I spent Christmas in a detox ward

"Hi. Do you have any open flights to the Bay Area?"
"We have a flight to San Jose at 9:20."
"How much?"
"$307.70 one-way."
"[sigh] Sign me up."

Smart travelers book their holiday plane flights in July. I waited to book mine in early December. While I didn't expect cheap flights, the fares quoted to me were outrageous. To cut costs, I delayed my return home for a week, skipping Christmas for New Year's with the family.

MDW to SFO on ATA: $226.70.

The day before my flight, I checked in online. When you check in online, you print your own boarding pass. Foreseeing no particular use for a printer in Chicago, I left mine at home when I moved. I figured I'd print my boarding pass at the airport with an e-ticket machine.

My flight departed at 7:00 am. I stayed up the night before, as I usually do before early morning flights, so I could sleep the flight away.

When I arrived at the airport, I encountered light traffic at every airline's ticket counters — except ATA's. It looked like 80% of the people at Midway were flying ATA.

No worries, I thought. I shall bypass that horrendous line with an e-ticket machine.

I entered my reservation code.


The machine could not locate my reservation.

Another machine yielded the same result.

I asked the e-ticket overseer for help.

"Sorry. My computer can't print anything. You have to get in line."

I've waited in long lines before. I was among the travelers at LAX when airports first re-opened following September 11.

I assumed, however, that someone from ATA would survey the line for passengers in danger of missing their flights and hurry them along.

Perhaps I'm naive.

A ticketing agent finally saw me at 6:50 am.

What's worse than just missing a bus or a train?

Just missing a cross-country plane flight because you didn't have a printer.

"I'm-a put you on standby for our next flight to San Francisco."
"The flight leaves at 2:30."

I checked my watch. 7:00 am.

No way I was waiting around in an airport for seven hours on no sleep.

I decided to eat the $50 ATA refund fee and find an earlier flight out.

To recap:
no printer
$50 ATA refund fee
$307.70 Southwest planet ticket

Passing through security, I was directed to what appeared to be a secret security checkpoint. I soon learned why.

"Sir, step over here for a minute."

Apparently, my shoes alarmed.

Security workers spent a good 10 minutes examining my year-old DC skate shoes, scanning them and disassembling and whatnot.

Their supervisor then filed an "alarm report" before releasing me.

"Is this normal?"

I began to suspect the girl sitting beside me was retarded, like Charlize Theron's character on Arrested Development.

"What, turbulence? Well, I think it's normal when you're flying through thick cloudage."

Her follow-up:
"Do you fly a lot?"

I've come to realize that "begin our descent into" means "prepare for 30 minutes of an uncomfortable upright seat and no electronic devices."

"I'm never flying again. When I flew out to Chicago…"

Another stretch of turbulence.

"Do you live in Chicago?" I inquired.

"No, I live in San Jose. I just spent a month on vacation."

In Chicago. In December.

"I stayed with my uncle. He lives an hour outside the city though, in the suburbs. I'm so happy to be home."

Some vacation…

At this point, she teared up.

"My mom only bought me a one-way ticket to Illinois and never bothered to inform me! She's currently in the Philippines!"


Heard over the public address system as I proceeded to baggage claim at Mineta International:

"Paging Gang Bang. Gang Bang, please report to the baggage service office."

They were probably trying to track down some Vietnamese dude, but it sure sounded like "Gang Bang" to me.

I pray my flight to Los Angeles on Thursday is considerably less dramatic.

Happy New Year, motherfuckers.

Lame Duck

Inspired by my Page Six piece, I proceeded with a "Super Fun-Pak Comix"-ish year-in-review.

I wasn't happy with the results and wanted to scrap the whole project, but I hate to see work go to waste.

Adam Riff™ (unfinished) Comics Page 05

Note the Williams Street aesthetic.

Stan's Year In List Form is way better.

He forgot T.J. Houshmandzadeh and DeCody Fagg

I received our gas bill for the month of December.


Afternoon Delight

A while back, I posted about a Bollywood remake of Oldboy.

Don't look now, but here comes a Bollywood remake of Fight Club.

"Everyone has their issues, but it can be sorted out. Welcome to Fight Club."

