I want him to have all the urine he needs

Lionsgate has picked up worldwide distribution rights to "Atlas Shrugged."

Ayn Rand enthusiast Angelina Jolie's name has been brought up for lead character Dagny Taggart. Brad Pitt, also a fan, is rumored to be among the names suggested for lead male character John Galt. [source]

Wonder how Objectivists reacted to the news…

Return of King draws crowds, joy

The opening should provide relief for some customers such as Debra Johnson, 44, who estimated that she ate at Burger King "every day, twice a day."

"We're tired of eating Taco Bell and McDonald's," she said. "We can't handle it anymore."

Yup, sounds like the nation's fattest city to me.

Either the Daily Northwestern is an embarrassment to journalism or Evanston is incredibly boring. A report on the re-opening of a Burger King? Seriously?

Lunch monitor tells student his eating habits are 'disgusting.'

When he eats with both a spoon and fork, instead of only one utensil, the lunch monitor moves him to a table to sit by himself.

"If your son eats like a pig he has to go to another table."

Upset over Luc's story, Gallardo telephoned the school's principal. "He said, 'Madame, you are in Canada. Here in Canada you should eat the way Canadians eat.'"

Apparently, Jeeves quit, so I didn't receive an answer, but scanning the search results, I learned:

—Recent statistics show that Canadians are some of the chubbier people on the planet.

—Canadians are more likely to than any other nationality to eat roadkill.

—Canadians eat more pizza per capita than Americans do.

—Canadians eat an average of 10 grams of trans fats a day – one of the highest rates in the world.

—Canadians now eat more than one meal in three outside of the home.

Strange how you never hear about the obesity epidemic in Canada.

Canada's Top 5 Fattest [sic] Cities

Attention those who feel United 93 is "too soon":

TSUNAMI (HBO) – Tim Roth, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Sophie Okonedo and Toni Collette are set to star in a movie about the disastrous flood that devastated the Andaman Coast in Thailand in late 2004.

Will Petra Nemcova play herself?

Snakes on United 93
Potent Quotables: Wii

Medical Waste


Scrubs is not funny.

There. I said it.

I want to like the show, I do.

Everybody I know who likes Scrubs1 also liked Arrested Development. Well, I liked Arrested Development and have never once laughed during an episode of Scrubs. Not even a "heh." Zach Braff's Punk'd segment was funnier than any of his scenes on Scrubs I've seen.

By no means am I a comedy snob. I loller at stupid shit like "yo momma's breath so bad, it's like she's been eating ass chips."

I just don't understand the appeal of overwrought humour.

Like The Andy Milonakis Show, Scrubs tries too hard to be funny and therefore isn't. It tries too hard to be off the wall.

Defend your show, Scrubs fans.

Scott McClellan's Replacement: SmarterChild
Hobo Porn (nsfw)

1 is Jewish

Thoughts I've had while riding the CTA Red Line

—What is that smell?

—Is that vomit?

—Jesus. How many bums are inside this car? I can't breathe!

—Please stop talking, crazy homeless man. You're making the rest of us very uncomfortable.

—Am I the only non-black person aboard?

—Shit. Beggar at three o'clock. He's using his son too! Gotta look preoccupied…

—What the hell, lady? Clipping your fingernails on the train?

—Sweet, reading material. Oh but it's RedEye… Eh, whatever.

—Guh. Must 'maintenance' work during the day? I could walk faster than this.

—I'm so lonely.

95 1/2 Spring Street

24: Someone in the casting department loves RoboCop.

Christopher Henderson = Peter Weller = RoboCop
Vice President Hal Gardner = Ray Wise = Leon Nash
and introducing evil mastermind Graham = Paul McCrane = Emil Antonowsky

At this rate, I expect Jack to battle an ED-209 in the season finale.

Paul McCrane also played Dr. Romano on ER.

Dr. Romano lost an arm when he backed into the tail rotor blades of a helicopter and later died when a helicopter crashed on top of him. [source]

In RoboCop, Emil (McCrane) melts after driving his truck into a container of toxic waste. He staggers around moaning and then splatters across the front of Clarence Boddicker's speeding vehicle.

In The Blob (1988), The Blob bends Deputy Bill Briggs (McCrane) in half, backwards, and yanks him through a door window no more than a foot in diameter.

