Broad, Latitude, Broad Latitude

Members of Westboro Baptist Church in Kansas contend that American soldiers are being killed in Iraq as vengeance from God for protecting a country that harbors gays, and they brought their anti-gay message to the funerals Saturday of two Tennessee soldiers killed in Iraq.

The church members carried signs and shouted things such as "God hates fags" and "God hates you." [source]

Q: Are you there, God? It's me, Cindy…

Q: Was the Vietnam War God's response to the Civil Rights Movement?

In an e-mail message we just received, a group calling itself Columbia Christians for Life alerts us to the fact that a satellite image of Hurricane Katrina as it hit the Gulf Coast Monday looks just like a six-week old fetus.

"Louisiana has 10 child-murder-by-abortion centers," the group says, and "five are in New Orleans."

But why would God single out Louisiana? Other states have many more abortion clinics, and Louisiana and the other states hit hardest by Katrina all voted for the pro-life president of the United States.

Apparently, God has already punished California with earthquakes, forest fires and mudslides; New York with 9/11; and Florida with Hurricanes Bonnie, Charley, Frances, Ivan, Jeanne and the early version of Katrina. [source]

Q: How far down is Kansas on God's to-punish list? I suggest tornadoes that look like episodes of Arrested Development.

Q: Why doesn't God ever punish Canada?

Dobi has a bl_g.
Freakish Newborn Is Half-Chinese, Half-American


Kanye West on Mase:

Hands down, the best rapper of all time.

One-time Bad Boy Records flag-waver Mase is joining G-Unit.

You tell 'em, Ian from Great Neck!

"When I came back to Bad Boy, they didn't want me to go where I wanted to go [with the music]," he said about the content of his comeback LP, last year's Welcome Back. "They wanted me to do what was safe for them. I had to pretty much sabotage myself."

It's not often you hear someone associate the theme song to Welcome Back, Kotter with sabotage.

"Everybody knows who I am."

Yes, a pastor with his own ministry, the Saving a Nation Endangered Church International, which, coincidentally, is also the title of the next Coheed and Cambria album.

So he wanted to interpolate "Jesus Walks" instead of "La Isla Bonita" by Madonna. Fair enough. The public shalt not listen to false prophets, right?


I suppose if Chad Gilbert can successfully jump from Shai Hulud to New Found Glory, Mase can surely thrive in the company of predicate felons and other mismodified nouns.

"I ain't going to be 50," the Harlem native continued about what his new material is going to sound like. "I ain't gonna be Usher, but right in between."

Between 50 Cent and Usher — that's quite a broad spectrum.

"Hedonistic thug" plus "dim-witted narcissist" divided by two equals, well, Puffy.

Well, This Just Really Sucks…
Zombiewalk Vancouver

Liberty Calls

I lie pretty much naked face down on a massage table set up in our dining room counting down the minutes until the masseuse exits my life.


He flicks eight needles into my back. A third less than last time.

Correction: ten needles. He plants two more.

In my neck.

Suddenly, I'm Frankenstein's monster if the doctor took home ec instead of shop class.

Needles in place, the masseuse turns on his heat lamp.

Somewhere in the universe, a Brobdingnagian version of me wonders why his back stings and his ass feels toasty.


The lamp's alarm sounds.

When the masseuse removes the needles in my neck, I awaken suspended in a womb-red amnion with various tubes attached to my bare body.

Okay, not really.

I soon find myself unclothed and coated in a viscous liquid though.

This time around for the massage portion of the session, the masseuse focuses on my neck and shoulders.

I feel like he's a thief with no tools at his disposal and my head is solid gold.

"Motherfucker won't come off!"
"Keep trying!"


At one point, the masseuse squats directly in front of me and squeezes my neck muscles around the hindrance that is my head.

While doing so, he sneezes.

On my head.

He pauses to cursorily wipe the top of my head with his right hand and then continues massaging me.


Good riddance.

More goddamn designers…

Sunday Reading

The death of Robert François Damiens before the steps of Notre Dame cathedral in 1757 furnishes provocative material for anyone wishing to argue that God couldn't possibly have had sufficiently good reasons for allowing the Fall of Man.


