Affliction, Endocrine…Vertigo

Sean Burns on War of the Worlds in the Philadelphia Weekly:

It's hard to think of a movie that flames out quite as awfully as this one does. For about an hour I thought I was watching the best movie of the year, and I spent the second half with my face buried shamefully in my hands.

The film dies in Robbins' basement, and it dies hard.

Save for Batman Begins, June's cinema slate suffered from incredibly unsatisfying denouements.

Where was a boss man at the end of Mr. and Mrs. Smith? Why did Kaufman vs. Cholo no-contest after barely a minute in Land of the Dead?

Oh and let's not forget the ALIENS WHO DIED OF FOOD POISONING!

Spielberg hasn't dropped the ball like this since, well, Minority Report.

I might be more excited to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory if Willy Wonka didn't come across as a total buffoon in the trailer. Not Johnny Depp at his finest, no sir… Then again, look at the dialogue written for him:

I don't care…
I can see that.
Hehe. Okay…
You're really weird…
Let's boogie!

Toddlers have a larger vocabulary.


BICYCLE FILM FESTIVAL This "all-out celebration of bicycle culture…reflects the diversity of bicycling, from urban bikers to road racing to BMXers." Highlights include The Warriors: The Bike Race, about 800 bikers who raced all night from the Bronx to Coney Island in an epic re-creation of the '70s cult gang flick The Warriors.

Is it geeky that I browse film event listings in the newspaper?

I attended the festival's Urban Bike Shorts Program this past Saturday.

Full disclosure: I'm no bicycling enthusiast. I prefer Parkour…

The 90-minute series of bicycle-related short films, headlined by The Warriors: The Bike Race, entertained more than you would think. I exited the theatre with a newfound desire to race through urban traffic on a track bike (no brakes).

Turnout impressed me for a film festival in Los Angeles centered around bicycling. I'd deem the event "ironic" except that I've been self-conscious about misusing the word ever since Alanis released that song.

Folks in the audience actually booed a bicyclist in the Warriors short when he mentioned that he was the only participant from Los Angeles.

If I had one gripe, it was the choice of venue. The Vine Theatre is the shittiest theatre my ass has ever graced. It's dilapidated, malodorous, rarely cleaned and its three employees are straight out of Deliverance.

I never discussed my Murder-Set-Pieces experience at the Vine last December.

Jon's brain: Jon, let's not bother.
Jessica Alba: No… Let's.

Murder-Set-Pieces sucked like a slutty Roomba. Critics totally inflated the gruesomeness of the film as I suspected they would. I'm not sure when my groans became audible — during the scene in which the antagonist fellates himself in his car with the severed head of a prostitute or the scene in which said antagonist does push-ups while his big screen television in the background plays video of Hitler speaking at a Nazi rally.

The Warriors: The Bike Race, which cleverly intersplices footage from the source film, will screen only once more in the States when the Bicycle Film Festival visits San Francisco this fall, at a better venue I hope.

I'm currently scrambling to secure this the next stop on the Adam Riff™ festival circuit. Why must Montreal be so far away?

A mesmerizing force to be reckoned with

In the wake of the release of Land of the Dead, another zombie flick arrives in North American theatres this Friday courtesy of the formidable Australian film industry, one that brought us such classics as Chopper, Babe and…uh…Chopper.

To promote Undead, Lions Gate designed and distributed fake tabloid flyers.

Inexplicably missing from the flyers is the film's awesome tagline: "Crazy has come to town for a visit."

Adam Robot walked out of a screening and he, besides being a zombie enthusiast, sat through D.E.B.S. and Down to You.

We'll see…

Futurama panoramas
stitched together from screenshots

Alone above a raging sea

Today is the wedding day of my buddies Cameron and Amanda.

Both are younger than me.

I'm 22.

Usually when people marry young it's for sex, but I've encountered no evidence that the bride and/or groom are holy rollers.

Regardless, best wishes to them.

Next up to the altar: McKern (engaged in March).

