Charley Parker, forgive me

As heard on Stern, Nick DiPaolo's introduction for Halle Berry that Chris Rock wanted to use but didn't: "Our next presenter has lost more men than the war in Iraq."

Moving on…

005: Destiny's Child
"Independent Woman (Part 1)"
[Charlie's Angels; 2000]

Yes, this song is an empty declaration of female self-reliance (we buy our own jewelry!) that conflicts with the "buy me stuff" sloganeering of "Bills, Bills, Bills," and yes, it's preposterous that the theme song to Charlie's Angels — a franchise about three women managed by an old codger — is an anthem for female autonomy, but it's not uncommon to find yourself humming or singing quietly along when you hear it played in a store or at the gym. Wish we could say the same about P!nk's theme song for the sequel.

004: Dashboard Confessional
[Spider-Man 2; 2004]

You can't sing along to this shamelessly overblown emo power ballad without wanting to phone your friends and tell them to come kick your ass, which, if they heard you singing the lyrics, they probably would. So why is it number four? Because you can't not sing along. This song is destined for the karaoke hall of fame alongside the Backstreet Boys' "I Want It That Way" and "Colors of the Wind" from Disney's Pocahontas.

003: Tomoyasu Hotei
"Battle Without Honor or Humanity"
[Kill Bill: Vol. 1; 2003]

Originally featured in Junji Sakamoto's 2000 film Shin Jingi Naki Tatakai, "Battle Without Honor or Humanity" answers the eternal question: "What if Ronnie James Dio wrote a blaxploitation instrumental and it ruled?" Like so many songs used by Tarantino, this amped-up mod rock piece permanently associates itself with the film it accompanies while transcending the film at the same time. What was the most interesting part of the original Kill Bill trailer? This song.

002: New Order
"Here To Stay"
[24 Hour Party People; 2002]

Featuring the production skills of the Chemical Brothers, "Here To Stay" is both a fitting tribute to New Order's first home Factory Records (the subject of 24 Hour Party People) and an instant classic addition to the band's catalogue. Somehow, they cram nearly every song they've ever written into one track — "Blue Monday," "Temptation," "True Faith," "Bizarre Love Triangle," "Crystal." Easily one of New Order's best songs ever.

001: Eminem
"Lose Yourself"
[8 Mile; 2002]

Eminem is the only person ever to claim a film and its soundtrack at number one in the same week, largely due to the cross-over success of "Lose Yourself," an inescapable talking rocker that won over urban audiences and old folks alike. The lyrics read like the blatherings of a cheesy motivational speaker, but Eminem's delivery is so spectacularly intense and honest that he pulls off otherwise laughable lines like "you can do anything you set your mind to."

BOMB O havoc antiphony molten cleft BOOM

The lead singer of Taking Back Sunday is such a tool.

While waiting for a fish burrito today, I caught the band's latest video on MTVU. The singer tries so hard to be a rock star. Keep flailing about and flinging your mic, buddy. How else will people know that you're a WILD CHILD?

Taking Back Sunday hired (former) Blink 182 guitarist Tom Delonge to direct said video. He's credited as "Thomas." Thomas Delonge. I see how it is. He's mature and shit now because he campaigned for John Kerry.


Drop the poseuring, dude. You're no Joseph Lawrence.


010: Trey Parker
"America, Fuck Yeah"
[Team America: World Police; 2004]

Simultaneously taking aim at macho-rock anthems, American jingoism and the theme songs for Power Rangers series, this tongue-in-cheek 80s-style number, which plays as Team America planes zoom out of their Mount Rushmore headquarters toward the Middle East, boosted Soulseek traffic to great heights last October. There's also a "Bummer Remix" for a more, uh, introspective moment.

009: Black Lab
"Learn To Crawl"
[Spider-Man; 2002]

Black Lab released their debut album in 1997. Two songs received modest radio airplay. Then they disappeared, only to resurface years later with an epic thematic companion to a comic book adaptation. The Bay Area band has since disappeared again, but this tightly-spun, post-grunge knockout endures as a testament to their potential.