His mind unhinged by various ecclesiastical controversies, Damiens had tried to assassinate Louis XV, a deed for which he was convicted as a regicide and sentenced to make the amende honorable in the Place de Grève. While the crowd gaped and gasped, an executioner mounted the scaffold, seized a pair of steel pincers forged especially for the occasion, and systematically tore gobbets of flesh from Damiens's chest, arms, thighs, and calves. A second executioner poured molten lead into these wounds, followed by a demonic potion of burning resin and boiling wax.

"Pardon, my God!" Damiens screamed to the local priest, who had come to hear his confession. "Pardon, Lord!"

The executioners next tied ropes to his upper arms and thighs, harnessed the ends to four horses, and urged the animals to a gallop. Unfortunately for Damiens, the horses were strangers to the business of quartering, and they failed to pull him apart. Growing desperate, the executioners now drew out their knives and slit his shoulders and hips. The horses tugged mightily, causing the agonized man to cry, "My God, have pity on me!"

At last his legs came off, but his arms remained in place. Again the executioners went to work, sawing through his muscles until their knives scraped bone. The horses tugged once more, and finally the right arm came loose, followed by the left. Still alive, Damiens somehow managed to sit up and survey what he'd become, a torso with a brain. He was not quite dead when they raised him aloft, threw him onto a pile of logs, and set the pyre ablaze.

To tell you the truth, I'm glad the age of the amende honorable is over. Being the Devil, I naturally favor capital punishment, but I believe a simple hanging or electrocution will suffice in most cases. As Damiens's death demonstrates, torture is a system too easily abused. I think it's unconscionable that four well-meaning horses were humiliated in public when the executioners could easily have taken them from their stables the night before and taught them how to quarter. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's cruelty to animals.

from Blameless in Abaddon by James Morrow (184-185)


Goddamn designers…

In other news, I wish I had friends in Toronto.

Passes and coupon books are sold out but I decided I must try for tickets. Denying myself the Toronto International Film Festival is unacceptable, particularly when I'll be nearby.

Why is the Los Angeles Film Festival so lame? Toronto is like…the Coachella of cinema.

Fuck, I'll bum it for a few days if need be. Patience is not a virtue.

Dir: Duncan Tucker
Felicity Huffman with a penis.

No Direction Home: Bob Dylan
Dir: Martin Scorsese

Dir: Terry Gilliam

The District!
Dir: Áron Gauder
Hungarian South Park?

Evil Aliens
Dir: Jake West

The Great Yokai War
Dir: Takashi Miike
Japanese answer to Harry Potter.

Sarah Silverman: Jesus Is Magic
Dir: Liam Lynch (creator of Sifl and Olly)

Dir: Wilson Yip
No wires, no CGI, and supposedly, the film's major fight scene between Donnie Yen and Wu Jing is completely unrehearsed.

Beowulf & Grendel
Dir: Sturla Gunnarsson

Dave Chappelle's Block Party
Dir: Michel Gondry
Featuring: The Fugees, Kanye West, Mos Def, Common, Talib Kweli, Erykah Badu, Jill Scott and The Roots.

Everything Is Illuminated
Dir: Liev Schreiber

Romance & Cigarettes
Dir: John Turturro

Dir: Anand Tucker
Written by Steve Martin.

The Squid and the Whale
Dir: Noah Baumbach (The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou)

Sympathy for Lady Vengeance
Dir: Park Chan-Wook

Dir: Mike Mills

A History of Violence
Dir: David Cronenberg

The Matador
Dir: Richard Shepard
Sundance favorite.

Dir: Guy Ritchie

Wassup Rockers
Dir: Larry Clark (Kids)

And this is merely what I want to see.

Estrogen was not destiny

MTV2 pilot in the works: "Are You Game?," from Matt Ringel and David Goetsch ("Third Rock from the Sun"), features contestants competing in live-action versions of their favorite video games

So like…they play football? Or…life?

My favorite video game is Katamari Damacy

I must say, the embarrassment potential of a live-action World of Warcraft starring fans of the game intrigues me.

For some reason, this image comes to mind:

Adam Robot
two words: hot coffee

Every Friday, the Beastie Boys add another track to their a cappella download page for personal remixes and mash-ups.

