Chi-Mos are real rock and roll

Quote of the week:

He looks like he's made of tribal tattoos.

— J-Ram on Michael Bay's variation on Megatron

King Dork by Frank Portman

Hey, I'm reading books again!

This bildungsroman with a Catcher in the Rye conceit didn't quite live up to its literary buzz for me.

The ending is particularly awkward.

Nice to see Portman write something other than Mr. T Experience songs though.

I caught a commercial for Firestorm: Last Stand at Yellowstone, presumably a made-for-television disaster movie involving a massive fire.

I couldn't help but laugh when I heard a character say, "It could burn clear across to the Pacific Ocean!"

That would be even more incredible than Sherman's March to the Sea.

Pop singer P!nk collaborated with NBC Sports to create the opening song for "NBC Sunday Night Football."

The song is set to the Joan Jett song, "I Hate Myself for Loving You," with new lyrics. [source]

Because nothing screams "football" like feminists.

Sing along!

All right Sunday Night where are you?
Just kicking back from the things that you do
You want the Big Game, we want it too!

Hey Jack it's a fact, the best show in town,
Sunday Night Football we ain't messing around
Al and John will make you crank up the sound

The NFL's best have come to play
For every fan there's just one thing left to say, ay, ay, ay

I've been waiting all day for Sunday Night
The tough get rough in a primetime fight
The last one standing gets to turn out the lights
Cause I been waiting all day for Sunday Night

Sunday Night Football on NBC
The only game that you have to see
Don't need a ticket, all you need's a TV
Cause the NFL rocks on NBC

"Al and John will make you crank up the sound." Crumbelievable…

Fall Out Boy, Panic! at the Disco, Marilyn Manson, Fiona Apple and She Wants Revenge will all appear on a special two-disc edition of the "Nightmare [Before Christmas]" soundtrack, contributing cover versions of songs featured in the film. [source]

As if chubby teenage girls needed any more reason to faun over the film.

Am I only one bored comatose by it?

+ Eviscerate Zombies As Megaman
+ Mike Patton Hates Wolfmother
+ DJ Jazzy Jeff and Fresh Prince – Girls Ain't Nothin But Trouble (Dirty Version)

Tits, Back Rubs and Dry Cleaning

In Chicago, whenever we ordered pizza, Jord would order cheesy bread as an appetizer…for cheesy bread.

"That's like eating donut holes before eating donuts," I would remark to myself.

The DVD box set for the second season of Lost is subtitled "The Extended Experience."

Evidently, extending the episodes past their time slot wasn't enough.

The box set also allows fans to follow the creation of a Lost episode from start to finish. Too bad it's the worst Lost episode ever.

On a sidenote, I've concluded that Entourage is the Lost of sitcoms.

Orange on blue = eh. Blue on orange = NO.

I still don't understand why House is sitting on a bench in the DVD box art for season one. Never mind that the bench is clearly Photoshopped in, hospitals, to my knowledge, don't have backless indoor benches!

As for the box art for season two, I can't figure out what the heck House is sitting on.

Methinks superimposing the housewives on a bed of apples is overkill.
Nicolette Sheridan should change her name to "Stanley."

You might be a redneck if your eBay listing for "You Might Be a Redneck If…" stickers reads:

+ Taller people are smarter – study
+ Agassi vs. Pavel vs. Agassi vs. Pavel
+ "The Daily Show" to tape in Ohio for Midterm elections

Breaking Kayfabe

Game time!

Is it a premiering network television series or a wrestling moniker?

01. Trinity
02. Jericho
03. The Knights of Prosperity
04. Heroes
05. The Legion of Doom
06. Smith
07. Raven
08. Pretty Mean Sisters
09. Men in Trees
10. Evolution
11. Justice
12. Strike Force
13. The Class
14. The MIA
15. The Game
16. The Nine
17. The Brood
18. The Varsity Club
19. Shark
20. Runaway
21. Sandman
22. Ugly Betty

answers: 1. WM | 2. both | 3. TV | 4. TV | 5. WM | 6. TV | 7. WM | 8. WM | 9. TV | 10. WM | 11. both | 12. WM | 13. TV | 14. WM
15. both | 16. TV | 17. WM | 18. WM | 19. TV | 20. TV | 21. WM | 22. TV

Another senseless week with crowded thoughts and crooked teeth

The official web site for Trailer Park Boys: The Movie uploaded a larger (albeit Flash) version of the trailer.

