Entertainment Weakly

the five worst actors on cable television

5. Robert Iler ("A.J. Soprano," The Sopranos)
His acting's gotten better with age, but he should probably enjoy the role while it lasts.

4. Barbie Blank ("Kelly Kelly," ECW)
Her graceless stripteases week after week make me long for Mae Young.

3. Dylan and Cole Sprouse
("Zack and Cody Martin," The Suite Life of Zack and Cody)

Without its laugh track, The Suite Life of Zack and Cody would be unwatchable. They're lucky Disney Channel viewers aren't very discriminating.

2. Adrian Grenier ("Vincent Chase," Entourage)

One of these things is not like the others…

Many people think Kevin Connolly ("E.") can't act either. Compared to Grenier though, he's Lee fuckin' Strasberg.

1. Daniel Clark ("Sean Cameron," Degrassi: The Next Generation)
Daniel Clark is Canada's answer to Adrian Grenier. His delivery never feels natural. Shane Kippel ("Spinner") suffers the same affliction (in an unidentifiable accent, no less!) but compensates with actual charisma and method pouting.

The episode "Back in Black" is Clark's tour de force.

If you only have a minute, fast forward to 12:34.

+ It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Paddy's Irish Pub shirts

Barely Listening

Buried amid all the guest star news for the fourth season of Nip/Tuck (Jacqueline Bisset, Catherine Deneuve, Rosie O'Donnell, Brooke Shields, Kathleen Turner) is this little tidbit:

Christian finds time to frolic in a shower with Saved by the Bell's Mario Lopez. [source]

AC/DC Slater, eh?


I walked past the living room. My father lay sluggishly on the couch absorbing a shopping network. The man on screen was hawking a $250 watch.

As I grabbed a bottle of water from the kitchen fridge, I heard my father order something over the phone.


I heard my father yelling in the living room and ran in to investigate.

Turns out he was yelling at the television, at an episode of Wheel of Fortune.

I found my senior thesis from high school, a 10-page research paper comparing myself to Jack Kerouac.

What the fuck was I thinking?

Youthful indiscretions…

I received 100/100 though.

+ backstage at the miss universe pageant

Phony Fader

Final Fu is a reality competition that pits fighters from various martial arts disciplines against each other in physical challenges and semi-contact point fighting.

Whoever has the most points at the end is the….."Final Fu."

The host of the show (and referee of its pathetic fights) is none other than Ernie Reyes Jr.

Growing up, Ernie was a minor local celebrity because he played Keno in The Secret of the Ooze.

He now joins Dave Mirra (The Inferno), Katie Lee Joel (Top Chef) and Laird Macintosh (Treasure Hunters) on the list of awkward reality television hosts.

MTV2 shoulda hired the dude who plays the chairman on Iron Chef America to host. Can't say he lacks personality… Plus, he's a martial artist!

{image of Christopher Walken as villainous Chinaman in ping pong comedy}

Two films that generated major martial arts buzz in the past year were Tom Yum Goong, which opens in American theatres on August 25 as The Protector, and Sha Po Lang, which will be released directly to DVD in September as…..Kill Zone.

The fight scene in SPL Kill Zone between Donnie Yen (Iron Monkey) and rising "fu" Wu Jing is all kinds of awesome:

The two reportedly improvised most of this.

Junk Food

I was so bored in class today, I escaped to the SkyMall catalog web site.

Notable findings:

faux artichokes in a box
"Effortlessly elegant and definitely 'now.'"

hawaiian shirt rug
That's the ugliest Hawaiian shirt I've ever seen.

glow-in-the-dark tree faces

poshair sleeping bag
It may be comfortable, but it looks ridiculous.

giant lighter
Where were these during the filming of Withnail and I?

remote controlled shark

robotic velociraptor

butter dispenser
"From my kitchen to yours, y'all!"

Sadly, class ended before I could browse The Sharper Image, the worldwide leader in useless crap.

I've been mocking its personal cooling system for years now.

The Price Is Right should assemble a showcase containing only SkyMall products to fuck with contestants.

"Rock the beach in style with your very own…REMOTE CONTROLLED SHARK!"

+ Hot Chicks with Douchebags
+ Old Negro Space Program
+ Mike Toole

My salsa breaks strong blue corn chips

Sweltering heat, proposal due in 12 hours — perfect time for a power-out.

My block was the only one in the area affected.

Couldn't properly finish the proposal, couldn't sleep because of the heat.

[sigh] I'm so electricity's bitch.


Who the hell buys candles that smell like a sugar cookie? The scent is very distracting! Especially when you're trying to write.

My assignment for class today? Write a cover letter.

Oi… I hope the professor grades on a curve.