Some of the better remixes posted on the Beastie remix forum:

Beastie Boys – "Root Down (Joakizmo Remix)"
Beastie Boys – "Body Movin' (Joakizmo Remix)"
Beastie Boys – "Ch-Check It Out (Joakizmo Remix)"
in that order

Beastie Boys – "3 the Hard Way (Don Esteban Remix feat. Christopher Walken)"
Beastie vocals + beat from Biggie's "Hypnotize" + Saturday Night Live "more cowbell" sketch

Beastie Boys – "Oh Word? (Lando's Dad 'Live in Pipeworld' Remix)"
Beastie vocals + audio from Super Mario Bros.

Tanks! Tanks! Tanks!

A funny thing happened on the way to Wednesday.

"The masseuse? Again?"


I lie face down pretty much naked on a massage table set up in our dining room.

He tells me to hold still and then flicks a needle into my back.

I count 12 needles in all.

He shines a heat lamp on my lower right back.

"Say 'hot' when the heat exasperates you."

[minutes later]


He shifts the lamp so that it shines on my middle right back.

We repeat this little endurance exercise until I'm golden brown.


Midway through my 30-minute "workout," the masseuse's phone rings.

He steps outside (into our backyard) to answer, leaving me helpless in a buffet carving station tableau.






Needles removed, the back massage commences.

"Ev-er-y-vere tight," remarks the masseuse, sounding more like Count Von Count than a bald middle-aged Chinaman.

"Ev-er-y-vere tight…"

He assaults my spine repeatedly, apparently intent on extracting information from me.

Like the area behind the knee where hamstrings and calf muscles merge, having your spine massaged will never be relaxing.

Especially when knuckles are involved.


Near the end of our session, the masseuse begins kneading my right butt cheek.

I'm not sure how to react.


A jaunt to my left butt cheek soon follows.

My mother asked Dr. 'Sseuse to return on Friday for one last session before flying home to Beijing.


Seattle/Washington/Prague 00/68/Chicago/Nixon/Reagan Circle-Fighting Machine

At the risk of screwing myself out of tickets, I'd like to note that Smoking Popes will reunite for a show in November, and less than 24 hours later, The Promise Ring will reunite for a show at the same venue. Sweetness.

New game!

Is it a fall 2005 network television series or a Photoshop function/tool?

1. Alias
2. Tolerance
3. Similar
4. Half & Half
5. Invasion
6. E-Ring
7. Surface
8. Reticulation
9. Cuts
10. Smooth
11. Threshold
12. Median
13. Gamut Warning
14. Mosaic
15. Related
16. Crosshatch
17. Supernatural
18. Curves

answers: 1. TV | 2. PS | 3. PS | 4. TV | 5. TV | 6. TV | 7. TV | 8. PS | 9. TV | 10. PS | 11. both | 12. PS | 13. PS | 14. PS | 15. TV
16. PS | 17. TV | 18. PS

Bonus game!

Is it a fall 2005 network television series or a movie starring Corbin Bernsen?

1. Criminal Minds
2. Lake Desire
3. Hot Properties
4. Sex, Love & Secrets
5. Inconceivable
6. Ghost Whisperer
7. I Know My Son Is Alive
8. Borderline Normal
9. How I Met Your Mother
10. Beings
11. Beyond Suspicion
12. Killer Instinct
13. Young Hearts Unlimited
14. Just Legal
15. My Name Is Earl
16. The Tomorrow Man
17. The Commission
18. Three Wishes
19. Love, Inc.
20. Sex & Consequences
21. Ordinary Miracles
22. Voices From Within
23. Night Stalker
24. Murderous Intent
25. Head Cases

answers: 1. TV | 2. CB | 3. TV | 4. TV | 5. TV | 6. TV | 7. CB | 8. CB | 9. TV | 10. CB | 11. CB | 12. both | 13. CB | 14. TV | 15. TV
16. CB | 17. CB | 18. TV | 19. TV | 20. CB | 21. CB | 22. CB | 23. TV | 24. CB | 25. TV

My Kitchen Is Tiananmen Square


"Jon, wake up."

"But it's Saturday…"

"The masseuse is here."

"What masseuse?"

"Your masseuse."

Concerned that I apparently walk crookedly, my mother asked her friend's masseuse to visit our house and fix me.

