Nathan Rabin on Into The Blue:

Matt Johnson's atrocious script feels like a veritable encyclopedia of outdated slang, from "dawg" to "P. Diddy Juice" to the use of "cheddar" as a synonym for cash.

When Jessica Alba yells "Shut up you coke whore!" to Ashley Scott in the film's most unintentionally hilarious moment (among quite a few candidates), she sounds like a second grader only vaguely familiar with the term "coke whore."

Oh man… Now I have to see this.

I'm in a state of P-fuckin'-A

Previously on Adam Riff™:

Of the ten families participating in the next Amazing Race, one is African-American.

Their surname? Black.

At the end of Tuesday night's premiere of The Amazing Race: Family Edition, host Phil Keoghan (whom I shall meet on Friday) informed the Black family that they were the last team to arrive.

Yes, the Blacks were the first to be eliminated.

In his farewell speech, Mr. Black said, "We're a proud family."


My brother turns 16 today. Wow, I'm old. Happy birthday, Winston.

For British Eyes Only

Is this old news?

The Transporter is gay.

[Transporter 2 director Louis] Leterrier said he wove a subtle gay subtext into the movie simply because he could.

As evidence, he mentions a scene in which Amber Valetta makes romantic overtures toward the Transporter. Martin rebuffs her, explaining, "It's because of who I am."

"That's him coming out!" Leterrier exclaims.

Followers already know Martin is a loner and "semi-loser" who eschews the company of the beautiful women he often finds surrounding him.

Jason Statham, the actor who plays the Transporter, dismisses the director's claims.

"Although he did say, 'In Part 2, you will become the gay icon.'"


"And in Part 3, you will hint at being anorexic, Turkish and zoophilic."

Frank: I can't eat this pig rectum.
Joe Rogan: C'mon, dude! Why not?
Frank: It's because of who I am.

I hate when I see flags at half-mast and have no clue who died.

The upcoming Limp Bizkit "best of" retrospective includes an as-yet-untitled "mash-up" of Mötley Crüe's "Home Sweet Home" and the Verve's "Bittersweet Symphony." [source]

That's like feces blending poop and shit.

If I designed public gathering places, I'd be ticked if a ground-level fountain became Raging Waters for Mexican kids.

Some of us like to enjoy landscaping visually…

The company that produced "You Got Served" signed the Ying Yang Twins to star in their first feature, "Viagra Falls." [source]

In other news: "Big Tymers to star in Cialis in Wonderland."

In other news (alternate): "Big Tymers to star in Cialis' Restaurant."

Yeah. An Arlo Guthrie reference.


I got beat up by a taco

Fuckin' A.

I leave school and they book free shows by: Common, Thrice, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, Architecture In Helsinki, The Hold Steady, The Constantines and Diplo.

If Oregon State defensive tackle Sir Henry Anderson was knighted, he'd be Sir Sir Henry Anderson.

If he shunned the NFL for a career practicing magic, he'd be Sir Sir the sorcerer.

If he then attended WWE's annual November pay-per-view event, he'd be Sir Sir the sorcerer at Sur Ser.

[edit] If RFK's assassin accompanied him, he'd be Sir Sir the sorcerer at Sur Ser with Sirhan Sirhan.

If Survivor Series emanated from the same location as WrestleMania IX, he'd be Sir Sir the sorcerer at Caesars with Sirhan Sirhan for Sur Ser.

If said Survivor Series also inaugurated a new arena that Anderson invested in, he'd be Sir Sir the sorcerer with scissors and Sirhan Sirhan at Caesars for Sur Ser.

"North by Midwest" with Adam Robot:

we went out last night
and this kid sitting at the table next to us
he just sat there and puked on the table
like imagine sitting still and just opening up and puking straight forward onto a table
needless to say, it was hilarious
he looked over at us, like he didn't do it
THEN he did it again
i was amazed
from that point on, i just watched him, because it was entertaining
everyone else was like "ew, lets go" "i'm a sissy"
all while i was trying to figure out what he had to eat

I saw a guy on Milwaukee Ave. wearing an "FDNY" hat and a t-shirt that said "Tulane Cheerleader."

It was raining.

He must have forgotten his trench coat at home, I thought.