On The X-Files, Scully killed Leonard Betts (McCrane) with a defibrillator.

I'll be disappointed if Mr. Graham doesn't suffer an equally entertaining demise.

the hall of henchmen
ann coulter's book "godless" to be released on 6-6-06

Horse Apples

What kind of promotional special is "Catering Impossible: M:I:3"?

The real impossible mission is feeding Tom Cruise and the army of cast & crew. Meet the people whose job that is. Food Network gets behind the scenes and into the catering tent for all the action.

Paramount seeks exposure for an action movie on Food Network + Food Network seeks an exposé on on-set catering = does not compute.

I caught the end of "101 More Things Removed From the Human Body" on The Learning Channel and witnessed a doctor extracting a large maggot from a woman's scalp.

Show me the hero, and I'll write you a tragedy

At the supermarket today, I realized exactly what bugs me about the Hawthorne Heights video currently in rotation on MTV.

different names for the same thing

The band looks like Death Cab For Cutie by Hot Topic!

In addition to the above images of Hawthorne Heights, the cover of the latest issue of Alternative Press boasts this:

oral, std… [snicker]

I like how it's "exclusive!," as if there was a bidding war.

Chinese film maker Zhang Yimou will direct the opening and closing ceremonies of the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games.

Steven Spielberg will be part of Zhang's team as an artistic adviser. [source]

Artistry is not Spielberg's forte though. I wouldn't describe any of his films as very artistic. Moreover, the director of Hero and House of Flying Daggers probably doesn't need artistic advice.

Seems to me that the Chinese government hired Spielberg for the sake of hiring Spielberg.

"Who produced our Olympic ceremonies? Oh, only history's most successful director!"

Godsmack's Sully Erna and illusionist Criss Angel are reworking the theme song from Angel's popular A&E series, "Mindfreak," for Angel's forthcoming Koch Records album.

Erna has brought in guitar wiz Nuno Bettencourt (Extreme) to play on the track. [source]

"For Angel's forthcoming album." [shudder]

Penned by the lead singer of Korn and sung by Angel, the Mindfreak theme song is hilariously bad as is. Now Nuno freakin' Bettencourt's involved? Man…

Remember when news that broke was important?

+ Something Wild for Papelbon
+ Puppy-Pipe Emergency!
+ This is a real photo:

Evaporate, Tall Person

ATTACK OF THE SHOW, G4's daily trip to the digital water cooler, relaunches on May 15. Among the topics that the newly relaunched AOTS will cover in its daily broadcasts are:

Sex, Parties & Women: Perhaps the most important topics of all to AOTS viewers. The series unveils new franchise segments such as "MySpace Girl of the Week." [source]

Way to build cred, G4.

The network has hit Maladroit. Only a matter of time before Make Believe sets in.

I've concluded that it's smarter to steal than to play for points on Family Feud.

The odds that a family clears the board are low, so I'd risk a sweep every round and wait for the playing family to strike out. Then, not only do I already know three incorrect answers, I also get to discuss the best possible remaining answer(s) with others. Five heads are better than one.

On MTV's Yo Momma, SoCal peeps compete in trash talk battles that involve (as the title of the show suggests) "yo momma" jokes.

What flusters me is that many contestants' mothers actually attend these battles!

"Hey, mom, wanna hear a complete stranger talk shit about you tonight?"
"Sure, I'd love to!"

A few suggestions on how to improve "my show," Wilmer:
1. Send contestants on dates with their opponents' mothers prior to battle.
2. Let mothers compete.

+ Things Other Than Collars That Three Six Mafia Have Been Popping For As Long As They Can Remember
+ Did MySpace's Tom Anderson do Asian porn?
+ the readers of CNN.com
+ Bridging Cultural Gaps
+ The Movie Timeline

Autobiographies of towels

Summer 1999

The DJ With No Name: Live 105.
Me: Hey, can you play "Stoned" by Smash Mouth?
No Name: Only if you admit that you're HIGH right now. You're HIGH, aren't you? Does your HIGHness have musical MUNCHIES?
Me: No, I just want to hear the song.
No Name: All right. I'll play it in a few.

He never played my request.

