Ursa Major

ESPN's latest bracketology projections see UCLA potentially playing Duke in the third round of the NCAA tournament.

Of course, inconsistent UCLA must first beat Cal, who already beat UCLA earlier this season.

Thursday night, our beloved first-place Bruins visit Seamus' second-place Golden Bears for a UC showdown. Neither team can afford to lose. On the line: the Pac-10 conference title and tournament seeding.

To say I'm nervous is an understatement. That Powe fellow is trouble.

Pray with me, Mike.

next week:

Small Stories

Jord pitched me a few of his ideas for comedy shorts to be screened at a local comedy club.

"Manly sewing."

Has potential, I thought.

"Like, sewing rocks to a sheet of metal with a snake."



"Here's another one: Autoerotic asphyxi-Asian."

"Um… A comedy about an Asian person who suffocates himself to intensify a masturbation-induced orgasm?"

"No, like, an Asian dude who's in love with himself."

"Oh. In that case, you should use the pun 'affix-Asian' instead. The 'asphyxi-' prefix is misleading."

"Whatever. You're playing him either way."


"Remind me again — why did I move to Chicago?"

Super-Fun-Pak Comix: Special Free Speech Edition

Feeling sorta stuffy at the Red Roof Inn

Entertainment Weekly:

On the red carpet of the Golden Globes last month, [Steve] Carell passed Brokeback Mountain director Ang Lee, who saw him, spread his arms, and said, "My hero!"

currently listening to: "She's 25 years old and she's already had sex with 90 men. Tomorrow's Oprah."

Spoilers by Steven: Running Scared

paul walker had to stash a gun, he's a gangster
some kid steals the gun and shoots someone
if the police find the gun, then he's dead because his boss killed someone with that gun
so the whole movie is him running scared trying to find this kid

in the middle of the film the kid is running from his dad
and he hides in a van
some married couples van
long story short, it turns out the couple kill kids
they molest


More stuff from Wrestlemania week in Chicago. RVD has an autograph session at Popeye's Chicken in Waukegan from 4:30-6 p.m. on 3/29. Booker T will be at Popeyes Chicken in Round Lake Beach on 3/30 at 4:30-6 p.m. and Chris Benoit will be at Popeyes Chicken in Countryside on 3/31 from 4:30-6 p.m.

What a way to treat former World Heavyweight Champions. At least send them to a Boston Market.

Another Day in the Mall
one good reason to buy an xbox 360

The 25 Best Arrested Development Moments
where's mrs. featherbottom? her coffee table pratfall is top five material

Metal Gear Solid

When the Olympics end, the Paralympics begin, and damned if the 2006 Winter Paralympics don't sound way more interesting.

Alpine Skiing / Nordic Skiing
Blind skiers are guided through the course by sighted guides using voice signals to indicate the course to follow.

Ice Sledge Hockey
Instead of skates, players use two-blade sledges that allow the puck to pass beneath. They also have sticks with a spike-end for pushing and a blade-end for shooting.

Wheelchair Curling (new)
One modification — no sweeping.

Only four Winter Paralympic events exist, compared to 21 summer events (blind Judo!), but that's understandable. Can you imagine Paralympic luge or ski jumping?

Alas, no American network expressed any interest in covering this year's Winter Paralympics, although NBC has committed to broadcasting them in 2010.

Fortunately, paralympicsport.tv will provide over 100 hours of live coverage of all four events when the games begin March 10 in Torino.

Here's a sampling of the bonuses that countries will give to (non-dicapped) athletes who win an individual gold medal:

ITALY: $157,385 (130,000 Euros)
CZECH REPUBLIC: $42,762 (1 million koruna)
JAPAN: $25,582 (3 million yen)
U.S.: $25,000
SWITZERLAND: $15,587 (20,000 Swiss francs)
AUSTRALIA: $7,512 (10,000 Australian dollars)

Well, there is no "I" in Canada…


The Olympic Album
my turn to shill

The Squip in the Male

Apparently, I don't discuss music enough, so let's discuss music…in the context of 24! Speaking of which, RoboCop joins the cast next week.

But I digress.

On Sunday, Kiefer Sutherland visited the Observer's Record Doctor.