Still groggy, I stripped to my boxers and plopped face down on a massage table set up in our dining room.

The masseuse concluded that my lower right back muscles were too taut.

He slathered my lower back in a gel. I awaited his magic touch.

Instead, I heard him open a plastic baggie.

"What are you doing?"




Three needles in my lower right back, one in my upper ass.

As I lay pretty much naked in our dining room looking like a giant prepubescent porcupine, the masseuse and my mother sat on either side of me debating whether one of my legs is shorter than the other.



A half-hour later, the actual back massage began.

To say the masseuse applied oil liberally is an understatement. I felt like he was preparing to stick me up someone's ass.

I soon realized how uncomfortable it is to rest your face on a padded toilet seat for an extended period of time.

I'm used to puke-and-runs.


Saturday evening, I had dinner with relatives at Chef Chu's.

On my way to the men's room after locating our table, Larry — Chef Chu's oldest son and the restaurant manager — approached me.

"Jon Yu! I finally get to discuss your infamous blog with you."

"Shit," I thought. "Did I write anything disparaging?"

"I googled 'Chef Chu's' and found your blog."


I feigned mirth and kept walking crookedly toward the restrooms.

I avoided Larry for the rest of the night.



Jim Emerson reports:

The young man in the jogging suit (credited as "Kid in car") who passes Bill Murray at the end of Jim Jarmusch's "Broken Flowers" is, in fact, Murray's real-life eldest son, Homer (born in 1982).

Does that mean he's meant to be positively identified as Don Johnston's son in the movie? Absolutely not.

Michaels turned down Hogan ideas for the pre-Summerslam build-up, including superkicking Nick Hogan and making comments about Brooke.

Hogan knows best, eh?

"So Shawn, whatcha gonna do? What? You don't like my ideas, brother? My daughter won't mind if you call her a 'talentless cunt,' dude. Really…"

Stumble then rise on some awkward morning

Ringtone merchants should consider branching out and selling custom horntones for automobiles.

"Move, bitch, get out the way!"

I'd want either that one or "the most annoying noise in the world" from Dumb and Dumber.

Samuel L. Jackson's "English, motherfucker! Do you speak it?" from Pulp Fiction, however inappropriate, would be a blast to use around taxi drivers and Asian women.

Oakland Art & Soul Festival
Saturday, September 3

11:15 am — Dredg
12:30 pm — Hieroglyphics (with Del Tha Funkee Homosapien?)
1:45 pm — The Lovemakers
3:00 pm — Pinback
4:30 pm — Lyrics Born

Only $5!

Robert asked me to link this for some unknown (but probably retarded) reason

Canadian Achin'

An unreleased guitar solo by the late "Dimebag" Darrell Abbott will appear on a new Nickelback song that was written as a tribute to the guitarist.

"I was very upset, and for two months, if I saw his picture somewhere I would get angry," frontman Chad Kroeger told of his motivation for writing the song. "I hadn't lost somebody to a shooting before."

Kroeger wrote lyrics from the perspective of a Pantera fan so angered over Dimebag's murder that he vows revenge, not realizing the shooter had already been killed by a policeman.

Kroeger and Dimebag actually recorded together once before for the soundtrack to Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle. They both appear on a cover of Elton John's "Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting," along with Kid Rock.

"That was the first time I appeared on a record with Dime, and now this," said Kroeger. "I just wish this wasn't the way it had to happen."

Oh Chad…

ESPN likes my beloved Bruins as dark horse threats for the Final Four.
#20 out of 50, ahead of Illinois, Washington and North Carolina. Super.

Jon's startling revelation of the day: Northwestern has a basketball team?

Fledermaus Hunt

Lucy Lawless ("Xena: Warrior Princess") reprises her role as Dr. Maddy Rierdon from the highly-rated CBS Television Movie "Locusts" in VAMPIRE BATS, a new television movie for broadcast Sunday, Oct. 30.

A former USDA voracious insect specialist who is now a college professor, Rierdon, in search of a simpler life, has moved to Louisiana with her husband and their two daughters. But her life becomes more complicated when one of her students is found dead with his body covered in mysterious puncture marks and completely depleted of blood.

