Oh God, I hope it's urine

What is the standard etiquette policy for workplace urinals?

Yellow liquid has greeted me at the sole urinal at "work" a number of times since I began "working" there at the beginning of the month.

Were the previous users trying to conserve water? I wonder. I can understand skipping flushes at home, but at work?

Perhaps they assumed the urinal would flush itself. But there's clearly no sensor attached to the urinal!

Unsolved mysteries…

Black athletes with bleached mohawks bug the hell outta me.

Do Chad Johnson and Viscera realize how stupid they look?

Related: Chad Johnson [Bleached] Mohawk Head Piece ($30 well spent)

I wonder if Matthew Lesko can help me get free money to buy his book.


Did Cory Matthews appear in a sex tape too?


The tray liner for my meal at Taco Bell detailed the personalities of various Taco Bell menu items.

While perusing the blurbs, it occurred to me that some artist was actually paid to draw a Mexican Pizza.

What are Mexican Pizzas called in Mexico?

It'd be confusing just to call them "pizzas."

From the people that brought you the blatant Grand Theft Auto rip-off Saints Row comes a World War II game titled Company of Heroes.


Has THQ no shame?

They're the new Rare.

They're Bollywood!

Fiction idea: A female amputee experiences phantom dick pain.

+ Coming Through In A Pinch
+ Colbert's 1-888-OOPS-JEW actually works
+ How many horrible messages do you think this woman has received? Hundreds? Yet, she persists and always with the same ad.

Know Buddy

School began Wednesday night.

In Technical Writing 63, each student spends the quarter creating a 30-35 page portfolio-quality user's guide, relying solely on another student's expertise in a particular field for content.

For example, in a previous TWRT 63 class, a 55-year-old woman created a beginner's guide to Resident Evil 4.

For class next week, I have to propose a subject to be a content expert for and demonstrate my expertise in the area.

Problem is, I'm a Class A dilettante. What am I gonna propose? How to blog? How to watch an obscene amount of television? Eh.

Further complicating matters, the topic must require physical manipulation, and software applications are not appropriate.

I pity the student who receives me as his or her content expert.

Mama's Family

+ Apple is gonna trademark the word "podcast"

+ Why I hate Zach Braff

+ MySpace TV Show: Project MyWorld
"DirecTV will produce an original series called Project MyWorld, which will follow three girls traveling around the world to meet their MySpace friends in real life"

+ FX picks up transsexual drama created by Nip/Tuck creator Ryan Murphy and produced by Brad Pitt
"traces the life of a transsexual sportswriter father of two teenage boys"

+ Meet the World
"We started to research global facts and came up with the idea to put new meanings to the colours of the flags"

+ 10 Highly Pretentious Musical Instruments

+ How to promote a (very crappy) movie (that has Dane Cook and Jessica Simpson in it)

Demonic Mnemonics

The [Arizona Cardinals'] heralded new football stadium in Glendale will be rechristened University of Phoenix Stadium. [source]

So they go from playing in Arizona State University's stadium to playing in University of Phoenix Stadium. In Glendale.

You can't script this shit.

The Cardinals sold the naming rights to a freakin' degree mill!

At least Whataburger Field isn't home to a major sports team…

"Work" Document 3
I wanted to share the (untampered with) sidebar I compiled. Ignore the (tampered with) review I edited.

European Goldfinch

The Trailer Park Boys movie opens next Friday in Canada. I'm flying to Detroit and crossing the border just to see it on opening weekend. I'll probably come to regret doing so, but I've survived poorer decisions. Like majoring in English

In addition to Rush, The Tragically Hip, Alexisonfire and other Canadian bands, the soundtrack for the Trailer Park Boys movie features songs recorded by its characters.

Speak of the devil…

Bubbles and the Shit Rockers (Alex Lifeson of Rush and Tom Wilson of Blackie and the Rodeo Kings)
"Liquor and Whores"

"Trailer Park Life"
samples…Our Lady Peace?

On Saturday, Kiefer Sutherland will hold a public Q&A session in San Francisco. The catch? It's after a screening of a documentary about the band he manages, or managed. Not exactly 24

The Simpsons' 400th episode, due to air next May, is a spoof of 24 titled "24 Minutes." Kiefer Sutherland and Mary Lynn Rajskub will guest voice as Jack Bauer and Chloe O'Brian, respectively. [source]

Simple Plan already did it!

I saw a man buying a pumpkin today. A little early for that, no?

I want one of Subway's high-speed toasting ovens for Christmas.

+ Alien Loves Predator
+ Jackie Chan's porno past
+ Madden's former cover victims
+ Uwe Boll Pushing Lowtax's Face In

I'd love to lick a lemon lollipop in Lillehammer

I'm worried about my father. He's addicted to the World Series of Poker. New episodes, reruns — all he ever does anymore in his free time is watch the World Series of Poker. ESPN isn't helping matters by airing the shit 'round the clock.

Is it that interesting? I wonder.

When my brother was little, I somehow convinced him that his favorite movie was Batman Forever. For months, he watched nothing but Batman Forever for entertainment.

I should ask him how he weaned himself off

Food Network just awarded someone $10,000 for building the Baltimore skyline out of cereal.

Depressing thought: Films starring Ashton Kutcher could hold the one and two spots of this coming weekend's box office.

A new survey shows a rise in American refrigerators that support our troops.