I pray that some of my buddies in serious relationships delay the inevitable. I simply don't have the money at this juncture in my life to keep splurging on wedding gifts.


I need a job.

A grammarian stuck in a medical drama

Bewitched opens today.

If I'm still alive, I wonder how I'll react in, say, 2030 to the film adaptation of Family Matters. Will I be able to accept whom producers cast as Carl and Urkel? More importantly, will Stefan appear?

I'm fiercely possessive of my broadcast youth and, like many middle-aged people nowadays, wary of how another generation will treat it.

That said, I mulled over which shows I grew up watching that I would someday like to see translated into cinema.

Tops on my list is The Adventures of Brisco County Jr.

Other considerations: 21 Jump Street, ALF, Gargoyles, MacGyver, Nowhere Man, Out of this World, Parker Lewis Can't Lose, Profit and Quantum Leap.

I'm just a fallen angel trying to keep my dick hard in a monotheistic society

Adam Robot and I deconstruct "the BAT-man":

J: i await its dvd release so we can play a drinking game
J: every time a character says "fear," "justice" or "theatricality," take a shot
J: minus points if puking begins before batman does

J: who designed r'as al ghul's headquarters? wwe?
A: that thing was made of balsa
J: also: for a stone mansion, wayne manor sure collapsed quickly
A: i remember seeing a marble staircase
A: yet the place burned to the ground

J: where did all the bats come from when he activated that homing device?
A: just more technology you don't have jon
A: bat storage facility

J: did you notice the "zombies"?
A: yeah
A: they looked more like freshly-turned zombies
A: but they acted like them
J: why would you attack something you fear at close range?
J: one man was fuckin' eating another man's head

A: the fights were shot too close
A: it was just a mess
A: i don't have a problem with a tight fight shot, but the entire thing…

Pennsylvania natives the Bloodhound Gang are campaigning to have their new song "Pennsylvania" become the official state song of the Commonwealth. The track, which will appear on their fourth full-length album Hefty Fine, is not exactly complementary toward their home state, but you can judge for yourself.

Frontman Jimmy Pop says, "The only thing better than this becoming the new state song of Pennsylvania would be not living there."

video for "Hitler Rap" by The Whitest Kids U Know
Seth Freedland's Hitler mustache for my production of The Complete History of America (Abridged) in high school wouldn't stay put either.

video for "Wind Beneath My Wings" by Yidcore
Computer animation transforms a band of Jewish punks from Melbourne into superheroes who protect Barbra Streisand from Bette Midler as she morphs into King Kong, Godzilla and the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man.

the morning after with Garrison
His lisp only enhances the hilarity.

Promedio Amarillo

Am I the only one to notice that Cartoon Network's The Life and Times of Juniper Lee is a total rip-off of Disney Channel's American Dragon: Jake Long?

Compare the synopses:

Jake Long is an average 13-year-old boy…until he learns his amazing destiny. He is a descendant of dragons and it's his duty to protect magical creatures secretly living among the masses in New York City.

Juniper Lee has activities and hobbies like any other 11-year-old, but she is also the Te Xuan Ze (the Protector). For generations, a member of her family has had both the honor and burden of keeping the balance between the real and magical world. Now it's her turn.

Why do Chinese cartoon characters always live a double life and spend their covert supernatural one warding off monsters and shit?

Even on Jackie Chan Adventures, Chan works as an archaeologist when he's not battling demons with the help of magic.

I need to check with my boss…because he's a shark

People who saw Revenge of the Sith on Father's Day received a free collectible Father's Day poster.

Ten bucks says the individual behind this marketing gimmick also conceived those "Who da man? Yoda man!" commercials for Attack of the Clones.

Father's Day posters would have been more appropriate in conjunction with The Empire Strikes Back or Return of the Jedi. In those Episodes, father and son spend quality time together.

In Episode III, Anakin, proud father-to-be, injures his pregnant wife and then runs off with a man, rendering his children orphans.

Instead of a rhetorical question, I'm inclined to read "who's your daddy?" as an interrogative statement.

