Exit Does Not Exist

"This week on Lunchtime Suicide…"

Vince McMahon: It's a series of vignettes about a referee who unsuccessfully tries to kill himself. Eh?

variations on last words

"What th—"

"But I did what you asked! You sai—"

"My mother's a wreck. I've been handling all the arrangements for my brother's funeral."

"See? Israel isn't such a bad place to visit."

"Nice trenchcoat, fag!"

"Please let it be the blue wire…"

"I bet you $20 that I can suck my own dick while standing on the edge of the roof of our building."

"This rave is awesome!"

"Well, I guess I am goin' out like this."


shelden williams = zombie

Lost in Translation

Previously on Adam Riff™:
Sayid: Who are you?
"Henry Gale."
Sayid: Lies! You are one of them!

2-17 "Lockdown"

Locke: [pedaling exercise bike] That's right, John. Pretend you're Lance Armstrong. Feel the cancer spreading in your testicles. [rumbling] What the… Why are all the entryways to the living area in the hatch closing?

Locke: Well, shit. I need to push the mysterious button soon. Let's see… I could crawl through the vent in the pantry…or I could free the suspicious prisoner!

Locke: Thanks for helping me lift this door, dude. After I push the mysterious button, I'm-a get you a new shirt. You look like Jennifer Beals in Flashdance.
Henry: Be careful.
Locke: Don't wo— [door collapses] KNIGHTS OF COLUMBUS! There's a door peg in my thigh!
Henry: What do we do now?
Locke: I need you to crawl through the vent in the pantry and push the mysterious button for me.
Henry: Okay.
Locke: [groan] Where the hell is Jack?

Jack: All in.
Sawyer: I call.
[Jack reveals cards]
Sawyer: Dammit!
Jack: Hand over the medical supplies.

Locke: Henry?
Locke: Henry!
Locke: Hello?
"Have you checked the children?"
Locke: Who dat?
[ultraviolet lights turn on, illuminate mysterious map on collapsed door]
Locke: Hey… When did I ejaculate on my pants?
[ultraviolet lights turn off, regular lights turn on, collapsed door opens]
Locke: Henry?
Locke: Henry!
Henry: I'm still here! Hold on. [into phone] It's Yelena. Locke is not dead.
Sayid: Step away from him!
Henry: Whaaa?
Sayid: I found your balloon and your wife's grave just like you said, but inside the grave was a man! [flashes driver's license of a black man named "Henry Gale"]
Henry: Oh that… Heh. What can I say? DMVs aren't photography studios.

Next week on Lost:

Sayid: Would a real woman have to wear one of THESE?
[pulls corpse's hair]
Sayid: Boy, that's really on there! But tell me this: Would a real woman be missing THESE?

Sawyer: I call.
Sawyer: Dammit! [sigh] Take the fuckin' guns, Diet Pepsi can.

Shake the hand you are dealt

The Florida House passed a bill last Thursday that would make the state the first to require incoming high school freshmen to declare a major, just as college students do.

Gov. Jeb Bush and others say that requiring high school students to declare a major and concentrate on a particular field could prepare them better for college and the working world and reduce the dropout rate. [source]

While I support vocational education, eighth grade is way too early to expect career plans from most students, let alone viable career plans.

Robot: When I was 14, I wanted to be a person who sees lots of vaginas.

If signed into law, I wouldn't be surprised if freshman classes in Florida begin to resemble college sports teams, full of sociology majors and whatnot.

Say I chose to major in liberal arts. Would I attend regular high school then?


Is 24 better than Lost?
Let's face it—both shows have writers who don't know where they're going. On 24, they are constantly writing themselves into corners, then they think of crazy, outlandish ways to get out of it. On Lost, they have all these characters milling around with nothing to do, and then have to find meandering mysteries for them to be involved in. Only 24 resolves these problems in a satisfying manner—someone gets shot or poisoned.

You're embarrassing me in front of Danny Aiello

I call bullshit on Sun-Maid Raisins' claim that its product is "nothing but grapes and sunshine."

As a child, I tried making raisins by leaving grapes in the sun.

They rotted.

Over the weekend, my mother sent me this e-mail:

Subject: Fwd: The cabbie and a nun …

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that, number 1, you have to be single and number 2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a passionate kiss. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me for I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

Again, my mother sent this to me.

the top five game shows from my youth
we shared the same taste

the 15 most overrated movies of all time
harvard vitriol

Ugly Meanings in Beautiful Things

They made it.

The Final fuckin' Four.

Three years after losing 19 games.1
Two years after losing 17 games.
One year after losing in the first round as one of the last teams in.
One month after losing to USC.




How far is Indianapolis from Chicago?

That commercial is Bill Walton at the UCLA vs. Memphis game.

1 including one to EA Sports All-Stars!

Your tears are so yummy and sweet


Nights like Thursday are why the NCAA men's basketball tournament is the greatest sporting event on Earth.

So Gonzaga lost the game more than the Bruins won it. Doesn't matter. Survive and advance.

Next: Memphis vs. UCLA rematch.