008: Nelly, P. Diddy and Murphy Lee
"Shake Ya Tailfeather"
[Bad Boys II; 2003]

A few noble souls may still have the willpower to decry the inexcusable and unabated materialism and sexism that reigns in commercial hip-hop, but their cries will remain unheeded until this vile, misogynistic, bling-obsessed music becomes less totally awesome. This particular song is beyond good and evil, too powerful to let most of us to do anything but yield to its bombastic body-moving beats.

007: Elton John
"Tiny Dancer"
[Almost Famous; 2000]

Love songs by Elton John directed at women became highly-suspect kitsch even before the end of his early-70s heyday. His flowery tribute to the blue-jean babies and ballerinas who populated rock 'n' roll's backstage areas and hotel rooms works so well in Almost Famous though that viewers tend to overlook the fact that the band Stillwater averts breakup by collectively singing "Tiny Dancer."

006: Eminem
"8 Mile"
[8 Mile; 2002]

Written from the point of view of his character Jimmy Rabbit, Eminem spits an incredible 1,100 words on 8 Mile's title track. Over a relentless rolling beat, he flows on and on about the desire to make something of himself, one rhyme after the next, for five straight minutes without pause. The result is an exhausting performance worthy of the endless eponymous road.

Saturday: #005-001

All agents defect and all resisters sell out

Hootie's now shilling for Burger King in commercials reminiscent of the 2005 NBA All-Star Game halftime show.


015: Clint Mansell and The Kronos Quartet
"Summer Overture"
[Requiem for a Dream; 2000]

Just as Requiem for a Dream isn't for the squeamish or easily nightmared, its soundtrack is not for those who enjoy light musical accompaniment. Familiar to many as the song in the trailer for The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, "Summer Overture," a steadily intensifying instrumental haunt, opens the film and reprises throughout, each time sounding more sinister as the characters fall further down.

014: Jon Brion
"Here We Go"
[Punch-Drunk Love; 2002]

Recorded in The Beatles' old Abbey Road studio, the hipster multitalent's pop-waltz love song echoes nothing less than the Fab Four in their Rubber Soul/Revolver prime. The rich soundscape of vintage piano, strings and oboe effortlessly captures the pathos of Barry Egan's hapless existence.

013: Aaliyah
"Try Again"
[Romeo Must Die; 2000]

Timbaland deftly sets Aaliyah's police state of emotion against rhythmically obtuse but still mad funky programming. The analog synth loops are, well, to die for. Seemingly fearful of the track's inherent groove, however, Timbaland muffles his brain-grabbing production with B-movie ambience.

012: The Mooney Suzuki / The School of Rock
"The School of Rock"
[The School of Rock; 2003]

Film star Jack Black and his Tenacious D partner Kyle Gass struggled to come up with a song that had the right gravity for the Battle of the Bands. In search of a big finale, Black tapped The Mooney Suzuki after the band impressed him opening for The Strokes. Screenwriter Mike White sent them a sheet of lyrics and they sent back a rock 'n' roll revelation that, in turn, sent audiences out of theatres feeling good.

011: Elliott Smith
"Needle in the Hay"
[The Royal Tenenbaums; 2001]

Elliott Smith will forever be associated with suicide — his own tragic demise as well as Richie Tenenbaum's memorable shave and slit scene. Fusing the Beatles' pop sense with Neil Young's sense of doom, this quietly devastating acoustic catharsis chillingly underscores Richie's lovelorn desperation in the moments leading up to his suicide attempt.

Thursday: #010-006

The wheel of the quivering meat conception

The saga continues…

020: Jack Black
"Night of the Griffin"
[Run, Ronnie, Run; 2002]

About halfway through, Run, Ronnie, Run breaks out of narrative completely, randomly cutting to a fictional journey through cinematic censorship involving a delightfully obscene spoof of the chimney-sweep scene in Mary Poppins. Even the comedy's detractors agree that Jables shines as a Victorian singing about kicking women in the cunt [sic] alongside an animated squirrel and choreographed dancers.

019: Zwan
"Number of the Beast"
[Spun; 2003]

Director Jonas Åkerlund passed the Spun script onto friend and former Smashing Pumpkins frontman Billy Corgan to see what he thought. Corgan read it and said he'd do the music in return for a cameo in the film. While Corgan indeed appears briefly as a doctor, the highlight of the soundtrack — a mellon collie acoustic twist on a campy Iron Maiden song — features nary a trace of him. Credit goes to Zwan bandmate Matt Sweeney instead.