Tatooinian: Who's your daddy?
Luke: I dunno. He abandoned me before I was born. Deadbeat fucker…

I caught a Food Network special on Disney World. During a segment on Epcot Center, a montage of the various pavilions of the park's World Showcase played.

French guy and girl: Bienvenue vers la France!
German guy and girl: Willkommen in Deutschland!
Chinese guy and girl: Huan1 ying2 dao4 Zhong1 Guo2!

I saw a Hindian guy and a white girl and thought, "This must be the India pavilion."


Hindian guy and white girl: Welcome to Canada!


Why does Canada have a pavilion? What culture does Canada have? India doesn't have a pavilion, nor do Greece, Egypt and Russia. Certainly those countries deserve to be included in a world showcase more than Canada.

Host Marc Summers noted that eateries at each pavilion offer the represented country's cuisine.

I wonder what Canadian food tastes like.

Tushar in Waterloo:
we eat poutine
poutine = french fries

beaver tails
= doughnuts
tim hortons!
yes, and wendy's
inside the canada pavilion is a wendy's

It seems like every few years, Disney finds another anniversary to celebrate at its theme parks. The 50th anniversary of Disneyland, the 100th anniversary of Walt Disney, the 35th anniversary of this, the 40th anniversary of that… Any clean number will suffice.

While I'm not one to dismiss writing that's published online, I'm troubled by credentialed journalists' increasing tendency toward quoting blogs and message boards.

Here's an argument against the practice from the Chicago Tribune:

'Happy slap' yobs breed fear, anger

Watch out for "happy slapping," the latest youth craze to sweep Britain.

Groups of teenagers approach an unsuspecting person and begin punching and kicking him or her while capturing it all on their mobile camera phones. The images are later uploaded and shared on the Internet.

"I happyslap people," explained "Huni bo" from Sleaford on a popular yob blog. "I dnt see nowt wrong wit it tho, ima good person! Its well funni tho!!"

"It's not funny," replied Spartanette from Swansea. "If it's just among mates and you actually know the person, then it's harmless, but when you do it to someone you don't even know, you deserve a beating."

"So I deserve a beatin yeh?" replied Huni bo. "Wes onli do it ppl lyk are age ish, say from 15 — 19 or 20. summats, wunt do it to an old man, even though they keep avin a go at us, an it dus are heds in!"

News shouldn't read like an Irvine Welsh novel.

Author Neal Stephenson's op-ed on Star Wars
Video review: Brazilian Star Wars

The west coast has been traumatized

day one: little house of savages
day two: poser points
day three: spicy noodles
day four: high school's over and you still won't quit

Right now, video game enthusiasts are filming and networking at E3, opening day for Revenge of the Sith is underway, and people that I know may be involved in both. I'm Federal Asian Jon Yu, and this is the longest week of my life.


Matt: I like the Lord of the Rings movies a lot.

Jon: Jord! Who the fuck are you talking to?
Jord: [to Jon with a shit-eating grin] Jose.

Jose: I'm in town this week covering E3 parties for the Post.

Tushar and I booked a hotel room for Tuesday and Wednesday so we'd have a quiet place to prepare for our meeting with Nintendo.

Jon: What the hell is Robert doing here?
Nate: Jord invited him. Pete sanctioned his request.
Jon: You know Pete wants me gone!
Nate: Dude, Robert's not there spying for Pete.

Jon: I planted an 11-38 in Robert's A-B last night and I've lost the trigger. What else besides a trigger can detonate an 11-38?
Nate: Punch to the stomach or a flat fall, obviously. Hmmm. Sex? If it's rough enough.

Young Republican Mark: Yo, it's Mark.
Jon: In what direction are you driving?
Mark: Um…
Jon: Do you see a lot of people and news vans ahead to your left?
Jon: Hello?
Mark: [to people in car] Do you see news vans?

Jon: [checks watch] I'll be back.
Elizabeth: Where are you going? The movie's about to start.
Jon: Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch are M.I.A. [sigh] Just my luck…

The following takes place between Thursday May 19 and Friday May 20.

