If the writers of "Family Guy" re-wrote Mr. Brown's "Like a Virgin" monologue from "Reservoir Dogs"

Let me tell ya what "Like a Virgin"'s about. It's about some cooze who's a regular fuck machine, like Jude Law's nanny.


Matt Damon: Do you like apples?
Jude Law: Yeah.
Matt: Well, I got her number. How do you like them apples?
[Matt whacks Jude in the head with an oar]


I'm talking morning, day, night, afternoon, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick.

[pause]

Dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick.

[pause]

Dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick.

[pause]

…dick.

[pause]

Dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick!

Then one day she meets this John Holmes motherfucker, and it's like, WHOA baby. This cat is like Charles Bronson in The Great Escape. He's diggin' tunnels.

Now she's gettin this serious dick action, and she's feelin' something she ain't felt since she tried to film herself fornicating after viewing a mysterious videotape.


Cooze: Goddammit! Why is my face all blurry?
Aidan: Don't you understand?
[Cooze's cooze starts bleeding]


Pain. Pain. It hurts. It hurts her. It shouldn't hurt her. Her pussy should be Bubble-Yum by now. But when this cat fucks her, it hurts, like the time Predator attacked her and Blanka as they were making out in the rainforest.


Blanka: DUCK!
[still embracing Cooze, Blanka crouches]


It hurts just like it did the first time. You see, the pain is reminding a fuck machine what is was once like to be a virgin.

Hence, "Like a Virgin."


I really wanted to include jokes about the Human Torch farting and Hugh Grant "coming" to Taz-Mania but couldn't fit them in. Oh well.

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