This shit is vaginas. V-A-G-I-N-A-S!

At the dentist's office today, I perused an issue of Reader's Digest and stumbled upon this:

74 is awfully high, I thought. Surely there must be more people like me counting down the days until their next renewal so they can re-shoot their photo. I look like a London bomber on my current driver's license.

Then I caught the source of this factoid.

Yes, Anheuser-Busch.

Apparently, the brewers of Budweiser measure human attitudes on the side. I did not know this.

Hogan on Larry King Live report:

Caller asked if Hulk would be making more movies. Hogan said he would. He mentioned a role he has playing Zeus. He mentioned that he believes it is a film Lil' Bow Wow is in.

Hulk Hogan as Zeus. Co-starring with Lil' Bow Wow.


jack bauer action figure

Loved by good, feared by evil

Pharrell Williams will create the music for the film version of Voltron: Defender of the Universe. According to the Hollywood Reporter, the Neptunes' producer will score the movie, produce the soundtrack and receive an executive producer credit.

"Pharrell's doing the soundtrack for Voltron?" is the new "Explosions in the Sky did the soundtrack for Friday Night Lights?"

No Jellies

I've been to New York City twice in my life, both times for less than 24 hours.

The first time I visited, my host (distant cousin) insisted on taking me to see a Broadway musical. We waited endlessly in line at TKTS in Times Square before reluctantly accepting tickets to Cabaret at Studio 54…starring Brooke Shields.

We left during intermission.

I've refused to see any musicals since that traumatic night.

The second time I visited, my host (high school classmate then at NYU) proposed we see a movie instead. We couldn't agree on what movie to see, however. I wanted to see American Wedding. She wanted to see Gigli. I flipped a coin.

We saw Gigli.


I need cooler friends in New York City.

Anyway, I might be willing to return from self-imposed exile soon.

Tenacious D's Kyle Gass will star in a Broadway musical in the works based on the power ballads of the '80s. Songs from Bon Jovi, Journey, REO Speedwagon and more will be included in the production, titled "Rock of Ages" and currently being shopped to theaters in New York and Las Vegas.

"Do-on't stop…be-LIE-eevin'!"


1970 Topps Burt Blyleven Rookie Card

Apparently, some people still haven't seen R. Kelly's insanely entertaining urban operetta "Trapped in the Closet" in its entirety.

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5

You're welcome.

The writers for 24 wish they could devise such enthralling plot twists.

Kelly's use of "doot"s to censor expletives in Chapter 5 is icing on the cake.

MTV announced the nominees for the 2005 MTV Video Music Awards (or, if last year's broadcast was any indication, the BET Video Music Awards).

Video of the Year
"Speed of Sound" – Coldplay
"Boulevard of Broken Dreams" – Green Day
"Hollaback Girl" – Gwen Stefani
"Jesus Walks" – Kanye West
"Drop It Like It's Hot" – Snoop Dogg feat. Pharrell

While I don't expect MTV to honor the most deserving videos, I'm surprised that "Y Control" and "Always" — two of the more memorable clips to grace MTV this past year — received a combined zero nominations. Not even a technical nod.

But hey, it would be a travesty if the filmic achievement that is Green Day walking around a soundstage for four minutes went unnoticed.

Resfest announced the 2005 line-ups for its popular music video programs.

Almost all of the curated works are available for viewing online in one format or another, but how often do you get to watch avant-garde music videos in a movie theatre?

Cinema Electronica (favorites in bold)
"1976" – RJD2
"7 Minutes" – Circlesquare
"Believe" – Chemical Brothers
"Blinded By The Lights" – The Streets
"Bullyshit" – Quasimoto
"Dream" – Dizzee Rascal
"Feels Like It Should" – Jamiroquai
"Galvanize" – Chemical Brothers
"Hitchcock" – Phoenix Foundation
"I Want More" – Faithless
"Is This A Real City" – Jimmy Edgar"
"Just Briefly" – Daedelus
"Lo-Fiction 2005" – Jori Hulkkonen
"Love Game" – Shakedown
"Milky Way" – Towa Tei feat. Ryuichi Sakamoto
"The Sad Song" – Fredo
"Shot You Down" – Audio Bullys feat. Nancy Sinatra
"Sixes Last" – Alias
"Smile Around The Face" – Four Tet
"U Don't Know Me" – Basement Jaxx
"Whistle And A Prayer" – Coldcut

Videos That Rock (favorites in bold)
"Back To The Lake" – Guided By Voices
"Daft Punk Is Playing At My House – LCD Soundsystem
"Drink To Moving On" – Grand National
"E Talking" – Soulwax
"Evil" – Interpol
"How 'Bout That" – Gisli
"Human" – Carpark North
"I Wonder" – The Willowz
"Ma Mélodie" – M
"Magic" – Marbles
"Neighborhood #3 (Power Out)" – The Arcade Fire
"Pink Bullets" – The Shins
"Pioneers" – Bloc Party
"Romantic Death" – The Sun
"Shouty Track" – Lemon Jelly
"Smile" – Mad Action
"The Joker – Fatboy Slim
"You Gotta Hold On" – The Flaming Lips

The traveling film festival begins September 15 in New York City. Stops in other major cities in America, Canada, Europe, Asia and Australia will follow throughout the fall.