My turn to discuss Maury

From what I've seen, every episode of contemporary Maury consists of a series of the same segment:

Guest has secret to reveal to lover / accusation against lover.
Guest reveals secret/accusation to audience.
Audience reacts.
Lover joins guest on stage.
Guest reveals secret to lover / accuses lover.
Lover cries/denies.
Maury validates/refutes secret/accusation with dubious lie detector / paternity test results.
Audience reacts.
When results "validate" secret/accusation (and they usually do), traumatized guest/lover runs off stage.

As much as I think Dr. Phil is a hack, at least he tries to resolve conflict. Maury just revels in crumbling relationships.

Hell, so many guests flee to his show's backstage area that he furnished it.

How I long for the days when he'd interview human Chewbaccas.

Five-Word Film Review: A History of Violence
Astonishing violence. Must be seen.

You know what really grinds my gears?

The Onion on the Jenny McCarthy-penned film Dirty Love:

Desperately trying to purchase feminine hygiene products, McCarthy trails menstrual blood through a supermarket, causing unwitting shoppers to slip and slide through the aisles.

A local paper ran a cover story on Sudoku.

Sudoku is rivaling crossword puzzles as America's preferred brainteaser.

Hundreds of newspapers and Web sites are publishing it.

At Borders bookstores, Sudoku is dominating the best-seller list with six of the top 10 titles.

Am I supposed to believe that a logic puzzle is sweeping the nation? That Sudoku is to America what Chavs are to Britain?

I can understand solving puzzles to pass time during a commute or lecture, but buying compilations of them suggests mental illness.

"Any plans for the weekend?"
"Funny you should ask. I just picked up the latest Sudoku book. Itchin' to dig in."
"I'm-a be like Russell Crowe in A Beautiful Mind."
"More Ovaltine, please!"

"I'm ready, Toronto."

Stubborn stay behind as Rita eyes Texas

"My grandbaby is going to be 2 next month, if we make it."

Johnson was concerned about Rita and the threat that Port Arthur could be inundated by a massive storm surge, but she said she was more worried about getting caught in a traffic jam or at a squalid shelter like those in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina.

Hope Willey, 39, declined a bus ride out because it would not allow her to take her dog along.

I bet these people would willingly appear on Maury to learn "secrets" of their lovers. [pause] No one ever questions Maury's lie detector.

But first…

I wasn't religious, but I'd started to envy people who were. They seemed to know just what and whom to be afraid of.

I saw Thumbsucker yesterday.

I approve, despite the exclusion of the book's third act in which protagonist Justin becomes a Mormon.

In 2000, I stumbled upon Thumbsucker in the Stanford University bookstore while awaiting the results of a speech and debate tournament.

I never expected someone to adapt it into a film.

The ending of the book features a favorite passage of mine:

Special occasions designed to make memories — birthdays, graduations, holiday feasts — had always done the opposite for me. The slightest pressure to savor the moment blanked me out. That's what happened at the party. Fuzzy blessings, anonymous kisses, and the faint taste of cake were all I could remember.

Except for Joel's speech. It stuck with me, every word.

A man entered the theatre wearing a Cubs hat and a Yankees shirt. How perverse, I thought. That's like being a fan of both the Lakers and the Clippers.

In the film, Justin applies to NYU and receives his acceptance letter in a letter-size envelope.

I'm not a stickler for realism in art, but for some reason, size mattered to me.

A small envelope means rejection. He should have received a large envelope, although I remember receiving a large envelope from Berkeley and celebrating only to notice days later "winter semester" printed on the envelope and subsequently crying like Tyra Banks preparing an Awesome Blossom.

Lou Pucci does a good impression of Fire Marshall Bill.

The Ground Is Really Unforgiving When You Fall

"Do you think the market sells Swedish Fish?"

6:12 pm. Ikea.
"I need to pee. Where's the restroom?"

6:25 pm.
"I shit my pants."