Apparently, Alex Lifeson and Geddy Lee of Rush are recording a song for the soundtrack.

Meanwhile, the seventh season of Trailer Park Boys is currently in production.

The Forest Hills recreation facility is disguised as a civic centre in Bangor, Maine, complete with American flags, and the boys are gearing up for a model train convention hosted by hard rock icon Sebastian Bach. [source]


The Mamas and Papas founder Denny Doherty will also guest star in an episode.

What are the odds that black people on stage outnumber black people in the audience at a TV on the Radio concert?

While waiting for overpriced sushi to arrive Saturday night, I caught a bit of the Little League World Series on the restaurant's plasma television.

ESPN included a piece of trivia in the flash profiles for each batter.

For example, Japanese player Go Matsumoto's favorite food is sushi.

Oh jeez, I thought.

Go struck out, and another Japanese player stepped up to bat.

"Favorite food: rice."


I expected to read shit about tacos and burritos for the Mexican batters, but ESPN switched up the trivia.

A Mexican player's favorite athlete is Ronaldinho? No way!

Wrestler Jimmy Yang's new gimmick is that he's an Asian redneck.

It's tough not to cringe during his introductory promo.

Now that everybody must remove their shoes at airport security checkpoints, they're perfect locations for spilling scorpions.

I was driving on Highway 101 behind a truck with a ladder on top and secretly hoped the ladder would break loose and impale me so I could finally end my search for a job.

+ Bedtime Stories by Thom Yorke
+ Snakes on a Sudoku ("Official Snakes on a Plane Puzzle Book")

On the waning days of my existence

Dear animals at the Lincoln Park Zoo:

What's up with the rock star attitudes, turning your backs on me and/or retreating out of sight?

I'm not a paparazzo!

Okay, I kind of am, but I didn't pay to be snubbed!

Okay, admission was free, but…


What I'm trying to say is that y'all live in a zoo. Start acting like exhibits!

I saw a box for American flag recycling in the lobby of the local library branch.

Considering that letting an American flag merely touch the ground is blasphemous, who would even contemplate recycling one? Certainly not the type of people who'd buy an American flag to begin with.

I looked inside the box. Two dirty but neatly folded flags sat at the bottom.


If I completed Marine Corps training, I'd put a sticker on the back of my car too.

+ Centennial Society
+ I wrote two years ago about some crappy lyrics from MCA [Beastie Boys]. I recently discovered one more.

Patriot Games

Fresh off his turn as one of Lex Luthor's henchmen in Superman Returns, Kal Penn will play "a guy who might be the key to a terrorist plot" in the sixth season of 24.

Bauer and Kumar!

Next, producers should cast Richard Lewis as director of CTU just so he can exclaim, "I have a MOLE?"

+ Three Horrible American Consumable Products

Inquiring Minds

Craigslist is amazing.

I could offer genital herpes and probably still receive 25 replies within an hour.

Of course, Craigslist doesn't screen users, so questionable e-mails inevitably plague your inbox.

Shall we?


i want it all xxx xxx xxxx call asap  thanx renaldo


My ad didn't mention my name.

Is "renaldo" the new "whom it may concern"?

I was wondering if you still had the bed and the dresser still available? They are for my brother who has Downs Syndrome.

i am a newly single mom, my job doesn't start till next month, and my 12 year son has no furniture in his little room, sleeping on a painfully old hideabed.

I have become the foster Mom to three brothers and am trying desperately to gather some items for their new room.

Cry me a river.

We could take also take the bookcase and dresser for future use as we plan to buy a house in the next couple years. We have unlimited storage space right now but only a two bedroom apartment to live in.


We are ready to adopt a baby! If you know of an expectant mother who is looking for a loving adoptive family, please tell her about us!
Mark & Heather

Somebody grab a Smarte Carte; this woman's got baggage…

Hi, Has the bed been taken? Thanks

Christian. Metal.

clowns321 <>

I stopped reading right there.

ME <>


That was the whole e-mail. "ME" NEEED DRESSER.

To think, White Sox fans are supposed to be the uncouth ones.

I was interested in the Door. Please let me know if it is still available and a number where I can reach you. Thank you!

The headline for my ad read: "Free twin bedframe, desk, bookcase and drawer dresser."

Because he asked though, I showed him the door.

Snakes on crack

1. An Indian man noticed the unusually long line and approached me.

"What's the movie about?"


