There is no sheep

Attended the Los Angeles premiere of A Scanner Darkly on Thursday. Saw Roman Coppola. Sat across the aisle from Keanu.

An entertainer whose name I cannot mention due to a non-disclosure agreement threw a hissy fit when his personal assistant, a member of our party, attempted to leave work despite ample notice, delaying our trek to the screening venue for about 30 minutes.

Once in the car, [name withheld] continued fuming at [name withheld] over the phone. She called him a few unprintable words and threatened to quit and expose his "cerebral abnormalities."

He apologized meekly before hanging up.

The life of a PA…


Steven and I joke a lot about the existence of gay retards, and I remained skeptical until Tuesday on a bus to Hollywood.

Picture an overweight Woody Allen with grandpa glasses, orange earplugs, mismatched socks and balding hair clumped together by plastic, neon-colored jaw clips.

He smiled at random Mexicans for uncomfortable intervals of time and emitted a pterodactyl noise as his stop neared.

We both unboarded at Fairfax, after which I watched him don a white bucket hat with a turquoise floral print and jay-run across a street in a fey, feminine gait, hands held limply in the air.

Crazy topless lady is no longer the strangest bus passenger I've encountered in Los Angeles.

This Celluloid Dream

I'm heading down to Los Angeles today for the Los Angeles Film Festival. It's not Bonnaroo, but it's air-conditioned. I've scheduled 10 film screenings over the next six days with the possibility of two or three more.

A few Telcoboxers, Rory and I are seeing Superman Returns at Grauman's Chinese in Hollywood on Friday at 7:15 pm. Feel free to join us.

Also: I want to go to Boston in August, partly for a Sox game and SummerSlam, and partly to finally clinch a Southwest Rapid Reward. Anyone willing to let me crash at their place?

I don't wipe my ass with my hand, if that's a concern.

The Second Stanza of the Tony Danza Tap Dance Extravaganza

Jay Mariotti:

One incident involved [Ozzie] Guillen himself on a night in Baltimore when he stood naked behind me in the clubhouse and — how do I put this? — pretended to have sex with me. [source]

Is it wrong that I'm amused?

While waiting to get my hair cut, I flipped through a "best of Silicon Valley" feature in the June issue of San Jose magazine.

Apparently, the best bookstore in all of Silicon Valley is…Barnes and Noble.

On the way home, I saw a minivan with a decal on its back window that read: "powered by Jesus."

Gee, golly, I thought. Screw hybrids!

I really need a digital camera to document my observations.

ABC News juxtaposed pre- and post-bloat images of several male actors.

Vince Vaughn and Jon Favreau are their very own obesity epidemic.

Missing from the gallery? Mark Hamill.

Is there a film cast that has aged less gracefully than the cast of Star Wars?

Carrie Fisher looks like Jerri Blank, and Harrison Ford could swap roles with Sean Connery in Indiana Jones 4.

In theory, a Philadelphia Roll (salmon + cream cheese + rice + nori) should be delicious.

Salmon and cream cheese taste good together. Salmon and rice taste good together.

Cream cheese and rice, however, tastes like cream cheese. In a Philadelphia Roll, the flavor of cream cheese thus overpowers the flavor of salmon.

Picture a cream cheese-flavored bagel with cream cheese and lox on top. That's too much cream cheese!

Once, at Kabuki, I ordered a Philadelphia Roll and might as well have just eaten a block of cream cheese.

"Waiters Who Are Nauseated By Food" is a favorite sketch of mine from the short-lived Dana Carvey Show, which, in retrospect, involved an embarrassment of comedic riches: Steve Carell, Stephen Colbert, Robert Smigel, Louis CK, Dave Chappelle, et al.

Another fun Dana Carvey Show sketch: "First Ladies as Dogs"

Sadly, YouTube's sketch selection is incomplete. No "Grandma the Clown," for one. I should rip my VHS copy of all seven episodes sometime.

foods that nauseate me
American cheese
avocado (pure)
cheese cracker and peanut butter sandwiches
Cold Stone Creamery ice cream
salad dressing (Thousand Island and Ranch in particular)

+ top 10 things I'd be upset about if I were William Shakespeare
+ eight ways to kill someone by using an iPod Nano, according to ex-marine Brad Collum

Parenthetical Statement

Later, [Rush] Limbaugh went back to the program's [24] creation, saying: "You got lucky with 9/11 happening shortly after the show started." He quickly stopped himself, saying: "Sorry not got lucky bad choice of words." [source]

What a piece of shit he is. Fuckin' fag…

Bridges burned, lines crossed, all that's left to do now is assault a Portuguese co-worker in the freezer of a Dunkin' Donuts.

