The triumph of our tired eyes

1. Set your TiVos.

"Phil's busy."
"Damn. Well, who's available?"

That Oprah needs to ask why men go to strip clubs is an insult to common sense.

2. Name that ethnicity!
a. Tedy Bruschi
b. Scott Podsednik

No answer key because I honestly don't know.

a. Latino?
b. Half-Japanese?

3. I caught a few minutes of Vampire Bats.

When a swarm of bats attacked partiers on a boat, I beheld computer-generated bats superimposed over footage of actors losing their shit. Not added in; no, superimposed!

Later, Lucy Lawless handled a goat named "Sheneneh," as in Martin Lawrence's sitcom neighbor.

Can't wait for this week's follow-up Category 7: The End of the World*.

"Gina Gershon stars as FEMA director Judith Carr."


*last year's Category 6 was merely a "day of destruction"

4. Mel Gibson: Saddam Insane?

5. Don't try this at home.

Geek Stink Breath

A long time ago, while perusing IMDb, I stumbled upon a film called 5-25-77, the release date for Star Wars classic.

The film's website offered little information, but the production company granted my request for a copy of the script.

I expected a plot involving Star Wars. What I did not expect was references to Douglas Trumbull and John Dykstra.

This is Almost Fanboy, I thought.

And now this:

5-25-77 teaser

Looks better in post-production than on paper, but it's still the partial autobiography of the director of Angus.

We shall see…

Lord, please lead us to Ricardo Diaz

Previously on Adam Riff™:

Cindy Sheehan plans to tie herself to the White House fence.

I think she'd be infinitely more entertaining as an activist magician.

Cindy Sheehan and other peace activists plan to "die symbolically" for the next four days outside the White House to represent the U.S. soldiers who have died in Iraq.

"I'll be laying down and not getting up," Sheehan said. [source]

"Then I'll be buried alive only to re-appear inside the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier!"

Laying down and not getting up for four days? Sounds like something David Blaine would do.

The Cubs better not complete the baseball exorcism cycle next year.

If history has taught us anything, it's that the Cubs win the World Series in 2015 against the Miami Gators.

A Cubs championship before then, however unlikely, would undercut the epic nature of their destiny.

"100-to-1 shot!"

No, I'm not delusional. The Devil Rays become the Miami Gators, National League teams throw a few games — the stage is set.

"Cubs win World Series against Miami."

In addition to overcoming 107 years of futility, they can do what the Red Sox and White Sox could not — ensure Back to the Future: Part II continuity.

AP: Cartman once described independent movies as "gay cowboys eating pudding." Now we have "Brokeback Mountain," an upcoming movie by Ang Lee about gay cowboys.
Stone: If they have pudding in that movie, I'm going to lose my mind.

Broken chords can sing a little

Cindy Sheehan, the military mother who made her son's death in Iraq a rallying point for the anti-war movement, plans to tie herself to the White House fence to protest the milestone of 2,000 U.S. military deaths in Iraq. [source]

I like Cindy the psycho, but I think she'd be infinitely more entertaining as a magician, an activist magician.

"Double-check that the knots are tight."
"They're tight."
"Okay. Ahem. Bring our troops home! Shame! Shaaaaame!"
"Here comes White House security. Note that my limbs are bound to the fence…"

"For my next protest, I will make the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier disappear!"

w/ McKern… think i can do this? i do.
you have references?
yes sir.
i have solid references at a fortune 500 company
two of them

yeah, i think you're qualified
i'm applying to assistant manage a chipotle

well, thats… a step.
you almost make me glad i never finished college, jon.

jason lee's mom was on "ellen" today

Scott Dyleski: year by yearbook photo

Just like a woman

Rolodex Propaganda

People of Earth…

The term "MILF" is not funny.

Cut it out.

Freshman year of high school, my English teacher surveyed our class on popular slang.

Being totally uncool*, I wrote down what I assumed was popular slang at the time — that is, slang used in the film Clueless.

