Nathan Rabin on Into The Blue: Matt Johnson's atrocious script feels like a veritable encyclopedia of outdated slang, from "dawg" to "P. Diddy Juice" to the use of "cheddar" as a synonym for cash. When Jessica Alba yells "Shut up you coke whore!" to Ashley…
Date Archives September 2005
I'm in a state of P-fuckin'-A
Previously on Adam Riff™: Of the ten families participating in the next Amazing Race, one is African-American. Their surname? Black. At the end of Tuesday night's premiere of The Amazing Race: Family Edition, host Phil Keoghan (whom I shall meet on Friday) informed the Black…
For British Eyes Only
Is this old news? The Transporter is gay. [Transporter 2 director Louis] Leterrier said he wove a subtle gay subtext into the movie simply because he could. As evidence, he mentions a scene in which Amber Valetta makes romantic overtures toward the Transporter. Martin rebuffs…
I got beat up by a taco
Fuckin' A. I leave school and they book free shows by: Common, Thrice, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, Architecture In Helsinki, The Hold Steady, The Constantines and Diplo. If Oregon State defensive tackle Sir Henry Anderson was knighted, he'd be Sir Sir Henry Anderson. If…
You know what really grinds my gears?
The Onion on the Jenny McCarthy-penned film Dirty Love: Desperately trying to purchase feminine hygiene products, McCarthy trails menstrual blood through a supermarket, causing unwitting shoppers to slip and slide through the aisles. A local paper ran a cover story on Sudoku. Sudoku is rivaling…
I wasn't religious, but I'd started to envy people who were. They seemed to know just what and whom to be afraid of.
I saw Thumbsucker yesterday. I approve, despite the exclusion of the book's third act in which protagonist Justin becomes a Mormon. In 2000, I stumbled upon Thumbsucker in the Stanford University bookstore while awaiting the results of a speech and debate tournament. I never expected…
The Ground Is Really Unforgiving When You Fall
"Do you think the market sells Swedish Fish?" 6:12 pm. Ikea. "Doubtful." [pause] "I need to pee. Where's the restroom?" 6:25 pm. "I shit my pants." "What?" "I just SHIT MY PANTS!" "Again?" 1989. Oak Elementary School. Los Altos, CA. "Mrs. Peterson, I had an…
Cream and Bastards Rise
Bwahahaha! Overhead on a bus: "She wants to attend UC Davis." "Where's that?" Sometimes I forget that I'm in another state. Then again, I'm from northern California and I don't even know where it is. I saw Home Alone 2 again. Kevin seems helpless against…
Any movement that forgets about class is a bowel movement
Taco Bell prints various cutesy messages on its trio of sauce packets. While lunching on cheesy fiesta potatoes today, I thought I'd try my hand at border condiment-ertainment. I hear Taco Bell opened a franchise or two in Mexico City. A visit is in order.
The country I come from is called "The Midwest"
A high school in McSherrystown, Pa., says it will continue playing Hanson's "MMMBop" on loudspeakers before classes, between periods and during lunch until the students reach a $3,000 goal for Hurricane Katrina donations. Oof. First of all, what kind of name is McSherrystown? Secondly, if…