In the game Operation, players remove body parts from a patient. One of the body parts up for removal is an Adam's apple.

The patient, however, has no penis.

The only possible explanation for all this is that the patient is midway through a sex change.

How convenient that the patient's name is Sam.

I don't like this new ailment "brain freeze" that Hasbro added last fall. It looks like a tumor. If Sam must have something in his or her hair, it should be a lice, er, louse. Whatever the singular form is.

Shrek is definitely male.

No worst than a beast

"we have different tastes, he likes green day and power pop punk, and I like the rest."
—steven on me in his review of sxsw

Steven will seize any opportunity to goof on me for listening to Green Day. Am I supposed to be offended?

Can you figure out what's unusual about the newspaper advertisements for the movie Oldboy?

Can anyone NOT figure out the much-ballyhooed "shocking" event on next week's episode of 24?

Does anyone actually enjoy SportsCenter's Ultimate Highlight?

Dear Entertainment Weekly:
Pages and pages of trivia questions do not constitute a cover story.

"As a child I remember playing Street Fighter as Chun Li and just kicking endlessly so I could get a glimpse of that precious upskirt shot. Granted, her outfit was not very practical for somebody who routinely engaged in brawls with martian communists and electrified frogs, but at the time this was the farthest thing from my mind. That is, until my mother walked in on me and a friend staring at the paused screen, pointing and shouting at Chun Li's exposed crotch."

Our good buddy Aaron wrote a great column on the evo- and devolution of video games.

Enjoy the Hanukkah cookie, man

Rob Thomas, the singer for Matchbox 20, will release his debut solo album Something To Be on April 19.

Evidently, in an effort to be taken more seriously, Thomas shaved off his faggy pirate hair and removed his faggy pirate earrings.

I left me Survivor buff at home. Savvy?

Shaving off faggy hair (and removing faggy jewelry) is not a new procedure for gentlemen seeking respect as solo artists.

Look at Justin Timberlake.

before: manufactured Backstreet Boy rip-off

after: Grammy Award-winning Soul Train Award nominee

An example of the reverse scenario would be Kenny Vasoli of The Starting Line.

then: bleach-blonde John Turturro

now: emo Mike Krzyzewski

Of course, defagging your hair does not guarantee that people won't continue to think you're a fag.

Case in point: CT from The Real World: Paris.

Here's CT sporting his infamous merkin in gay Paris…

and here he is in Mexico shooting Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Inferno II.

College basketball quickies:

The consensus of sports reporters is that this past weekend was "the greatest tourney weekend ever." That is, unless you were rooting for West Virginia and Arizona like me. At least Kentucky lost. I absolutely loathe the KKK (Duke, Kentucky, Kansas).

Sean May is fugly.

Race City

Hey Noah, here's an idea: bagels…at night!

College basketball journal:

I'm so glad my school colors didn't include orange.

Patrick Sparks is a little chubby for a basketball player.

What's more repulsive: Seth Davis' shit-eating grin or Pierre from Simple Plan's affected laughter when parents confront their sons on MTV's Damage Control?

Heard during a commercial for Air Canada in which white people jump up and down in slow motion: the line "a getaway to Canada just might be one of the most exhilarating vacations you've ever had" followed by Celine Dion singing.

CBS aired a video profile of Australian University of Utah import Andrew Bogut set to "Down Under" by Men at Work. Someone thought they were being clever…

Delusions of Adequacy

I almost crashed into another car yesterday while having phone sex with an OnStar receptionist.

I saw a commercial for a Lexus with a keyless push-button start. Did Toyota want to make it easier for people to steal cars?

Kung Fu Hustle is rated R. Wow. Any film inspired by Roadrunner cartoons doesn't warrant an R. Reminds me of when The School of Rock received a PG-13.

The conclusion of Bill O'Reilly's "Talking Points Memo" for March 21:

"In the end, the medical evidence is just too overwhelming to justify keeping her on life support at taxpayer expense. But I'm glad Congress stepped up and voted to give her and her family every benefit of the doubt. All life is worthy, and that should be a defining message for America."