12:02 am
Jon: What are you five doing loitering here in the lobby? I told you the movie's in the dome! [sigh] This way… Hurry!
Mark: We saw Tom from MySpace.

12:05 am :: inside cinerama dome
Jon: These are your seats.
Mark's suspicious-looking Hindian friend: TOM! Tom from MySpace! What's up, buddy?

I soon realized that Mark and company never learned the art of tactful hooping and hollering during a midnight screening.

2:45 am
Joe: For someone who's usually so passive, you sounded like a plebe at a wrestling match.

Neither did I, for that matter.

Mark messaged me the following day.

ha man sorry if we were pretty obnoxious
we hot boxed before we met up
hope it wasnt too noticeable
we werent gonna smooke
but we were afraid to leave a bag of weed in the car

If they could smoke a bag of weed in one sitting, it probably wasn't enough weed to be worrying over.

im pissed i didnt get my picture with tom

2:00 pm
[keyboard clacking]
Jon: Oi. What time is it?
Matt: 2:00 pm.
Jon: Damn.
Matt: We stayed up pretty late.
Jon: True. When did the E3ers leave?
Matt: Dunno. I was asleep.
Jon: Ah. Where's Joe?
Matt: Still sleeping on the loft.
Jon: [sigh] Dog day afternoon…

4:30 pm
Matt: What the hell, Joe?
[Joe laughs]
Jon: What's goin' on?
Matt: Joe's throwing shit on me from the loft like he's fuckin' Lakitu.
Jon: Joe…
Joe: Oooh. A spider!
[Matt yelps]
4:35 pm
Jon: You're afraid of spiders?
Matt: Yeah.
Jon: Haha.
Jon: Hahahahahaha. Do you cover your eyes during the scenes with Shelob in Return of the King? Haha.

5:10 pm
Jon: He's walking around with a live bomb inside his body, Nate, and I'm helpless. Manual detonation is simply too risky.
Nate: You sure you lost the trigger?
Jon: Checked every nook and cranny of my place. Nada.
Jon: The human body can co-exist with an 11-38, right?
Nate: Sure…as long as no outside forces upset the triggering mechanism.
Jon: Well, he's not a fighter. That much I know. You mentioned sex though.
Nate: Dude, just tell him.
Jon: And jeopardize our friendship?
Nate: Friendship. Ha. That's funny. Hold on. I have a call on the other line.

6:00 pm
Jon: Hello?
Chad: Hey, it's Chad. Did you miss me?
Jon: Not particularly. Joe, on the other hand, is a complete wreck. Acute Paulson withdrawal.
Chad: Heh. Well, tell him I'm on my way over.
Jon: Will do.
6:48 pm
Forest: Tushar and I are off to sightsee. We'd like you to come along. Nudge nudge, wink wink.
Jon: I hate to decline, but I have plans later for Robert. With Robert. With!
Forest: Okay. No worries.

6:50 pm
Jon: How was your meeting with Nintendo?
Chad: Good.
Jon: I heard you skipped E3 yesterday to prepare.
Chad: Yeah.
Matt: Hey Chad. Do you have any other games for your DS?
Chad: D-Don't turn it off! I downloaded that demo today and it'll disappear with the power.
Matt: But it's a puzzle game.
Chad: Damn right it is.
Matt: Hmmm… Meteos.
Jon: What else you do at E3 today?
Chad: After the meeting, Tushar and I toured the premises with Forest. Haha. Forest was held rapt in wonder by this Sega game in which the player assaults bums with a 2×4 with exposed nails at the end, among other activities. Very odd sight. It was like watching Woody Allen torture handicapped puppies.
Jon: Erm…
Chad: Oh and we saw the Taxi Driver game.
IGN may have high quality screenshots, but Adam Riff™ has exclusive ones.

Bickle's apartment

Apparently, the game is set after the film. The scum and the filth murdered Iris and Travis seeks revenge. Gameplay is a combination of driving and third-person action like Grand Theft Auto.

