My aunt said something to my cousin Emily. Emily looked at me and laughed.

Ha ha?

My father's siblings all married Japanese people, so all my relatives on my father's side primarily speak Japanese with each other instead of Mandarin or Taiwanese. Family gatherings require translation both ways.

Fortunately, Emily grew up in America and speaks fluent English. I'd only seen her twice before, so we caught up.

20. Lives in Atlanta with her boyfriend and his parents. Studying to be a dentist. Camped out for a PlayStation 3. Sold it on eBay for $2,000. Spent $15,000 souping up her import car. Street races guys. Likes bowling, Counter-Strike and One Tree Hill. Doesn't like walking.

She doesn't like walking.

Emily's stepfather is a sushi chef. My mother told him that I like mackerel sushi. He offered to prepare some for me.

After lunch, we all headed to a nearby Korean supermarket.

'Twas a sight to behold — Chinks and Japs in a Gook market on Christmas Day.

My cousin Pluto (he named himself) on my mother's side visits the Bay Area this week with his five-year-old son Ethan. I haven't seen Pluto in over a decade.

Pluto's cunt wife left him and he has to commute between Shanghai and Taipei for work, so his sister Pei-Yu and her Turkish husband Nadir are adopting Ethan. Apparently, Ethan is the youngest Taiwanian ever to receive a student visa.

Last I heard, Nadir might accept a job in Calgary, which would, of course, further complicate matters.

Pei-Yu moved to America in her 30s to study forestry in Texas. Next thing I knew, she had eloped with a Turk in Wisconsin.

Conversing with Pei-Yu in English is definitely unnatural, but I don't want to exclude her husband from anything.

He is, after all, family.

Wa wa wee wa

As if Miami playing a bowl game in Idaho isn't amusing enough, check out the MPC Computers Bowl's player gift package:

• Solar powered computer/iPod backpack with logo
• Pen and pencil set
• Winter gloves and hand warmers
• Winter skull cap with logo
• Weatherproof parka with logo
• Travel tumbler/thermos with logo

Well, a solar-powered backpack and weatherproof parka could come in handy down south.

Meanwhile, Alamo Bowl participants each receive a PSP and an iPod nano.

Bowls get into Christmas spirit of gift giving []

Yu Fucked Up

Stupid, Jon! Stupid, stupid!

I discovered today that I uploaded faulty copies of our December audio mixes. A few songs are missing, corrupt or mislabeled.

I've since uploaded proper (I'm pretty sure) copies of both discs.

Apologies for my incompetence.

Download I.D.N.A.A.Y-E.M.B.T.S.I.T. disc one, version 1.2
Download I.D.N.A.A.Y-E.M.B.T.S.I.T. disc two, version 1.1

Love in the middle of a fire fight

You know your head's screwy when you dream about Friday Night Lights' move to Wednesdays.

Josh invited me to the Emerald Bowl today to see my beloved Bruins play Florida Stale. Fun fun fun. I've never been inside Telecom Company du Jour Park.

Before I depart, I wanted to share the apex of my year. This never gets old:

The McNeal interception was sweet too, but 1. Brent Musburger is no Gus Johnson and 2. achieving a comeback always trumps preventing a comeback in excitement.

While I'm at it, this is my favorite photograph of the year (even though the team blew the game):

He'll still probably be the number one draft pick.

The universe is shaped exactly like the Earth

If you've ever wondered what the dance scene in Napoleon Dynamite would look like as re-enacted by a short Canadian Jew, head over to The Click and watch "Toby Dynamite," the latest Degrassi Mini.

Speaking of Degrassi, I hear the character who's gonna die on January 26 is
J.T. Yorke, which utterly appalls me as a fan. Was Ryan Cooley caught driving under the influence? How can you kill the class clown and school mascot? Yeah, it "goes there" — waaaaay out there — considering all the characters the writers should kill (cough, Ellie).

Unrelated: The Robot Johnny Movie Quiz 2

Turn off the TV on the Radio

We didn't forget; we were just busy.

The seventh Adam Riff™ December audio pastiche runs just over 90 minutes — 80 minutes of music for digital audio player holdouts, plus 12 minutes of bonus material for the rest of us. We promise no shitty indie rock, although we can't guarantee you won't hear shitty songs from other genres.

All we ask is that you listen to the whole compilation once through. Then you can do as you please with the files.


A few notes while you wait:

1. We designed the mix for gapless playback, so try to play it back gaplessly.
2. Track 25 is a web-ripped advance. We will offer a higher-quality "patch" when one leaks.
3. An M3U file is available separately. Putting it in the download folder messes with iTunes. The folder includes a PDF copy of the cover, however.

What about teh track listing?

Continue reading »

Adam Riff™ Asian of the Year

As always, only pure Asians are eligible. No halfies (sorry, Rachel).

And the 2006 nominees are:

• Steve Chen (co-founder, YouTube)
• Yul Kwon (winner, Survivor: Cook Islands)
• Ang Lee (Academy Award winner, best director, Brokeback Mountain)
• Masi Oka (actor, Heroes)
• S.R. Sidarth ("macaca," election swinger)

Vote early and vote often.

Attack of the Clones

I've received a few messages questioning the need for a fifth American Pie film, to which I reply:

Air Bud is the proud father of five adorable puppies — the hip-hoppin' B-Dawg, lovely RoseBud, mellow Bud-Dha, dirt-loving MudBud, and the big fella Budderball — with an unbelievable secret: They can talk.

When dad and mom are dognapped, the Air Buddies must save the day.

How does any of this relates to an athletic dog? This is Homeward Bound 3!

According to Wikipedia, the next Air Bud film (number seven) will return to form, as Bud Sr. takes up Aussie Rules football.

