Rise of Apocalypse

Doomriders with Lorene Drive @ Beat Kitchen, 11/29/2005
Black Thunder / Deathbox / Ride or Die / The Chase / Fuck This Shit / Listen Up!! / Worthless / The Whipcrack / Sirens / The Long Walk

I didn't stay for headliners Cave In.

For a band named "Doomriders," they're disappointingly ordinary-looking, but clubs are for rockin', not spectacle, and rock they did.

Front man Nate Newton (Converge) is hysterical.

"It's cold outside but we are raging!"

"We are shredding the shit out of you right now!"

"During the last song's guitarmony, it looked like we were slapping our dicks together!"

After the quickest set change I've ever witnessed, Nate reluctantly put his shirt back on because the sound guy wasn't ready.

He also freestyle rapped and mocked an emo photographer with "girly hair."

"I like it. You're pretty."

Good times.

Queer Eye for the Jedi

I digitally put Jabba the Hutt back into the original Star Wars movie! I do what I want!

Worked a Doc screening of Star Wars: Episode IV: A New Hope Monday night.

Correction: Star Wars: Episode IV: A New Hope: Special Edition: 1997.

It's odd to have to specify which version of Star Wars played — the original 1977 release (Han shoots first), the 1997 special edition (Greedo shoots first) or the 2004 special edition (Han and Greedo shoot at the same time) — but I won't knock Lucas' revisionist tendencies because I repeatedly revise my work too post-posting.

Besides, the revisions in the 1997 special edition are minor, save for the computer-generated Jabba, which does NOT hold up well. What was cutting-edge then now looks like a character from The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius.

To this day, Lucas' decision to leave the Star Wars universe's graphics technology intact bothers me immensely.

I detest how the graphics on the monitors inside the Millennium Falcon's turrets and the X-wing starfighters consist of grids and basic shapes and how during the Rebel Alliance pilot briefing, a screen depicts the destruction of the Death Star with a circle and a line and then an (ugh) asymmetrical dotted asterisk.

Apparently, a galaxy full of elaborate spacecraft and droids cannot engineer video graphics more sophisticated than an Atari 2600's.

Turds of Justice

Holiday weekend ramblings as I prepare to depart:

1. The dentist charged me half-price for cavity fillings.

2. Newspapers sold out like Xbox 360s on the day before Thanksgiving. I pictured women camped out beside vending machines and copies of the Chronicle selling on eBay for upwards of $1000.

3. At one point, the masseuse rubbed me with what felt like sandpaper.

I assumed he was using the back of a hand but wondered how someone who works with oils and lotions for a living could possibly have rough hands.

Rory: Perhaps he used his cheeks, his stubbly cheeks

4. Every time I return home, there's a new cordless phone on the family work desk. I'm beginning to suspect that my mother is actually X-Man Rogue.

5. My parents refuse to turn on the heater in a house that doesn't retain heat.

My father: "Turn on the heater? But it's 63°!"

Feels like 36°.

Even when the temperature drops at night, the climate is still warmer outdoors than in.

6. My mother inquired whether or not I'd be home for Christmas. If she continues boycotting the heater, I might be better off staying in Chicago.

7. All anybody (in California, at least) ever has to say about Chicago is that it's "really cold."

I could tell someone that I rape and murder puppies in Chicago and they'd probably remark, "You must be a cold human being…because Chicago's, like, really cold and shit."

8. My father grabbed a chunk of my slacks.

"This fabric is so thin. Buy some thermal underwear or your dick will shrivel up."

"Does your dick ever shrivel up?" my mother asked.

9. I received a fortune cookie fortune that read: "Remember to share good fortune as well as bad with your friends. [smiley face]"

Satan: "Yeeesss, share your bad fortune with others…"

10. My brother watches Grey's Anatomy.

Handguns for hearts

Q: What did Nick say to Jessica in a last-ditch effort to preserve their marriage?
A: Give me just one night…una noche! (in a bad Tex-Mex accent)

actual ad on the website for "America's most-watched network"

Is it a Wallflowers song or a show on Fuse?