7:20 pm
Jon: Robert, you have a minute?
Robert: Yeah.
Jon: On the balcony.
[Jon and Robert step onto balcony]
Jon: Have a seat.
Robert: Uh…okay…
Jon: [sigh] So… How's your sex life been lately?
Robert: My what?
Jon: Your [clears throat] sex life.
Robert: It's…it's all right.
Jon: Cool, cool.
Jon: You like rough sex?
Robert: Jon, you're creeping me out here…
Jon: Hold me! Like you did by the lake on Naboo!

7:25 pm
Jon: I couldn't do it.
Nate: You need to. The easiest way to rid your life of the bomb is to tell him. I'll set him up with a surgeon when he returns.
Nate: Well?
Jon: Why involve another person?
Nate: Jon, no…
8:00 pm
Jord: Culver City sounds like a location in a Pokémon game.

8:30 pm
Jon: Hello?
Jose: Jon.
Jon: Yes?
Jose: KISS and the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Are they Sony Music artists?
Jon: What?
Jose: They're playing at the Sony E3 party tonight.
Jon: Ah. Well, I know Warner Bros. distributes the Chili Peppers. Not sure about KISS.
Jose: Okay. Guess where I am?
Jon: Where?
Jose: On a mesa overlooking Dodger Stadium. I had to take a 20-minute shuttle ride to arrive here.
Jon: Heh.
Jose: All right, I have to go. Jimmy Eat World is about to perform. Don't do anything rash concerning Robert!
Jon: Robert?
Jose: Yeah. Your friend Jord told me that one of your supervisors agreed to fund production of his documentary if he could give him a solid reason to fire you. Hence, Robert.
Jon: Jord told you this?
Jose: Yeah.
Jon: Boy has quite an imagination…

8:40 pm
Jon: Blood money.
Nate: Come on, now…
Jon: Pete knows that off-duty misconduct warrants a suspension at most. He also knows that I'm-a cover my tracks anyway. Don't you see? He WANTS me to kill Robert!
Nate: So tell Robert about the situation and Pete won't have a case.
Jon: I could, but…
[dramatic music]
Jon: I play by my own rules.

10:01 pm
Wilcox: Say, where's the Nakatomi building?
Jon: Century City. Not that far from Westwood. Why?
Wilcox: Jord and I want to re-enact scenes from Die Hard and send the footage to Tony.
Jon: Tell you what. Tomorrow after E3, I'll take you two there.
Wilcox: Schweet.
Jord: Century City sounds like a location in a Pokémon game too. Haha.
Jon: Yes, Jord. Tee hee.

11:59 pm
Jon: Understand? Yeah. Tomorrow night. Punctuality is important. Yup. Thanks again. I owe you.
[Jon hangs up phone]

11:59:58 pm
11:59:59 pm
12:00 am

I'm worried for my tired country

Howard Stern reports that Crispin Glover will play The Joker in the follow-up to Batman Begins.


As Hollywood resorts to adapting B-list comic book series (Fantastic Four, Ghost Rider, Iron Man), I'd like to nominate an untapped Marvel goldmine.

Cable. Son of Cyclops.

Kiefer Sutherland as Cable. Bob Sapp as the fine villain Apocalypse.


Then in the sequel, Cable battles Stryfe, his clone brother and the adopted son of Apocalypse, played by Michael Biehn.



Wishful thinking, I suppose…

Related (from 2003):
I nominate Dark Claw
Jon nominates Battle Pope

Merchants of Soul

The Station Agent (2003)
Maria Full of Grace (2004)
Hustle and Flow (2005)

I saw the 2005 Sundance Film Festival Audience Award winner Monday night. Whiter Writer/director Craig Brewer and producer John Singleton fielded questions afterward.

The audience consisted primarily of old white ladies and black people. Needless to say, everybody was talking during the film.

I kid, I kid.

If he's not already, Terrence Howard will be the breakthrough actor of the year. He was good as a wussy bourgeoisie television director in Crash and he's even better as a southern pimp who dreams of being a hip hop star in Hustle and Flow.

Howard, a chemical engineering major, appears opposite Ludacris in both films.