+ Hitler or Coulter? quiz
+ ECW talent are "extremists"

Worlds Apart

On Thursday, Ghana eliminated the USA in the first round of the World Cup.

The easy excuse is that "soccer's not our sport." The results aren't much different, however, in international competitions of "our" sports.

Before 2004, USA basketball teams had only lost two games in the history of Olympic tournaments. At the 2004 Olympics, the USA lost three, including a 92-73 loss to our own commonwealth!

At the 2006 World Baseball Classic, the USA failed to advance past the second round, en route losing to Canada, of all countries!

Little wonder that football is the most popular sport in America. The only country that poses a threat is Samoa.

Stop the presses! I found someone who actually attends ITT Tech!

The second issue of Wholphin includes Steven Soderbergh's intense sci-fi homage to Godard. The Japanese "Bewitched" re-scripted by Daniel Handler [Lemony Snicket] and writers of the Daily Show. And a special moment with Andy Richter.

But the highlight of McSweeney's' sophomore "DVD magazine of unseen films" has to be The 40 Year-Old Virgin producer Andrew Jay Cohen's exclusive short American Storage.

The short follows an employee of a storage facility who finds a man living in one of the units and stars:

Steve Carell (The 40 Year-Old Virgin)
Seth Rogen (The 40 Year-Old Virgin, Freaks and Geeks)
Martin Starr (Freaks and Geeks)
and David Krumholtz (Freaks and Geeks).

Judd Apatow (The 40 Year-Old Virgin, Freaks and Geeks) produced.

This is the best and only still I could find.

A feature-length expansion, set for release in 2007, will follow a man trying to turn around a failing storage facility by leasing out units as low-rent apartments on the Internet to random people. Aaron and Abe, perhaps?

I have a married Tibetan girlfriend

Surely there must be a way to access an Olympic-size swimming pool without paying unreasonable gym fees. I don't want to do cardio, I don't want to lift weights; I just want to swim laps.

I haven't been able to swim in over a year, during which time I've exercised by running. Problem is, I hate running, I hate sweating, I sweat heavily and I'm allergic to antiperspirants, an ailment I discovered after slathering Degree on my face as a teenager.

When I get a job, my first luxury purchase will be an aquatic center. I'll recoup some of the cost with memberships, invitation-only though to ensure that I never have to share a lane.

MTV2's All That Rocks show just might overtake Spike TV's Video Game Awards as the awards show that most screams "parent desperately trying to be cool."

A few of the nomination categories:

Freshest MC
There Are None Higher, Ultimate Metal God
Sucker Free MVP
Sickest Sports Moment
Insane New Game


Has anyone besides MTV2 ever used the term "sucker free"?

Even the press release is embarrassing!

"All That Rocks" is the first show of its kind to recognize the emerging "Do It Yourself" generation obsessed with technology and pop culture with an attitude influenced only by what rocks their world.

"All That Rocks" gives the MTV2 viewers an opportunity to truly take their 'DIY' attitude to another level.

Yes, "do it yourself" by supporting our shitty, pre-determined (and likely paid for) nominees.

"Enter to win an RV for a week" read the placard on my table at Fresh Choice.

One whole week!

Reminded me of when Ray and Yolanda won a one-year lease on two Mercedes-Benzes this past season on The Amazing Race.

If you're gonna offer a car and then fuckin' ask for it back, don't offer a car to begin with!

Stingy sponsors… The Price Is Right gives away two cars a day!

I stumbled upon this news brief from 2004:

Among the roles [Ricky] Gervais has turned down are English butler Higgins in George Clooney's remake of 80s TV program Magnum PI, a part alongside Al Pacino in The Merchant Of Venice, a role in the upcoming Pirates Of The Caribbean sequel, and a cameo in TV drama 24. [source]

The producers of 24 probably had "doomed Bauer accomplice" in mind, but I'd like to believe they courted him for the role of Audrey's husband.

Seeing Kiefer Sutherland torture Ricky Gervais with the power cord of a lamp would've made season four completely worthwhile.

Marvel vs. DC
"We'll examine each match-up and then we will compare and contrast who the readers voted for with who would really win each bout."

How A Wet T-Shirt Can Shoot Up Movie Sales
"Wow – a politically charged, black and white drama – converted into a hot and happening movie with a wet-t-shirt scene. Nice!"

