Lost and Gone Forever

Okay, this is my last Lost recap. I hate writing them and usually end up hating what I wrote.

That said…

Previously on Adam Riff™:

Sayid: Who are you?
?: Henry Gale.
Sayid: Lies! You are one of them!

Walt: Dad, the Others are posers. They're pretending!

Miss Klugh: [to Michael] We'll free both you and your son for the safe return of our man and the names on this list.
[Klugh's list reads "Jack, Kate, Sawyer, Hurley"]

Michael: Let's go after Walt! Us five!

Eko: [to Locke] If you don't push the button, I will.

2-23 "Live Together, Die Alone"

Charles Widmore: Stay away from my daughter, Desmond. She's moved on.

Part-Time Office Assistants

Small arctic outpost is looking for part-time office assistants to monitor electromagnetic anomalies. Candidates should be able to work independently.

Compensation: competitive
This is a part-time job.
no — Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
no — Please, no phone calls about this job!
no — Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.
no — Reposting this message elsewhere is NOT OK.

[phone rings]
Penelope Widmore: Hello?
Ruskie: I think we found it.

Locke: One minute left. Eko nearly killed himself trying to blast the door open after we locked him out, but his cooler head will prevail when I show him the button ain't shit. No whammies! Heh.
Desmond: Whammies… Oh fuck! You have to push the button, dude! I was late one time and this island generated a magnetic cataclysm which I think crashed your plane! Push the button now!
Locke: How 'bout I do this instead? [destroys the button]
[time expires, a magnetic cataclysm begins to destroy the hatch]
Locke: Oops. My bad. [pause] Where are you going?
Desmond: To save the day.
[Desmond crawls underground, activates a key switch, the sky turns violet, a loud noise deafens all island residents]

Locke: Why did you come back?
Desmond: I couldn't bear not knowing what happens when the mysterious button is left unpushed.

Two months earlier…

[Desmond catches Kelvin trying to flee the island on his boat and kills him]
Desmond: Shit! The button!

Desmond: Kelvin?
Kelvin: I'm down here.
[Desmond crawls underground, sees Desmond sitting beside a "system termination" key switch]
Kelvin: I couldn't do it.
Desmond: Do what?
Kelvin: Suck my own cock. It's hard out here for my libido. Nobody around who isn't a hostile… [pause] I ain't no fag.

Desmond: Where am I?
Kelvin: You washed ashore. I carried you into the hatch. [clears throat] What did one snowman say to the other?
Desmond: Fidelio?
Kelvin: Oh you've got to be kidding me! You're not my replacement?


Henry: [to Mr. Friendly] Where's your beard?
Tom ("Mr. Friendly"): I think they know.
Henry: [sigh] Help these days… [to Michael] You, take your son and leave. [to Hurley] You, return to camp and tell everybody to keep away from here. Your friends are coming with us.
Hurley: Who are you people?
Henry: We're the good guys.


Next season on Lost:
[an Other leads Jack into a cavern]
Jack: Holy shit!
?: Listen, doc, if you can ignore my size and appearance for a sec, I'm in desperate need of a foot. I went out for a walk one day and all of a sudden the ground started leaking liquid nitrogen.