I wish I could remember what I'm trying to forget

"Everybody in the audience gets a tattoo!"

I pity whoever's job it is to update Oprah's billboards (plural) daily. Does she really need to advertise her show?

I've been playing tourist this week.

On Tuesday, I visited a Chris Ware exhibit at the Museum of Contemporary Art. The geometric intricacy of his work never ceases to inspire awe. If John Severin didn't exist, Chris Ware would be my favorite illustrator.

Yesterday, I visited the Shedd Aquarium. While I understand the need for displays to simulate natural environments, reptiles and amphibians in their "natural" environments can be impossibly frustrating to see. One frog I spent three minutes locating turned out to be a cockroach.

I also mistook beluga whales for dolphins. "How did I miss the fuckin' whales?" I thought, checking and re-checking my map, later realizing that the dolphins in the whale habitat were, in fact, whales. I assumed the whales would be larger. I expected Moby Dick or Shamu.

The "natural" environment for fish of the Great Lakes was concrete and some rusted metal.

On the train ride home, I perused the back page of the Chicago Reader's classified section.

Actual back page classified ads (I'd scan if I could):

you've ever had. 1234 S Michigan. Parking in/ out.

"1234 S. Michigan"? The address deserves the benefit of the doubt, but it sounds so suspect. It's like "666 Elm St."

Also, I doubt many people have had a Ukrainian massage before.

Kitchens, bathrooms, roofing, siding, tuckpointing
Painting, Carpentry, We can do it all.

And your sexual orientation is relevant why?

to help the homeless who are terminally ill.
100% tax deductible.

No point in helping them if they're terminal.

My all-time favorite back page classified (as seen in either SF Weekly or Metro):

(650) 515-6883

Distractions of interest that aren't masturbating lonely men with mustaches or trampoline basketball:

Football Heroes
700 portraits of 60 World Cup teams by 50 illustrators from 17 different countries

The National Review's Top 50 Conservative Rock Songs
48. "Why Don't You Get a Job?" by The Offspring