Red State Report with Rory Hornblower

If the press intends to forcefeed me Danica Patrick hype until she wins, here's hoping she starts racing wheelchairs soon.

Cowboy Troy is such an Uncle Tom. He markets himself as bizarro Eminem but fails to grasp that there's nothing cool about a black guy who associates with country music artists and raps about being a hick.

Imagine his Cribs segment.

"This is where the magic happens — my cotton field."

Little House of Savages

All right. The statute of limitations expired and I'm free to discuss what happened.

Last time, I incorporated The Amazing Race. This time, I'm using 24.

Shall we begin?

Right now, video game enthusiasts are plotting to film and network at E3, opening day for Revenge of the Sith is approaching, and people that I know may be involved in both. I'm Federal Asian Jon Yu, and this is the longest week of my life.

How be it?
it's hot
it's very hot
i feel like a prisoner here
waiting for jord to arrive

I have a nickname for you
I can't wait to tell you.

of course
It would be cowardly of me to introduce it online.

i see…
okay then

The following takes place between Sunday May 15 and Monday May 16.

10:20 am
[phone rings]
Jon: [sigh] Hello?
Did I wake you?
Jon: Who is this?
Jon: No.
It's Chad.
Jon: What's up?
Chad: We'll be over there soon.
Jon: Awesome!

11:40 am
Jon: [pokes Jord with a stick] Jord.
Jon: Jord, wake up! We have to pick up Forest.
Jord: [sigh] Let me take a shower first.

11:42 am
Jon Wilcox: Do you have any aspirin?
Jon: Nah. Sorry.
Wilcox: That's all right. I'll stop by a drugstore while you two are at the airport.
Jon: You okay?
Wilcox: Yeah. I just have a minor headache. I get them every time I visit Los Angeles.
Jon: Weird.
Jord: Joe, if Chad or Tushar call, let them in.
Joe: [grunts]

11:50 am
Jon: Turn right up here.
Jord: Shit… Look who it is.
[car pulls over, Jord exits car]
Tushar: Long time no see, buddy.
Chad: [peeking through driver's side window] Hey, Yu.
Jord: I hate to cut this short, but I have to pick up my friend at LAX. We'll be back shortly.

1:30 pm
Jord: Yo yo. What's goin' on?
Wilcox: Tushar set up a wireless router.
Jon: Sweet.
Chad: Jon Yu! Want to hear my nickname for "yu"?
Jon: Sure.
Chad: Okay. It's kind of offensive, but…
Jon: Just say it.
Chad: [clears throat] Jyu! [pronounced "jew"]
Jon: That's it?
Chad: Yeah. It's your first initial plus…
Jon: Yeah yeah. I get it.
Chad: Well?
Jon: Get the fuck outta my place.

5:00 pm
Tushar: Is there anything to do tonight?
Jon: Uh…The Walkmen are playing.
Forest: The Walkmen? Where?
Jon: Santa Ana.
Forest: How far away is that?
Jon: 50 miles?
Forest: That's manageable.
Jon: Haven't you seen The Walkmen before?
Forest: Yeah, but they're absolutely amazing live. I really want to see them again. Let's go!
I don't think you could find a room full of less enthusiastic people.

Forest: Jon?
Jon: I'm not enough of a fan to travel so far, and I'm not the one with a car.
Forest: Jord. Come on. The Walkmen. Tonight.
Jord: I dunno…
Forest: What time is the show?
Jon: Doors at 8:00 pm.
Forest: We can totally make it.
Jord: Eh.
Forest: Please, Jord. I flew out here from Michigan to help you with your documentary. The least you could do is give me a ride to see one of the most incredible bands in the universe. Please!
Jord: [sigh] Fine.
Forest: Thank you sooo much. You're the best.

7:15 pm
Jord: Ready to go?
Forest: Let me just make a quick phone call and then we can leave.
[Forest dials a number and steps onto balcony]
Forest: мы уеэжаем теперь.

11:59 pm
Jord: [to Forest] Who are you working for? Tell me! WHO SENT YOU?