When Mrs. Lee read my (thankfully anonymous) submissions to the class,

"…Betty, Barney, loser loady…"

I distinctly remember Michaela Gordon snarking: "Barney? Someone's been watching Clueless!"

She and her fellow non-AP-track brethren then burst into laughter.

*I considered adding "at the time," but that would be misleading

Clueless writer-director Amy Heckerling reportedly researched contemporary teenage slang for her screenplay.

In retrospect, her sources must have been messin' with her.

No teenager I knew spoke like the characters in Clueless.

To be fair, I didn't grow up in Beverly Hills, nor did I know very many teenagers.

Still, I cannot fathom* any teenager of my generation spewing semantic nonsense like "she's a full-on Monet."

*In retrospect, of course.

According to Wiktionary, the film American Pie popularized usage of the term "MILF."

[while looking at a picture of Stifler's mom]
MILF Guy #2: Dude, that chick's a MILF!
MILF Guy #1: What the hell is that?
MILF Guy #2: M-I-L-F: Mom I'd Like to Fuck!
MILF Guy #1: Yeah, dude! Yeah!

Thank you, John Cho.

Moralists often accuse the entertainment industry of setting a poor example for children, but it's an equally poor role model for adults.

Call it the "'bling bling' fallacy" — culturally-malnourished individuals adopting what they assume is "hip" terminology from mass media and subsequently embarrassing themselves in conversation*.

Slang is organic. Speak what you know.

If your use of "MILF" predates the release of American Pie, so be it**.

Pretenders, however, need not apply.

*also known as "SportsCenter Syndrome"
**doesn't make it funny

Birthday wishes to Cardigan Buoy.

I'd send him a bottle of shitty wine, but Yellow Tail's a product of Australia. Readily available, I'm sure.


Royal Oak, Michigan, a suburb of Detroit, may be the location of the next Real World season.

Viacom, MTV's parent company, "leased 8,812 square feet of space for its MTV network in downtown Royal Oak," the Oakland Business Review reports. "The space is in the Main North development, which is under construction on Main Street, near 11 Mile Road" and "is categorized as office space."

The paper calls Royal Oak an "eclectic suburban town."

Ho ho!

Pen Is Envy

My buddy wrote an article on film adaptations of video games to coincide with today's release of Doom (access with BugMeNot).

"Blah and bleh"? My suggestion.

Snarking on Uwe Boll? My suggestion.

Interviewing Brian of Kotaku? My suggestion.

Someday I'd like to be able to do this without a proxy.

Ben: Yes, Elizabethtown is that bad.
Steven: i saw elizabethtown. don't go see it.
Brian: Yes, Elizabethtown sucks

All Jews carry gold in a little bag around their necks

Weezer recently shot a video for "Perfect Situation," only without Rivers Cuomo as the singer.

"We are exploring the history of Weezer. Before Weezer was Weezer, they were a band called Weeze. Rivers was just a roadie for the band, and they had a totally hot female singer."

The "totally hot female" will be portrayed by Elisha Cuthbert of 24 fame.

I think Sonic is an elaborate ruse on America.

I see the fast food chain's tantalizing adverts on television all the time but I've never seen nor do I know anyone who's ever seen an actual Sonic restaurant.

"North by Midwest" with Adam Robot

i got supergirl #2 and Escape of the Dead, i'm the only one who buys any of their comics dealing with zombies

yeah, she's hot
i actually buy it because she's hot

How many "punks" who wear Subhumans shirts or attach Subhumans patches to their jackets actually like The Subhumans' music?

Moreover, do said "punks" realize they're rebelling by conforming?

I finally found it online.

"Cringe" by Rob Dobi.

Second year of university, I begged Dobi for prints to liven up my dorm room.

I wish to re-assemble the wall of "Cringe" in my apartment but fear it may repulse my flatmates' visitors.

Yesterday, I found a pubic hair in the dishwasher.