Josey Scott, the singer for the band Saliva, plays a convenience store clerk.

NocturneL Emissions

Ogre on Ishmail's Next-perience:

—we tivoed it
—so good
—the best is the really subtle things
—like when the chick gets excited about the beatboxing, and shes goes "OH YOU CAN BEATBOX??!?!"
—you hear him go "no"
—we noticed that after watching it for the 6th time
—he said hes gonna do blind date too
—i really cant wait for that

Carte Blanche

I realized the other day that I've been friends since childhood with a real-life CTU field agent.

In high school, this friend qualified for Mensa and became an army reserve on a whim.

After graduating college with a film degree, this friend became a security guard in order to acquire a firearm license.

This friend subsequently applied to the Los Angeles Police Department while in law school and became a peace officer, acquiring a motorcycle license in the process.

Currently, this friend is preparing to acquire a pilot's license.

Next up: a boat license.

Of course, this is the same friend who memorized Ace Ventura: Pet Detective line for line and flirted with spending a summer living life as a pirate.

No Hard Feelings

The following is an undoctored screenshot:


Note the website and then note the banner ad at the top.

Land of the Dead special makeup effects supervisor Greg Nicotero in Entertainment Weekly:

"This gag is the one most people freak out over," he says. "When [LOTD director George Romero] saw this even he said 'It's over the top.'"

On-screen, a zombie literally reaches its fist into a guy's mouth and pulls his throat out. When it ends, Nicotero just stares at the computer and starts cracking up. "Isn't that awesome?! He pulls his whole esophagus out! I mean, why wouldn't he? He's a zombie!"

The Hollywood Park Music Garden Concert Series continues Friday July 15th with "Legends of Old School" featuring Tone-Loc and Coolio.

I thought I was old when Nick at Nite started airing Full House. When Tone-Loc and Coolio are considered "old school," I KNOW I'm old.

Brothers must have hit rock bottom if they agreed to perform at a race track.

Speaking of old school, Young Republican Mark called me at 2:30 am and told me to turn on MTV. Lo and behold, I see Ishmail ( on Next. He was the fifth man called up.

Ishmail, 24
—shaves his own head
—matches his boxers to his clothing
—laughed so hard at a party a tooth fell out

The lonely female made Ish eat cheesecake with her at the Brewing Company here in Westwood. She "nexted" him for refusing to fetch her chocolate syrup. He spent like 25 minutes ignoring her repeated solicitations for chocolate syrup.

Post-"nexting," Ish pointed at his crotch and said, "I got your chocolate syrup right here."

Good times.

Seven Stop Hold Restart

Matthew West wants to send file

You tenacious beef-loving motherfucker…

The conglomerate at work:

The day before 20th Century Fox's Mr. and Mrs. Smith opened in theatres, Fox News Channel's The O'Reilly Factor ran a segment on Angelina Jolie.

In addition to being a United Nations Goodwill Ambassador, Angelina Jolie has donated millions of dollars to the UN. The Factor unsuccessfully tried to determine exactly how Jolie's money is being spent.

The Factor applauded Jolie's good intentions, but denounced the UN bureaucracy. "I think Angelina Jolie is a good woman. But I don't think any human being on Earth could track this money."

Of all the news in the world, Bill chooses to spend time discussing Angelina Jolie's charity? Fox could have at least come up with a more substantial pretense on which to build a puff piece.

Immediately following said segment…

Martha Jones, Norfolk, VA: "Mr. O'Reilly, I just watched your segment on the Kansas doctor who may be aborting babies with Down Syndrome. I am heartsick. Our three-year-old son has that and he is not only gifted, but a gift to us."

Is it wrong that I laughed?

High school's over and you still won't quit

day one: little house of savages
day two: poser points
day three: spicy noodles

Right now, video game enthusiasts are filming and networking at E3, opening day for Revenge of the Sith is approaching, and people that I know may be involved in both. I'm Federal Asian Jon Yu, and this is the longest week of my life.


Jon: What the hell is Robert doing here? You know Pete wants me gone!
Jon: I'll…deal with the situation.