11:59:58 pm
11:59:59 pm
12:00 am

Jesus fuckin' Christ in a birch bark canoe

Even if you don't follow sports, I suggest tuning in to one of the remaining NBA Eastern Conference Finals games on TNT to catch this strange commercial for the NBA Finals in which fat Magic Johnson plays basketball with the Fantastic Four.

Do you think Magic has had sex since testing positive for HIV? Surely he cannot have gone the past 14 years without coitus. Then again, I cannot imagine any woman would agree to intercourse with an HIV-infected partner. Maybe he imports lays from Africa.

Drive-Thru Records will release a tribute album to Bob Dylan in August.

See: title of post.

According to Drive-Thru's website: "We were introduced to his music through one of our favorite bands, The Alarm, back in the mid-nineties. Bob Dylan is one of the greatest songwriters of all time…musically and lyrically!!!"


I finally saw Unleashed.

In one scene, Jet Li pouts and says, "My mother was a whore."

Oh how I wish someone would YTMND that line.

Conor's moving in with a buddy of his who happens to be a deaf weed dealer.

What a marvelous idea for a television series.

Deaf Weed Dealer.

Consider the spin-off possibilities:
Quadriplegic Pimp
Retarded Loan Shark
Rick Santorum

Help me get out of this HTM-HELL!!!

Once upon a time

My mother called me from Taipei.

Uncle #6 on my mother's side was recently diagnosed with stomach cancer.

I don't know how many more deaths in my family I can handle.

I'm tired of visiting hospitals and attending funerals.

In my 22 years of living, ten family members have died on me. I've had no grandparents since 1999 and at the rate my relatives are dying, I'll have no aunts and uncles before I turn 30.

To make matters worse, Uncle #6 is the uncle I'm closest to, my favorite uncle. He may be the Roy Koopa of my mother's family, a hothead who once locked his son in a doghouse with the dog on a rainy night, but I still love him.


I'd just like a few years without tragedy. For my sake. For my parents' sake.

C'est la vie.

Cinema Beer Goggles

Adam Riff™'s Summer Movie Preview

Remake (June 3)
Adaptation (June 10)
Remake (June 10)
Prequel (June 15)
Sequel (June 22)
Adaptation (June 24)
Sequel (June 24)
Remake (June 29)
Remake (July 8)
Adaptation (July 8)
Remake (July 15)
Remake (July 22)
Sequel (July 22)
Sequel (August 5)
Adaptation (August 5)
Remake (August 5)
Sequel (August 12)
Adaptation (August 12)

Things that make you go "hmmm"

If you had to watch one of the following, which film would you choose?

a. Star Wars: Episode I: The Phantom Menace
b. The Matrix Reloaded
c. The Godfather: Part III

Adam Robot sent me this endlessly amusing YTMND of Darth Vader saying "Noooooooooo!" at the end of Revenge of the Sith (the audio probably won't play in Firefox).

Like father, like son.

Which is more cheesy and hilarious: Vader's "Noooooooooo!" in Sith or Luke's "Noooooooooo!" in The Empire Strikes Back after Vader's revelation?

Frankensith or Princess Luke?

21st Century Digital Boy

Holy cannoli!

I just saw the program schedule for the 2005 Visual Effects Society Festival in Santa Monica.

Day two:

a panel on Sin City with visual effects people from Cafe FX, The Orphanage and Hybride

a panel on Revenge of the Sith with visual effects people from ILM

a conversation with Academy Award-winning visual effects men Jim Rygiel (Lord of the Rings trilogy, Starship Troopers) and Richard Edlund (original Star Wars trilogy, Ghostbusters, Die Hard)

a panel on video games with Lorne Lanning (Oddworld), Glenn Entis (Chief Visual Officer of Electronic Arts, co-founder of PDI [Shrek]) and others to be announced

a screening of Batman Begins preceded by a panel with visual effects people from Double Negative


Could there be a more perfect day? I'm totally geekin' out here.

Day passes supposedly go on sale next week.

Bit Rate Variations in B-Flat

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog on TRL:

Eminem being a white rapper, that just means that he has the smallest penis in hip-hop. Well, him and Missy Elliott.

Mad magazine was an important part of my childhood. Between the ages of 7 and 14, I devoured every issue and paperback compilation I could find, stealing them if necessary.