1989. Oak Elementary School. Los Altos, CA.
"Mrs. Peterson, I had an accident."

1995. Aboard a 12-hour flight from Taipei to San Francisco.
"Jon, what's this brown stuff all over your slacks?"

2003. Subway restaurant. Somewhere in Ontario, Canada.
"It happened on my way in."

"How? I thought you went to pee."
"I thought so too! But as I was peeing, it just kind of…evacuated…like a nocturnal emission."
"How much?"
"About two tablespoons."
"Chunky or creamy?"
"Did you feel the need to poop at all beforehand?"
"NO! I… [sigh]"

6:30 pm.
"Thanks again!"
"You're welcome. Again. Heh."
"What was that about?"
"Oh she asked me to help her senile father in and out of the restroom. I spent longer than I expected in there and exited the stall to see him trying to open a mirror."

10:00 pm.
"I just drooled on the floor. Haha. I was screwing this in when all of a sudden a dollop of saliva plummeted from my mouth."
"You sure you aren't retarded?"

11:00 pm.
"I'm retarded. I forgot to buy slats."
"Well, I have work tomorrow, so I can't drive you."
"Hakuna matata! Hakuna matata, bro. Public transportation will suffice."

At the Woodfield Mall bus stop, I stood transfixed on the head of the gentlemen sitting in front of me.

He had a mullet with a comb-over on top.

"What kind of person wears his hair like this?" I thought.

I soon received an answer when he finished a can of Mountain Dew and disposed of it on the sidewalk.

Wind forced him to keep combing over his balding spot.

I'd never used the camera in my phone before but couldn't let this
photo-op slip by.

I switched to camera mode, aimed and…

My phone emitted a very audible "snapshot" noise three feet behind his ears.

In a panic to divert attention from myself, I forgot to save the photograph.

Enjoy this image of Bill O'Reilly's head in a falafel instead:

Cream and Bastards Rise


Overhead on a bus:

"She wants to attend UC Davis."
"Where's that?"

Sometimes I forget that I'm in another state.

Then again, I'm from northern California and I don't even know where it is.

I saw Home Alone 2 again.

Kevin seems helpless against Harry and Marv without a domicile at his disposal.

What if he grew up to be a military strategist?

"Okay, we need a giant house…and a misunderstood bum for back-up."

Oldboy on DVD: Honest Commentary

The country I come from is called "The Midwest"

A high school in McSherrystown, Pa., says it will continue playing Hanson's "MMMBop" on loudspeakers before classes, between periods and during lunch until the students reach a $3,000 goal for Hurricane Katrina donations.


First of all, what kind of name is McSherrystown?

Secondly, if the school is so desperate to raise money, the song should be "Don't Phunk with My Heart" by the Black Eyed Peas.

You know you're in a tortured sports city when a local paper commemorates the 20th anniversary of a Super Bowl win with medallions.

Pity the men of Murphy Brown.

Graut Shaud
last seen on Oliver Beene (cancelled)

Joe Regalbuto
directs episodes of George Lopez

Charles Kimbrough
last seen in Marci X

Pat Corley
last notable role: Sheriff Myron Thorpe in Saved by the Bell: Wedding in Las Vegas

Robert Pastorelli
dead (accidental heroin overdose)

Meanwhile, Candice Bergen, Faith Ford and Lily Tomlin all have active acting careers.

As I return home to my DirecTV, I say "good riddance" to Comcast basic cable.

Network, UHF, religious, shopping, Spanish, C-SPAN, MSNBC, TBS and BET — how can they charge $25 for this?

I'm better off using an antenna.

Also: BET?

The harsh reality of television socioeconomics…

Abercrombie: A Journey Into the Heart of Toolness
Things Hagrid the Half-Giant Would Say If He Served Jesus Instead of Harry Potter


Last night, I dreamt I learned I was related to Colin and Christie from The Amazing Race 5.

Moreover, new wave music factored in heavily.

That's all I remember.

In my early morning rush to view Cardigan Buoy's website, I hit "enter" prematurely and wound up at brown.com instead.

'Twas a serendipitous typing gaffe.

Apparently, brown.com sells e-mail addresses (@brown.com) and apparel embroidered with the word "brown" specifically for people with the surname "Brown."

Edward doesn't aspire to world domination. No, he merely wants to dress every fellow living Brown in nominative clothing. How very Christian.

The Brown sweater hanging next to Brown looks suspiciously like a Brown sweater.

I particularly enjoy the e-mail address testimonials slash selling points at the bottom of the page.

"A brown.com email address makes you a reconized [sic] individual!"

"'I recently changed jobs but didn't have to change my email address.'"