4) Their Chinese restaurants inexplicably add the word "balls" to the end of any Sweet & Sour dish. Do "Sweet & Sour Chicken Balls" sound appetizing to anyone?

5) A radio station that bills itself as "Calgary's best rock" plays the new single from Staind.

6) Ads for Lake Louise promote it as "Home of the Grizzly Bear." Is it the only one in the world? And I sure didn't see it.

Reasons Why Canadians Suck

Eat this pinecone

…but piss-poor fighters. C'mon, R2! Succumbing to Alzheimer's? Weeeak.

A Not So Great American

Experts: Youngsters Trying Riskier Stunts

Two young people have died in Idaho, each suspected of trying to catch a buzz by cutting off the blood supply to their brains. Also in recent weeks, a college student in Kentucky and another youth in Michigan have fallen to their deaths while "surfing" atop moving vehicles.

Dangerous activities like these aren't new, but experts say today's teens are increasingly likely to try them — and to take more risks than previous generations.


"Parents need to be aware of what teenagers are doing so they can talk to their kids," says Jennifer Collette, a mother in Valparaiso, Ind., whose daughter played the choking game with friends at a neighbor's house last December. Her daughter, now 13, didn't pass out, but the choking — done by a 17-year-old boy — caused blood vessels in her eyes and face to burst.

"She was pretty scared, and she said she'd never do it again."


Perhaps common sense isn't as common as I thought.

Tutti Fuckin' Frutti

I'll have what Jack Osbourne's having.

"Trimspa, baby!"

I caught the second half of "Date Rape" by Sublime on Clear Channel-owned Channel 104.9 (Live 105 was playing "Wake Me Up When September Ends" for like the twentieth gorram time) and both times Brad sang "even though he now takes it in the behind," an irreverent noise replaced the word "behind," much like how donkey squeals replace the word "motherfucker" throughout the radio version of Bloodhound Gang's "Fire, Water, Burn."

"Even though he now takes it in the [siren]"

I know the official radio version of "Date Rape" doesn't censor the word "behind." Infinity-owned KROQ and Live 105 play the song all the time with both "behind"s intact. This is Clear Channel's doing.

Why Clear Channel would censor the word "behind" but leave the line "he was butt-raped by a large inmate" untouched baffles me.

In development at MTV:

"There and Back" details the potential comeback of former O-Town singer Ashley Angel who is now broke, engaged and about to become a father.

Oh man…

It's like Cops for teenage girls.


Ashley Angel was born Ashley Ward Parker. He then inherited his stepfather's surname — Angel.


He inherited it?

Good thing his stepfather's surname wasn't [siren] or [donkey squeal].

the cover art for Thrice's album Vheissu
designed by none other than Dave Eggers (of McSweeney's and A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius fame)

Strong, Black and Proud

LL Cool J will star in a remake of Fatal Attraction. Almost 18 years since the original was released, this version will have an urban twist.

Guys, what's the urban twist? Bill Plaschke!

Bill: Suge Knight plays Alex Forrest.

Jay: Alex boils a rabbit…and waffles.

Woody: Beth shoots Alex nine times but Alex survives.

Bob: R. Kelly wrote the screenplay.

Stranger Than Fiction
An IRS auditor (Will Ferrell) suddenly finds himself the subject of narration only he can hear: narration that begins to affect his entire life, from his work, to his love-interest, to his death.

Mark my words, the latter will be the best film of 2006.

Happy 22nd birthday to Adam Robot.

For you: Styrofoam Hummer.

When someone asks if you're a god, you say "yes"

I saw a sign at the post office that said "Addresses on all mail to Canada must be printed in capital letters."

I'm trying to figure out why.

I thought perhaps it was because Canadian postal codes include numbers and letters, but I believe code order is invariably letter-number-letter-number-letter-number, thus I can't understand how anyone could mistake an "l" for a one or an "o" for a zero. Besides, an uppercase "o" looks like a zero too.

Was there an outbreak of dyslexia among Canadian postal workers?

I'm tempted to mail something to Canada with a lowercase address on it just to see what happens.