Misery loves company.

I'm-a spare Redick the humiliation of a crying shot and just thank him for four years of fun at his expense. I think I've found a worthy successor in Greg Paulus.

Hey, guys! Thumbs up!


He would have made an excellent child molester

"This ain't no bank robbery!"

I could listen to Denzel Washington say that line all day long. I love how indignant he sounds.

If I had money, I'd pay Denzel to be my personal complainer.

"This ain't no baja chalupa!"

"That ain't no foul!"

"This ain't no history of philosophy!"

I mistakenly borrowed Sophie's Choice.

draw out the little annoyances that make college what it is

I've been reading a lot lately.

Syrup by Maxx Barry

Jennifer Government by Max Barry

Company by Max Barry

Be More Chill by Ned Vizzini

The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon

Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut

I'd elaborate if I enjoyed writing reviews.

i heard a rumor…

Game day nerrrrrves.

Lost in Translation

Previously on Adam Riff™: Each Thursday, I will recap the major plot developments from the previous night's episode of Lost.

2-16 "The Whole Truth"

Sun: I'm pregnant.
Jin: But I only shoot blanks… [pause] It's a miracle!
Sun: Well…
Jin: What?
Sun: Nothing.

Sun is like a Korean Julia McNamara.

Meanwhile, Henry still may or may not be an Other.

The Slowskys must adore this show.

This is a long drive for someone with nothing to think about

I wonder how much money Interscope is paying MTV to pimp The All-American Rejects.

The Shield season five finale:

Shed a tear.

Lem's death ranks among the all-time tragic Hollywood endings — Fredo in The Godfather: Part II, Lefty in Donnie Brasco.

This has been a good week for television cliffhangers involving gentlemen named Shane.

Shane Kippel's memorable line at the end of the Degrassi finale: "If she turns around to look before she gets on, I'll be okay."

I went upstairs to ask Jord a question and he was sitting buck naked at his desk with the door wide open.

Live through this and you won't look back

No, me asking you to remove your shoes indoors is not an "Asian thing," it's an "I don't want to have to clean the floor every week" thing.

Degrassi: The Next Generation season five finale:

Stop the presses! Paige had sex with Spinner! The writers probably felt it was now or never.

Also, Jimmy reconnected with Ashley and reconciled with Spinner.

It'll be interesting to see how next season plays out with the loss of the "senior" class, save for Spinner and Jimmy (and possibly Ashley), for whom the writers found loopholes to retain for another year.

How "O.C." of Degrassi to conclude with an Arts & Crafts song.

Stars – "Your Ex-Lover Is Dead"

As luck would have it, fixes of my other Canadian television favorite are nigh. The sixth season of Trailer Park Boys premieres April 16.

IMDb's cast list for next week's episode of 24:

why we can't take the white sox seriously
deadspin accepted my submission!

Directions to California

Wrapping up week one…

free throw lines
CBS listed Randolph Morris' major as "secondary education." So he's majoring in high school?

"Carl Krauser" sounds like a name the writers of 24 would use for a villain. Victor Drazen, Vladimir Bierko, Carl Krauser. Whenever I see his name in print, I hear the Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonator on Late Night with Conan O'Brien pronouncing it in my head and can't help but laugh. How did a black dude from the Bronx acquire such a ridiculously German name?

In the first round, there was Bruins vs. Bruins. In the second round, Wildcats vs. Wildcats. In the sweet sixteen? Huskies vs. Huskies.

Other sweet sixteen highlights:

George Mason Patriots vs. Wichita State Shockers

Texas Longhorns vs. West Virginia Mountaineers

UCLA Bruins vs. Gonzaga Bulldogs

It's been one day and I'm already sick of the "battle for the west coast" hype.

On the fan front at least, Bruins win.

Gonzaga fans vs. UCLA fans

Okay, I'll shut up about basketball until Friday.

With tired eyes, tired minds, tired souls, we slept

As Snakes on a Plane footage circulates the Internet, let us not forget the adult-themed parody of March of the Penguins written and directed by Bob Saget.

free throw lines
JJ Sullinger: White tights?

Jonathan Modica's hometown is Smackover, AR.

Heard during the West Virginia vs. Southern Illinois game:
"Falker penetrates."

The player's full name is Randal Falker. Yes, his name is Randy Falker, like the joke in Meet the Fockers.

Another fun name: Adrian Tigert (pronounced "tiger-t").

No way Greg Brunner (left) was born in 1983. I mean, look at him, he's balding! He looks like he could be Matt Sylvester's (right) father.

Not shown on screen during the Washington vs. Illinois game: Jay Bilas' thunderous erection for Brandon Roy.

Mike Jensen out of context:

Coach patted me on the butt, looked me in the eyes and told me that he needed me. Right there, I didn't care about anything else in the world. [source]

[current mood | frustrated]
I expect a free throw clinic before the Gonzaga game, Bruins.

My heart has slowly dried up

A hiring freeze.

Way to let me know at the END of the interview, Tribune Company.