No spin zone, eh?

Yes, Bill, all life is worthy, except the left-wing media, the ACLU, Al Franken, bullies, the French, gangsta rappers, Hollywood, illegal immigrants, the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals, Ward Churchill…

Chocolate Lucky Charms

Matt: didn't it occur to you that in B.E.N., his middle name might start with an e?

Neal Pollack on an unofficial Spin magazine after-show party at SXSW:

—MC Chris, from Adult Swim, did some rapping. I know that sounds square, but it really was rapping. I'd never heard of MC Chris, but then again, I'm not a stoner between the ages of 16 and 29.

Homeboy came out red, ma

We don't receive much e-mail concerning our website, so when we do receive some one, it's cause for celebration. Adam's bustin' out the 151 as I type.

B.E.N. (either he's a geek or he's trying to hide a hippie double surname like "Eggleston-Nacogdoches") writes:

—i'm not sure about whether or not [Louis XIV] borrowed liberally from weezer or not, but i CAN tell you that it is totally a melodic rip off of "Metal Guru" by T. Rex/Marc Bolan, even the the chorus of people in background singing "aaaahhhh-aaahhhh". the staccato lyrics of the song at some points seem quite similar to metal guru, although the lyrics are not the same.

Okay, B.E.N., you win. Classic rock is my Achilles' heel. I don't know shit about classic rock. My parents raised me on classical music, 80s R&B and Neil Diamond (swear to G_d) and then my adolescent ears gravitated toward punk, hip hop, new wave and electronica. I can't name a single Rush song and I've never heard "Stairway to Heaven."

I dare you to challenge my knowledge of Fenix TX though.

F*ck this for a game of soldiers 4

—This is Tony and Matt's apartment in Ann Arbor, MI, the second pit stop in a race around the country.

"The Unnecessary Race (Season Finale)"

I felt like a contractor decided to build an apartment complex out of leftover materials from previous projects. Brick walls, glass cubes, cinder blocks in the ceiling, a creaky spiral staircase, wood paneling — it was very luxurious.

—As the winners of the last leg of the race, Jon and Rory won lunch at BD's Mongolian Barbecue.

BD's Mongolian Barbecue :: Ann Arbor, MI

My beef with Mongolian barbecue restaurants is that it's a hassle to have to pass through a food bar and then wait around the lone available grill every time you want to eat. Benihana offers the exact same meal except that I don't have to do anything.

One line on the receipt said "Join us on Easter Sunday!"

Who in their right mind would celebrate the resurrection of Christ at an Americanized chain Mongolian barbecue restaurant?

Based in the Midwest, BD's Mongolian Barbecue plans to open a franchise in Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia soon. I'm sure that'll go over well.

"Would you like tortillas with that?"

"How come every time us Americans build a shitty restaurant, stupid Mongorians have to come and knock it down? Goddamn Mongorians!"

[rips open clue]

Jon: Roadblock. Who loves studying?

—A Roadblock is a task that only one person may perform. In this Roadblock, that person must buy a thermal coffee container in downtown Ann Arbor for less than $13. Upon purchase, the cashier will hand him his next clue.

Rory: [clears throat] You love studying.
Jon: I-I do?
Rory: Yes. You love studying…very much.
Jon: What the fuck? Are you trying to do a Jedi mind trick? You know how irresponsible I am.
Rory: Yeah, well, I have to poop.


Jon: Fine. I love studying… [sigh] Where the hell am I gonna find a thermal coffee container in this mom-and-pop district?

University of Michigan Bookstore :: Ann Arbor, MI

Jon: $19.99.

M-Den :: Ann Arbor, MI

Jon: $16.99.