Chris Cornell has written and recorded the theme song to Casino Royale, the newest James Bond flick. [source]

The Broccoli family sure knows how to pick 'em. a-ha, Garbage, Chris freakin' Cornell…

Second year of university, the only song my roommate ever played through his computer speakers was Cornell's "Preaching the End of the World." Fortunately for him, I'm passive-aggressive.

One of my father's friend's daughters is getting married in October.

She doesn't want a priest officiating her wedding, so my brother offered to officiate as a Deputy Marriage Commissioner.

To do so, however, you must be at least 18 years old. He's only 16.

Now the bride's parents are asking ME to solemnize their daughter's marriage.

"Request an appointment as a Deputy Marriage Commissioner for a Day!"

Watching Jon Yu officiate his or her child's wedding — that's gotta be every parent's worst nightmare.

Soon I'll need my toes to count the number of white guy / Asian girl weddings I've attended.

Kiefer Sutherland, Natalie Portman, Michael Imperioli, Joe Pantoliano and The White Stripes to guest voice next season on The Simpsons
"Other upcoming guest voices include famed authors Tom Wolfe, Gore Vidal, Michael Chabon and Jonathan Franzen."

It is maddening when the court lets guilty criminals go free

Blah blah blah Ninja Turtles trailer blah.

Oooh… Tough call.

I should note that most homes in Seattle don't have air conditioning.

I saw Spun at the Neptune.

How would you rather drive home at night: with high beams on or without headlights on?

That was the question I struggled with Saturday night. I somehow turned my car's high beams on and couldn't figure out how to switch back to regular headlights.

After a while, it seemed like every car in sight was flashing lights at me.

embarrassing ways to die:
1. heat
2. airbag

I heard a song on KMEL I wanted to discuss but can't for the life of me locate its artist and title. Just know that it earnestly repeats the line "your love is like cocaine" multiple times.

Silly hip-hop artists…

Speaking of UM [Miami] hoops, we hear Canes folks are steamed that other schools — including one in the ACC — have been negative-recruiting against them, pointing out low crowds at the Convocation Center.

Determined to change that, coach Frank Haith says UM is hiring a marketing firm to create more of an ACC-type atmosphere at home games. [source]

Might I suggest the firm that handles the Cubs?

If bribing couldn't increase attendance though, I'm not sure anything besides winning will. Shoulda thought about that before joining the freakin' ACC!

+ Thomas Pynchon's first novel in nearly a decade is coming out in December
Do you have tickets for THIS, Alex Smith? HUH?

+ Ducktown
For you, Al.

+ Words of wisdom from JBL
On whether or not Batista giving up the title due to injury was the right thing to do: "Right thing, my pigeon toed ass! You think that's admirable? CUT AND RUN! You sound like Nancy Pelosi."

We should make out to Pavement

News and notes to cap a slow week:

In the film Hounddog, 12-year-old Dakota Fanning will be raped in one scene and appear naked or clad only in "underpants" in several others.
"Fanning's mother and her agent see the movie as a possible Oscar vehicle for the pint-size star."

Well, we know she can scream

I saw a white Subaru today with an O'Reilly Factor license plate frame. First time I've actually seen O'Reilly merchandise in public.

The driver of the car refused to let me merge onto 85.

Method Man on playing the Bamboozle Festival ("two days of absolutely nothing but emo bands"):

These new hair bands. You see these fucking fags? Man, these dudes walking around with the eyeliner, the blush, the gloss, the hair. [source]

I wonder how much Interscope is paying Live 105 to play the new Audioslave single like every 30 minutes.

Tom Morello needs to learn some new guitar tricks.

Wolfmother's "Joker and the Thief" will be the featured music video and single from the soundtrack to Jackass: Number Two.
"Johnny Knoxville, Bam Margera, Wee Man, Preston Lacy and Dave England will join [the band] in Australia this week to film the video."

I watched the pilot for NBC's Heroes. Awkward use of Bright Eyes' "Road to Joy" aside, I see potential. I also see a potential time conflict when 24 returns in January.

"You don't have TiVo?"

People act all shocked when I tell them I don't own a DVR.

I don't use Netflix and I don't receive HBO either.

+ Stem Cell Brownback
+ And the bunnies did a happy little dance. Until…

The Pointless Pursuit of Publication

Did you know that Lexus has a magazine?

It's filled with general interest articles too, like an airline magazine.

From the editor's letter in the Quarter Three 2006 issue:

Driving, like parenthood, is all about navigation. And this issue of Lexus magazine provides direction — whether, like Wendy Marston, you're shepherding baby puffins who've flown off course on a tiny volcanic island in Iceland, or, like John Rettie, you're eluding traffic on a Los Angeles freeway in the soon-to-be-available 2007 LS, whose optional XM NavTraffic™ system can feed you real-time traffic conditions before they even hit the radio.

