Switchblades and Infidelity

Despite Zero Tolerance Violation, The Regular Guys Return To WKLS
After being fired from WKLS for violating Clear Channel's zero tolerance policy regarding indecency, the popular duo return to their former home on May 2. CC RVP Jerry Del Core tells FMQB, "Our Zero Tolerance Policy is not a death sentence if someone has learned from their mistake."

Clear Channel is so full of shit. The term "flip-flop" comes to mind.

I think it's time for a moratorium on usage of the expression "What happens in _____ stays in _____."

This expression should only be used for two purposes:

1. encouraging sexual etiquette
"What happens in your mouth stays in your mouth."

and 2. roasting Augusto Pinochet
"What happens in Chile stays in Chile…until Spain extradites you to try you for 94 counts of torture of Spanish citizens!"

Late Night with Conan O'Brien now broadcasts in widescreen.

Apparently, broadcasting in HD means broadcasting in widescreen on regular televisions because the letterbox format preserves the full framing of the HD image.

The Tonight Show, however, has broadcast in HD for over a year now and I've never seen black bars. Why the black bars for Conan?

What NBC hopes to gain by upgrading the pictures of its late night talk shows is also unclear.

CBS is giving Sci-Fi Channel some serious competition with its made-for-television movies. First Spring Break Shark Attack, then Locusts, and this Sunday, a Hallmark movie in which Rosie O'Donnell plays a retard.

LiningUp TV

Atrocity Exhibition

Tony Wilson on Ian Curtis' suicide:

Most people's perception was that Ian's death sanctified Joy Division and made them massive. My version would be: If you look back on Ian's death, it held us back from dominating the world. I remember that Bono sat on my desk about six months later and said, "I'm sorry about Ian's death. Ian was the greatest performer of our generation, and I always knew I was number two and not in the same league, but now that he's gone, I'll do it in his stead." Or something. I always thought it was a bit of bullshit until the Live Aid [concert in 1985], when Bono got off the stage, and I jumped out of my chair and said, "Right on kid, you've done it at last!"

I'm not sure "eclectic" is the right word to describe the headliners for Japan's SummerSonic festival.

Speaking of summer music festivals, Edgefest 2005 in Toronto boasts: Billy Talent, Alexisonfire, Rise Against, Story of the Year, Coheed and Cambria and Killradio. That's like six of the same band.

Money Shot

I decided in March that I wouldn't bother looking for a job until June so I could wait in line for Revenge of the Sith.

I've been exercising more and eating healthier lately to ensure that I don't die or get hospitalized before May 19.

To pass time, I considered temp jobs.

I found the following temp job listing on Craigslist:

Adult Film Project, No Nudity Required

Wizzard Entertainment is currently looking to cast the following:

— an older gentleman in his late 50s to 60s who can read and carry lines to play a priest.
— latin gentleman in his late 20s to 60s who can read and carry lines to play an Aztec priest.
— a chinese gentleman in his 20s to 30s who can speak and read english and carry lines.

Some adult film, eh?

Adam Robot: i like how they're all 'gentlemen'

Entries from Thom Yorke's joke book for kids:

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Because he was a thoughtless automaton.

Two guys walk into a bar. The first guy says, "Hey, man, you kinda remind me of a robot." The second guy replies, "Yes. And that is why I control you."

Q: What is black, white, and red all over?
A: A slaughtered zebra.

If you see Kaye

I attended the Los Angeles Times Festival of Books this past weekend.

I met Aaron McGruder, Shepard Fairey, Jared Diamond (who, unbeknownst to me, teaches geography at UCLA) and Kevin Smith.

Kevin Smith is "ear delicious" in person. He should quit making bad movies and just tour the lecture circuit for a living like former Real World cast members. I'd totally draft him as an impromptu speaker for my speech and debate team.

