Whores and Marriage

Another year, another wedding. I'm gonna be a groomsman at the next one.

Family friend Crystal wed this weekend in Aptos.

Whoever arranged accommodations had me room with the groom Kyle on the eve of his wedding. Mind you, Crystal is the one I know.

When Crystal and Kyle exchanged rings, I secretly hoped hers was the One Ring, and when slipped on, she would disappear.

The reception began with a biographical video slideshow set to "Circle of Life" from The Lion King, "Remember Me This Way" by Jordan Hill and another maudlin song I can't remember. The whole thing seemed more appropriate for a funeral.

Remember you this way? I thought. You're both under 25. I'm older than both of you. The best man is 14 years old, for fuck's sake!

His toast was not very eloquent.

I think weddings should be themed, like bar mitzvahs. Of course, most couples would probably choose "love."


For $80 a person, you get tri-tip — just not cooked properly.

I asked the tender of the open bar for Coke with grenadine (or "that cherry flavor liquid," to be exact). He filled a glass 2/3 full with grenadine and the rest with Coke.

The service staff forgot to remove the wedding cake's outer fondant layer.

I understand that wedding music must appeal to people of all generations, but seeing attendees pakt like sardines on an 180 square foot dance floor, I secretly hoped the DJ would segue from "We Are Family" into some house music.

Instead, he segued into "Livin' La Vida Loca."

Worse, he played "Who Let the Dogs Out" during the garter belt ceremony.

I've always hated garter belt ceremonies. I don't see the fun in identifying yourself as a loser.


Partly Cloudy [Adam Riff™]

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