I'd also like to mail something to Canada with the address in all caps, but also in a really ornate cursive font.

I hate how a capital "r" looks in Helvetica.

Potent quotables I highlighted while actively reading Chuck Klosterman's latest book Killing Yourself to Live:

I shall ride a silver Ford Taurus. It's currently parked outside my apartment. The moment I turn the key, I decide to rechristen this vehicle the "Ford Tauntan," just in case I drive into an August blizzard and I need to stuff a freezing Luke Skywalker into the cozy engine block (13).

Cracker Barrel is sublime: You can order chicken and dumplings with a side order of dumplings (68).

Joy Division's singular directive was self-loathing. Every guy in that band should have hung himself, probably; nobody would have missed New Order, except for a bunch of idiots who think taking drugs and dancing is more fun than drinking and feeling melodramatic (107).

There are a lot of drunks in this world, but people in the Midwest drink differently than everywhere else I've ever been; it's far less recreational. You have to stay focused, you have to work fast, and you have to swallow constantly (160).

Here in Montana, I understand everything that is happening in Manhattan [blackout of 2003]…but everybody who's actually there remains completely clueless as to why there is no electricity. I know that the power is expected to return tomorrow afternoon; they have no idea if this will last a day or a week or a year. It's like looking down from heaven and watching all the mortals majoring in philosophy (203).

If rock musicians were 16-ton ivory-bearing pachyderms, Seattle would be America's elephant graveyard. And I suppose that could still happen, assuming Elefant lead singer Diego Garcia gets assassinated on top of the Space Needle (221).

I am certain Kid A is the official soundtrack for September 11, 2001.

[note: his explanation is lengthy, so I'm only re-printing some]

The first song on Kid A paints the Manhattan skyline at 8:00 A.M. on Tuesday morning; the song is titled, "Everything in Its Right Place." […] We soon move to song two, which is the title track. It is the sound of woozy, ephemeral normalcy. […] But something happens three and a half minutes into "Kid A." It suddenly doesn't feel right, and you don't exactly know why. This is followed by track three, "The National Anthem."

This is when the first plane slams into the north tower at 470 mph.

"The National Anthem" […] is a completely different direction from the first two songs on Kid A, and it's confusing; it's chaotic. "What's going on?" the lyrics ask. "What's going on?" It gets crazier and crazier, until the second plane hits the second tower (at 9:04 AM in reality and at 3:42 in the song). For a moment, things are somber. But then it gets more anarchic. Which leads into track four, "How to Disappear Completely." This is the point where it feels like the world is possibly ending. People try to convince themselves that they are not there. People keep repeating, "This isn't happening." […] And it's followed by an instrumental piece without melody ("Treefingers"), because what can you say when skyscrapers collapse? All you can do is stare at them with your hand over your mouth (86-87).

Fall 2005
Toronto International Film Festival
north american premiere of david cronenberg's a history of violence

Voodoo Music Experience
currently only $50 for both days

featuring a one-off reunion of the promise ring

Music for women that men can feel

According to the latest promos for The Devil's Rejects, a critic for Fangoria called it "The Terminator of horror films."

What the fuck does that mean?

how old is that shirt cena wears, the one with the belt?
i want that shirt

[cringes] Hideous. I'm reminded of a shirt for The Rock that was black and in large white lettering read "Where's Your Lips?"

fuck no
it's the SHIITTTTT!!!

Wrestling merchandise is generally tacky, but this shirt… It's like a cross between a "The Man / The Legend" shirt and a tuxedo shirt.

and i've always wanted a tuxedo shirt
i never did get to wear one to prom

I hope the shirt's designer is proud of himself. Word of advice: leave this one out of your portfolio.

Earl Hebner, the most well known referee in U.S. pro wrestling, was fired earlier today by WWE, allegedly for selling merchandise without authorization.

"You screwed yourself! You screwed yourself!"

Bill Murray appeared on the most recent episode of Iron Chef America but left most of the comedy to the Chairman.

I wish I had an audio recording of Mark Dacascos' overly enthusiastic secret ingredient reveal.

"Today's secret ingredient is…[smoke and dramatic music]…HAMBURGRRR!!!"

Excerpts from the Diary of an Aspiring Death-Metal Frontman

Older than kerosene

This spring, I decided to leave Los Angeles when my housing contract expired and move to either Seattle or Chicago in the fall with home in the San Francisco Bay Area as a layover.

After much deliberation, I chose Chicago as my next destination.

I was set to fly out there this weekend to survey apartments when my parents interfered.

"We won't allow you to move to Chicago. We're wary of your friends in the area."


Today, I returned home from the post office to find my mother conversing with a man I'd never met before in our living room.

