Sid: Right. Protection…

Police Chief: Currently, our only lead is the bullet. We're lookin' for someone with a 9 mm weapon.
Chancellor: That describes like three-fourths of the campus.
Chief: Right, so keep your eyes peeled for someone who's missing a shoe.
Chief: Land of Waldos, The Great Waldo Search
Chief: What do you want me to say, huh? You try finding the gunman on this campus! At this time, we can only institute precautionary measures against another shooting.
Chancellor: What do you propose?
Chief: Disarming the campus.
Chief: Kidding!
Chancellor: Oh. Heh. Phew…
Chief: No, I'd like to tattoo the serial number of each student and staff member's gun on his or her left forearm. I thought we could start with a small group, say, Hillel?
Chancellor: Okay.
Chief: I need you to set up a meeting at Lenny's Diner.
Chancellor: Lenny's Diner?
Chief: I don't want attendees to feel intimidated.
Chancellor: Can all of Hillel fit inside?
Chief: I'm sure we can squeeze everybody in.

Sid enters his room.

Sid: Cassie! How'd you…?
Cassie: I brought you a gift.
Sid: Oh.
Cassie: Go on, unwrap it.

Sid unwraps the gift.

Sid: It's a…Glock.
Cassie: Yeah. You like it? I sealed it with a kiss from my "lower" lips.
Sid: Your lower…? OH GOD!

Sid drops the gun on the floor. Cassie picks the gun up.

Cassie: You don't have to keep up the charade any longer, Sid. [whispering] I know!
Sid: Cassie…

Cassie presses the barrel of the glock against Sid's lips. Sid cringes.

Cassie: Come on. Just a little taste. I won't tell Michelle.
Sid: Cassie, please!


Cassie tumbles to the floor as "Hide and Seek" by Imogen Heap plays.
RA: Are you all right, Sid? I was just passing by your room and saw this girl holding a gun t—


The RA tumbles to the floor as "Hide and Seek" by Imogen Heap plays. Michelle runs into the room.

Michelle: Sid!

Michelle hugs Sid.

Michelle: Thank God you're alive! I came over to visit and saw this man pointing a gun at someone lying on the floor and I thought it was you!
Sid: You…you shot…

Security Officer: Drop your weapons!
Sid: It's okay, officer! Just a misunderstanding. Or two.
Officer: This your room?
Sid: Yes.
Officer: I'm gonna have to debrief you. [to Michelle] Please step outside, ma'am.
Michelle: No.
Officer: No?
Michelle: My boyfriend almost died!
Officer: Ma'am…
Michelle: I can't abandon him right n—

The security officer tasers Michelle.

Cable News Personality: Why didn't the victim defend himself? Aren't all the students armed?
Geraldo: Yes, but he left his gun at a pub the night before. He emptied his pockets looking for identification and forgot to put the gun back.
Personality: You hear that, folks? He might still be alive if pubs didn't card!

Ken: Sid? What are you doing here?
Sid: Getting rid of this.
Ken: Nice Glock. Can I hold it?
Sid: Oh you don't want to touch it. Trust me.
Ken: Okay…
Sid: So I hear you're transferring.
Ken: Yup. Gotta unload this MP5 beforehand though. Can't ship it home because the country banned firearms.
Sid: Shame…
Ken: Eh. I bought it during Welcome Week freshman year and haven't used it once. Load off my back…
Clerk: Next!

Ken hands his MP5 to the clerk.

Clerk: $2.00.

Ken glares at the clerk.

Ken: Do you know how much I paid for this?
Clerk: Supply and demand…
Ken: [sigh] Fine.


—im happy you didnt actually make any va tech jokes
—i think i would have stopped reading your site

Too soon?

This week in re-make announcements:
The Incredible Hulk
Clash of the Titans
Colossus: The Forbin Project
Terror Train
All Quiet on the Western Front


Vodka and cognac weren't enough

Linkin Park is the Blizzard Man of rock.

Quick Hits:

• Bono and The Edge will (reportedly) be involved in writing the songs for a Broadway musical about Spider-Man.

• The soundtrack for Shrek the Third includes a duet between Eddie Murphy (as Donkey) and Antonio Banderas (as Puss in Boots) on Sly and the Family Stone's "Thank You (Falettinme Be Mice Elf Again)."

The album also includes Led Zeppelin, The Ramones and a cover of Heart's "Barracuda" by Fergie.

• Ben Lee is collaborating with Mandy Moore, Benji Madden of Good Charlotte and Sara Watkins of Nickel Creek on his next album.

Ben may think he's Timbaland, but Kris Roe thinks he sucks.

The world needs more emo diss tracks.

Paul Wall's Top 10 Similes

I wish him the best of luck opening for Fall Out Boy this summer.

Actually, Evanescence may suffer worse opening for Korn.

Thoughts and Prayers

• How would the country react if one of the 32 victims was Osama bin Laden?

• Should Monday's events surprise a citizenry that issues death threats like farts? Last week, death threats against Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson. This week, death threats against Faux Cho and the man who sold Cho the murder weapons.

Yes, respond to a massacre by threatening to kill people!

Oldboy? The Matrix? Taxi Driver? The episode of Lost in which Sun shot an Other?

For all things offensive, lulz.. and TOO SOON  

Shining Happy People

Young Republican Mark:
i think you should change your pic on your site to that kid

You know you need more Asian friends when everyone on your buddy list thinks you look like the VTK shooter.

If his plays disturb you, you obviously don't follow Korean cinema.

I'll worry about an Asian backlash when white guys stop dating.

Let It Be Some Other 'Asian'
Sad but so true.

Where was I when I missed mine


Paper is the new vinyl.

The next issue should feature this post, so I can blog about a magazine covering my blog post on a magazine for bloggers.

Related: PostieCon blogger convention (with keynote speaker Robert Scoble).

Who the fuck is Robert Scoble?

Apparently, Rubio's (Fresh Mexican Grill) now offers its salads wrapped in tortillas, which is odd, because people order salads at burritorias specifically to avoid tortillas.

According to the promo for next week's episode (in Canada) of Degrassi: The Next Generation, Marco becomes addicted to online poker! Hee!

"This Modern Love"

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.


I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My acting can reach
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most dramatic needs
I love thee with the passion put to use
Stealing a proprietary component of a Russian nuclear device for the Chinese, against presidential orders and aware that I could incite a world war
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
Suffocating my brother with a plastic bag—I love thee with the breath,
smiles, tears, of all my life!—and, if Joel choose not to resurrect me again,
I shall but love thee better after death.

April 13-20: The worst week in the history of the world
Photoshop Phriday: Transformers

Patrick Swayze

I spent the weekend consuming the first series of Skins, which I can best describe as a British version of Degrassi for HBO. Series two begins production in June. w00t.

Ever since the closed captioning on my television mysteriously stopped working, I've had to be resourceful when using my treadmill.

The treadmill was a gift.

For a while, I planned sessions on the treadmill around college basketball games that I wanted to watch.

Now that the season's over, I try to run during reruns of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? on GSN.

I'd prefer to entertain myself with Family Feud, but without closed captioning, it's like being a contestant on The $100,000 Pyramid without any confirmation.

"Registration… Step out vehicle… Things that a cop asks you after he pulls you over?"

I saw an ad on GSN for the National Vocabulary Championship.

Who wants to watch that?

I also saw a listing for college bowling on ESPN2.

College bowling?

Stan adds:
"It wasn't just college bowling. It was women's college bowling."

The 27 Worst Family Feud Answers Ever