Related: six important reasons why using free e-mail is a bad idea

"4. It's next to impossible to get an email address that's easily useable [sic]."


Did he mean 2006, not 1996?

Andy Milonakis or Martha Dumptruck from Heathers?
Mogadishu or New Orleans?

Death and Destruction

Greetings from Illinois.

I'm here visiting family; namely, my mother…in the hospital.

Over the past few days, I've watched a sickening amount of network television while keeping my narcoleptic mother company.


Svengoolie is still on the air?

Like Matt Hardy, the infomercial for the Magic Bullet will not die. I remember seeing it last fall in Seattle.

This blog is awesome! If you get a chance you may want to visit this louisiana mesothelioma lawyer site, it's pretty awesome too!

Actual line used in a promotional special for The WB's fall line-up: "Reba went from number one on the country music charts to the number one sitcom on The WB!"


The WB has four sitcoms.

While plugging Fox's Sunday night line-up, a football announcer mispronounced "family guy" as "family out."

I can see how GUY written sloppily might look like OUT, but "family out" doesn't make any sense.

Roger Federer's coiffure irritates me so much. I just want to light his scalp on fire.

On my way out of San Diego, a bleary-eyed (Japanese?) twenty-something resembling Christopher Lloyd's character on Taxi with the hair of Christopher Lloyd's character in Back to the Future boarded the plane. He sat down in the window seat opposite mine and promptly rested his head on a throw pillow placed atop the lap of a southeast Asian lady sitting beside him.

Once we landed at Midway, Diet Shoko Asahara — eyes now bulging like Haywire on Prison Break — began uttering the word "yes" repeatedly.

"Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes."

His timid chanting followed me off the plane and into the nearest airport restroom.

"Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes."

Exiting the restroom, I heard Broken Record's in-flight head-bearer reiterate "yes" as well, albeit less frequently.

"Hurry up. Yes. I'll be waiting by the drinking fountains. Yes."

Was "Marco Polo" too complicated? I thought.

The WB should develop a sitcom pairing "yes" man with David Spade's Capital One "no" hassler.

Thomas Pynchon, forgive me

Hi. I'm in Ontario. Drew let me borrow his computer to acknowledge AdamRiff.com's fifth anniversary.

Can you dig it?

Today, I poop on the graves of Wanker County, Punogre, Armegro, Blingo Millions, Funky Fresh, The Hoowa, Oddd, Sardonia, Hoe Hater, The Marked Fool, Doofyfuel, Phoniks, Overly White, Absent Minded, Hamster Style, Just Plain Dan, Flashfrozen, The Big H, Farmboyz and Telcobox.



Tom Brady would kick your ass

President to Investigate Katrina Response
Vows to 'Find Out What Went Right and What Went Wrong'

Related: Bush vows to find Saddam's weapons

Just tell the country that you didn't act immediately because you were getting stoned. We'll understand.

Black Family Channel
How did this evade my radar until today?

Of the ten families participating in the next Amazing Race, one is African-American.

Their surname? Black.

Yes, the Black family. The Black team.

"We have to beat the Blacks!"

It'd be amusing if the other nine families consisted entirely of white supremacists.

Grand Wizard Phil: Smith family, you're the last team to arrive. The niggers were second. Tsk tsk… [gunshots] I'm sorry to tell you that you've been eliminated from our race.

I'm convinced that hell is a boundaryless Spencer Gifts store.

Chocolate chip Kudos to whoever's behind the home-stretch advert for The Exorcism of Emily Rose that gradually decelerates the already creepy narration recording.

If I could choose one superpower for myself, I'd choose the ability to fold letter-size paper into exact thirds.

According to MTV, this fall, the "10 Spot Drop" will introduce me to Coheed and Cambria.


Morse code from the Cold War

The following is an actual letter published in the travel section of Sunday's San Jose Mercury News:

I'm glad you're so concerned about the welfare of the fat slobs who fly. The other side of the story is the welfare of those who must sit next to them.

I've sat next to these people on cross-country flights. As they ooze out of their seats and into a quarter of the adjacent seat (yours), you really wonder why you paid full price for your seat. Anyone who needs a seat-belt extender should be required to purchase an extra seat.

As usual, the press is more concerned about the perpetrator than the victim.