018: Pearl Jam
"Man of the Hour"
[Big Fish; 2003]

Director (and Pearl Jam fan) Tim Burton asked the group to contribute an original song to his surreal tearjerker. A screening of the film so affected the band that they wrote this track that same night. Accented by wistful slide guitar work, "Man of the Hour" is a heartfelt ballad that punctuates the film's poignant final scenes.

017: Britney Spears feat. Pharrell Williams of N.E.R.D.
"Boys (Co-Ed Remix)"
[Austin Powers in Goldmember; 2002]

In the beginning Max Martin created Britney Spears. Now she was formless and empty, and the Spirit of Disney was hovering over her records. And Britney said, "Let me alienate prudes," and there was her self-titled album. Britney saw that "I'm a Slave 4 U" was good, and she separated the dark from the lightness. She called the third single "Boys," and then she called Pharrell. And there was a sleazy pop tease — the remix. Jon heard what they had made, and it was very good.

016: Mos Def and Massive Attack
"I Against I"
[Blade II; 2002]

Among the many offbeat electronic/hip-hop pairings commissioned for the sequel to Blade, only Massive Attack and Mos Def emerged with credibility intact. Their collaboration, a dark remake of a Bad Brains song, cuts through your ears with pounding beats and a ferocious boom bap. Mos matches the moody, resounding bass with emotionally taut vocals.

Wednesday: #015-011

Destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked

And the nominees for Best Original Song are…

"Accidentally in Love" from Shrek 2
"Al Otro Lado Del Rio" from The Motorcycle Diaries
"Believe" from The Polar Express
"Learn to Be Lonely" from The Phantom of the Opera
and "Vois Sur Ton Chemin" from The Chorus

The 239 members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences' music branch consistently nominate the lamest songs for award consideration. The Grammys seem like the NME Awards in comparison.

Granted, the majority of soundtracks suck, but surely there must be five decent songs a year that the public somewhat recognizes.

Out of frustration with the Academy's musical ignorance, all this week Adam Riff™ presents…

Yes, we copped the time frame from Pitchfork.

Eligible songs must have been written, covered or remixed specifically for a movie soundtrack. Previously existing songs were only considered if they contributed to a memorable scene's memorability.

Shall we begin?

025: The Soggy Bottom Boys feat. Dan Tyminski
"I Am a Man of Constant Sorrow"
[O Brother, Where Art Thou?; 2000]

A significant segment of the film's plot hinges on the notion that Everett, Pete and Delmar's ebullient rendition of this bluegrass oldie (as "The Soggy Bottom Boys") could be a runaway hit. Everett assumes lead vocal duties, clearly lip synching to Union Station band member Tyminski, who sounds nothing like any conceivable George Clooney singing voice.

024: Limp Bizkit
"Take a Look Around (M:I-2 Theme)"
[Mission: Impossible 2; 2000]

Soundtrack producer Mitchell Leib asked some 20 artists — including Moby, Tricky, Cake, The Chemical Brothers, J. Mascis, New Order, Orbital and MDFMK — to update Lalo Schifrin's classic theme song. Fred Durst's undeniably effective version ultimately got the green light. The fate of the other demos is unknown.

023: Herbie Hancock feat. GrandMixer DXT, Mixmaster Mike, Rob Swift, QBert, Babu and Faust & Shortee
"Rockit 2.002"
[Scratch; 2002]

Old and new turntablists collide in an explosion of Technics scribbles, 808 strobes and sampler exclamation points on this eight-and-a-half-minute redux of Herbie Hancock's seminal 1983 hit, cited by almost everyone in the film as the most important influence on their lives.

022: Brian Eno
"By This River"
[Y Tu Mamá También; 2001]

What is it that Julio wants to listen to on the car radio? Not rock'n'roll, not Latin music, not dance music. What he wants is Brian Eno's desperately sad "By This River." The car drives through some dreary small town, streets lined with cantinas and auto junkyards. Then the radio stammers and dies.

021: Bob Dylan
"Things Have Changed"
[Wonder Boys; 2000]

Decades after the times stopped a-changin', the former Robert Zimmerman's Oscar-winning dirge manages to twist the grimmest revelations of woe and hopelessness into a perverse form of affirmation, thanks to a catchy melody and a driving beat that makes you feel like dancing.