When two of Rierdon's students are implicated in the boy's death, she immediately gets caught up in the investigation and discovers that the student was killed by a swarm of bats. When other attacks occur and more people are found dead in a similar fashion, evidence leads Rierdon to discover that these are not ordinary bats, but aggressive vampire bats that have mutated due to a tainted water supply.

A retrospective of the "batsploitation" genre
Too many good lines to reprint here.

Inchoate Bathroom

That Gwen Stefani song "Hollaback Girl" was my shit before it was everyone's shit. But she already said it was her shit in the song, so I guess it was bound to be somebody's shit.

Kanye West is the Terrell Owens of hip hop, constantly letting his hubris undercut his talent.

The Backstreet Boys' video for "Just Want You to Know" parodies Heavy Metal Parking Lot and the entire 80s hair-metal scene.

AJ, Brian, Howie, Kevin and Nick (we will never forget) play both fans and members of the fictional band Sphynkter.

The video was directed by Marc Klasfeld, whose filmography includes videos for Kottonmouth Kings and Insane Clown Posse.

Way back when, Insane Clown Posse appeared on Loveline, during which Adam played their song "Fuck the World."

Highlights of the first verse:

Fuck pre-schoolers
Fuck wine coolers
Fuck chickens, fuck ducks
Fuck the Dalai Lama
Fuck the rainforest, fuck a Forrest Gump
Fuck a shoe pump

Iambic pentameter it ain't.

Seriously, "fuck a Forrest Gump"? Reminds me of the premiere episode of Animaniacs in which Brain appears as a contestant on Gyparody! and at one point replies, "What is a Regis Philbin?"

But I digress.

What I love about "Fuck the World" is its comedic versatility.

As opinions, the lyrics are amusing. I mean, such hostility toward wine coolers and shoe pumps…

Literally, the lyrics are equally amusing. Yes, let's all have sexual relations with the rainforest.

More highlights:

Fuck the Berlin Wall, both sides of it (1)
Fuck everybody in the hemisphere (2)
Fuck your diarrhea, Rocky Maivia (3a, 3b)
Fuck your little brother's homie from around the way (4)
And fuck everyone who went down with the Titanic (5)

1. Ouch. Be it rubble or one of the few surviving segments, ouch. Even more so if you're female.

"Anna Elizabeth Butler, stop banging the wall! What did I say? Go stand in the corner for 30 minutes. I said 'STAND in the corner,' not fellate it!"
2. Sorry, citizens of Paraguay.

3a. Rocky Maivia (The Rock): What do you have against my stool?
3b. Rocky Maivia: I think I'll pass…
4. Pre-schoolers and chickens and my little brother's homie — oh my!

5. Assuming their bodies don't fall apart.

"I'm so cold…"

The clean version of "Fuck the World" replaces all 93 instances of "fuck" with the word "huff."

Huff you, huff me, huff us
Huff Tom, huff Mary, huff Gus
Huff Darius
Huff Oprah, huff opera, huff a soap opera
Huff a pop locker and a cock blocker


Huff a cock blocker.

Ganesh: Can you use that in a sentence, please?


"The Juggalo discovered the location of his missing anal bead when he laid down in bed and huffed a cock blocker beside his pillow."

When I see Mary Hart nowadays, I think of this:

She looks like an alien with latex on its face.

Her oddly unnatural appearance evokes the Wayans brothers in White Chicks.

I just noticed that "Mr. Smith" chose to masquerade as George W. Bush, or at least Timothy Bottoms as George W. Bush.

Ol' Dirty Bastard feat. Insane Clown Posse – "Dirty and Stinkin'"
I couldn't resist.

Here it is, your moment of Zen

Damn you, WWE, for teasing the return of Bret Hart (in Montreal, no less).

You want Bret? You're not gonna get Bret because I screwed Bret. I did it once and I'd do it again. If Bret "The Hitman" Hart had any guts, he'd walk down that aisle tonight, step into this ring…

I nearly peed myself when his entrance music began playing.

I should know better than to expect Bret Hart to appear at SummerSlam (or on television at all), but he'll be in Charlotte, NC on Sunday for a wrestling fanfest until 6:00 pm, and Charlotte's not that far away from Washington D.C., where he wouldn't be needed until 10:00 pm at the earliest.