01. allnighter
02. bleeders
03. 4 play
04. heroes
05. hollywood
06. marcha
07. nearly beloved
08. 7th avenue drop
09. sleepwalker
10. steven's untitled rock show
11. the dive
12. three ways

answers: 1. F | 2. WF | 3. F | 4. WF | 5. WF | 6. F | 7. WF | 8. F | 9. WF | 10. F | 11. F | 12. WF

What's with all the animated penguins this year?

Madagascar, The Madagascar Penguins in a Christmas Caper, Happy Feet, a Coca-Cola commercial…

Meanwhile, jealous of Chilly Willy's recent spike in Bat Mitzvah bookings, Woody tries to sell the French on a documentary about woodpeckers.

"Heh-heh-heh-HEH-heh! Heh-heh-heh-cough-hack-wheeze… Le emphysema."

I'm-a animate a short film in which a bunch of penguins die of bird flu — a bunch of BABY penguins!

Death March of the Penguins.

Actually, scrap that.

The film will center around Burgess Meredith mass-cloning himself, perhaps to battle an army of Danny DeVitos.

Rappers like to rap about abortion, specifically how their mothers should have had 'em.

NOW ought to chew on that the next time they protest hip-hop misogyny.

Trains, Planes and Automatons

The first thing my mother said to me upon my return home?

"You have an appointment with the masseuse on Thursday."


Ten hours, three airports, a few notes:

I encountered not one but two Fox News Channel stores on the same concourse at MSP International. To my dismay, they were just regular airport convenience stores with televisions tuned to Fox News.

Fun fact: Fox News Channel's stores sell The New York Times.

While eating at Cinnabon, Midway's public address system informed me that "Catholic mass will be held in the chapel at 11:30 a.m."

I wonder if it's available for weddings.

Mad's new magazine for kids has spoofs of Wallace and Gromit and Lemony Snicket, plus Spy vs. Spy Jr.

But Mad IS a magazine for kids! No one starts reading Mad as an adult.

I suppose if Muppet Babies worked, so can…Spy vs. Spy Jr.

I may be Asian, but I hate removing my shoes at security checkpoints.

Fuck you, shoe bomber. Fuck you very much.

Peanut Butter Jelly Time



Anyone who loves Thanksgiving should move at least 400 miles away from home and get back to me.

I love sitting in stop-and-stop traffic.

I love maneuvering luggage through subway turnstiles.

I love borrowing money to afford plane tickets.

And for what?

To eat, watch television and leave soon after.

No sandy beaches, no clear blue water…

The cost of a proper Thanksgiving Day meal puts French and Japanese restaurants to shame.

Ben: do asians even celebrate thanksgiving?

No, we spread our thanks out over eight grorious nights.

Stop asking me that question, people.

On the day after Thanksgiving ("We didn't listen!"), or "Black Friday," the holiday shopping season officially begins…at 5:00 a.m.

Yes, in America, we have a whole season devoted to shopping.

I'm convinced that most of the shit purchased on Black Friday (…at 5:00 a.m.) is purchased simply because it's cheap.

"$2 electronic pepper mill with mail-in rebate? Awesome!"

Why do we only hold food drives in November and December?

A: The food drives symbolize the bitter suffering of the Israelites in Egypt.

Surely the needy must be hungry the other ten months out of the year.

You think bums dream about non-perishable canned goods?

"Evaporated milk — boner."

Interesting how the season of shopping is also a season of giving.

We're simultaneously encouraged to acquire stuff and to donate stuff. What results is just more stuff in the world.

I wouldn't be surprised if, in the year 3000, Earth looks like a katamari from space.

"Recycle, reduce, reuse, and close the loop!"

Remember that television jingle?


During the broadcast of a basketball game at Stanford, an ABC announcer once remarked: "Being on campus makes me want to wear some Birkenstocks, hug a tree and eat some granola."


Whatever. I call the area "home."

Stanford filmmakers mock UC Berkeley students
Racist…or hilaracist?

Masters of Divinity

1. In Wednesday's paper:

One step forward, ten steps back.

2. Speaking of gay…

Jack Osbourne is this month's Cosmo centrefold.



Phil Spector is slowly turning into Darth Sidious.

4. "We're all praying you get back safe david! That bitch will burn in hell for kidnapping you and murdering her parents!"