Tuesday: #020-016

Your semen is a rainbow

I caught the last few minutes of a Michigan State vs. Ohio State women's basketball game on ESPN2.

During that time, an announcer said, "Every time that woman has come off penetration, good things happen."

Apparently, this basketball game drew the largest crowd in Breslin Center history.

Lansing must be a boring town if 15,000 people have nothing better to do on a long weekend than attend a women's basketball game.

From now on, all posters for Bruce Willis movies should use the same four-color scheme.

A prostitute asked me if I'd like a knobber.

I said "of course" and asked her much one would cost.

"Well, what do you think I'm worth?" she replied.

I threw her a bottle of L'Oreal shampoo and whipped my dick out.

Do the kids who sing the Kidz Bop rendition of "1985" by Bowling For Soup even know who they're singing about?

Joe firmly believes that his LiveJournal is entertaining…or at least pretty.

All good sinners go to hell

If all goes well, I'll be in Chicago from March 3-4 and Ann Arbor from March 5-6. More on this later.

I wonder how 50 Cent can say "I'll let you lick the lollipop" with a straight face.

The television series Las Vegas has become its own version of the titular city, a bastion for entertainers who've declined into commercial irrelevance. Not only does it star James Caan, but this month alone, Duran Duran, Jay Mohr, Dean Cain, The Pussycat Dolls and Sylvester Stallone all guest starred.

The main attraction at the Stratosphere Hotel in Las Vegas is the tallest freestanding observation tower in the United States. On top of the tower are amusement park rides.

When the tower first opened, I was wary of its thrill rides and still am.

I mean, would you ride this ride? Call me a wuss, but I'd never willingly be propelled head-first 27 feet over the edge of a 1,149-foot tower (repeatedly, no less).

The Stratosphere Tower will soon debut its fourth ride, Insanity, an inverted centrifuge that consists of an arm that extends out 64 feet over the edge of the tower and spins passengers at up to three Gs. As the ride spins faster and faster, the passengers are propelled to an angle of 70 degrees.

This can't possibly be safe. I foresee the gigantic balls of the first group of riders weighing the arm down and snapping it in two.

"Hysteria" by Muse is just waiting to be used in a movie trailer. I proposed Batman Begins but Adam Robot thinks the song is "too uplifting" for Batman. In a perfect world, Lucasfilm would boldly incorporate it into the final Episode III trailer (which, by the way, premieres March 11 in front of Robots).

Good to know that all I need to do to quit smoking is have Satan physically remove the tar in my lungs with his hands.

Tony messaged me and said that his ".5 asian girlfriend" (which, at first, I read as "1/20 Asian" and scratched my head) wants me to write "more asian stuff" on the site.


At work the other day, Marsha and I played a little game.

Match the Asian race with its corresponding non-Asian race in America:
1. the chinese a. black people
2. filipinos b. jews
3. koreans c. latinos
4. the japanese d. white people

We both agreed that the Japanese are the white people.

I considered Koreans to be the black people, but Marsha argued that Filipinos are the black people, pointing out that while both races are rather ghetto, unlike Koreans, most Filipinos sing and dance well.

So Koreans are the Latinos.

I usually say the Chinese are the Chinese, but the rules specified "non-Asian race." Marsha suggested the Jews. Makes sense, I thought. Both races are cheap and both love to eat Chinese food.

As for the Hindians, I don't regard them as Asian, but I suppose that they're the Europeans. Europeans, of course, appear to be regular white people but can't shake their inherent foreignness.

New Jersey's where America's at

My buddy Jose's flying to New York City today to interview people at Rockstar Games.

Rockstar supposedly doesn't grant very many interviews. Jose claims to be the first mainstream press reporter to score one (or several, rather).

Good for him.


I attended a Green Day concert last November and wanted to buy a black t-shirt with the American Idiot logo on it until I noticed that the shirt had white stitching, which looks retarded on black.

Yesterday, I saw my neighbor Ivan wearing a black Rise Against t-shirt that also had white stitching.

What's wrong with black stitching on a black shirt? Are punk bands broke? Is white thread cheaper than black thread? Did Wendy Pepper design said shirts? What's goin' on?