American Pie Presents: The Naked Mile [Wikipedia]
Air Bud [Wikipedia]



The guy in the center pushed his pecs into boob territory. Wasn't he on the first Road Rules? Man, still lazy after all these years.

This cover is not very sexy. The girl on the left looks like Teri Garr. Who is she? Tonya?

Oh. The casts.

Real World, Real World, dunno, Real World

Shouldn't Ryan Starr be Mr. September?

I like how it says "Former cast members in: Battle of the Network Reality Stars."

Wait, Wes participated?

Bottom right corner spread = Lulz.

The 2007 Sexiest Men and Women of Reality TV Calendars [Reality TV Stuff]

West Coast Customs

I saw a car today with a bumper sticker that read: "Marriage = Man + Woman."

Why would anyone so publicly court ridicule?

In my life, I've yet to see a bumper sticker that enhances the image of the driver of a car. Putting a bumper sticker on your car is like drawing a dick on your own face while you're asleep.

I saw a bumper sticker recently with the word "Dad" sandwiched between two rainbow-colored stripes. Is the driver of the car a gay dad or the dad of a gay? I wondered.

I also saw a license plate frame that read "Legal Alien," which thoroughly perplexed me. Is the driver of the car a conservative being cute? A prudent Mexican? An 18-year-old extraterrestrial?

If you must use your car as a soapbox, speak clearly. I want to be able to judge you immediately.

The last toes are always the coldest to go

I don't remember when I signed up, but I'm on The Mars Volta's mailing list. Over the weekend, I received a notice for holiday gift packages.

The Mars Volta is selling holiday gift packages. Let that seep in.

All I want for Christmas is a Stabbing Naked Guy T and a Red Dancing Dwarf Button.


Anger Management

When I began my internship at the company in September, I never expected to end it by walking out.

The boss wanted to inflate page hits for the web site so he could convince other companies to pay to advertise.

He planned to do so by implementing a button game on the home page.

The concept? A button on the home page reads "do not press this button." Press the button and a pop-up window opens with another button you're not supposed to press. Press that button and the window reloads with another button you're not supposed to press. Et cetera.

I failed to see the game aspect of this button game.

The boss asked me to write "entertaining storylines" for the button game

"Storylines?" I thought.

He suggested that characters from company assets react to pressings of the button.

"Do you want the world to end on your monitor?" [click]
"I guess you do, sicko!" [click]
"Were you dropped on your head as a child? Don't touch!" [click]

"Eh…" I thought.

He had already paid a company to code posting software for the game though, so I wasn't allowed much creative flexibility.

After struggling for a bit, I decided to code my own version of a button game and present the final product to the boss in hopes of winning him over. I felt like I could connect with Internet users better than a guy who still thinks TRL and Barney the Dinosaur are relevant.

I conceived an elaborate choose your own text adventure, retaining the button constant and incorporating company assets.

Even if my game wasn't brilliant, at least it involved actual game elements.

The boss caught on to what I was doing and removed me from the project. A contentious conversation ensued in his office.

"I'm assigning the button game to someone else. You went way off course."

"All right. That's fine. Before I leave, however, I just want to know your logic behind the button game."

"Why? You're off the project."

"I want to know why you think people will keep pressing the button for no reason, because I don't think they will."

"I don't care what you think!"

"But I insist on telling you so you don't continue fostering this terrible idea! Yes, the button game is a terrible idea! Everyone else in the marketing department agrees! You don't think people will quickly realize what a futile endeavor pressing the button is? I can't imagine anyone pressing it more than twice!"

"Why didn't you tell me this beforehand?"

"Because in my time here, I've seen nothing that suggests that you're receptive to other people's ideas! I mean, you commissioned the posting software for the game without consulting anyone!"

"Professional game designers coded that software!"

"But you told them what to code!"

"Look, you're an intern. You're supposed to do what I say. It's clear to me that you failed this project and you've failed as a person."

I've failed as a person. Good one.

Needless to say, I probably won't be asking the boss for a reference.

Deaf Threats

Previously on Adam Riff™:

» I'll be at Live 105's Not So Silent Night.

The Raconteurs are surprisingly awesome live. They played a lengthy kickass cover of "Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)."

If Jack White replaced Meg with Jon Theodore, I'd follow The White Stripes around the country.

Modest Mouse ended their trademark inconsistent live show with an absolutely incredible performance of "Doin' the Cockroach." They always rock "the Cockroach" live, but this was transcendent shit. Maybe it was Johnny Marr, maybe it was the two drummers, maybe it was my contact high, but I've never heard "Doin' the Cockroach" sound so…I had to collect pieces of my head afterward.

Look at the photo of the concert you'll never attend!

Josh (who was a downer all night) complained that one absolutely incredible song can't justify a "weak" set. He also sat in the balcony for the band he allegedly came to see. I dunno, UCLA beating USC sure justified a weak football season for me.

The Shins are boring.

Signals off the air

The Killers
Modest Mouse
The Raconteurs
The Shins
Silversun Pickups
Cold Hot Crash (local)

I'll be at Live 105's Not So Silent Night on Friday, mainly for Modest Marr. I hope the undercard bands put on good live shows. I'm not too familiar with their repertoires.

I haven't attended a concert all year. Tom Waits fell through. So did Be the Riottt. The last show I attended was Doomriders in Chicago last December.

I don't understand how music enthusiasts can attend shows so frequently. They're exhausting! And set changes are excruciating! I'd much rather see a movie on any given night.

Anyhow, Bay Aryans, look for the guy in the Blink-182 hoodie.

It's ironic.


Related: the vanmega 2006 audio almanac