During his hour-long engagement, Smith touched on Cleveland steamers in Cincinnati, Christian crusader Kirk Cameron, the children's book Stone Soup, Virginia Woolf, a one-legged Pope, how Return of the King should have ended with Sam fucking Frodo in the mouth, his wife's nickname for his cock ("Mount Doom") and September 11.

I woke up late and missed Jonathan Safran Foer.

I often confuse Jonathan Safran Foer with Jonathan Franzen and Jonathan Lethem. I had to check IMDb to remember which bestseller Foer wrote.

Everything Is Illuminated.

Directed by Liev Schreiber (Scream 3).

I think arts and wine festivals are stupid.

There's absolutely nothing worthwhile about them unless you're an old white person with season tickets to the local repertory theatre.

How to improve an arts and wine festival:
1. change the phrase "arts and wine" to "arts, buffalo wings and dollar pitchers"
2. replace the jazz bands with the Harlem Globetrotters
3. exhibit art that's more interesting than paintings of nature and scrap pieces of copper welded together

What kind of art would I like to see at an arts and wine festival?

"Deviant Ar.c"
Today: Carlos Segura

Q101 is a radio station in Chicago. Every year, the station sponsors two music festivals — a summer festival (Block Party, formerly: Jamboree) and a winter festival (Twisted Christmas).

Carlos Segura designs a lot of the peripheral material for Q101 events.

For Jamboree 1999, he conceived a retro comic book motif and designed personalized comic book covers for each band performing at the show. These covers are amazing.

Hole, Blondie, The Flys
Silverchair, The Offspring, Local H
Kottonmouth Kings, Blink 182, Lit
Puya, Orgy, 2 Skinnee J's
Red Hot Chili Peppers

Similarly, for Twisted IX in 2002, Segura conceived a Communist propaganda motif and designed personalized propaganda posters for each act on the bill.

Moby, 3 Doors Down, Sugarcult, Public Enemy
Boxcar Racer, The Vines, Disturbed, Jimmy Eat World

Very cool.

Anthem for the Year 2005

The Dissociatives are huge in Australia. They've spent time toward the top of the Australian charts, they were nominated for six ARIA (Australian Recording Industry Association) Music Awards (and might have won some were it not for the inexplicable widespread success of Jet), and last month they saw their first video win "Video of the Year" at the Australian MTV Video Music Awards.

The duo consists of dance music artist Paul Mac and former Silverchair frontman Daniel Johns (you know, the anorexic dude who cracked TRL with an earjerker about his affliction).

I heard the first single off The Dissociatives' debut album on The End.

"Somewhere Down The Barrel"

A pop song has never made me cringe so much. It's too pop, if that's possible. Radio Disney's playlist is staid in comparison.

Daniel really "Constantined" himself and then some.

Unborn Baby Ornament — US Troop Model

The past ain't through with us

On flyers posted around UCLA:

G4 — videogame television is producing a new series called "Training Camp" where we will pair an accomplished gamer with a novice and tag along for the ensuing instructional process. We are currently looking for gamers/sports fans who have advanced skills with current wrestling and baseball titles.

Dammit. I'm an advanced wrestling and baseball watcher… Why can't they be looking for experts at Bubble Bobble?

Bush may be from Texas but he learned to throw on Fire Island.

Attn: Old Navy

Bust a tunic?

And I thought "put the lime in the Coke, you nut" was a questionable song parody…

Residuals from I Love The 80s must not be cutting it anymore for Young MC.

Another example of suspect creative decision-making:

In a commercial for the male enhancement pill Enzyte, five overweight men with devil horns attached to their foreheads tailgate shirtless. Letters painted on their chests spell out "LIMPS."

California is the only state to command seven Warped Tour dates, four in southern California alone.

This year, The Offspring will play the tour for the first time.

In addition, Billy Idol will hop aboard for seven dates, including Pomona and Sacramento.

Warped Tour is like rehab for mainstream "punk" acts. I remember in 2000, a slumping Green Day and an irrelevant Weezer played the Warped Tour date in San Francisco. Can you imagine them playing 30-minute sets in parking lots nowadays?