The Patient [Sutherland] was most impressed by the Futureheads: 'They have an energy that grabbed me. "Hounds of Love"s dramatic vocals and riffs got me straight away, and 'Decent Days and Nights' is a hectic punk tune. They're the refreshing antithesis of manufactured pop.'

While they will never be the Clash, Babyshambles made the Patient want to 'check out more of their music' on account of the line 'why would you pay to see me in a cage?'

'I like the Coldplay album a lot. Does that make me sound dated?'

Interesting read.

Sunday night, I caught the documentary trio of "The 750 Pound Man," "It's Not Easy Being a Wolf Boy," and "The Man Whose Arms Exploded" on the Learning Channel, during which time commercials aired for a TLC series called Little People, Big Dreams.

Not that I don't enjoy sideshow stories, but this is the type of stuff you learn about on Maury.

Of course, the History Channel seems to believe that time began and ended with World War II, so…

Monday night, I caught Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls on Cartoon Network.

Why is Cartoon Network airing live-action movies? — in primetime, no less!

It's not like "the CN" (eh?) has a shortage of cartoons. See: Boomerang.

If Cartoon Network must air live-action programming, why not some Learning Channel documentaries? They'd fit right in.

Tonight on Cartoon Network:
Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends followed by
My Gym Partner's a Monkey and
"The 750 Pound Man."

As if sister station TBS didn't already edit down the rhino scene in When Nature Calls, Cartoon Network edited the scene down even more. The fan breaks, fade to commercial.

That's the funniest scene in the movie!


5. A Doom that isn't a huge turd
2005, Directed by Paul Verhoeven or John Carpenter

So what happened?

The Chicago Cubs, that's what. The Cubs haven't won a World Series since 1908. Why? Because Cub fans sell out Wrigley Field every game, regardless of how bad the team is. Management makes money regardless of whether or not the team is winning, so why bother?

The Top Ten Sci-Fi Films That Never Existed
swell read

also swell:
Demetri Martin on MySpace
Bill Simmons on NBA All-Star Weekend

100-Minute Freestyle Event

Last summer, Rory and I hatched the idea for a series of international music compilations. What better time to issue the first one than during the Olympics.

Get to know your international hip-hop.

I'm sure there are better songs we could have used, but given our limited resources, I think we put together a rather enjoyable and interesting listen.

track listing:
Continue reading »

One hundred years of solitude

Previously on Adam Riff™: "Hey, Cunta Kinte, slavery was abolished! Act like a human being and store your waste in your little knockoff purse until you're near a fuckin' garbage can!"

Today, I saw another young black girl litter in a subway tunnel. She wore a puffy black jacket very similar to the original perpetrator's.

I officially declare war on young black girls in puffy black jackets who litter.

Lock and load, bitches.

Public libraries in Chicago just recently stopped using due date cards. I shouldn't compare Santa Clara County to Chicago, but by 2000, all our public libraries had automated checkout machines.

The Chinatown branch of the Chicago Public Library subscribes to SmackDown! magazine.

Da 'berger and the Masterpiece

Conversations I've had during a normal day in Los Angeles, modified to include the shocking depiction of racism found in Paul Haggis's 2004 [sic] film Crash

Terrence Howard will not be singing the Oscar-nominated "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp" at the 78th Academy Awards.

Instead, he believes it will be performed by the Memphis-based trio Three 6 Mafia.

Or, you know, Beyoncé could do it.

This should be interesting / challenge Björk for Oscar® music infamy.

Asterisked additions to the Neighborhood Watch:

The Shield: Rap Payback
only okay overall, but forest whitaker's scenes are magnificent television
Survivor: Crazy Fights, Snake Dinners
okay episode with an awesome immunity challenge

Lost in Translation

Hey hey! It's Thursday!

2-14 "One of Them"

Sayid: Who are you?
"Henry Gale."
Sayid: Like Dorothy's uncle in The Wizard of Oz?
Henry: Uh…
Sayid: You are one of them! You are an Other!
Henry: No, I'm not!
Sayid: Yes, you are!
Henry: No, I'm not!
Sayid: Whatever you say, rebel billionaire.