5. When you think about it, an army devoted to salvation is kinda creepy. Would you buy clothes from the Church of Scientology?

6. Underwear at thrift stores — discuss.

7. The MySpace Legion of Extraordinary Stupid Hair Super Heroes
8. I looked up my name in the Urban Dictionary.

Out of curiosity, I looked up Hornblower's name too.

Similar definitions follow, including this one:

So Rory's a swell guy and I'm a…bag in Philly.

9. Amazon.com Music: Best of 2005

I could've come up with the same list simply by compiling every album mentioned on Stereogum in the past 11 months.

Madagascar Hissing Cockroaches

Interesting placement of the "sold-out" tag.

"North by Midwest" with Adam Robot

"let the 'joke of the day' be your joy of the day!"
what a terrible scam. joke of the day?

i want to take someone's phone i don't like and text that number
because you get fucked on charges
that's the best part of the commercial, how they say that
it's creepy

"we'll improve your sense of humor!"
…with jokes? jokes can do that?

that's a tough sell

Welcome to America, Brian Wong!

Paula Dean Coronary Watch

America urinated on R. Kelly

Awkward passive-aggressive fireworks between the judges during the judging on Sunday's Iron Chef America (Battle Turkey). Insults, glares… Catch a replay.

boy "next"s girl for peeing her pants
instant replay ("save as," please)

Information I learned from the Nov/Dec issue of Radar:

1. Ultra-Catholic Domino's Pizza founder Tom Monaghan is developing Ave Maria, a town (in Florida) where there's no porn and no condoms.

2. Florida leads the U.S. in Taser-related fatalities — and tried the first Taser-related permanent erectile dysfunction suit.

3. Earlier in the year, anti-abortion activist Neal Horsely startled Alan Colmes by admitting that "when you grow up on a farm…your first girlfriend is a mule. If it's warm and it's damp and it vibrates, you might in fact have sex with it."

4. While hosting the live telecast of MTV's Video Music Awards this year, Diddy refused to speak or return to the stage after a commercial break until staffers produced a slice of cheesecake.

5. Saddam Hussein possessed a copy of the Koran written with 28 liters of his blood.

Ski Dubai
a billion-dollar indoor ski resort opening this fall in the desert

Maunsell Army Sea Forts
look like AT-ATs

I Have Tourette's But Tourette's Doesn't Have Me

Tuesday night, HBO will premiere Kim Cattrall Sexual Intelligence, a documentary that "explores the mysteries and origins of sexual desire."

In addition to producing the aforementioned special, Cattrall has published two books on sex (Kim Cattrall Sexual Intelligence, Satisfaction: The Art of the Female Orgasm) and recently appeared on Dr. Phil to "help guests achieve sexual satisfaction in their relationships."

For fuck's sake, woman, you're an actress!

Playing a nymphomaniac on television does not make you an authority on sex.

I'm reminded of how Tom Cruise thought he was actually a samurai in promotional interviews for…you know.

Judging by how Cattrall looked (downright haggard) during the final season of Sex and the City, I question her knowledge of what turns people on.

Joaquin Phoenix's mushrooms kick in on red carpet
the new "viggo mortensen on the daily show"?

Dennis Rodman pulls "major" stunt at book signing
simultaneously sad and hilarious


"I've been crying all day about this."

"Because of this I will never EVER EVER tune into FOX as long as I live.*"

"Maybe if they put LESS money into the stupid World Series and focused more on publicity, this travesty wouldn't have happened."

"It's maddening that there was not sufficient viewership to keep this show afloat. Then again, as someone else said, this is a public that re-elected Bush."

Apparently, fans of Arrested Development also suffer from the titular affliction.

*I'm sure Rupert Murdoch is devastated.

It's a sitcom, people, not Terry Schiavo. No need to organize a vigil.

Fox never scheduled Arrested Development past January 2006. The show would've been off the air anyway to accommodate American Idol.

Besides, would you continue to play Joey Harrington at quarterback if you had Jeff Garcia? Exactly.

Another show will come along to fill the cult comedy void. Always has, always will. Before Arrested, there was NewsRadio, and before that, Herman's Head.

In the meantime, The Office (US) is quietly kicking ass and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia returns first quarter 2006.

