"You fucking Aussie cunt"

Kiefer Sutherland's drunk kung-fu

The '24' star is said to have gone into Los Angeles' Ye Rustic Inn bar at 9am and asked staff to start him a tab.

Presented with the bill, Sutherland claimed he couldn't pay, telling bar staff: "It's been stolen! I promise I'll come back and pay."

The handsome star then proceeded to launch himself into a "series of karate kicks in the middle of the floor."

Just last month:

Boozed-up 24 star Kiefer flat out in hotel lobby after wrecking Xmas tree on 7-hour bender with pals

He staggered around the entrance hall, entertaining pals with a bizarre, flailing breakdancing routine.

It was then that a huge Christmas tree caught his eye.

"I hate that fucking Christmas tree," he declared. "The tree HAS to come down."

Dude needs his own reality series. Jack Bauer Happy Hour.

Kiefer Sutherland Is My New Boyfriend
"I think a posting by a girl named 'Lisa' on a Kiefer Sutherland fan site best described the way I feel about him."

Moulin Rouge 2?

The BBC plans to mark the crucifixion and resurrection of Christ this Easter with an hour-long live procession through the streets of Manchester.

In the programme, called Manchester Passion, Jesus will sing the legendary Joy Division anthem "Love Will Tear Us Apart" before dueting his arch-betrayer Judas on the New Order hit "Blue Monday."

Mary Magdelene, the penitent whore of the New Testament, is being lined up to sing the Buzzcocks hit "Ever Fallen in Love."

The climax of the event sees Jesus sing the Smiths classic song "Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now" as he is being flayed by Roman soldiers. He will then come face-to-face with his Roman prosecutor Pontius Pilate with the two of them singing a duet of the Oasis hit "Wonderwall." [source]

Boston City Limits

In my inbox:

The Screening Exchange Proudly Invites You To An Exclusive Movie Screening Of: "STEPPIN' OUT: SAVE THE LAST DANCE 2"

Normally I loathe "electric boogaloo" jokes, but this movie deserves one.

Save the Last Dance? Are you kidding me?

Direct-to-video sequels are by no means new, but only recently have studios aggressively pursued them beyond animated, horror and sci-fi franchises, capitalizing on consumer indiscrimination.

If: Americans love buying DVDs
and: we're more inclined to buy a product with a name we recognize
then: Carlito's Way: Rise to Power, Single White Female 2: The Psycho, 8MM 2, American Pie Presents: Band Camp, 8 Seconds 2, The Butterfly Effect 2, House Party 5, Hollow Man 2, The Sandlot 2, Dr. Dolittle 3 and, of course, Steppin' Out: Save the Last Dance 2

Unnecessary? Absolutely. But they sell!

"American Pie Presents: Band Camp was the most popular DVD purchase during the week ended January 1." [source]

"As of Oct. 5, Carlito's Way: Rise to Power ranked No. 3 in overall DVD sales at Best Buy, topping Lost and Desperate Housewives." [source]

"'There is an increasing desire for these products,' says Tom Siegrist, VP of production for Fox Home Entertainment Productions." [source]

I don't think it's desire insomuch as it is indifference. No one desired a sequel to Save the Last Dance, but people will watch one because it's something to watch.

Sequels borne out of apathy — twisted business.

Actual ad on Daily Kos:

Haha. "A date with Dateline…and the cops!"

Knock knock.
Who's there?

Lazy Saturday

20 things we would rather do than hear that "Beverly Hills" song ever again:
1) Visit the dentist
2) Wait in line at the DMV
3) Live in Arkansas
4) Vote
5) Zip our dicks up in our jeans
6) Fall into the gorilla exhibit at the zoo and get gang raped by all the gorillas at once
7) Read
8) Make out with Rip Taylor
9) Accidentally sit on our nuts
10) Skin our dickheads with a carrot peeler
11) Watch Bushwick Bill from The Geto Boys fingerbang our sisters
12) Deliver a retard baby
13) Wax Buzz from The Melvins' back and taint
14) Masturbate with broken shards of glass
15) Tattoo an un-circumcised dong onto our chests
16) Funnel stomach bile mixed with trucker cum and "rrhea"
17) Sew vagina lips onto our forehead
18) Shave Oprah's gunt
19) Titty-fuck Star Jones
20) Go to the Warped Tour without a gun

1. (above) Buddyhead's Best and Worst Records of 2005

2. The Second Annual MySpace Stupid Haircut Awards

3. The "burrito artists" at the local Chipotle always ask if I want lettuce in my burrito. Who puts lettuce in a burrito?

Computer Camp Love

USA Network has struck a deal to create a show based on the wildly successful extreme content online site eBaumsworld (www.ebaumsworld.com).