Starbucks (Main Street) :: Ann Arbor, MI

Jon: $12.99. Clearance. Oh yeah…

Inside the Starbucks was a stack of the University of Michigan's student newspaper, the Michigan Daily. I tried reading a copy of the Daily but its appearance distracted me. I can't read publications with poor aesthetic value. That is why, growing up, I read the San Jose Mercury News instead of the San Francisco Chronicle, despite missing out on John Carman's articles and the comic strip Bizarro.

The Michigan Daily is one hideous newspaper, from the masthead to the typeface of the articles. Apparently, the staff never bothered to update the paper's look since its inception over a century ago.

While searching for the $13 thermal coffee container, I came across flyers posted around town for a lost mug.

A mug.

Instead of a child or a pet, the flyers featured a large photograph of a mug filled with coffee and the address and phone number of the local coffee shop to which it belonged.

Once again, a mug.

[rips open clue]

Rory: Make your way to the pit stop.

—Jon and Rory must now travel more than 2000 miles by plane to the city of Los Angeles, CA and find the Los Angeles Convention Center. This facility, one of the most technologically advanced convention and exhibition facilities in the world, is the pit stop for this leg of the race.

Airport Shuttle :: Interstate 94 East

Jon: Rapido! Muy rapido, por favor! Nosotros estamos en un race-o!
Rory: Dude, Tony's one of them Ruskies. He don't know Spanish.

Airport Shuttle Tony's Girlfriend's Car :: Interstate 94 East

Jon: Oooh, tampons!

Detroit Metropolitan Airport :: Detroit, MI

Jon: [to airline agent] Another layover in Phoenix? You cannot be serious.

Sky Harbor International Airport :: Phoenix, AZ

I saw a sign in the airport that encapsulated the nature of the Grand Canyon state: "Stand on right. Walk on, left."

Many of the televisions in the Fox Sports restaurant broadcast ESPN. Do televisions at ESPN Zones broadcast Fox Sports Network?

At all airports, a pre-recorded security reminder will play periodically over loudspeakers. At LAX (at least in terminal one), a woman with a British accent delivers said message. Sky Harbor, however, employs a synthesized voice. It sounds like Stephen Hawking is warning you that "all unattended items will be confiscated."

Los Angeles Convention Center :: Los Angeles, CA

[first-person running camera shot]

Vlad: Welcome to Los Angeles.

—Jon and Rory…you are team number two.

Rory: Whaaa?

to be continued…

Ten Cups of Coffee

If I was Terri Schiavo's husband, I'd file for divorce right now and go to Las Vegas.

My statement to the press?

"Fuck you all! I'm a married man who's hasn't had sex in 15 years. You want to keep the bitch alive? [channeling Brad Pitt] Take her! She's yours!"

Doesn't Congress have more important issues to deal with than a "braindead" woman and steroids in baseball?

College basketball journal:

Wake Forest vs. West Virginia — one of the best games I've ever seen.

I'm unable to watch much Big East basketball here on the west coast but I caught a few rounds of the Big East conference tournament and was impressed by West Virginia, particularly this Gansey fellow.

I picked West Virginia over Wake Forest and I'm pickin' them to advance to the Elite Eight.

Other likes: Tom Brennan, T.J. Sorrentine, Juan Palacios' glasses, Nick Fazekas' psycho facemask

Overrated: Andrew Bogut (oh you haven't heard?)

After the Michigan State vs. Vermont game, Len Elmore interviewed Tom Izzo. The height difference between the two was hilarious. Elmore looked down at Izzo throughout the interview…literally.

The world is made of paper

From an article on Interpol in Spin magazine:

[Carlos D.] despised many of his classmates; that disdain became rage when his favorite band, Metallica, released their self-titled "Black Album."

"All the preppy, popular, jocky assholes I had to endure for years started donning Metallica T-shirts because they saw 'Enter Sandman' on MTV," he says. "I thought that this was the ultimate betrayal."

Pissed at Metallica's success, he gave up the guitar for three years. It would take Kessler's prodding to get him to think about taking up the bass, and even then, he wasn't sure Interpol was for him.