Sayid: He is one of them.
Locke: How are you so sure?
Sayid: I'm not, but this roll of duct tape and this plastic bag are!

Sayid: Who are you?
Henry: I told you!
Sayid: Lies! You are one of them!
Henry: I'm not lying!
Sayid: Yes, you are!
Henry: No, I'm not!
Sayid: [sings] "One of them" thinks he's not like the Others…

Sayid: How did your wife die?
Henry: Uh…
Sayid: Where did you bury your wife?
Henry: Um…
Sayid: If you really loved someone, you would kn—WHY OH WHY DID MAGGIE GRACE HAVE TO ASK FOR MORE MONEY?
[Sayid assaults Henry]

Jack: Sayid, stop! [to Locke] Open the door.
Locke: No.
Jack: Goddamn tree frogs…
Locke: That's not a tree frog, that's the mysterious timer! Let go of me! I need to push the mysterious button!
Jack: You can push the button after you tell me how to unlock the door.
Locke: Fine.
[Jack opens door]
Jack: Dammit, Sayid!
Joan: What if God was one of them?
[timer expires, hieroglyphics appear, Locke pushes button, hieroglyphics disappear]
Locke: [to the writers] Okay, I bought you some more time.

Sayid: Who are you?


Coming up on Lost:

Jack: Either you tell us what we want to know, or I will let Sayid use every piece of duct tape he has to drag it out of you.
Henry: [sigh] I don't have a wife; I have a life partner. I'm gay.

Rousseau: The unknown future rolls toward us. I face it, for the first time, with a sense of hope. Because if Sayid, a Torturer, can learn the value of human life, maybe we can too.

Robber Dinero

"No free lunch," my father used to say.

Except on game shows.

I often wonder why people apply for Jeopardy! or Survivor when other game shows offer considerably easier money.

Deal or No Deal and the either/or pricing games on The Price Is Right handsomely reward contestants for little or no effort.

Don't look now, but Fox wants in on the inaction action.



In a dramatic new television experiment, a diverse group of nine strangers are locked in a bunker, where they'll remain until they decide who is worthy of a 1.5-million-dollar cash prize. There is a catch, though, because the longer it takes to make a unanimous decision, the less money there will be to win.

I say choose someone immediately and then divide the money. Of course, that will never happen because C.R.E.A.M. (get the money / dollar, dollar bill, ya'll).

depict how the world would look if it were run by canadians
(and everyone was one)

tyra brings us the story of brokeback mountain using real-life examples

I'm too broke to go get drunk

Bret "Hit Man" Hart will be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame on April 1, 2006 in Chicago, IL.

Interesting date. This isn't another screw-job, is it?

Speaking of wrestling, the rumored host city of next year's WrestleMania is none other than Detroit, MI.

2006 Pitney Bowes Valentine's Day Survey

Television stars from whom people would most like to receive Valentine's Day cards:

For women:
Kiefer Sutherland (24): 21%
Patrick Dempsey (Grey's Anatomy): 16%
Omar Epps (House): 9%
Matthew Fox (Lost): 7%
Jason Bateman (Arrested Development): 7%

For men:
Jennifer Love Hewitt (Ghost Whisperer): 27%
Eva Longoria (Desperate Housewives): 18%
Molly Sims (Las Vegas): 4%
Kristin Cavallari (Laguna Beach): 3%
Sandra Oh (Grey's Anatomy): 2%

I dunno… A lot of men are gay for Jack Bauer.

I would have answered Jenna Fischer a.k.a. Pam Beesley on The Office. My crush intensifies with every episode. Le sigh.

Disneyland asked some stars about their greatest fears:
— Pop heartthrob Jesse McCartney fears being locked in a closet. [source]

While waiting for a bus today, I saw a black girl walk up to the bus stop and toss a AA battery onto the sidewalk, where it rolled into a tree gutter.

She then fitted her portable CD player with fresh batteries and nonchalantly surrendered the battery packaging to gravity.

What I should have said:

"Hey, Cunta Kinte, slavery was abolished! Act like a human being and store your waste in your little knockoff purse until you're near a fuckin' garbage can!"