[Jon extracts steel briefcase from underneath desk]
Matt: What are you gonna do while we're out?
Jon: Whatever's necessary.

The following takes place between Wednesday May 18 and Thursday May 19.

8:00 am
Robert: Jon.
Robert: Jon!
Jon: Whaaa? Yes?
Robert: I'm leaving for E3. Will anyone be here when I return this evening?
Jon: No. We'll all be at Star Wars.
Robert: Do you have a spare key?
Jon: No. Uh… When E3's over, stop by the theatre and I'll give you my key.
Robert: Okay.
Jon: You have my cell number?
Robert: Yeah.
Jon: Shibby.

1:00 pm
[Jon whistles Star Wars theme]
Matt: Are you wearing that Star Wars Burger King crown to the screening?
Jon: Yeah.
Joe: Jon, you love the attention.

He said it with such conviction.

[Jon checks pockets]
Jon: All right. Let's go.

5:00 pm :: borders
Jon: We arrived way too early.
Matt: You think?
Jon: Fuckin' reserved seating…
Joe: Poker, anyone?
Jon: Sure. Let me get a caramel macchiato first.

5:05 pm
Barista: That'll be $4.85, sir.
[Jon searches pockets for change]
Jon: Shit!

5:07 pm
Jon: Have either of you seen a trigger?
Matt: A what?
Jon: Looks like a joystick, about the size of a Pez dispenser…
Joe: A trigger? What the fuck?
Jon: Have you seen one?
Joe: Nigga please.
Jon: What about you?
Matt: Nope.
Jon: [sigh] Fuck!
Matt: What's the matter?
Jon: Robert.
Matt: What about him?
Jon: There's a bomb in his ribcage.

5:09 pm
Jon: Wait…
[Jon runs to medical book section]

5:15 pm
Jon: Sorry. I thought the ribcage extended lower. What I meant to say was "there's a bomb in his abdomen."
Jon: Kinda ruined the joke, didn't I?

5:20 pm
Nate: Hello?
Jon: Nate, I made a boo-boo.
Nate: What happened?
Jon: I planted an 11-38 in Robert's A-B last night and I've lost the trigger.
Nate: Jesus. An 11-38? Was that really necessary?
Jon: I need to make sure he doesn't talk to Pete.
Nate: Man, you're paranoid. Sure you didn't leave the trigger at home or something?
Jon: Yes! I inventoried my pockets carefully before I left this morning.
Nate: The hell did you plan to do?
Jon: Disembowel Robert during his commute back from E3. The ensuing crash would ensure his death.
Nate: Pete would be mighty suspicious if one of his men magically became a torso and legs in the middle of traffic.
Jon: Let him be suspicious. I left no scar, and labs will never trace the alloy.
Nate: Jon… Have you thought about seeing a shrink? My girlfriend kno—
Jon: What else besides a trigger can detonate an 11-38?
Nate: [sigh] Punch to the stomach or a flat fall, obviously. Hmmm. Sex?
Jon: Sex?
Nate: If it's rough enough.
Jon: Right… All right. I'll figure out a solution.

5:40 pm
Matt: Hey, uh, how did you get a bomb inside his body without leaving a scar?
Jon: Miniature explosive. Injected it through his belly button. Check.
Matt: You're sick, you know that? I raise two.
Jon: Says the open-lobed freak who spends all his free time browsing BMEzine.
Joe: I call and raise you two more packets of Splenda.
Jon: Keep flapping your mouth and I'll put a bomb in you too. I fold.
Matt: Go ahead. I'll enjoy showing detectives the scar on my OUTIE. Call.
Jon: What makes you think I'll put it in your gut?
Matt: Nothing.
Joe: Two pair beats your non-hand.
Jon: Notice how I said "gut."

6:00 pm
Matt: Haha. That black lady on the patio just pulled a large bong out of her bag.
6:10 pm
Jon: Hello?
Robert: I'm leaving E3. Do you have an address for me?
Jon: Yeah. Hold on.

