"This week on Lunchtime Suicide…" Vince McMahon: It's a series of vignettes about a referee who unsuccessfully tries to kill himself. Eh? variations on last words "What th—" "But I did what you asked! You sai—" "My mother's a wreck. I've been handling all the…
Date Archives March 2006
Lost in Translation
Previously on Adam Riff™: Sayid: Who are you? "Henry Gale." Sayid: Lies! You are one of them! 2-17 "Lockdown" Locke: [pedaling exercise bike] That's right, John. Pretend you're Lance Armstrong. Feel the cancer spreading in your testicles. [rumbling] What the… Why are all the entryways…
Quickie
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Shake the hand you are dealt
The Florida House passed a bill last Thursday that would make the state the first to require incoming high school freshmen to declare a major, just as college students do. Gov. Jeb Bush and others say that requiring high school students to declare a major…
You're embarrassing me in front of Danny Aiello
I call bullshit on Sun-Maid Raisins' claim that its product is "nothing but grapes and sunshine." As a child, I tried making raisins by leaving grapes in the sun. They rotted. Over the weekend, my mother sent me this e-mail: Subject: Fwd: The cabbie and…
Ugly Meanings in Beautiful Things
They made it. The Final fuckin' Four. Three years after losing 19 games.1 Two years after losing 17 games. One year after losing in the first round as one of the last teams in. One month after losing to USC. [pause] I… [pause] How far…
Your tears are so yummy and sweet
Un-fuckin'-believable. Nights like Thursday are why the NCAA men's basketball tournament is the greatest sporting event on Earth. So Gonzaga lost the game more than the Bruins won it. Doesn't matter. Survive and advance. Next: Memphis vs. UCLA rematch. Misery loves company. I'm-a spare Redick…
He would have made an excellent child molester
"This ain't no bank robbery!" I could listen to Denzel Washington say that line all day long. I love how indignant he sounds. If I had money, I'd pay Denzel to be my personal complainer. "This ain't no baja chalupa!" "That ain't no foul!" "This…
Lost in Translation
Previously on Adam Riff™: Each Thursday, I will recap the major plot developments from the previous night's episode of Lost. 2-16 "The Whole Truth" Sun: I'm pregnant. Jin: But I only shoot blanks… [pause] It's a miracle! Sun: Well… Jin: What? Sun: Nothing. Sun is…
This is a long drive for someone with nothing to think about
I wonder how much money Interscope is paying MTV to pimp The All-American Rejects. The Shield season five finale: Shed a tear. Lem's death ranks among the all-time tragic Hollywood endings — Fredo in The Godfather: Part II, Lefty in Donnie Brasco. This has been…