The recruitment lady expects the freeze to ease in quarter two of this year.


Hit Songs of the 1970s and '80s If the South Had Won the Civil War

This is probably the first recorded use of the term "mystery monk."

free throw lines
Joah Tucker and Joakim Noah are the Dylan McDermott and Dermot Mulroney of college basketball.

Heard during the Indiana vs. San Diego State game:
"A foul against Killingsworth in a matchup against Slaughter."

names of the day:
Pops Mensah-Bonsu
Luc Richard Mbah a Moute
Marcus Slaughter

If I ever have a son, I'm gonna name him "Christopher Thomas" just so I can call him "C.T. Yu."

Encounter with Haile Selassie's grandson in a Mississauga Tim Hortons

Have you heard the new tourism slogan for Washington state?
It's "Say WA." [source]

The state spent 18 months developing that?

Give me an hour and I can probably conceive slogans for all 50 states.

"Say TN"
"See MN"
"Rape ME"
"We are the knights who say NE!" (NY also works)


I called my father about insurance matters and at the end of our conversation, he informed me that my childhood buddy Jeff's aunt died recently in a car crash.

"Her husband inquired about you."
"About me? Why?"
"He wanted you to film his wife's funeral1."


Why do people film funerals? Weddings, birthdays and graduations I can understand, but funerals? Personally, funerals are not events that I would ever want to relive.

1 As a child, I aspired to be a filmmaker.

Former Red Power Ranger Austin St. John has found a new career in gay porn

From the book of awesomely bad pick-up lines:

Sounds like something Leisure Suit Larry would say.

Larry: You're invited…to get laid!
Woman: WA?

Adam Sandler to star in drama about September 11

JULIE RENO, BOUNTY HUNTER (FOX) — Erin Daniels has been tapped for the lead role in the comedy pilot, about a down-on-her-luck single mother who turns to bounty hunting.

If Fox executives have any sense, this series is one-and-done, like Fox's previous foray into bounty hunter entertainment.

free throw line
Does the Belmont bruin look fiercer, or like it's doing an impression of Chewbacca?

Let the games begin.

Proud of myself and the loner I've become

I scored a job interview with the Chicago Tribune…on the first day of March Madness.

I'm desperate for a job, but I've also been pissing myself with anticipation over the tournament.


Kanye West Compares Arctic Monkeys To Genesis

Ever wonder what happens to aborted human fetuses?

I read that most fetuses are incinerated, but I also read this:

"We basically put them down the garbage disposal if they were small enough."

"Oftentimes, second trimester abortions were performed and these babies […] we would [flush] down a toilet." [source]

Dr. Abortion: Keep feeding 'em into the sink, Gloria. I need to go find a plunger.

I'm surprised that Fear Factor hasn't challenged contestants to drink a fetus milkshake yet. Disgusting, yes, but this is a show that once concocted a tasty beverage of blended rats.

If Trey Wingo was more like Andrew Dice Clay…

Sometimes I wonder why I continue to follow wrestling.

"His nose looks like it's dispensing baby wipes."

John Cena's latest shirt design

"Hustle, Loyalty, Respect." What does that mean?

Moreover, is "hustle" supposed to be a verb or a noun? Because if it's a verb, the message is grammatically unsound, and if it's a noun, the message makes even less sense.

Previously on Adam Riff™: how old is that shirt cena wears, the one with the belt?

All-time classic sports mustaches

free throw line
North Carolina forward Tyler Hansbrough and Beaker — separated at birth.

Saying Sorry

After hours at The Dot: The former born-again Christian kisses the former lesbian in the heat of the moment.

Knowing the writers, Spinner will probably mend fences with Darcy in the next episode. Meh.

Of the twelve Degrassi minis produced for the-n.com, four are "what if?" fantasy episodes with no premiere dates yet.

What if Liberty was Paige and Paige was Liberty?

What if Emma was Jay and Jay was Emma?

Emma as Jay looks like Britney Spears. Crazy how much Miriam McDonald has changed in appearance since season one. Cassie Steele too.

Howie Mandel is quite possibly the most frightening game show host I've ever seen, even more so than Gene Rayburn or Pat Sajak. If you don't think Pat Sajak is frightening, tile an image of his face as your computer wallpaper.

This man created Bobby's World!

He looks like Lex Luthor mated with a pirate.

free throw line
ESPN announcer Mike Patrick has Asian eyes.

'My Name Is Earl' DVD to feature mini-episode with 'Family Guy' character

Wake me up when March ends

"The Bruins are a good team but the Bruins are much better."

This is all so very overwhelming.

A number two seed? For real?

Not only were they a number two seed, they were the fifth overall team based on the order of selection, behind only Duke, UConn, Villanova and Memphis. For real?

Dick Vitale and Digger Phelps (of all people) picked them to reach the Final Four. Sports Illustrated picked them to advance to the championship game.


For real?

One game at a time though.

Thursday: Bruins vs. Bruins in San Diego.

Go Bruins UCLA!

free throw line
Congratulations to the USC Trojans (17-13) for being rejected by the NIT.