Sharing an apartment with two other gentlemen, I expect pubic litter in the bathroom.

But the dishwasher? The fuckin' dishwasher?


Hey Leroy!

Cue: Encyclopedia Brown and the Case of the Whirlpool Pube.

Three years ago, Frederick S. Rhine fought the uphill battle of running for Cook County judge against someone with a strong Irish name (William O'Brien).

He failed miserably.

In hopes of winning a judicial seat in 2006, Rhine, a Chicago attorney, has changed his name to Patrick Michael O'Brien.

Why not dress up as a leprechaun too? Drink a few beers, molest an altar boy…

"I wanna fuckin' go crazy with you. You are so fuckin' hot. If you agree with this, just look at me and say 'yes.'"

Free Chicken

David Copperfield says he plans to impregnate a girl on stage – without even touching her.

Immaculate conception is definitely an improvement over the überlame tornado of fire.

Copperfield's best "headlining" illusion to date remains flying. I still wonder how he did that.

NBC ought to resurrect its World's Greatest Magic specials, or at least air a World's Greatest Magic "Where Are They Now?"

I miss Lance Burton and The Pendragons and Mac King and Melinda, the "First Lady of Magic."

The last time I visited Las Vegas, I saw ads on taxicabs for Melinda's magic show that noted a topless late show for adults only.

Alas, I was seventeen.


Multi-platinum recording star Aaron Carter makes a guest-starring appearance for one of the tricks.

I remember watching a New Year's Eve special on Fox during which Penn and Teller botched an escape stunt.

They planned to escape from a "champagne torture tank" but swam into trouble picking handcuff locks. I believe Teller accidentally dropped the lone lockpick. An emergency crew ended up smashing the tank open with sledgehammers and carting the asphyxiated duo away in an ambulance.

Perhaps inspired by Andy Kaufman, they staged the whole thing?

Sudden movie recollection/recommendation: The Ultimate Trickster
stars Stephen Chow (Kung Fu Hustle)

I heart Stephen Colbert waving a flag around, but for title sequence hilarity, nothing beats that of Criss Angel: Mindfreak.

Cheesy amateur video effects aside, Criss, well, see for yourself.

Yup, that's the dude from Korn.

64 nights' worth of the major US late night talk shows have been aligned and averaged using basic transformations.

I promise never to get paint on my glasses again


2. Today on 30 Minute Meals, Rachael Ray prepared a meal that reminded her of her dead dog.

In addition, she regaled viewers with impressions of her dead dog.

Dead dog.


3. photos of Rachael Ray in FHM

4. Lou Taylor Pucci (Thumbsucker) plays the titular character in Green Day's video for "Jesus of Suburbia," directed by Samuel Bayer.

Previously: Bayer cast Jamie Bell (Undertow) and Evan Rachel Wood (Thirteen) in his video for Green Day's "Wake Me Up When September Ends."

Someone's a fan of "25 under 25" lists…

5. This plane is definitely crashing!

I applied for a job assisting a graduate journalism student who suffered from Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

He needed somebody to help edit (proofread, cut and paste) text for him as he wrote via voice recognition software.

The day after interviewing with him, he e-mailed to inform me that he'd decided to withdraw from school for the quarter.

What does it say about me when I can't even get a job operating a keyboard and mouse?

6. The smartest state in the union for the second consecutive year is Massachusetts.

The dumbest, for the third year in a row, is New Mexico.

Apparently, it's possible to be smart and believe in intelligent design.

7. Jord revealed that he once tried to set me up on Scare Tactics.

"Honest to God…"

He thought it'd be funny if feds accused me of molesting the WankerCounty crew, whom I met online.


The center of the earth is the end of the world


2. I tried writing a sketch about Domino Harvey at Bounty Hunters Anonymous

"My name is Domino Harvey, and I'm a bounty hunter."
"Hi, Domino."

but couldn't sustain the premise.

The plan was to populate the BHA meeting with other notable bounty hunters — Boba Fett, Dog, Brisco County Jr.

