667: Neighbor of the Beast

Has a radio DJ in Boston ever bribed someone to legally change his or her surname to "McNugget"?

What about bribing someone to legally adopt the name "Fish McDippers" (a fish stick item on the menu at a McDonald's I patronized in Japan)?

"Seamus McNugget. Nice to meet you. This is my wife, Fish McDippers, and our son, Tommy McNugget-McDippers. McNiggers, for short."


I welcome innovation, I do, but the pursuit of more money frequently compels companies to comically overdevelop products.

For example, do power stripes and polymer beads really sell more deodorant?

Much like the rapper in 311 and a piss trough, deodorant has one of the easiest jobs in the world: Make bodies not smell.

Whether flavor crystals or scrubbing bubbles are responsible for long-lasting body odor control and protection is irrelevant.

If only one brand of deodorant existed in the world, everyone would buy that one brand.

Why?

Because besides being the only brand available, deodorant is generally considered a necessity of life (in first world countries, at least).

I say "generally" because I attended school with Dave Harris.


Pizza Hut recently introduced a pizza with cheese baked onto detachable breadsticks built into its crust.

The Cheesy Twisted Crust Pizza follows such tribal pie gimmicks as the pizza with detachable breadsticks built into its crust, the pizza you strip and dip in sauces, the pizza with cheese inside its crust, the pizza with cheese on top of its crust, the pizza with cheese underneath its primary layer of cheese, and the pizza with cheese inside and on top of its crust and underneath its primary layer of cheese…that you dip in sauces.

[pause]

Why the lack of faith in traditional pizza?

Colleges and children's parties are the largest (not to mention most consistently dependable) markets for pizza. What do both involve? Hungry people who'll eat anything.

Sure, I'd like West Coast Customs to pimp my ride, but first and foremost, I want a fuckin' ride!

To effectively boost business, Pizza Hut ought to consider improving the quality and taste of its CRAPPY PIZZA.


Round Table's cheese pizza owns all other franchise pizza. I'd hit it.

"But 'hit' means…"

Yeah, I know.

Also: I have the palate of Kevin McCallister. Shut up.


Oldie but goodie. Still makes me loller.

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