Previously on Adam Riff™:
Locke: I need you to crawl through the vent in the pantry and push the mysterious button for me.
Henry: Okay.

2-18 "Dave"

Hurley: I'm so fat.
Libby: No shit, Mandisa. How are you still so fuckin' fat?
[Hurley reveals secret stash of food]
Libby: If you don't want to be fat, you could, you know, not eat this shit.
Hurley: You're right.
[Hurley desecrates Hawaiian jungle with ranch dressing and fish crackers]
Hurley: I feel so freeeee!

Hurl: Just what do you think you're doing Dave? Dave, I really think I'm entitled to an answer to that question. Dave…stop. Stop, will you? Stop, Dave. Will you stop, Dave? Stop, Dave. I'm afraid. I'm afraid, Dave…….Dave, my mind is going. I can feel it. I can feel it. My mind is going. There is no question about it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I'm a…fraid……Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am Hugo "Hurley" Reyes. I unknowingly spent time with Libby in a mental institution. My imaginary friend was Dave, and he taught me to be a glutton.

Hurley: You're not real, Dave.
Dave: Neither is this island, dude. It's all in your head, dude. Jump off this cliff with me, dude, and return to your institutionalized reality of Connect Four and tacos, dude.
Hurley: This…this isn't real?
Dave: What is "real"? How do you define "real"?
Jennifer Connelly: You want to know what's real? This…
[Jennifer puts her hand on Russell Crowe's heart and his hand on her face]
Connelly: This is real.
Libby: Shit, bitch, you stole my move! I was just about to do that with Hurley!

Hurley: [sigh] I'm so fat I killed two people.
[pause]
Libby: Oh. Sorry, I was expecting a punchline.

"Henry": John, I didn't push the mysterious button.
Locke: What?
"Henry": I didn't push the button and…nothing happened.
Locke: Nothing?
"Henry": The mysterious timer reset itself.
[pause]
Locke: Are you kidding me? All those nights I could've been sleeping…
"Henry": What is this place? That computer is years old.
[pause]
Locke: This isn't Skynet — this is a fallout shelter for VIPs!