The first rule of Fight Club? Fosse!

First look at The Marine, a film produced by WWE and starring WWE Champion John Cena:

you can't see me

Cena plays an injured Marine who returns from the Gulf War to find his girlfriend (Kelly Carlson — "Kimber" on Nip/Tuck) inadvertently caught up in the kidnapping plot of a murderous diamond thief. He must race against the clock to save her life and stop the thief from pulling off an elaborate crime.

Earlier this year, Cena played Tom Cruise's role in a short parody of A Few Good Men for WrestleMania 21. Freed from the restrictions of his wigger thug character, Cena's acting honestly impressed me.

Bret Hart is living in Italy with no plans on coming back to North America until the Aladdin play starts.

Great Odin's raven… He's reprising his role!

It's a bloke thing

1. I saw Wolf Creek on Christmas Day. During the first half of the film, the gentleman sitting in front of me played Tetris on his cell phone.

2. The line "I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you" should be banned from screenwriting. It's become entirely lame.

3. Not lame: the tagline for Last Holiday.

Bravo, copywriter(s).

4. A SeaWorld in San Antonio is like a Disneyland in Flint rollercoasters at Marine World liquid sunshine a Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's court.

A SeaWorld in San Antonio is like the plot of Black Knight.

5. Adventures in Google Fighting:

The Gonzaga forward routs the Bears' rookie quarterback…

but proves no match against the White Stripes' leading man.

Even Das Führer's iconic 'stache struggles to beat Three Quid.

Meg White yields more results than Adam Morrison and Kyle Orton combined.

Gonna take pollution down to zero

Capcom announced an update of the original NES Mega Man title for the PSP with a cartoon visual style.

Mega Man and crew now have over-sized cartoon heads.

No word on whether you can still breeze through boss battles by repeatedly pausing the game.

I wonder how Capcom would update Bonk's Adventure.

Kim Returns to 24!
Siskel and Ebert curse each other out and plan to overthrow the government while taping promos

Blog the swag

Rivals published a list of gift packages presented by bowl games to college football players.

How the fuck did the Alamo Bowl land Xbox 360s? Each bowl must provide 125 gift packages per team. That's 250 Xbox 360s!

This is how we reward Michigan for falling from first to fifth in the Big Ten? With Xbox 360s?

Penn State players only receive PSPs, and they won the conference! Hell, USC and Texas players only receive PSPs, and they're competing for the national championship!

Meanwhile, the Peach Bowl committee realizes they ordered the wrong Xbox.

Australia is Arkansas with a beach

Left on the printing room floor this year…

WHICH leader of the free world played guitar while images of poor dying citizens flashed all over the world?

We heard 'em say… THAT Paul Martin bleached his body after a recent trip to Mexico… THAT Michelle Malkin masturbates to The Killing Fields… THAT Late Registration is the greatest musical achievement since Beethoven's 5th.

Sightings: Tony Blair cheering on the driver of a car dragging a homosexual to death in the parking lot of Millennium Stadium.

Make Your Hands Say Ugh

Both ABC and Showtime are reportedly in talks with Arrested Development producers about picking up the struggling comedy.


Yes, so they can pair it with Freddie or According to Jim. ABC hasn't had a decent sitcom since It's Like, You Know…

Why is NBC not in pursuit? 8:00-10:00 pm: Arrested, Scrubs, Earl, Office — that's money! Blows "Must See TV" away…

What do you think has higher turnaround: a telemarketing position or "the world's oldest person"?

I saw Blue Collar Comedy dolls on sale at Walgreens yesterday. Two for $10.

I'm not sure why anyone would want a doll of Bill Engvall or Ron White, but I was tempted to buy one of Larry the Cable Guy just to ejaculate on its face.

Did I mention the dolls talk?

[fap fap fap]
[fap fap splat]
"That ain't right, Lord. I apologize for that right there and be with the starving pygmies in New Guinea. Amen."

Fellate me as I eat this expensive ham

Presenting the 2005 Adam Riff™ holiday compilation album, an epic smorgasbord of audio, most of which you'll probably delete after a cursory listen.