With the exception of Frank Jacobs' song parodies, which didn't translate well in print, I couldn't get enough of Mad: all the film and television parodies, Duck Edwing's alliterative episodes, Spy vs. Spy (by Prohais), The Lighter Side of, Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions…

In the same way that some thirtysomethings feel disconnected with the Star Wars prequels, I'm very disappointed at what Mad has since become.

Gone, for the most part, are the magazine's trademark parodies, replaced with captioned AP photographs and Monroe, who, continuing the Star Wars analogy, is the Jar Jar Binks of Mad. Moreover, a semi-color format isn't all it's cracked up to be if it requires matte paper and, consequently, the involvement of advertisers to cover costs.

Mad is still Mad, but it's not the Mad I grew up loving.

Needless to say, I'm cautiously optimistic about this news release:

Beck just filmed a video for "Girl," the second single from Guero. says the video shows Beck walking the streets of East L.A. playing guitar, and many of the places he passes "fold in" to another image, a la the back page of Mad magazine.

I doubt Beck will ever top his video for "Deadweight," directed by Michel Gondry, but said concept sounds promising.

Revenge of the Nerds

15 of my buddies and I saw Revenge of the Sith at the Cinerama Dome Thursday morning with the good people of (who reportedly waited outside the "wrong" theatre) and Tom from MySpace.

Joe, Matt and I arrived in Hollywood for the midnight screening a tad early (3:00 pm). While killing time playing poker at the Borders across the street from the Arclight, Matt saw a black woman on the patio pull a bong out of a plastic bag. 15 minutes or so later, the woman's elementary-school-age son walked over to our table with the bong and asked if we'd like to buy it for $17. We politely declined and he returned to his mother, who was lollering.

If you look closely, you can see me.


click for larger image

I said it'd be ready on April 19. Then I changed the date to May 1. Then I said Tuesday.


Everybody I've ever met is currently in Los Angeles for one "E3" or another, so I've been pre-occupied.

Anyway, here it is, bitches, just in time for opening day.

The compilation isn't as comprehensive as I intended it to be, but no one needs to listen to ten different versions of the "Imperial March."

Also, a few tracks have bootleg audio quality because they are.

Your iPod awaits.

Disc 1: 1977-1983
01. John Williams – 20th Century Fox Fanfare
02. Buckethead – Star Wars
03. Blink 182 – A New Hope
04. Eminem – My Name Is (Darth Vader)
05. John Zorn – Jedi Mind Trick
06. Ash – Cantina Band
07. Supergenius – Galactic Crisis
08. Atari Teenage Riot – Death Star
09. DJ Z-Trip and DJ P – 13
10. Supergenius – I Got A Bad Feeling About This
11. Supergenius – Mystical
12. Supergenius – One Smooth Character
13. Dangerous Darrin – Star Wars
14. Supergenius – Ne Jabba No Badda
15. MC Chris – Fett's Vette
16. Supernova – Chewbacca
17. Walkmen – Fortruss
18. Eddie Izzard – The Death Star Canteen
19. The Presidents of the United States of America – Death Star
20. The Cure – Dredd Song ("Return of the Jedi" Remix)
21. Bill Murray – Nothing But Star Wars

Disc 2: 1997-2005
01. Sifl and Olly – The Star Wars Off-Broadway Play
02. Smog – I Am Star Wars!
03. Saturday Night Live – Star Wars Screen Test
04. Bobcat Goldthwait – Star Wars Fans Are Über Nerds
05. Rage Against The Machine – Imperial March (Remix)
06. South Park – Star Wars in 30 Seconds
07. "Weird Al" Yankovic – The Saga Begins
08. Neil Hamburger – Jar Jar Binks
09. John Williams – Duel of the Fates (Dialogue Version)
10. Ash – Clones
11. Triumph the Insult Comic Dog – Star Wars Premiere
12. Ozma – Natalie Portman
13. Kid Koala – Dinner With Yoda
14. South Park – Chewbacca Defense
15. DVDA – Chewbacca
16. 2 Skinnee J's – Irresistible Force
17. The Left Rights – Darth Vader (Who Gives A Sith)
18. Team Sleep – Natalie Portman
19. MC Chris and Friends – The Imperial Senate
20. Ultimate Fakebook – Far, Far Away
21. Sifl and Olly – Star Wars

Thanks to Jon Wilcox, Adam, Tushar, Eric, Alex, Andy and McKern.