Once a rising band, Midtown will play the Smart Punk (sixth) stage at Warped Tour all summer.

What happened?

I suppose it could be worse. They could have gone the way of The Juliana (and for that matter, Apex) Theory.


I am a NERD.

Who the hell else would spend half an hour debating if a Light Saber can cut through adamantium?

Jake Lloyd Strikes Back: Phantom Menace star gives his first interview in six years

Live from New York

Danielle and I:

—at the [har mar superstar] show tonight he chose some random girl in the audience and was like youre hot let me see some id, no really let me see your id.. okay youre over 18… and they started making out
—and then he pulled out his pubes and threw them at her

—are you serious?
—yes. gross.
—…he threw his pubes at her?
—well more like sprinkled them over her

Episode XVI: A New Pope

Pope Benedict XVI's strong defense of Catholic orthodoxy earned him a variety of sobriquets including: "The Enforcer," "The Panzer Cardinal" and "God's Rottweiler."

"God's Rottweiler."

Ar ar ar! I'm taking over the Vatican, motherfuckers! This here is now "The God Pound" and we're gonna be like 1.1 billion Fonzies.

Benedict is 78 years old, 20 years older than John Paul II when his papacy began.

I think the cardinals chose an old Pope because they liked all the media attention that a papal death brought. Benedict is Catholicism's Joe Millionaire 2.

The runner-up: Cardinal Francis Arinze.

"God's Monkey"?

Boys cooling on windowsills

Now Push Pops are spring loaded! So your Push Pop pops UP, pops UP, pops UP all by itself!

Yes, let's further encourage sloth in American children.

What's next? Pre-peeled string cheese?

Every job industry should hold a yearly draft like professional sports organizations do.

Say you're an engineering student who's bored with school. Declare for the engineering draft and show off your skills to corporate scouts at a compound. If you're good enough, a company will select you to join its team. If you need work, you return to college for another year.

Bill O'Reilly in his Talking Points Memo for Monday, April 11:

Initially those three were charged with a crime — obstructing an officer without violence — but now those charges have been dropped by state attorney Brad King. Now Brad King is a Republican, and he has a sterling reputation as a prosecutor — he's not some incompetent guy — but he is shaming himself in this case.

[double take]

Did he just slip in the dude's political affiliation?


Back of Book Segment
Analyzing "Sin City"
Guest: Actor Mickey Rourke

Why is a violent movie like "Sin City" receiving such glowing reviews?

Bill: If you had a 16-year-old kid, would you let him see this movie?
Mickey: 16 years old? Sure. You haven't seen it. It's an entertaining movie because it's from a comic book. Grant you, it's not Superman or Spider-Man — thank God — it's a much better film than any of those.
Bill: But there's cannibalism right?

You've just been Batdadded

It seems like all white males raised in the Midwest love the band O.A.R.

Addendum to my "Unstable" update yesterday:

After the Ultimate Warrior made a comment about how homosexuals are nowhere near on the same level as heterosexuals, which elicited an "oh my god" from a female student, he quickly replied with "Don't have an orgasm now honey, save it for later!" And when an obviously gay student started screaming at him from the back of the auditorium, Warrior replied with "I can't hear you with that thing in your mouth."

Apparently, American Idol airs in other countries, countries with their own Idol series. I can understand importing American sitcoms and dramas, but American Idol? It ain't exactly a Presidential election.

Personally, one Idol series a year is exhausting enough, but perhaps Brits and Aussies care whether us Americans will continue to foolishly vote for Anthony Federov.

Children of rock stars adorn the cover of the latest issue of Rolling Stone.

Poor James Garfunkel.

Not only is his father Art Garfunkel, but he's a redhead Jew who looks like Little Orphan Annie.

He probably still gets more pussy than me.