The show will feature clips from the website as well as new, exclusive content, and interviews with past and new eBaumsworld video subjects who will be asked to account for their outlandish behavior — if they dare.

Anyone remember CNet Central or the Ain't It Cool News television series?

Television adaptations of the internet do not work.

Besides, VH1 already airs an internet video clip show, and true to form, it stinks, though mainly because host Patrice O'Neal is woefully unfunny.

Sit, Ubu, Sit

Sunday is Chinese New Year's Day.

1982 represent!

My year, the Year of the Dog, hath returned.

What does it mean to be a dog?

People born in the Year of the Dog possess the best traits of human nature. They have a deep sense of loyalty, are honest, and inspire other people's confidence because they know how to keep secrets. But Dog People are somewhat selfish, terribly stubborn, and eccentric. They care little for wealth, yet somehow always seem to have money. They can be cold emotionally and sometimes distant at parties. They can find fault with many things and are noted for their sharp tongues. Dog people make good leaders. They are compatible with those born in the Years of the Horse (1978), Tiger (1986), and Rabbit (1987).

In other words, Dog People are Dwight Schrute.

There must be a better term than "Dog People." Dog Soldiers? Ruff Ryders?

Pity the Cock People of 1981.

Anyway, I understand skepticism toward horoscopes, but I think that's a fairly accurate description of me. I can't speak for the rest of "dog nation" though.

My mother sent me an e-mail regarding Chinese New Year's Day.

On January 28th, from 11 P.M. onwards to Jan 29, 11 P.M., there are certain restrictions that should be observed, to ensure good luck and prosperity in the new year.

You should not eat crab, yams, mustard greens, daikon, grapes which includes wine, pumpkin seeds, duck eggs. However, you should eat dragoneye fruits, green apples, oranges, white sesame seeds, and bananas.

You should not wear these colors: tops should not be green, black or pink. Skirts or pants should not be yellow or grey. You should wear these colors: orange or red tops, and brown or blue pants or skirts.

However, there are a few more restrictions for special Chinese zodiac animals: Tiger (1986), horse (1978), dog (1982), snake (1977), rooster (1981), ox (1985).

They should not eat pears, all kinds of squash, shrimp, lobster, fish without scales like eels, and sweet rice.

The above animals should not wear black hats, or pink/white/red color accessories, including pendants and rings. They should not wear white/red/brown tops, and purple or green pants. They also should not go to graveyards or disaster areas.

Leave it to the Chinese to make New Year's Day a fuckin' brainteaser.

I'll be sure not to celebrate at a cemetery, mom!

Big Dogs' t-shirt designs are reliably lame and tacky, but this shirt just might be the lamest and tackiest one the company has ever produced.

Everything right is wrong again

The BEAST 50 Most Loathsome People in America, 2005

48. Larry the Cable Guy
Ostensibly 'humorous' catchphrase translates into "complete the task."

31. Rita Cosby
Her banter with Joe Scarborough kills children.

23. Jennifer Wilbanks
Wast[ed] the entire nation's time and attention without actually being abducted and killed.

Essential reading.


Bag scan!

Pictured: "Car fanatic" Apolo Ohno looking very…gold'n.

Not sure why McDonald's replaced the "e" with an apostrophe. Urban spellcheck, I suppose.

I can't help but think of Eric Bischoff's "special" nephew Eugene after winning Kurt Angle's Olympic gold medal in the "Angle Invitational."

Of course, the medal around Eugene's neck isn't made of international translations of "I'm lovin' it."

Or is it "I'm lov'n' it?"

Other side!

Gold'n boy looks like he's about to fall.

Ohno: Oh no!

Apparently, he casts a shadow of the same linguistic substance as his medal. Either that or he has a doppelganger — a Dark Link, if you will. Gold'n Ohno.

Close-up of the copy:

Technically, he's only half-golden (no apostrophe?). His mother is white.

Know what that copy reminds me of?

For the record, I don't eat at McDonald's. It was late, I wanted ice cream, they sell decent dollar sundaes. End of story.


Ben 10

what is this song

keep listening
i'm like 30 seconds in
this is very odd
i keep expecting this to break into

keep listening
man with the dogs*
i KNEW i heard it

…man with the dogs?
whatever the song was called
hahahaha. man with the dogs, eh?
you're gonna blog about this, aren't you?

Dude runs a music blog!

*man in the box

Ain't no fussin' with Robitussin

Burger King's "text to score" contest:

Detroit…or Hawaii?

Detroit in February…or Hawaii?

Detroit. Hawaii.