A Confederacy of Dunces

Kellie. Pickler. is. getting. away. with. murder.

Stupid bitch admits to butchering her song and yet remains in the top three? Oh but she said she was sorry…

The prevailing wisdom in our country is that presidential elections are decided in the South. Pundits love to shout that the last three Democratic presidents have come from the South, and that a Northerner cannot attract Southern voters.

I mention this because more Americans vote for an American Idol than voted for a president in 2004, and all four previous American Idols were Southerners.

Kelly Clarkson (Texas)
Ruben Studdard (Alabama)
Fantasia Barrino (North Carolina)
Carrie Underwood (Oklahoma)1

Unless Katharine McPhee runs the table, this year's American Idol will also be a Southerner.

Why does America oppose an Idol from outside the South? I don't understand…

All four previous Idol runners-up were Southerners too.

Justin Guarini (Georgia)
Clay Aiken (North Carolina)
Diana DeGarmo (Georgia)
Bo Bice (Alabama)

In a perfect world, Katharine fans would protest the projected coronation of the dude who sang Creed, if just because he sang Creed.

"Not my Idol!"
"Chris step down!"

1 The five tribal governments of the Indian Territory, which became Oklahoma in 1907, mainly supported the South during the Civil War.

What'cha gonna do with all that junk?

from the I am 8-Bit art show in Los Angeles:

"join soundhive and i for Bay To Breakers"

Tony Brummel, iTunes prima donna
"purported e-mail exchange between Tony Brummel, head of indie label Victory Records, and Steve Jobs, God of iTunes"

Manilow, Dion and Cohen for Thirteen?
"Barry Manilow and Celine Dion are in talks for roles in 'Ocean's Thirteen', with Ali G also in talks for a role"

last night on 24, the Stair Car!
"it's had a facelift (gone is the Bluth Company logo), but I'd know it anywhere"

Bruce Willis in a Japanese Gas Station Ad

Appetite For Disgustion

from Physician, try it out on thyself:

In 1916, Dr. Joseph Goldberger drew blood, scraped scabs and collected feces from patients at a South Carolina pellagra hospital. His aim: to prove to a doubting medical community that deadly pellagra was not contagious. His method: to inject himself, his apparently devoted wife and several colleagues with the affected blood and to feed them the scabs and feces.

That's one devoted wife.

This week on No Reservations (arguably the best non-fiction program on television), host Anthony Bourdain visited Quebec to sample the province's cuisine.

In Montreal, he braved a gauntlet of at least 15 consecutive foie gras dishes and stomached some gnarly poutine topped with three kinds of processed meat.

Then he ventured north and dined on raw seal with an Inuit family.

I wish I had video of three generations of this family gathered around a fresh seal carcass casually devouring its edible parts.

Bon appetit.

As a show of respect, the head of the family offered one of the seal's eyeballs to Bourdain, which grandmother instructed him to suck like a nipple.

Damn climate hardened my eyeball…

The vacuum cleaner's my cock

Feeling nostalgic the other day, I unearthed my Nintendo 64 collection.

Ah… South Park 64. What a regretful purchase.

Lots of fighting the same enemy over and over again. I probably heard more explicit language exiting my mouth while playing the game than within the game itself.

South Park 64 reminded me of the wretched Tick video game — more torture than fun.

Family Guy (is it, in fact, funny?) kindled by South Park rages on, 1up.com sparks another debate: How will the Family Guy video game compare to South Park 64?

Acclaim set the bar mighty low, yes, but even so, I think South Park translates better than Family Guy.

You'll be able to play out the random, non-sequitur sequences that have become so common in the show.


Videos of Stephen Colbert busting up laughing will always be funny.

Filliam H. Muffman

Tonight was a disaster

from Urban Dictionary:


Must be regional slang.

I saw an ad for a talking grill children's toy.

A sizzling good time just might turn into loads of giggles when CHARLIE "talks" to the ketchup, mustard, fork and spatula!

And I thought a pooping and peeing doll was weird…

The Cool Crew line also includes a talking lawn mower, a talking vacuum cleaner and a talking tool bench.

Clampy the anthropomorphic vise, eh?

I'll have what Playskool's smoking.

unintentionally hilarious album cover of the moment