The fans blame poor promotion, but promotion only guarantees one sampling (if any), of a self-referential serial no less. I know people who tuned in to the heavily-promoted pilot episode and didn't enjoy themselves. No prerequisite humor, same inaccessibility.

The fans blame CSImpletons, but San Francisco Chronicle television writer Tim Goodman notes: "The theory of sophisticated urban viewers is out the window. San Francisco was the 27th-ranked market for 'Arrested Development.' New York, Los Angeles and Chicago all tied for 21st. And Boston was 45th."

The fans pray FX or HBO will adopt the series, but according to Goodman, FX can't afford the show — word is one episode of "AD" costs more than "Over There" — and a certain someone at HBO once told him they don't take anyone's sloppy seconds.

To quote one of the few rational message board postings I read yesterday:

"I love Arrested Development. In a perfect world, Arrested Development would go on forever and have original eppys five nights a week.

But it's over. It's nobody's fault. It's just a victim of a lack of viewers. Yes, maybe Fox screwed the pooch in promoting it, but you can't really fault a network for sticking with a failing show for two and a half seasons before canning it.

Enjoy the rest of the season. Treasure the memories. Watch your DVDs. Build your GOB shrines. Know that you're cooler than most of the rest of the world for loving a great show that nobody watched.

But really, stop with all the whining."

I have Awesome Blossom coming out of my nose

Excerpts from a journal I randomly discovered via Google:

"Last weekend was amazing. Jarod, Bryan, and I got super stoned, huffed a bag of freon, and went inside the dollar movies and saw The Devil's Rejects."

"Today Bryan,Jarod, and I spent an hour today looking for pictures of the gap troll from mad tv on the internet."

"We found the cemetary after much exploration and we got to smoke some salvia and attempt to contact the dead with a saience, too bad there was too much madness going on. Crazy drunken madness, kids puking on graves, I'm allmost positive one kid was bashing cement crosses onto other peoples tombstones."

"Tearing through the yards of Bartlet's most prestiegoius homes at the country club. I broke a bunch of shit, came home with a shit load of souvineers, bumbs, and bruses, and chewed an American flag off the pole. It was one of the best nights of my life."

"Matt and I got shitty again and went to Mike Dunlaps party. All I know is that I was naked and drunk. Apparently I kept putting my penis on random people, mostly Brian. Some old guy with a flute gave Matt and I some acid in pecans and it was fun. I superman flew off of a roof, with my american flag cape (the half chewed symbol of American Fuckbag Pride) firmly attached to me in the fassion of a cape."

"I tripped mushrooms hard a few weeks ago and it was amazing. The guy that I got them from said that if I ate the whole bag I could have them. I did it!"

"Yesterday I went riding with chris and got so fucked up on oc's, coke, and bud that I thought I was aonna die! I got home late and couldn't go to sleep…go figure…so mom gave me some ambien and some risperdaul."

"So much has happend since I last updated. I went on a week long XTC benge and didn't sleep or eat much. It was awesome."

"I got fucked up with Jarod and I drank a liter of vodka, took some hc's, and ate two of the best bud brownies made from a half of AK47. I was super fucked up. The last day of [said "benge"], I was supposed to come down and I drank a half a bottle of liquid zanax to help me sleep. It made me crazy! I did everything but sleep. I drank a 40oz and took a bottle of dramimine, uhhhhh!"

"When I had the urge to puke, I ran to the bathroom and blacked out before I got there. I awake in the woods and I'm freakin out. It is nuts. I start calling everyone I know frantically. I tell them to get a hold of Matt because he's the last person I remember seeing. Chase and Leia are calling everyone I hang out with and in the mean time I'm hallucinating really hard and I see Jarod. He tells me that everything is ok and we're in Heber Springs, camping. I then call everyone back to tell them that i'm ok and I'm camping at Heber."


A dyke, a whore and a housewife

I somehow let Jord sucker me into driving with him to another state at 2:00 a.m. to take pictures with a hearse.

Chad intends to turn this 1959 Cadillac into a replica of the Ecto-1.

Broken no longer:

Gorillaz performance at the MTV Europe Music Awards
diet quicktime

Gorillaz performance at the MTV Europe Music Awards
windows media deluxe

"Save as," please.