50 Cent in the same issue of Spin:

Do not play a track with lyrics like "Bitch, get in my car!" for your beloved grandma, as she will invariably say, "Baby, you scare me!" Instead, write a song praising God and she will love you like she did before you started selling crack.

I attended the first public screening of The Onion Movie Wednesday.

It was uneven, but way better than the other Onion movie, Bad Meat, which was astonishingly bad. I saw Bad Meat last year at the Los Angeles Film Festival and 2/3 of the sold-out auditorium left within the first 20 minutes. I still can't believe that the same person behind The Onion's brilliant book Our Dumb Century wrote and directed what I suffered through. Two laughs (one involving Chevy Chase, the other, a man composed of lunch meat) does not a comedy make.

The Onion Movie benefits from the inclusion of actual Onion news and slightly more star power (Steven Seagal, Michael Bolton). It reminded me of the Mr. Show movie Run Ronnie Run.

On the drive back from Hollywood, Cameron pulled alongside a sports car with a girl sitting on the lap of the male driver…facing him.

F*ck this for a game of soldiers 3

Shaman Drum Bookshop :: Ann Arbor, MI

[rips open clue]

Rory: Make your way to the Blind Pig.

—Jon and Rory must make their way 3/4 mile to the MC Chris show at the Blind Pig.

Blind Pig :: Ann Arbor, MI

Note to self:
Crystal Ballroom, Commodore Ballroom — bouncy floors.
Blind Pig — free popcorn.

MC Chris Ownz
The Tussin
Ten Year Old
Stop Time
White Kids Love Hip-Hop
Tractor Beam
I Want Candy
My Name Is (Remix)
Fett's Vette
a capella medley of Eminem's chorus for "Forgot About Dre" and Public Enemy's "Bring The Noise"
DQ Blizzard

A portly fellow wearing an Aqua Teen Hunger Force t-shirt kept shouting "for shorties" and requests for "I Want Candy." He obviously only recognized Chris as MC Pee Pants. Visibly annoyed, Chris listlessly whispered "I Want Candy" with his back to the audience.

Since California banned indoor smoking in public places in 1995, I've become accustomed to smokers stepping outside to smoke.

Michigan is not California.

With no ventilation inside the tiny club, cigarette smoke stifled me.

I don't understand why anybody would smoke indoors. Cigarette smoke infiltrates all and the aftersmell reeks.

Chris Castle smokes like a wildfire but he at least has enough sense to step outside his (private) residence to light up.

MC Chris inquired if anyone in the audience was from California. A few people hollered back. I was surprised to learn that Rory and I weren't the only ones who'd trekked across the country to see MC Chris live.

In retrospect, those who responded were probably drunk or U Mich students with parents willing to fork over the school's outrageous out-of-state tuition.

In related news, Chris will finally tour the mighty west coast in May!

May 11 | Costa Mesa, CA | Detroit Bar
May 12 | Hollywood, CA | Knitting Factory
May 15 | Fairfax, CA | 19th Broadway
May 16 | San Francisco, CA | Elbo Room
May 18 | Eugene, OR | WOW Hall
(see Star Wars: Episode III: Revenge of the Sith with MC Chris after the show)
May 20 | Portland, OR | Dante's
May 21 | Seattle, WA | Graceland

Chris' show at the Knitting Factory will kick off Adam Riff™ Geek Week. More on this later.

[rips open clue]

Rory: Walk to the next pit stop.

—Jon and Rory must now walk one mile to Tony and Matt's apartment. This one bedroom, one bath abode, in the shadow of the University of Michigan IM Building, is the pit stop for this leg of the race.

Tony and Matt's Apartment :: Ann Arbor, MI

Jon: Shit! Fuckin' puddles…

[first-person running camera shot]

Neuroscientist Photographer: Welcome to Ann Arbor.