Okay, I'm off to the Cinerama Dome.

Someday a real rain'll come and wash all this scum off the streets

On the heels of the Godfather and Scarface video games…

Majesco is adding to their film license titles with the Scorsese classic Taxi Driver. The game will be released next year for upcoming consoles, just in time for the 30th anniversary of the film's release. The "adaptation," as it is, will be shown at E3.

First-person shooter?

Dios Mio

Jack Black has signed on to star in a new film co-written with longtime collaborator Mike White (The School of Rock) and Jared Hess, who wrote and directed Napoleon Dynamite.

Inspired by a true story, the film will star Black as a Mexican priest who lives a double life as a masked wrestler to raise funds for an orphanage in financial need.

I'm sold.

Butthole Vaginas

Aqua Teen Hunger Force: The Movie. December 2005.

Last night, MC Chris played his first show ever in Los Angeles at the Knitting Factory.

MC Chris Ownz
The Tussin
Ten Year Old
"Bring The Noise" by Public Enemy
White Kids Love Hip-Hop
Toothpick Spliffs (Remix)
"Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey
Tractor Beam
"Iron Man" by Black Sabbath
My Name Is (Original Version)
I Want Candy
Fett's Vette
Hijack (Remix)
DQ Blizzard

Verdict: Way better than when I saw him in March in Ann Arbor. He dropped the crappy remix of "My Name Is," audibly rhymed "I Want Candy" and stretched a similar setlist from an hour to 90 minutes, filling the extra half-hour with stand-up comedy that was arguably more entertaining than his song performances. Also, I don't recall him dancing at the Blind Pig.

Chris wore a DC Flag (Good Charlotte's record label, to which he's signed) hoodie and one of those "Governator" souvenir t-shirts sold at airports in California underneath.

Among the topics he discussed: Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, how guys named Brandon are all assholes, Paperboy, masturbating to Sailor Moon, pelting old people with used condoms, Mitch Hedberg in hell, a television show on which Parkinson's sufferers Ozzy Osbourne and Michael J. Fox try to assemble rolls of quarters, meeting George Lucas, and his thoughts on Revenge of the Sith ("It's good, except when characters speak").

I used to have a drug problem, but now I make enough money

Five things I would be willing to give black kids money for instead of
overpriced candy:

Girl Scout cookies.

Their souls.

A rousing performance of "Peaches and Cream" by 112.

T-shirts with my face on them.


I saw a commercial for the ABC Family original movie Romy and Michele: In The Beginning, a prequel to Romy and Michele's High School Reunion.

I could comment on how unnecessary a prequel to Romy and Michele's High School Reunion is, but let's watch footage of self-cloning robots instead.

In the advert for Romy and Michele: In The Beginning, Romy asks Michele, "Who would you rather have sex with: Cary Grant or Gary Cooper?" to which Michele replies, "Aren't they dead?"

Now I'm the last person who should be discussing values (see: ejaculating into someone's ice cream), but isn't dialogue like that a little inappropriate for a family network, particularly when the movie will be followed by The 700 Club?

Even if ABC Family's primetime schedule skews toward adult content, comedic banter about fucking corpses should not be included in a promo set to run repeatedly during a weekday afternoon block of TGIF sitcoms.

I saw the video for "Wait (The Whisper Song)" by the Ying Yang Twins. True to the song's title, D'Roc and Kaine whisper all the lyrics over a sparse beat reminiscent of "Drop It Like It's Hot." I'm not sure the song qualifies as music, or even Muzak. It's just…muted noise.

If minimalism in hip-hop continues unabated, a Cash Money cover of "4'33" by John Cage may very well top the 106 & Park countdown soon.

Fashion Zombies

As if they haven't lost all credibility already, the members of Good Charlotte happily pound toy bongos in a television commercial for Donkey Konga 2.

Apparently, Good Charlotte's "The Anthem" and "Predictable" are among the popular songs that Nintendo licensed for its rhythm game sequel.