It sounded better in my head than in Notepad.

3. Sometimes I wonder if I lose international readers with decidedly American pop culture references.

Like, do Scottish people know who Dog is?

4. Another scrapped sketch: Bilbo Begins.

5. When actor John Cusack reportedly inquired about getting tickets recently, White Sox chairman Reinsdorf rejected him. He still remembers when Cusack became the world's biggest Cubs fan during the North Siders' 2003 playoff run.

"Cusack used to be a White Sox fan," Reinsdorf said, recalling Cusack coming to the Sox 2000 playoffs. "He showed his true colors. Now that we won, someone on his behalf called my office. I wouldn't give them to him."

"…unless he gave me a pound of his flesh!"

How ironic it would be if he denied Joan Cusack access to U.S. Cellular Field.

6. Jord asked me if I thought recycling actually works.


"Am I certain that what I recycle will be recycled? No. To let that dissuade me from recycling, however, is absurd," I replied.

He responded with a condescending "Yeah, yeah…"

Excuuuse me for being concerned about Earth's dwindling landfill capacity.

7. Mick in Japan

The mediator between head and hands must be the heart!

My eyes…the burning!

2. Nude man discovered just hanging around

Police responding to an alarm at a cash advance business found a naked man hanging from the ceiling.

An officer answering the alarm last week noticed tiles, insulation, wires and metal braces hanging from the roof and on the floor of the Check 'n Go.

A naked man with scrapes all over his body then dropped from the ceiling and tried to open the front door and leave.

"He had a charming story to go along with it though. He said somebody threw his keys on the roof and that's why he was up there."

"He kind of got a little fuzzy on the 'taking all his clothes off and sliding in the store' part."

3. Cambodian police: Parents attack their daughter, drink her blood

A Cambodian couple attacked their 12-year-old child before dawn Thursday while she was still asleep, biting off her thumbnails and a small part of her nose to drink her blood.

Drinking blood from her nose…hilarious!

4. Simpson Sings On Second 'SNL' Appearance

Like she would lip sync again…

Caged In, Wasting Away

1. UNTITLED BOB SAGET PROJECT (HBO) – Bob Saget has set up a new comedy at the pay channel about a divorced dad who works as a gynecologist in Phoenix and struggles to balance raising his 14-year-old son and his active social life. Saget will star, co-write and executive produce the project.

If only he had three daughters instead of a son.

"What's wrong, Michelle? C'mere. Let daddy take a look at your vagina…"

2. I attended Resfest on Saturday at the Museum of Contemporary Art, during which time two Hindians wed upstairs.

Hipsters and Hindian wedding guests sharing the same small lobby — 'twas a sight to behold.

3. Who the hell gets married at a museum?

4. To my dismay, I missed a screening of a shorts program that included Dimmer, a short film commissioned by the band Interpol about three blind teenage boys roaming the industrial neighborhoods of Buffalo, NY.

Stop, or Matt McKernon will shoot!

5. I caught this, however: "Creation" by (Australian creative collective) The Glue Society

6. FX ordered a 13-episode second season of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Sweetness.

7. A&U is America's AIDS magazine. Canada's AIDS magazine? Eh&Oo.

Stop the presses!

9. Who at ESPN thought Lou Holtz would be a good on-air personality? He's like Dubya with dentures out. Teaming him with Rece Davis merely accentuates how unintelligible he is.

I keep waiting for Rece to interrupt Lou and remark "What's that, boy? Ohio State needs to stop Cal's running game?"

10. Memorable Quotes from Lassie (1994)

If they don't win it's a shame

Wouldn't be October at this website without a baseball update.

"The Adam Riff™ Postseason Baseball Hall of Pain (Beta)"

2002 world series game 7

2002 world series game 7

2003 nlds game 4

2003 nlcs game 7

2003 alcs game 7

2005 alds game 1

2005 alds game 2

2005 alds game 3

Contributions will be gladly accepted.