With the rise of digital audio players, we discontinued physical distribution this year in favor of downloading. In consideration of those who still use CD players, however, we split the compilation into three volumes, each of which should fit onto an 80-minute CD without pauses between tracks.

We asked Ben to curate a second disc as an alternative to ours. Two became three when we couldn't keep our dicks in our pants. Ideally, volumes 1 and 2 would be played together as a seamless whole.

All we ask in return is that you place yourselves on our Dreidel Robbers map. This is an experiment just waiting to humiliate us, but let's try it anyway.

So now then.

Dreidel Robbers map

Dreidel 2 The Grave: Volume 1
Dreidel 2 The Grave: Volume 2
Dreidel 2 The Grave: Volume 3
("save as," please)

Each folder contains customized .pdf liner notes. We recommend printing them in Adobe Acrobat for quality.

For those printing outside of Acrobat (i.e. in Photoshop), use the .tif liner notes instead.

Audio Almanac
indie and adult contemporary

Two Oh Oh Five
indie, aussie and "other"

Drink at the funeral, piss on the corpse

Undeveloped, I know, but I'm preoccupied with the holiday compilation.

Survivor: Skull Island.

Bruce actor

"The person who shoots the most giant bugs off Adrien Brody's body with a tommy gun wins reward. Wanna know what you're playing for?"

"Kong, you may choose one person to watch the sunset with you on the mountain ledge."

endurance challenge: hold on to a rotating fallen tree trunk
after an hour, the trunk begins tumbling

obstacle course challenge:
– outrun a brontosaurus stampede

– wade through a pond full of like likes (above)
– climb up vines
– grab a giant bat wing and glide down to the finish line

"I shoulda attended Stanford!"

Tribal Council

"The person voted out will be asked to leave the Tribal Council area immediately."

"The tribe has spoken."

"Wait, she's wearing the immunity necklace…"

The ESPN Effect
"I hate it. I hate that show [Around the Horn]. But I hear a cash register going off in my head when I do it."

If being elitist just means "not the stupidest motherfucker in the room" then yes, Im an elitist.

The 10 Worst Album Covers of 2005

Beaten with a pillowcase full of batteries

In development at Spike TV:

"Big Iron," in which regular guys get the chance to operate heavy machinery.

Curb your enthusiasm…

Sci Fi Channel has acquired off-network airings of the daytime drama series "Passions."

"'Passions' dramatic blend of magic, romance, the supernatural and fantasy makes it an ideal choice for Sci Fi's morning line up."

Considering most of Sci Fi's programming, a soap opera isn't much of a stretch.

The only "Passions" footage I've ever seen was during a commercial for some "Passions" natural disaster event.

No one told me there was magic and fantasy! Shit… What have I been missing?

passions is fucked up
there was a monkey
and like a creepy midget man/kid
a really fucked up soap opera

sounds like trapped in the closet
they're similar

Premiering in March on FX:

"Black, White"
A six-part documentary series about two families — the Sparkses, a black family from Atlanta, and the Wurgels, a Caucasian family from Santa Monica, California — who share a home in Tarzana, California, during which Oscar-nominated makeup effects artist Keith VanderLaan makes the Sparks family appear white and the Wurgels appear black.

I smell ratings!

Best Movie Villain 05 nominees
Peter Stormare (as Satan) — Constantine
Jin-tae Yu (as Lee Woo-jin) — Oldboy
Ian McDiarmid (as Supreme Chancellor Palpatine) — Revenge of the Sith
Joe Soares (as Canadian Wheelchair Rugby Coach) — Murderball
William Hurt (as Richie Cusack) — A History of Violence

Burn your money, children, for you do not trust in God

"3-2-1, 1-2-3, what the heck is bothering me?"
— Carl Winslow

"Serenity now!"
— Frank Costanza

I haven't exploded in anger since the spring of 2000 (publicly berated a cast member of the school musical — she quit the next day), but boy did I want to stab Chad and Jord in their carotids this past weekend.

I shit you not. I seriously considered gilling them with a serrated knife.

Thank God for therapy, eh?

Jon Yu? Capable of violence? Indeed. Ask my brother about the time I threw a screwdriver at his left eye and missed by two centimeters. He refuses to let me forget.