What I said:


I bit my tongue and glared at her, silently bemoaning society's chivalric code.

yellow fever
howard stern's small penis contest

Blown (Away)

That's the best photo they could find?

Evidently, her job didn't cover dental.

I wonder if Lunchables box art has ever induced a seizure.

I've been out of the boxed juice scene for a while. Does Hi-C still produce Ecto Cooler? I didn't see any at the supermarket today and I kinda want some.

Edit: Dan informed me (via X-Entertainment) that Ecto Cooler is now "Shoutin' Orange Tangergreen." All is right with the world.

Dick Pound wants you to beat it.

Great Scott

Barney, Neil Patrick Harris' character on the (is it popular?) sitcom How I Met Your Mother, has a blog.

Excerpts from this week's entry "Brocabulary Lesson":

It's called "bro-ing out." It's akin to a "girls' night out."

The bro who accompanied me on my personal bro-ings on about town this weekend? Actually a chick. A smoking hot chick. Unorthodox, but surprisingly enjoyable. And yes, I totally broned her.

Encyclopedia Brotannica – Barney's Guide to Bronunciation
(Selected entries)

The P-L-Bro
A group of bros occupying the same brocation as your own brommunity.

1. A utopian bro-dom. 2. A strip club.

CBS paid someone to write this!

Fake blogs are usually satiric. Bored authors pose through prose for shits and giggles.

Ha ha. Jim Tressel being outrageous.

Barney's blog, on the other hand, plays it straight. What results is basically sitcom dialogue in blog form. When delivered by Neil Patrick Harris, Barney's blog entries might elicit laughter, but in print, they're just lame.

I'd totally read Doogie Howser's blog though.

o'reilly wants sharpton in chains
alberta prosperity cheques

Lost in Translation

Previously on Adam Riff™: Each Thursday, I will recap the major plot developments from the previous night's episode of Lost.

2-13 "The Long Con"

Ana-Lucia: Gun.
Jin: Gun.
Jack: Gun.
Locke: Gun.
Sawyer: I got your tickets to gun show right here! Mwahahaha!
Jack: This is the equivalent of a coup d'etat!

Sawyer (to Kate): You…just got served.

Sawyer (to Charlie): Thanks, yo. I could not have pulled this off without you. The rain machine was a nice touch. [pause] Heroin?
Charlie: Naw. These days, I get high on embarrassing Locke.

Next week: Tag team action between Jack/Locke and Sawyer/Charlie.

Jin: YOU kidnapped my wife?
Charlie: Even though I'm worse than a beast, don't I have the right to live?

people who need to shut up: rape victims

Steve French

After today, it will be illegal in California to throw standard batteries (AA, AAA, C and D) into the garbage. [source]

How the state intends to regulate household battery recycling is beyond me.

It's like grape thievery at a supermarket.

My mother bought me a wind-up flashlight. While I appreciate the innovation of a flashlight that operates without batteries, I don't think I've ever purposely used a flashlight in my life.

I'm tempted to pawn it for a few rounds of Skee-Ball.

Previously on Adam Riff™:

"USA Network has struck a deal to create a show based on the wildly successful extreme content online site eBaumsworld.

VH1 already airs an internet video clip show, and it stinks."

NBC is in talks with Carson Daly to emcee a series called Carson's Cyberhood, sort of an America's Funniest Web Videos.

Carson's Cyberhood? Leave it to television to completely emasculate web videos.

Speaking of wretched television trends…

VH1 has greenlighted a spin-off of "The Surreal Life" in which former housemates face off in challenges for a $100,000 prize.

I hear Joe Montana just signed on to be part of the next Surreal Life cast.

Alan Colmes on Hannity & Colmes [Monday] night on Fox News Channel said the Candice Michelle [GoDaddy] Super Bowl ad was his favorite.

A.C. does not make it easy to find redeeming qualities in him.

As seen on Entertainment Weekly's website:

Okay, "funny Tom Bergeron quote" is an oxymoron.

He should host a web video show.

Iran to publish Holocaust cartoons
Gary Busey plays Jew stealing human organs in Turkish film
Kanye West to record theme for Mission: Impossible 3