"Bret screwed HBK!"

Hey, anything's possible.

August 5, 2005: Bret Hart reconciles with Vince McMahon

How about that Canadian audience chanting "your pussy stinks" at Lita in French?

Oh and what ever happened to Ross Rebagliati?

Created in darkness by troubled Americans

Ryan's actual plates

I saw a car in Tower Records' parking lot that screamed "my owner wants to irritate Jon."

Its rear end boasted a yellow ribbon, "W '04" and "Viva Bush" stickers, four stickers for the local country music radio station, and this beauty:

Our oil, eh?

Yes, millions of years ago, dinosaurs in the Middle East willed their bodies to America.

I'm no expert on global policy, but I know that I can't just barge into a hospital operating room and forcibly extract an unconscious patient's liver because I need one to maintain my lifestyle.

"And then the defendant pointed at Ms. Liebowitz and remarked, 'What's my liver doing inside her body?'"

you might be a redneck (or a zombie) if
lame-ass villain #8 – modam

Did you say "Massachusetts"?

I paid $60 for gas this weekend. 91 octane requirements &#151 the perks of driving a Lexus.

I heard "Nookie" by Limp Bizkit for the first time in years today on Channel 104.9, a Bay Area radio station that bills itself as "the new rock alternative" despite heavy rotation of Maroon 5 and Gwen Stefani.

I also heard "Take Me Out" by Franz Ferdinand immediately followed by a remix of "Take Me Out."

Normally, I prefer listening to Live 105, but Live 105's holding a "Coldplay Weekend," so like every other song is fuckin' Coldplay. Of all the bands…

Anyway, I never realized how strange the chorus of "Nookie" is until today.

"I did it all for the nookie, so you can take that cookie and stick it up your yeah!"

Who was Fred dating? Mrs. Fields? Why does he assume that his ex will have a cookie handy to stick up her yeah?

Also: A cookie?

"I'm so angry at you for sleeping around. Go stick a cookie up your yeah!"

Obviously, he simply needed a rhyme for "nookie." Why not, then, use a synonym for "intercourse" that would yield a more suitable rhyme?

"I did it all for the whoopee, so you can take that rupee and stick it up your yeah!"

Er, bad example. [pause] Here we go:

"I did it all for the sex, so you can take that video and post it on the internet!"

Happy birthday, Steven. You are the second-oldest person on my buddy list.

I will smash your face into a jelly

I hope "My Doorbell" evolves through live performance tinkering into a rockin' "Trapped in the Closet"-style operetta.

I'm thinkin' about my dinner.
When you gonna make it?
When you gonna make it?

I'm thinkin' about my mistress.
"When you gonna abort it?"
"When you gonna abort it?"

I'm thinkin' about my colostomy bag.
When you gonna empty it?
When you gonna empty it?

Detroit found to be most liberal U.S. city

Gary, Ind., was found to be the second-most liberal followed by Berkeley, Calif.; Washington [D.C.]; and Oakland, Calif.

Hippies are apparently no match for poor black people.

Shit, how left-wing must Africa be?

BILL O'REILLY: We didn't lose the [Vietnam] war.
ANN COULTER: Yeah, we kind of did. I think we did lose that one.
O'REILLY: I don't. I disagree with you. But that's a debate for another day.
COULTER: They're living under communism, Bill.


Charlie Day is my new hero.


Pentagon announces September 11 concert

"This year the Department of Defence will initiate an America Supports Your Freedom Walk," Rumsfeld said, adding that the march would remind people of "the sacrifices of this generation and of each previous generation".

The march will start at the Pentagon, where nearly 200 people died on September 11, 2001, and end at the National Mall with a show by country star Clint Black.


The full lineup of the Fashion Rocks concert in New York City has been announced, and it boasts such diverse stars as David Bowie, Destiny's Child, Alicia Keys, Duran Duran, Billy Idol, Nelly, Shakira, Gwen Stefani, Joss Stone, Rob Thomas and The Arcade Fire.

The event, celebrating the best in fashion and music, will kick off New York's Fall Fashion Week at Radio City Music Hall and will be broadcast Friday, September 9 on CBS.

One wonders what surreal musical event September 10 has in store.