6:20 pm
Elementary-School-Age Boy: Excuse me. Would y'all like to buy this bong for $17?
Matt: No thanks.
Boy: Otay.
[boy returns to patio as his mother lollers]
Joe: Some parent she is…
Jon: Word.
Joe: Shut the fuck up, Jon. God, you love the attention…

7:30 pm
Jon: Hello?
Robert: I'm in the parking lot.
Jon: We'll be waiting.
[Jon hangs up]
Jon: [glaring at Matt and Joe] Not a word, gentlemen.

8:15 pm :: outside cinerama dome
Jon: Is this where I pick up my tickets?
Shing: Hey. Nice crown.
Jon: Heh. Sadly, this is all I own. As a staunch completionist, I can neither afford nor convince myself to hunt down the toys. Too many of 'em.
Shing: One guy in "the line" ran out of a Burger King with the display case housing all 31 toys. He offered the lady behind the counter $50 and she told him to hurry before her manager returned. Haha.

Apparently, Forest shot this photograph moments after a female theatre employee caught Jord flaunting his pubes.

View more images of our Star Wars prequel here and here.

10:30 pm
Jon: Hello?
Young Republican Mark: Yo, it's Mark.
Jon: What's up?
Mark: We're nearing Vine.
Jon: Okay. In what direction are you driving?
Mark: Um…
Jon: Do you see a lot of people and news vans ahead to your left?
Jon: Hello?
Mark: [to people in car] Do you see news vans?
Jon: Look for the only active area in the vicinity.
Mark: Yeah, I see what you're describing.
Jon: That's the theatre. At the light after Vine, turn left.
Mark: We just passed Vine.
Jon: Okay. At the next light, turn left.
Mark: What?
Jon: Turn left on Ivar.
Mark: Ivar…
Mark: I see Ivar!
Jon: Turn left and you'll see a parking structure on your left.
Mark: [to people in car] He said turn left, dude!
Mark: [to people in car] Is that a parking structure?
Jon: Hello?
Mark: Yeah, we good.

11:45 pm :: inside cinerama dome
Jon: Ahoy.
Doug: Hey.
Jon: I apologize for neglecting you two tonight. I'm trying to rotate time with each faction of our little clusterfuck.
Elizabeth: No worries.
Jon: How's life in here?
Elizabeth: Um… Your friend from Michigan keeps pretending to throw up. Quite audibly, I might add.
Jon: Which one?
Doug: The Jew.
Jon: Say no more.

11:48 pm
Jon: Jord, knock off th—

11:59 pm
Jon: [checks watch] I'll be back.
Elizabeth: Where are you going? The movie's about to start.
Jon: Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch are M.I.A. [sigh] Just my luck…

11:59:58 pm
11:59:59 pm
12:00 am

!pants; !pants; !pants;

The folks at Dairy Queen are funny.

Naming a series of tan-colored coffee drinks "MooLattés"? That's funny.

I'm sure the DQ wizards already have Hapatizers and Choctoroons in development.

Do you think Mancow refers to his wife as "Dairy Queen"?

The NHL hiatus left ESPN2 scrambling to fill lost programming. Competitions for fringe sports like juggling and Scrabble have graced the Deuce in hockey's stead.

Yesterday, I caught the end of the 2005 MATHCOUNTS National Competition on ESPN2. Yes, the middle school mathematics program.

The two finalists were Chinese. Shocking, I know.

Detroit hosted this year's competition, likely resulting in the largest influx of Asian people into the city…ever.

But I digress.

Neal Wu vs. Mark Zhang. Wu won 4-1.

Wu could not have been less enthused when the host announced he'd won. Total blank expression on his face.

Some hack from ESPN interviewed the Louisianan 7th grader afterward.

Q: How did you get so fast?
Q: How did you learn all that math?

Then, the kicker (I am not making this up):

Q. What teacher helped you the most?
A: My math teacher.

Meh! To the wire!
Auto response from Rory Hornblower: the wire: season one
You gotta come over and take some solar bong rips wid me

Yup…these are my friends.