No one can hear you scream


Apparently, Fox will open Revenge of the Sith at the Arclight instead of the Chinese.

The fuckin' Arclight.

The Cinerama Dome is a quality venue, but the Arclight's reserved seating policy undercuts the Star Wars line experience and will make it very difficult for our group to get good seats and sit together.

What a buzzkill.

Booked to open at the Chinese instead of Revenge of the Sith is The Longest Yard.


The Chinese is such a waste of theatre space. Last week, I drove by and the marquee read "Miss Congeniality 2."

I'm hoping Fox will at least open Revenge of the Sith at the Village in Westwood, but they currently have a contract with the Avco.

The shitty Avco.


FullBleed: Season 2


What was to be a lecture on the differences between liberalism and conservatism became heated Tuesday when the Ultimate Warrior visited the Dodd Center at the University of Connecticut.

The Warrior was met with unhappy members of the Tent City protest group.

"People like this should not be allowed to spat this off without being countered," said Geoff Traugh, a 4th-semester peace studies and political science major.

The dispute between Traugh and Warrior escalated. Warrior screamed back and stomped on the stage saying questions would be answered during the question and answer segment.

Many people in the audience yelled and verbally attacked Warrior and his views during his hour-and-a-half discussion.

Maj. Sgt. Linda Killarney called three other officers to the scene for backup.

The College Republicans, who sponsored the event with the Undergraduate Student Government, said the organization was just trying to add another point of view to the discussion.

"We are truly sorry that the Warrior did not measure up to our standards," College Republicans spokesman Heath Fahle said.

Warrior got an unfavorable response from the crowd when he discussed homosexuals.

"Queering don't make the world work," Warrior said.

Warrior's comments forced one man to yell at him and ask him to apologize to Iranian student Norm Moghtaderi. While listening to Moghtaderi, Warrior said he needed to get a towel.

The beginning video presentation showed the Warrior ripping up the Iraqi flag from four different camera angles.


I think it would have been rad if at the end, Papa Shango ran out and beat down the Warrior until Hulk Hogan appeared unexpectedly and blew the roof off the place.

Scouting Report

My past film festival selections have mostly disappointed when I finally screened them, but hey, it's not my fault. Once again using only program synopses as criteria, here are a few films that I'm interested in seeing:

Tribeca Film Festival (April 19 – May 1)

Neo Ned
An Aryan Brother falls for a black woman who thinks she's Adolf Hitler after their meeting in a mental institution.

I Am a Sex Addict
This avowedly autobiographical comedy details the life of an insecure young man who becomes addicted to prostitutes and finds himself unable to stop even though it destroys all of his relationships. His solution: he makes a film about his predicament.

A harrowing account of the methamphetamine addiction ravaging the sons and daughters of the heartland, who should be out working in the local Wal-Mart or milking cows on the family farm but instead have turned into hallucinating tweakers and depraved crank monsters.

After being unfairly expelled from Harvard, American Matt Buckner (Elijah Wood) flees to England and becomes embroiled in the violent underworld of British football hooliganism.

Award-winning photographer and music video director David LaChapelle captures the heart-pounding world of krumping, a "mosh pit meets fight club" dance sport that originated in South Central Los Angeles. Rough-and-tumble dancers battle while wearing clown makeup.

Empire Square (Episodes 1 to 10)
Join delinquents Richie, Hooks and Rabbit on their misadventures in bestiality, cannibalism, electro-shock therapy, crucifixion and all the other issues affecting young people today. If Williams Street and South Park had a baby and raised it in London.view four episodes here

Independent Film Festival of Boston (April 21 – April 24)

Blackballed: The Bobby Dukes Story
Mock documentary starring Rob Corddry of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart and much of the famed Upright Citizens Brigade. Corddry is Bobby Dukes, the uncontested Michael Jordon of paintball for many years…until the day he commits the unthinkable during a match: he wipes. Ten years after his betrayal, Dukes confonts the demons of his past and assembles a motley crew of paintballers to compete in the Hudson Valley Paintball Classic.