To quote my father: "Crassy…"


My Carcinogeneration

An alleged 24 insider posted the following on a message board I frequent:

So I had a peek at a small portion of the first [sixth season] eps. script.

First eps is 6am to 7am. Buchanan is negotiating with 'Fayed' to get info on 'Assad'. Fayed trades info for custody of Jack. When he gets Jack he proceeds to torture him for what Jack had done to his brother.

Fayed 'admires the Chinese handiwork', the many scars on Jack's torso, and his burned and scarred hands.

Turns out 'Assad' is actually a good guy and 'Fayed' made it look like he was a baddie so CTU would kill him. He tells this to Jack before he kills him, then steps out to take a call. Big mistake.

Jack attacks the lone guard by biting his throat open.


I suppose that's one way to top last season's thighs of doom.

If Bauer's gonna bite someone's neck though, sometime during the season, he's gotta ask: "What, you don't like rice? Tell me, how could a billion Chinese people be wrong?"

Fox will premiere a dramedy this fall called Standoff, about a workplace relationship in the FBI's Crisis Negotiation Unit (CNU).

Yup, CNU.

I've never particularly enjoyed entertainment involving negotiators. Talking is just not very compelling heroism. Negotiations never end well either, further deflating a negotiator's heroics.

What was GSN thinking when it filled its primetime schedule with repeats of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?, Greed and The Weakest Link?

Trivia shows died out for a reason.

+ "Great film criticism has been devoured by its ugly kid sister, the film review…"
+ odd choices for tattoos
+ uhhhhhhhhhhhh…

We can be heroes

Previously on Adam Riff™: I registered for two summer courses in technical writing at a local community college.

Week one of TWRT 62:

July 3
Class begins.

July 5
Michelle joins the class. We group together with Kyle XX and work on a memo and press release due the following class. We plan to finish the press release over the weekend via e-mail.

July 6
I send Michelle a draft of the press release for review.

July 10
Michelle sends feedback five hours before class.

"P.S. Could someone print this out and bring it? I'm working out of a Starbucks right now and won't have printer access for the day."

I never hear from her again.

Fortunately, I had already finalized the press release on my own.

Week two of TWRT 62:

July 10
Charles joins the class. Mrs. Conklin replaces Michelle with Charles, who is also in my TWRT 61 class.

July 12
I catch Charles exiting the classroom before class. I enter to hear Mrs. Conklin chatting with Cindy about selling his reader. He never returns.

July 13
As TWRT 61 adjourns, Charles asks me what we did in class yesterday.

Week three of TWRT 62:

July 17
Mrs. Conklin replaces Charles with Clare.

I don't blame Michelle and Charles for dropping TWRT 62 after attending one class. I'd drop too if I wasn't so stubborn.

I just wish I knew why both of them feigned enrollment to me after clearly indicating they had dropped.

Feel Gutt Inc.

Steve Guttenberg:

I'm doing something, it's actually called "Jew Fever." It's this kind of a cool Hallmark show. It's about this family, you know. They live in Ohio and they're farmers and pretty conservative, pretty right wing and this Jew comes in, actually comes in from space.

He lands in their backyard, and they run out there and they pop open this egg, and this little Jew jumps out.

I grow up and you see me doing incredible things like reading the Torah really fast and kissing the mezuzah like a thousand times, stuff like that. And he works in the yeshiva and puts out a yeshiva newsletter. [source]

Sure this isn't The Joe Lieberman Story?

Cinema Inferno


Public interest be damned. Nothing's gonna stop 20th Century Fox from greenlighting sequels.

Why try harder when you can try again, right?

Transporter 2
Star Wars: Episode III
Cheaper by the Dozen 2

Big Momma's House 2
Ice Age 2
X-Men 3
Garfield 2

This past week, Fox announced its recycled offerings for 2007:

The Hills Have Eyes II (Mar 2)
28 Weeks Later (May 11)
Fantastic Four and the Silver Surfer (Jun 15)
Alien vs. Predator 2 (Aug 10)

Don't ask and you shall receive! I can't wait to buy the unrated DVD versions with no appreciable difference.

Synopsis for the sequel to 28 Days Later:

A handful of survivors begin their attempts to salvage a future, little realizing that the deadly virus is not the only thing that threatens them.


The other "thing"? Israel.

Leave it to MGM, however, to issue 2007's most unnecessary sequel:

Bean 2.

Nostalgia sells, yes, but who's nostalgic for Mr. Bean?

Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles comes to mind.

+ The Legend of Zelda for TI-83 graphic calculators