—Jon and Rory…you are team number one…again. As the winners of this leg of the race, you have won lunch at BD's Mongolian Barbecue.

to be continued…

F*ck this for a game of soldiers 2

—This is Joy Yee's Noodles in Chicago, IL, the first pit stop in a race around the country. Teams arrived here at the end of the last leg for a mandatory rest period. Jon and Rory, who arrived at 4:35 pm, will depart at 4:35 am.

"The Unnecessary Race"

[rips open clue]

Jon: Travel by bus to Ann Arbor, MI.

—Jon and Rory must now travel by bus nearly 250 miles to the city of Ann Arbor via Kalamazoo. Once there, they must find this bookshop to receive their next clue.

There were a surprising number of people riding the "L" at 5:00 am on a Sunday morning and they were all black.

Red Line 95th/Dan Ryan Station :: Chicago, IL

Ah…the south side of Chicago, providing a stark contrast to the north (cough, Evanston) since…a long time ago. The only other city I've visited with such palpable geographic disparity is Washington D.C.

Funny how the White Sox are Chicago's south side baseball team.

Greyhound Bus Station :: Chicago, IL

Cautionary letter-size signs designed in Microsoft Word papered the walls of this bus "station" (more like a train station annex).

"Do not park at the Citgo station across the street. YOUR CAR WILL BE TOWED!!!"

"If you do not tag your bags, YOU WILL MISS YOUR BUS!!!!!"

Amtrak Station :: Kalamazoo, MI

I flipped through a free tabloid paper for residents of Kalamazoo and Battle Creek. High school newspapers are more professional than this rag. Inside, I read that the Radisson hotel at Kalamazoo Center is a popular local hangout.

A hotel.

Not even a Four Seasons or a Fairmont. A Radisson hotel.

Juan: What are your plans tonight?
Erin: Girls night out at the Radisson, baybee!

As I prepared to board the transfer bus, a gentleman with a red maple leaf on his hat and bag asked me if I was headed to Detroit.

He had a thick issue of Cosmo tucked underneath his arm.

Greyhound Bus Station :: Ann Arbor, MI

I had not seen snow in five years. Better yet, the sun was out.

to be continued…

F*ck this for a game of soldiers

—This is Pauley Pavilion in Los Angeles, CA, the starting point in a race around the country.

"The Unnecessary Race"

[rips open clue]

Jon: Fly to Chicago, IL. You may only travel on one of these two flights departing from LAX: Southwest Airlines flight 82 or America West Airlines flight 793.

Los Angeles International Airport :: Los Angeles, CA

Rory: [to airline agent] We need to find out which one of these is going to get to Chicago faster.
Jon: Fuck that. Which one's cheaper?

Five minutes later…

Rory: The Southwest flight doesn't have a layover.
Jon: Yeah, well I'm not paying $249 for a one-way ticket.

—Jon and Rory are now on their way to Chicago via Phoenix, AZ. Once they arrive in Chicago, they'll have to travel 15 miles to the "L" Train Red Line Belmont station to find their next clue.

Sky Harbor International Airport :: Phoenix, AZ

For some reason, every time I fly somewhere east of the Grand Canyon on America West, I have a layover in Phoenix. I've been to Phoenix twelve times now and have only stepped outside the airport thrice.

Red Line Belmont Station :: Chicago, IL

I like nippy weather. It makes air feel fresh.

[rips open clue]

Rory: Detour.

—A detour is a choice between two attractions, each with their own pros and cons. In this detour, Jon and Rory have to choose between "Fingers" or "Figures." In "Fingers," they must travel 12 miles to the exhibit Game On: The History, Culture and Future of Video Games at the Museum of Science and Industry. Playing video games is fun, but the commute could be frustrating and take a long time. In "Figures," they must travel four miles to the Funny Club Show 2005 exhibit at Rotofugi Designer Toy Store and Gallery. Customized toy figures are not as entertaining as video games, but the two could sightsee quickly.

Jon: Dude, the "L" doesn't stop within reasonable walking distance of the University of Chicago.