Filmic Achievement
A send-up of film school and its subculture of esotericism and delusional arrogance. The mock documentary follows a group of first-year film students at UNY Film School from orientation, where they learn to make a "frame" with their fingers, to the production of each of their films, which manage to achieve every available film school cliché.

Dead Birds
In Civil War-era Alabama, six fugitives pull off a bloody bank robbery and seek refuge on an abandoned plantation. As the outlaws explore the mansion and surrounding cornfields, their alliances and jealousies become clear, and tensions regarding the ownership of the stolen Confederate gold begin to mount. Onto a classic heist film structure, the director grafts a terrifying gothic tale.

Mardi Gras: Made in China
Where do the countless strands of gaudy beads sported carelessly by Mardi Gras revelers come from? Meet four Chinese teenagers who left their homes to work long hours in a factory making bead necklaces for little pay. As Mardi Gras partiers and the Chinese workers try to rationalize each other's relationship to the product, the excessive spectacle of the festival becomes more grotesque, and a subtle subtext emerges about the patriarchal regulation and exploitation of women's bodies on both sides of the globe.

Spew: The World of Competitive Debate
Every summer, the nation's best and brightest high school debaters attend preparatory camps. Spew documents the most exclusive of these camps: the Dartmouth Debate Institute (DDI) in Hanover, New Hampshire. Trainees absorb as much information on a single topic as a graduate student writing a dissertation and devote their entire lives to the narrow confines of "debate culture" for weeks on end.

Stranger: Bernie Worrell on Earth
You may have never heard of Bernie Worrell, but if you've turned on a radio in the last twenty years, you've definitely heard him. Worrell's influence is legendary, but the legend is just now being told. As keyboardist for such groups as Parliament-Funkadelic and the Talking Heads, he was the backbone of a new wave in sound. For many of the commentators in this documentary — including Geroge Clinton, David Byrne, Mos Def, Bootsy Collins, Prince Paul, Bill Laswell and Les Claypool — no comparison save Mozart is worthy of him.

San Francisco International Film Festival (April 21 – May 5)

The Ax
A laid-off worker devises a novel approach to finding a new job — by physically eliminating fellow applicants.

Días de Santiago
A Peruvian spin on Taxi Driver that follows the impossible reintegration of a young veteran into "civil" society.

A twisted fairy tale set in an idyllic boarding school for young girls, who are taught only to be pretty and breed.

Rugby is a rough sport. When quadriplegics play it, it's even rougher. Joe Soares, once the star of the unrivaled Team USA wheelchair rugby team, is inexplicably yanked from the squad, so he gleefully crosses the border to coach his former enemy, Team Canada, with the sole aim of beating Team USA at the 2004 Paralympics in Athens.

Phil the Alien
Phil is an interstellar being who lands in a remote Canadian wilderness and takes up residence with a wisdom-spouting beaver. Though Phil first appears as a menacing screeching monster, he rapidly takes human form so as to be more cuddly and appealing to local townsfolk. Told that whisky is medicine by newfound pal Joey, the gregarious alien soon finds himself a raging alcoholic on the run from American secret agents who have a secret office under Niagara Falls. When his bent for booze lands him in jail, Phil finds Jesus, forms a Christian bar band and develops a cult following. Meanwhile, anti-UFO forces hire a formidable French Canadian contract killer named Madame Madame to remove Phil from existence.

Zombie Honeymoon
On honeymoon on the New Jersey shore, newlyweds Danny and Denise lie in the sand, soaking up rays, when a half-decomposed body lurches out of the sea and spews black bile into Danny's mouth, choking him to death. The hospital is unable to revive him, but in the midst of Denise's incosolable mourning he suddenly sits up. Despite Danny's uncontrollable anti-social behavior, his bride tries desperately to stay by his side, even though he is no longer the sweet vegetarian she fell in love with.