"This is Mr. Lee. He's a fortune teller."


Yes, my mother asked a professional fortune teller to assess my future. He drove down from his summer home in British Columbia to "help" me.

Apparently, Mr. Lee had accurately read the fortunes of many of my mother's friends and their children.

While I was away, he input my name and birth date into a software program on his laptop and drew up my fortune chart.

I sat down beside him and my reading began.

Note: I kept quiet throughout the reading, so the following is all the fortune teller and whatever my mother told him beforehand.

You're best-suited to live in the northwest. Seattle, Oregon, Vancouver. Next best would be the northeast. New York, Boston, New Jersey. Any of those places are better for you than Chicago. Your luck is poor in the midwest. Don't move to the wrong location. I know you frequently make rash decisions and come to regret them.

If you move to Seattle, you'll learn a lot of stuff. If you move to Chicago, you won't learn shit. You'll spend all your time socializing.

[at this point, he offered to read the fortunes of my friends in Seattle to see if we're good for each other]

You'll meet more worthwhile people and encounter more career opportunities in Seattle.

[at this point, my mother pointed out that Chicago has cold winter weather]

A move to Seattle or anywhere in the northwest would be most beneficial to your future.

Parents 2, Jon 0.

Other highlights of my reading:

I'm a restless soul. I don't like staying at home. I'll only eat, sleep and shower in the house I live in after marriage.

Females of all ages like me because I'm easy to confide in, but I ignore them more often than not.

The only people who will help me in my life are female.

Before age 24, my educational and professional luck will be unstable.

Before age 34, I shouldn't marry. I should focus all my time and energy on education and my career.

My educational luck this year is very good. I shouldn't look for a job. I should return to school and absorb as much as possible.

I should be careful when I drive because I'm accident-prone.

Between 2007-2016, I should continue educating myself and acquiring degrees.

Between 2007-2016, I'll be lonely.

I should never be the president of anything. I should always work under someone else.

I always trust the opinions of my friends, particularly the ones who like to bullshit. Only females will never bullshit me.

I'll make the most money in my life between the ages of 45 and 54.

The music that they constantly play, it says nothing to me about my life


J-Ram: the R. Kelly album?

Police Say Mother Injected Toddler With Feces

Well, folks, it was bound to happen, with our economy in the state it's in.

Yup, the local dollar store raised its prices (price?) and, consequently, its name.

I'm not sure I'd announce a storewide 25% price increase via a giant banner.

I felt like a douche bag paying for a sandwich with a $100 bill.

The Black Eyed Peas, Tony Yayo and The Bravery will perform at G-Phoria, "the mother of all video game award shows," on Wednesday July 27. The show, hosted by actor Wilmer Valderrama, will air on the G4 channel on Tuesday August 9.

The Bravery?

Upon hearing the news, The Killers promptly signed on to perform at the Teen Choice Awards.

I'm not sure being "the mother of all video game award shows" is very noteworthy, considering only one other video game award show exists.

Also: Why would you claim to have spawned the Spike TV Video Game Awards?

Fall 2005
Smart: Dave Eggers, Sarah Vowell, Daniel Handler (Lemony Snicket), Mike Doughty and the Transatlantic Orchestra in a benefit for 826 Seattle

Upright Citizens Brigade's A.S.S.S.S.C.A.T.: Improv

I Love The 80s: 3D

Lux Et Veritas

"Jon Yu disgusts me. Everything about him disgusts me. I can't even look at him while I'm saying this."

Ho-ly buckets.

I just learned that Matt Neely is the mayor of Mountain View.

The school administrator who once called me "disgusting" to a teacher while standing three feet away from me currently governs my hometown.

According to Coco, the mayoral position rotates yearly among city council members. Neely wasn't directly voted in or anything.

Still, Matt Neely is the mayor of Mountain View! The sycophant's probably wining and dining constituents at Google's cafeteria right now.


Chewing and chewing all day long the way that a cow does

I know this girl who lives in Australia.

Before leaving for the airport yesterday, she complained to me about having to spend the next few weeks at her parents'.

Where do her parents live?


Waaaah! Waaaah! I have to leave Australia to spend a month in Borneo! My life sucks! Waaaah!

Oh shush. You live in Los Angeles.


Grass is always greener, I suppose.

Easy like Sunday morning

As part of its 10-day anniversary celebration, is surprising customers with special celebrity deliveries of their orders.

Latest delivery: Harrison Ford surprised a customer in Jackson Hole, Wyoming when he personally delivered her order of the Star Wars Trilogy.

That was on Day 8.

I wonder if it's too late to overnight a copy of Gravity's Rainbow

Shut up.