2. It may look stupid, but so did Cars, and that shit grossed over $200 million.

3. I perused the TSA's list of permitted and prohibited items before my flight to Chicago today.

not permitted in carry-on baggage
Meat Cleavers
Paint Thinner
Fire extinguishers
Cheese in pressurized containers
Whipped cream

permitted in carry-on baggage
Gel-filled bras

4. "PSP Greatest Hits" — oxymoron?

5. In all the media coverage of Superman Returns, I don't recall ever hearing or reading that Kate Bosworth played Kevin Spacey's love interest in Beyond the Sea.

6. Things that make you go "hmmm…": Hearing a Thursday song in a Saturn car commercial.

7. Black Eyes Peas – "Gone Going (feat. Jack Johnson)"
Way better than that Jurassic 5 / Dave Matthews Band crap.

8. Costco food courts are so poorly designed. Yes, place 'em next to the exit and neglect space for shopping carts.

9. I never thought I'd miss "Spies and Saboteurs."

+ Retarded
+ ROFL Brothel
+ Innocence Lost…Or Taken By Meijer
+ An unusually moronic movie trivia slide show
+ A message from Ronen, the Chinaman in the black pajamas

Reptile Dysfunction

In anticipation of you know what, this week, we salute our favorite snakes.

The fifth and final: Jake "The Snake" Roberts

Jake "The Snake" Roberts was a World Wrestling Federation superstar in the 80s. After the Honky Tonk Man injured Jake's neck with a guitar at WrestleMania III, Jake began using painkillers and wound up addicted to crack.

In the 2000 documentary Beyond the Mat, a wrestling promoter says Jake demands crack before doing a show. Jake later smokes crack on camera.

Among Jake's more auspicious achievements:
— he invented the DDT maneuver (by accident)
— he directly inspired the term "Austin 3:16"
— he guest starred on an episode of Boy Meets World

In his heyday, Jake would bring a python named "Damien" to ringside in a canvas bag. After executing his finisher, he would dump Damien on his opponent's body.

In 1991, Earthquake "squashed" Damien and used the snake's carcass to make "Quakeburgers," which he fed to Lord Alfred Hayes.

Jake subsequently descended into alcoholism. Coincidence?

In March 2005, Jake (as David Crosby) appeared on WWE television for the first time in eight years to have his legend killed by Randy Orton.

Snake Plissken
Snake Man
Archie "Snake" Simpson
"Snake Charmer"

Killing an Arab

On his summer vacation in Crawford, Texas, George Bush read Albert Camus' novel The Stranger.

White House spokesman Tony Snow said Bush "found it an interesting book and a quick read" and talked about it with aides. "I don't want to go too deep into it, but we discussed the origins of existentialism," said Snow. [source]

"Let me get this straight, T. Instead of God and liberals, I'm responsible for my actions? Get me another mojito, Maria."

Bush just recently discovered The Stranger, and I'm the one Yale rejected.

Perhaps on his next vacation (…next week), he can read "Bartleby the Scrivener." It's even shorter than The Stranger!

I was tempted to say The Crying of Lot 49, but, like the Bush administration, the book never really delivers all it promises.

Scarborough: "Is Bush An 'Idiot'?"
"when we see 'how history judges' Bush, we have video evidence for the jury"

Reptile Dysfunction

In anticipation of you know what, this week, we salute our favorite snakes.

Today: Archie "Snake" Simpson

I missed the first wave of Degrassi completely, so I shall defer to AJ:

"In the early days of Degrassi Junior High, Snake was a metal head! (he even wore vintage Iron Maiden t-shirts). The lead guitarist of The Zit Remedy, Snake wailed and played his heart out for the band."

"In Degrassi High, Snake was best known for discovering the suicidal corpse of Claude. After skipping out on class to take a relaxing leak, Snake enters the bathroom..notices blood all over the floor and calls out to the stall; 'hey buddy are you all right?' NOPE the person inside was not all right.. needless to say Snake suffers emotional trauma, and skips school for an entire week."

In the second wave of Degrassi, Snake teaches "media immersion" to the same students every year. Thus far, he's had a new laptop stolen while battling leukemia, and he's succumbed to a mid-life crisis, kissing the school principal in front of his stepdaughter after seeing a Kevin Smith movie.

They shared an interest in motorcycles.

The sixth season of Degrassi: The Next Generation premieres (a month before Canada!) September 29 on The N.

Taking Back Sunday will guest star in Craig's episodes.

Snake Plissken
Snake Man