Japan Funnies
"What a way to wake up!"

The Bench

An affectionate but poor variation on The Dugout.

**OnlineHost** King David wants to directly connect.
**OnlineHost** Bad Ass MFFL cancels request; no connection was made.
**OnlineHost** King David wants to directly connect.
King David: Come on, Mark! Connect!
**OnlineHost** Bad Ass MFFL cancels request; no connection was made.
**OnlineHost** King David wants to directly connect.
King David: Please?
King David: Pretty pretty please? With cherries on top?
**OnlineHost** King David is now directly connected.
Bad Ass MFFL: What do you want?
King David:
lawandorder SVG: Did you guys see Veronica Mars tonight?
KobeImAmazed: So good! Loved Veronica and Cliff bickering over who owed whom the favor.
Darkolepsy: I actually shrieked when I saw Clarence walk into the hotel room.
lawandorder SVG: I'm dying on the inside.

Kwyjibo on the loose

Curious like me as to why June's movie slate has been unusually uneventful?

Major films are commonly released "day-and-date," meaning they get a simultaneous worldwide rollout. Studios greenlight [tentpole] movies with an eye on the overseas windfall they promise.

"The World Cup has a great impact on box office," says Fox International's Joe Ortiz. "People tend to stay away [from theaters] in droves to watch these games."

Hollywood readied itself for a business slowdown long ago, flooding May with big releases to avoid the World Cup juggernaut. [source]

Fuckin' foreigners. I'm struggling here to find decent shit to see!

Move the World Cup to March in 2010, FIFA.

From the questionable headlines file:

"Bad guy plans to live in Edmonton"

I'm guessing the Sun is a tabloid.

For years now, I've seen ads for "summer jobs to save the environment," which would interest me if I could actually save the environment.

As a child, I loved the episode of TaleSpin in which Baloo shovels smog away with his plane.

Baloo saved the environment. Soliciting signatures and donations from strangers (which I suspect said summer jobs entail) isn't quite the same.

Every little bit counts though, I suppose.

Hitler Cats!
a blog dedicated to cats that look like Hitler

Breaking Kay's Fabe

The Bench

An affectionate but poor variation on The Dugout.

Hail Payton: And that's why we don't feed the dog people food!
FullBlownWade: Haha.
wHiTeHotStUnTa: YOOOOOOOOOO wads poppin niggaz? exited about tonite?
FullBlownWade: Dude, Jason, cut that shit out already! You're 30 years old! You have kids!
Hail Payton: It's like you're trapped in a mid-life crisis.
**OnlineHost** Celtic4Lyfe has joined the chatroom.
Celtic4Lyfe: Hey, guys.
Celtic4Lyfe: Hello?
Celtic4Lyfe: Where you all go?
Celtic4Lyfe: 's aight. I'll just talk to Antoine.
Celtic4Lyfe: Only six points in game five, yo. Disappointing.
Celtic4Lyfe: Well, if the refs didn't keep calling fouls on Antoine, Antoine coulda scored more threes.
Celtic4Lyfe: Don't worry. You'll dominate game six. I know it.
Celtic4Lyfe: <3

We Looked Like Giants

On Saturday, I attended the 2006 thesis exhibition of Stanford University's MFA program in documentary film and video, of which my father's cousin's daughter Kathy is a graduating student.

One film explored the plight of the bluefin tuna. Another was a portrait of a companion of Jorge Luis Borges.


Nepotistic as it may sound, I enjoyed Kathy's film the most. For one, it wasn't deathly boring.

Miss Chinatown U.S.A. followed a Seattle Seahawks cheerleader (Katie Au) as she prepared for and participated in this year's Miss Chinatown USA pageant.

Katie hoped the pageant would open doors to a career "as a dancer in Vegas or working in a bank."

Saturday night, my family, Kathy's family and a few of Kathy's (predominantly Stanford) friends ate dinner together.

Let me describe the half of the table occupied by Kathy's friends:

a PhD candidate in engineering
a PhD candidate in music
a PhD candidate in math
a PhD candidate in anthropology
a PhD candidate in teaching
a Harvard econ major soon to be Wharton graduate student

"Some company you keep," I told Kathy.

The anthropology PhD was a white dude who spoke fluent Chinese in several dialects. He spent a few minutes chatting with my parents in Mandarin about his ability to play multiple instruments while I headed to the Rite Aid across the street for some Levitra.