I'm not proud of my inner Hulk — who would be? — but prolonged exposure to moronic behavior can compel even the Dalai Lama to snap.

"Listening to The Forecast and Action Action, man, is like rinsing your ear canals in manna."

In fairness to Chord Joad, I put myself in a position where my breaking point came within reach.

We'll call it a "push."

Do you believe in what? It's a comedy, not The Great Gatsby!

Also: How can you poll people on such a weighty subject beside that ridiculous photo of Jim Carrey?

Elephant Cocaine

San Francisco Chronicle television writer Tim Goodman:

You might recall I've been off the "24" bandwagon since the third season. But someone at Fox recently told me what's going to happen this year and it's such a stunner that, well, I'm loving the unknown again, now that I know.

The ads for the season premiere declare: "The only thing more shocking than the first 10 minutes is the way it ends."

Shocking. Stunner.

January can't arrive soon enough.

Yeah, I could read spoilers, but that would defeat the whole point of watching a serial. I'm fine driving myself mad with speculation for a few weeks.

Jack is the Carver!

japanese 24 with carlos bernard
elisha cuthbert's nhl hockey blog

Said the gramophone

One of these things is not like the other:

Best Long Form Music Video
* No Direction Home
Martin Scorcese, video director

* Trapped In The Closet (Chapters 1-5)
R. Kelly & Jim Swaffield, video directors

* End Of The Century: The Story Of The Ramones
Jim Fields & Michael Gramaglia, video directors

* Devils & Dust
Danny Clinch, video director;

* Brian Wilson Presents Smile
John Anderson & David Leaf, video directors

Hey Scorsese! What's worse than losing an award for directing to Kevin Costner? Losing one to R. Kelly.

Disaprin come from within

Mel Gibson's production company is developing a miniseries set against the backdrop of the Holocaust.

This graf caught my eye:

"Mel Gibson has denied blaming the Jews for the death of Jesus Christ and has made clear he believes the Holocaust happened."

What kind of world do we live in when Mel Gibson has to make clear that he believes the Holocaust happened?

Whether or not Mel Gibson believes the Holocaust happened shouldn't matter to people. News flash: He also believes in immaculate conception.

I type this with three inflamed taste buds and a canker sore. My mouth looks like a Thai girl's vagina.

is porn, is not porn

Jay-Z, Jay-Z, it's D-D-P

Former wrestler Diamond Dallas Page is suing Jay-Z, claiming the hip-hop heavyweight illegally adopted his trademark hand gesture — the "Diamond Cutter" — as his own.

Page's lawyer, George Gallegos, said Page brought legal action against the Def Jam CEO in order to protect his livelihood.

because a hand gesture is integral to his acting career

"People would come up to him and ask him if he was letting Jay-Z use it or if he had licensed it to him," Gallegos said of the symbol, which he claims his client created in 1996 and copyrighted years ago. "People [would also] say he's using Jay-Z's sign."

were these people by any chance agents and lawyers?

"If you look at [Jay-Z's] 'Encore' video you can see fans using the 'Diamond Cutter' sign, and in video of Diamond Dallas … if you only looked at the fans from both those tapes, you'd think it's the same person performing," Gallegos said.

gaudy misspelled signage notwithstanding

"The way that it's being used by Jay-Z and Roc-A-Fella is taking value away from it and creating confusion upon the public."

1. the "diamond cutter" still has value?

2. what confusion? page retired from wrestling and jay-z retired from recording and rarely performs live

Who Page ought to sue is (active) wrestler Randy Orton for stealing his "diamond cutter" finishing move.

When Diamond Dallas Page debuted in the then World Wrestling Federation, he played the stalker of The Undertaker's wife, whom announcers referred to as "Sara Undertaker."

I never understood the logic behind her surname. It's very "Luigi Mario."

I mean, The Rock's wife isn't Dani Rock.

To be fair, The Ultimate Warrior's wife is, in fact, Dana Warrior, but only because he legally changed his name. His daughters were born Indiana and Mattigan Warrior.

They're "The Warriors"!

If The Punisher married Tony's sister, would she henceforth be Jane Jane or Jane Punisher?

[tries hard to refrain from cracking a "Richard Punisher" joke]