Seat-belt extender. Victim. Haha.

I'm not a squeamish person, but to this day, I have difficulty watching the "paper cuts" segment of Jackass: The Movie.

The only other time that I've covered my eyes while watching a film was during the documentary Sick: The Life and Death of Bob Flanagan, Supermasochist when Flanagan hammers a nail through his penis.

Bob later dies on camera and the film ends with a poignant montage of Super 8 footage of his childhood set to a poem written and read by him.

"Why?" by Bob Flanagan


Bush Says He'll Fill Supreme Court Vacancies Promptly

"It will serve the best interest of the nation to fill those vacancies promptly," Bush said in brief remarks.

"I will choose in a timely manner a highly qualified nominee to succeed Chief Justice Rehnquist," Bush said.

Minutes after the president left the podium, Democrats sent a guitar over to the Oval Office.

There is no try

Mac Thomason:

A rapper said something bad about the President! How awful! We obviously must talk about nothing else for the next six weeks!

"Hellooooo New Orleans!"

alternate caption: "Bus driver, move that bus!"

Hurricane Katrina. Where is she now?

Katrina: I'm back in the USSR! Flew in from Miami Beach…

Disaster Survival Kit
Trent, from Swingers, performs an exorcism
Vince Vaughn's Wild West Comedy Show

Thalidomide Babies

Always a pleasant surprise when the mayor e-mails you.

From: Neely, Matt
Re: Lux Et Veritas

Hi Jon—Alas, I don't remember the particular context, though I imagine it had to do with your description of your erections in the school newspaper.

We were young, then, eh.

Hope you are well and hope I am not too sycophantic.

Oh Neely… It's fun to google your own name, isn't it?

Thumbs Down

Yesterday, I saw a commercial for a History Channel special on Rome that compared the Superdome to the Colosseum.

How apropos.

Trapped in an Arena of Suffering

"A 2-year-old girl slept in a pool of urine."

"We pee on the floor."

"One mother said she was given two diapers and told to scrape them off when they got dirty and use them again."

"At least two people, including a child, have been raped."

"One man […] jumped 50 feet to his death, saying he had nothing left to live for."

"There is feces all over the place."

"I wake up in the morning and the first thing I say is: Where are my babies? Is everyone here?"

"Some people had wrapped plastic bags on their feet to escape the urine and wastewater seeping from piles of trash."

"An alarm had been going off for more than 24 hours and no one knew how to turn it off."

Unfortunately, no Saints were around to protect them.

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno announced it will have celebrity guests autograph a Harley-Davidson motorcycle to auction off on eBay later this month to raise relief funds.

Another charity motorcycle?

If Leno had a child, he'd probably make him or her apply for every scholarship imaginable so that he wouldn't have to pay for college.

Relief funds are relief funds, but I'd rather people donate from the heart or not donate at all.

David P. Steiner, CEO of Waste Management Inc., the winning bidder of Leno's "tsunami victims" motorcycle, said in a press release: "The auction presented us with the opportunity to continue our support efforts, and also gives us an opportunity to use the bike as an employee pride builder."

"All those 80-hour work weeks paid off, baby. Boss let me borrow the bike. Look at that — Nicollette Sheridan's signature! Take a picture of me beside it. What? Yeah, he wanted to help feed gooks and shit. Cheese!"

Way Too Soon Jokes
A few baby squirrels were knocked out of their home… 1 | 2

This place is a prison

77 Pearl Jam songs? Consecutively? Does The End want people to listen to KEXP?

I kinda feel sorry for citizens of Seattle.

Not only does the city's "-ist" site sound like a drug for erectile dysfunction, but Seattle is also eternally bound to the travesty that was grunge music.

I can barely tolerate the preposterous amount of Nirvana that Bay Area radio stations play, let alone this:

Yes, they were influential, but so was smallpox.

I hate teen spirit.
I hate Jeremy.
I hate black days and black hole suns.
I hate the rooster and the man in the box.
I hate every single version of "Polly."
I hate self-important live bootlegs.
I hate white men named "Kim."
But above all, I'd hate to live among people who still celebrate this shit.

Despite the ascension of Death Cab and Modest Mouse, there are, apparently, those in the Puget Sound who beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.

And, like Jay Gatsby, they ought to be shot dead.