Other playable tracks include:

"All Star" — Smash Mouth
"Boombastic" — Shaggy
"Come Clean" — Hilary Duff
"Headstrong" — Trapt
"Hit 'Em Up Style (Oops!)" — Blu Cantrell
"I Don't Want to Know (If You Don't Want Me)" — The Donnas
"Full Moon" — Brandy
"It's Been Awhile" — Staind
"La Bamba" — Los Lobos
"No More Drama" — Mary J. Blige
"Pieces of Me" — Ashlee Simpson
"Rock the Boat" — Aaliyah
"Send the Pain Below" — Chevelle
"Shiny Happy People" — R.E.M.
"Sidewalks" — Story of the Year
"U Don't Have to Call" — Usher
"Unpretty" — TLC
"Wish You Were Here" — Incubus


I thought American Idol licensed crap…

This list reads like the Grand Theft Auto radio station from hell. I don't ever want to hear any of these songs again, let alone percuss to them.

I'm convinced the Donkey Konga series would be better served by a more "mature" developer with less qualms licensing such carpal tunnel gems as "Toxicity" by System of a Down or anything by Rush.

As seen on the Scarborough Country website:

"Hey, it changed some CEO's life. It must be good."

The guy used to be a U.S. Representative and he just recently discovered The Stranger? It's only one of the most widely read novels of the 20th century and a staple of high school literature courses.

Oh and The Cure recorded a blah blah blah.

Cardigan thinks we constantly promote Fall Out Boy.

I hope that isn't the general perception of our site.

Better Fall Out Boy than Insufferable Stevens though, I suppose.

Rory's seen the latest PENNY-ARCADE STRIP!!

There's a bear in my oatmeal

A Remington .30-06 rifle is mounted atop a homemade contraption of welded metal and a piece of butcher block, and is attached to a small motor, three video cameras (two linked to the Internet, including the one embedded in the gun scope) and a door lock actuator, like that used in a car. The actuator is attached to a wire that pulls the trigger at the click of the mouse. From virtually anywhere, someone with an Internet connection can fire the rifle.

The Washington Post ran an article on internet hunting yesterday.

For Dale Hagberg, a quadriplegic in Ligonier, Ind., Live-Shot is the only way he can hunt after being paralyzed in a diving accident almost 18 years ago. The 38-year-old was an avid bear and deer hunter in his teens, but now is dependent on a ventilator and unable to sit up in a wheelchair for more than a few hours at a time once a week. He uses his mouth to manipulate a joystick that moves a remote camera to zoom in and out of the target area on the ranch in Texas and to aim.

He has paid $1,300 to bag a blackbuck — the price that Lockwood paid to stock the animal on the ranch — and he will keep trying to get the spiral-horned antelope from his bed in Indiana.

I smell a hit television series… Elmer Fudd meets Christopher Reeve meets Swimfan. Mondays this fall after Prison Break.

This is Larry the Cable Guy, the alter ego of Dan Whitney and the most successful comedian in America.

That's a Confederate flag on his baseball cap.

Larry's act is often racist and homophobic, but he won't use the F word or say the Lord's name in vain.

His catchphrase is "Git-R-Done."

Once again, this is the most successful comedian in America.

I'm considering adopting a FOB persona and touring the country as Jonny the Dry Cleaner. None of this Margaret Cho/Dat Phan impersonation bullshit. I'm talking full-on Tony Clifton-style immersion into my character.

While sipping taro root bubble tea, I'll entertain audiences with politically-incorrect musings on my Mexican gardener and the Caucasian volleyball players my sister dates.

When in doubt, I'll mutter my catchphrase: "Ai ya!"

MC Chris saw Revenge of the Sith.

I'm seeing MC Chris on Thursday, the same night as the Revenge of the Sith premiere here in Westwood.

Greased Lightning

The Chain Reaction is a hole-in-the-wall venue in Anaheim that primarily books bands you'd see at Warped Tour.

I don't remember why, but I subscribe to the Chain's mailing list.

An excerpt from this week's e-mail:

yo, so PIEBALD is playing a special show here. its $5. PIMP MY RIDE will be here filming it because they made the band's van run on vegetable oil.

Xzibit and Piebald. I gotta see this.

Who's your daddy?