+ Dwight Schrute's Playlist: Twelve Songs That Inspire and Motivate Me
+ Things Adult Swim is hyped about
+ How you play Spider-Man using the Nintendo Wii
+ John Rocker starts a "Speak English" campaign

Waiting for a Bus

Guh. If I had only left the apartment a minute earlier, I could've caught that bus and arrived by now. But nooooo! You just had to see who won the Showcase Showdown, didn't you, Jon? [sigh] "Every 20 minutes," my ass! [checks watch] This would never happen in Japan. I bet some cripples delayed the bus. Why can't CTA have special buses for cripples? Instead of an express bus, a slow bus. No, a "mentally-challenged" bus. Better yet, force 'em all to ride trains, preferably to Birkenau. [pause] I can't hear this song amid all this traffic. Plug your fuckin' guitar in, Sam Beam! Oh here we go. London London London…is that? Finally! Figures, two buses in a row — always the case. Am I gonna fit in either one? [sigh] Glad I brought Purell…

+ French and German remakes of BBC's Office
+ Out of fucking nowhere, it's David Hasselhoff!!!

Like a breath of fresh whore

The Crocodile Hunter's [funeral] service on Tuesday is likely to be made available on DVD. [source]

1. Who would waste their money on a copy of Steve Irwin's funeral service?
2. Who would want to relive a funeral service to begin with?

[WWE Superstar] Carlito is going to Australia in early October to be a presenter on the Nickelodeon Australian Kids Choice Awards. [source]

1. Are Australian kids so insecure that they need their own utterly meaningless awards show?
2. I wonder who will win "Fave Podcast."

A survey reveals that five percent of 18- to 64-year-olds think they are receiving HD Radio from at least one of the FM stations they listen to, but have not actually purchased an HD receiver. [source]

1. [sigh]

About the new Jay-Z album [source]:

1. Jay named the album after the DC Comics graphic novel Kingdom Come.
2. One song was inspired by a Basquiat painting.
3. Another track is a collaboration with Dr. Dre and Coldplay's Chris Martin.

i. Jigga what?
ii. DC Comics? Basquiat? Chris freakin' Martin?

1. The other day I saw The Grates…
2. Investigating Lunchables' Alarming New Desire To Mess With My Mouth
3. Ladies, please stop with the tats
4. Deal or No Deal: The Home PC Game
"A special customization mode allows for family-friendly prizes in the briefcases instead of money. Examples include 'make my bed' or 'wash the car.'"

Parallel Synchronized Randomness

Spike Jonze already did it

Saw The Science of Sleep in the city yesterday.

Given that up until now, Michel Gondry has only directed films that were either A. written by Charlie Kaufman or B. documentaries, I was wary of him directing his own screenplay, and my wariness was confirmed.

Gondry's latest is visually interesting and frequently amusing but doesn't tell much of a story.

Moreover, what story exists is essentially a variation on Degrassi's "Craig is bi-polar" arc, which was similarly unpleasant to watch.

That said, I'm eagerly anticipating Gondry's next writing/directing project.

Related: Charlie Kaufman will direct his next screenplay, Synecdoche, New York.

On our way to the theatre, a woman walked past Josh and I wearing a t-shirt that read: "Department of Erections."

I'd like to believe it was a gift.

In Queso Emergency

Ick. Yellow cheese on fried chicken?

I suppose it was only a matter of time before Taco Bell passed the idea to sister chain KFC.

I used to work in restaurant marketing, and one of our clients was Taco Bell.

One day, a food service representative delivered materials for a Taco Bell nachos photo shoot.

If you think Taco Bell's nacho cheese looks nasty on its food, picture a throw-pillow-sized bag of it sitting on your desk.

I wanted to hide it in a piñata.

+ McGriddle Fan Fiction

Parents just don't understand

On the same day Jackass: Number Two opens in America, Dirty Sanchez: The Movie opens in the United Kingdom. Dirty Sanchez is MTV's British counterpart to Jackass.

Last week, I noted how unreal Jackass: Number Two sounded.

Well, Dirty Sanchez: The Movie sounds even more unreal:

+ The BBFC recommended that a sequence featuring a man sucking excrement from the anus of a live rabbit would need to be removed before the film could be classified "18."

+ Pritch gets an "I Love Dainton" tattoo on his penis.

+ They place their foreskins on a frosty pole which in turn get stuck to the pole.

+ The boys moon the Kremlin and imitate the Kremlin guards which gets them arrested.

+ Panch gets his tongue stapled to a book.

+ They superglue Pancho's nostrils shut while he sleeps.

+ Panch is taken to a liposuction clinic, where the contents of his stomach are sucked through a hose into a jar. The loser of a later challenge, Joyce has to down a shot of it.

+ Pritchard chops off the end of his little finger using a cigar cutter. Joyce then eats it.

I repeat, he eats part of his buddy's finger.

Any sequel would have to be a snuff film.

The green light at the end of Daisy's dock

"So what college do you attend?"
"Um…heh. I graduated already."

McKern protests that at my age, I should be getting paid for work.

I'm too much of a fuck-up, however, to land a real job. At this point, I'll take what I can get, and what I got was an internship blogging for a video game company.

Yes, I'm almost 24 and I spent the week crafting lines about Bomberman for "experience." I'd be lying though if I said I didn't genuinely enjoy the work.

My first two articles:
+ Get to know your seven deadly sins
+ Bomberman PSP vs. Bomberman Act: Zero

To my dismay, they've been tampered with, but I'm not gonna fight the changes. Circumventing editors is the whole reason my career is where it is right now.

I'm throwing a party for my 24th birthday. Everyone's invited.


I can't get over the fact that I'm older than these chumps.

+ Jon Stewart's Hilarious Look at the Use of the Question Mark