Rotofugi :: Chicago, IL

Designer toys may be expensive and useless, but they look so fuckin' cool. To me, stores like Rotofugi and Kidrobot are society's real museums of modern art. An action figure of a graffiti artist with a gas mask on interests me much more than, say, a painting.

Of all the variations on B.B. Birdy's "hyper-articulated bear/monkey/rabbit/cat figure" on display at Rotofugi, I particularly creamed my pants over MiQ and Thuy3 Wilmott's Chicago-exclusive Funny Club version of Alex and his droogs from A Clockwork Orange.

[rips open clue]

Jon: Make your way to the pit stop.

—Jon and Rory must now travel five miles to Chinatown and find Joy Yee's Noodles. This eatery, popular for its bubble teas and fruit freezes, is the pit stop for this leg of the race.

Joy Yee's Noodles :: Chicago, IL

Rory: Hurry! Let's go, let's go![first-person running camera shot]

Mikey: Welcome to Chicago.

—Jon and Rory…you are team number one…out of one.


—As the winners of this leg of the race, you have each won a bag of WankerCounty hair.

to be continued…

Sunday Bloody Sunday

Pick to win

Texas Tech and Bob Knight. In Tucson. Seeded 11th. Among the final three teams picked.

But UCLA is in.

Even though a title isn't a realistic possibility, consider that our team finished 11-17 last year.

I'm content.

Scanning the tournament bracket, I learned that the Boise State basketball team plays in the Taco Bell Arena.

Keep in mind that the Boise State football team plays on the only blue Astro Turf field in the world.

Brandon pretends to vomit on moviegoers watching Hitch

Capsized when I turned 22

I'm being forced out of my part-time job next week because of term limits. I'm only allowed to work a student position at my university until one quarter after graduation.

I should be actively seeking a real job, but I'm moving elsewhere in June, so why bother?

I planned to cruise on unemployment checks for the next two months, but apparently, I need to be fired in order to collect unemployment.

That shouldn't be a problem…

Good news for people who…meh

For the shorties

Back from the midwest. Full debriefing shortly. First things first.

A while back, I saw a television commercial late at night for Kidz Bop 7 that featured an audio clip of a Kidz Bop cover of "Float On" by Modest Mouse.

I knew immediately that I wanted to link that song on this site. Unfortunately, a search of digital media resources proved futile.

The following day at work, my boss mentioned that she just ordered Kidz Bop 7 for her six-year-old daughter. My ears perked up upon hearing the news and I asked if I could borrow the album when she received it. She didn't understand why I would want to borrow Kidz Bop 7 but consented nonetheless.

Over the next two weeks, I bugged my boss about the album on a daily basis. "Has it come yet? Has it come yet?" At long last, about a week before its retail release date, Kidz Bop 7 arrived. I took it home that night and ripped the Kidz Bop cover of "Float On."

The track appeared soon after on this site as part of our weekly Play list.

As the week progressed, I noticed an increasing number of links to the Kidz Bop track from random message boards and blogs. Usually, we only make Play list songs available for one week, but I didn't want to spoil the fun, so I decided to leave the Kidz Bop track on our server for another week — enough time, I thought, for it to properly circulate into the file-sharing realm.

A few days later, however, I discovered that three days into March, we had already consumed 3/4 of our monthly bandwidth allowance.

Turns out that Spin magazine contributor Ultragrrrl blogged about the Kidz Bop track and hotlinked our mp3. Her post on the Kidz Bop track was, in turn, picked up by blog heavyweight Stereogum, popular link dump Waxy (see: March 3), AbsolutePunk, and even Vancouver Robbie, who links our site on his site but for some reason linked our Kidz Bop track by way of Ultragrrrl.

Because of bandwidth issues, I reluctantly prematurely aborted the Kidz Bop track, but it floated on all right.

A fortnight after it first graced this site, noted hipster music connoisseur Fluxblog plugged a fellow music blog's copy of the Kidz Bop cover of "Float On," and yesterday, Pitchfork reviewed said Kidz Bop track.

I feel like a fat Danish kid.