I saw Jewel as a judge on Iron Chef America.

Jewel critiquing lamb dishes on cable television is…

Bar None candy bars with caramel
Francis Ford Coppola directing Jack
"In a World Gone Mad" by the Beastie Boys
Jake "The Snake" Roberts in Beyond the Mat
Magic Johnson inviting Howard Stern on his talk show to fart
Make Believe by Weezer
Married…with Children with Seven
Return of the Jedi
Robert DeNiro quoting Taxi Driver in The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle
Vegas Vacation

Meh. Darko did it better.

Seal Testicles

Muslim murderers global are now taking names for suicide bomber squads who have AIDS. The Islamic fanatics have refined their murder craft now to include death by AIDS splash. [source]

Meep meep!

Perhaps this will inspire a fantastic new nightly spectacle at Disneyland Africa.

"I didn't kill my wife!"
"Get off my plane!"
"You'll get the money, when I get my family!"

No one belligerently captures the plot of a film in one line like Harrison Ford.
I'd pay good money just to hear him read quotes from Duke Nukem 3D.

What does it say about America when Kraft sees a viable market for pre-crumbled cheese?

Avril Lavigne will perform during the closing ceremonies of the 2006 Winter Olympics as part of a ceremony that will preview the next Winter Games, which will be held in Lavigne's home and native land of Canada in 2010.

She's the best Canada has to offer?

I shudder to think who will perform at the opening ceremony in Vancouver.

"Chickity China licky boom boom down!"

Interesting how the day after the Canadian elections is the "most depressing day of the year."

"that commercial is jandek"

Lights and Sounds

Kaiju Shakedown reviewed Zinda, the Bollywood remake of Oldboy.

"So what are the differences? First of all, Gupta seemed to feel that samurai sword fighting was an essential piece of the movie that Park Chan-Wook had missed."

"Gupta feels it's important to start off with Sanjay drunk, like Choi Min-Shik in OLDBOY, but then he needs to show us that actually Sanjay, for complicated reasons we never really learn, is merely pretending to be drunk. Then Sanjay is abducted (we later learn that he is knocked unconscious after being shot with a crossbow by a guy in a party boat)."

To be fair, Bollywood Oldboy doesn't sound that much more absurd than Oldboy director Park Chan-Wook's next film: I'm a Cyborg, But It's OK.

"The story of a young girl in a mental asylum who believes she is a combat cyborg and falls in love with a boy who thinks he can steal people's souls with a machine he created."

liveblogging the strokes' new album
make garfield funny

Dwight Dwight Dwight Dwight Dwight

TOM CRUISE has given his pregnant fiancee KATIE HOLMES a unique 27th birthday present — a DVD compendium of every movie he has acted in.

The WAR OF THE WORLDS star, 43, decided there was no better gift for his wife-to-be than a full history of his long and fruitful career.

A source tells British newspaper the Daily Express, "Each was inscribed with a special handwritten love message to the future mother of his child."

"You can be my wingman anytime. Love, Maverick."
"Respect the cock! And enjoy Magnolia! Ha, ha! Love, Tom."


But is it as crazy as Mel Gibson inserting a hidden frame of himself into the trailer for Apocalypto or Jeff Conaway on Celebrity Fit Club 3?

Temporary Insanity

Matt on yesterday's update:
your high school looks like a combination between warehouses and the bathroom houses at a beach
blame portables
which i'm not fond of
yeah, are they like little cabins for each class room?
dondero didn't have any portables?
the fuck? no. we had one big building. a high school
my gf informs me they're for overflow?

did your high school have any portables?
i'm not sure what those are
so i doubt it

did your high school have any portables?
no, but i've heard about them

did your high school have any portables?

Mind: blown.

I honestly thought portables were a staple of contemporary K-12 schools. All the schools I've ever attended had portable classrooms. Hell, I've seen schools composed entirely of portables!

see, this is why i call you sheltered.
they're extremely uncommon outside of california.

Silly me…

Dumb as paint

During high school, the school district decided to remodel our campus.

I'm all for modernizing facilities, but I cringed and still cringe over the color scheme this remodel involved.

Black, tan and sienna buildings turned…

powder blue and mauve.

The school looks like a hospital.

Without question, the worst cosmetic faux pas is the gymnasium.

The gym was painted blue. I repeat, the gym is BLUE.

If Violet Beauregarde and Paul Giamatti's character in Big Fat Liar taught us anything, it's that cream-colored things look ridiculous when blue.

My elementary school completed its remodel last year.

Brown and cream buildings turned…

pistachio and purple.

Note the two marked doors.

What separates the men from the boys? 20 feet.

I know, I'm a shitty photographer.