Kathy's friends reminded me a lot of my friends in high school. I've since lost touch with most of them, but I know that, for example, Nadia is currently a PhD candidate in computer science at Princeton.

Sometimes I wonder how I wound up in the circle I did.

The engineering PhD hailed from Calgary. I've only met two Calgarians in my life — Robbie and the PhD. Are they all charmingly jocular?

Kathy's sister received a fortune cookie that read: "Keep your eyes open."

On Sunday, I attended Kathy's commencement ceremony.

To my surprise, the commencement speaker was Craig Newmark, creator of Craigslist. Apparently, he hangs out with the creators of Wikipedia.

Each graduate wrote a little autobiography that was read as he or she received a diploma. Seemingly every blurb mentioned one or a combination of the following:

1. multiple extracurricular activities
2. moving to New York City
3. a job at Google

In fact, the number of Google references became comical, and this was the Department of Communication! Imagine Google's presence at the Department of Computer Science's commencement.

As the ceremony concluded, I overheard two spectators behind me discussing life at Amazon and Google, respectively.

"No regrets, Jon," I tried to convince myself. "No regrets…"

When she arrived, Kathy's mother gave me a wallet embossed with gold mermaids. Today, she gave me another present — an elephant picture frame.

I inserted a photo from 1999.

The Bench

An affectionate but poor variation on The Dugout.

Notch Johnson: Dirk, you need to rid your head of Hasselhoff and sing this to yourself instead.
**OnlineHost** Notch Johnson wants to send file.
**OnlineHost** DirkaDirkaDirka received file.
DirkaDirkaDirka: Aaron Carter?
Notch Johnson: You scoff, but did he not beat Shaq?
DirkaDirkaDirka: Yeah, in a dream of his.
Notch Johnson: That's disputable. A Shaq jersey mysteriously appears in his room when he wakes up, remember? Anyway, I want you to study the lyrics, particularly his winning strategy.
DirkaDirkaDirka: "I said, 'Yo, Shaq, you didn't tie your shoelace.' He looked down. I stole the ball.
DirkaDirkaDirka: Um… Shouldn't we be more concerned about Dwyane Wade?
Notch Johnson: Don't worry about him. Mark has a plan.
Bad Ass MFFL: I'll wire you half now, half after you finish the job.
Gilloolio: The left knee, right?
Bad Ass MFFL: Yessir.

Entropy and Irony

I received this fortune cookie fortune at dinner tonight:

Each day begins in darkness; don't overvalue the light.

Reads more like a Joy Division lyric than a fortune, but I suppose it's fitting.

Despite never having met either of them before, my father's cousin and her daughter were both surprised that I smiled in the group photos we shot.


Yesterday, I mentioned that my father's cousin handpicked a wallet for me embossed with gold mermaids. Turns out she had gold mermaids custom-embossed on the wallet.

J-Ram and I:
so currently we have a pool going about how many posts in which you're going to mention jj reddick getting arrested
i called 3

me, the [WankerCounty] guys
a pool? really?
i made it up

i see
so it's just you


related: "It is a well-known fact that [J.J. Redick] likes to piss on the ladies."

Nintendo announces DS series called 'Common Sense Training for Adults'
"The software is targeted at 'men and women, young and old who still have something to learn.'"

Google buys a city
"Many [city] officials said they could not comment on the project because they signed confidentiality agreements."

24 may head to the Big Apple next season
"We are in conversations about shooting some stuff in New York."

Who knew that housewives loved Alice Walker so much?

The Bench

An affectionate but poor variation on The Dugout.

FullBlownWade: Well, well, well… Look who it is! Ist das nicht ein LOSER? Ya das ist ein LOSER!
**OnlineHost** FullBlownWade has fallen down.
Terry Godfather: Gee, Dirk, what are we gonna do tonight?
DirkaDirkaDirka: The same thing we do every night, Terry…
donis the monis: How's Miami treatin' ya, boys? You know, I'm from here. Yup, playin' for a championship in mah hometown.
NDBus313: What the hell, dude! That's my shtick!
donis the monis: Oh? Is that a man law? Let me enjoy my 15 minutes in the sun. I mean, really… Who the fuck am I? Udonis Haslem? Who?
**OnlineHost** SteelerNoDeal has joined the chatroom.
SteelerNoDeal: Hey, Bus.
NDBus313: Jesus Christ, Ben, put a helmet on!
SteelerNoDeal: Yeah, yeah…
NDBus313: No, I'm serious! Who did your surgery? Muhammad Ali?
Notch Johnson: Quack, quack!