I had a sudden urge to eat a Caesar salad, so I went to Ralphs to pick up ingredients. In the interest of saving money, I bought the cheapest Caesar dressing I could find, a Kraft-brand bottle.

I should've known better than to buy a Kraft product.

The mere smell wafting out of the squirt hole nauseated me.

I think Kraft products are best enjoyed when you're young and too naive to realize how absolutely disgusting they are.

I'm embarrassed to have once debased myself with Oreos and processed cheese spread on crackers with a red plastic stick.

I'm not sure if 50 Cent music videos masquerade as softcore heterosexual or homosexual porn. 50 likes to film himself rapping alongside scantily-clad women…but he also likes to film himself rapping without a shirt on, and he's pretty fit.

Belated humorous snippets…

From Neal Pollack's review of the Grammy Awards:

—Tom Waits, Jill Scott, the Scissor Sisters? Got a Grammy nomination? But I saw the Scissor Sisters live two years ago! I'd never seen a live band before they received a Grammy nomination.

—The keyboardist [of Maroon 5] looks like a PIRG canvasser.

—Ellen DeGeneres seems to like [the performance], because she dances to her own tune.

—[Green Day is] far better than Zeppelin, though the sex to their music goes at a much less seductive pace.

—Tim McGraw is just a country version of "Tuesdays With Morrie."

From Sports Guy ramblings:

—Ten years from now, I just want to be in the same room when a grown-up Hart watches the tape of his birthday party on "My Super Sweet 16" … and tries to swallow his own tongue.

Cover Story


The Mask is a mystic artifact that transforms its wearer into a psychotic living cartoon. Created in Africa, it's stolen and brought to the United States for sale.

The first wearer of the Mask in modern times is neurotic Stanley Ipkiss (played by Jim Carrey in the movie), who finds it in an antiques shop and buys it as a present for his girlfriend Kathy. Able to sense evil in a person's heart, the Mask calls out to Stanley, prompting him to try it on.

After going on a murderous rampage where he exacts vengeance on everyone who's ever upset him, Stanley manages to remove the Mask. However, it swiftly takes control of Kathy, who shoots and kills him.

Kathy manages to remove the Mask and gives it to Lt. Kellaway (played by Peter Riegert in the movie) for safekeeping. In spite of Kathy's warnings, he tries it on as a joke and becomes an insane vigilante, taking on mobster menace Walter, among others.

After nearly killing a friend, Kellaway manages to remove the Mask and buries it in his basement. Mobsters he previously attacked, however, track him down and wound him as he tries to chip the Mask free from cement flooring.

The Mask then assumes control of a geeky mob driver, who quickly seizes control of the local underworld. Kathy tracks him down and tricks him into removing the Mask, at which point she kills him.

Released from prison, Walter fights Kathy/Mask in a battle that results in the loss of the artifact.

The Mask is inevitably discovered again, this time by four high school students who share it amongst themselves. It subsequently falls into the possession of an embittered comic book artist whose wife was killed by the mob before falling through a dimensional vortex into Comic's Greatest World. The next wearer uses it to hunt down his missing sister in New Orleans and it later ends up in the hands of Batman's nemesis The Joker. The last two Mask recipients are an unnamed pickpocket (who wears a yellow suit akin to Carrey's costume in the movie) and DC Comics anti-hero Lobo. Lobo, while wearing the Mask, slaughters a few galaxies.

So now then.

This is the best idea that New Line could come up with for a sequel to The Mask? A fuckin' baby? A hideous little successful fetus?

Of all the potential replacements for Jim Carrey's character, New Line chose the star of Malibu's Most Wanted and a fake baby and dog (evidently animated by the same team behind cinema Scooby-Doo).

Son of the Mask is rated PG, suggesting that the target audience is under 13. When New Line released The Mask in 1994, this target audience was at most two years old. Most of them probably haven't seen the PG-13 original and are inclined to be more open to and forgiving toward the "sequel."

I understand that children are easy to please (see: homosexual sponge), but I hope they're at least sensible enough to ignore this obvious stinker. Kids, save your parents' money and pleasure each other orally instead. I guarantee you'll have more fun.

Why doesn't Congress crack down on crummy children's flicks? They're indecent to me…

Films should have franchise expiration dates. Either rush out sequels or don't make sequels at all.

New Line tried to repeat the success of another 1994 Jim Carrey vehicle last year (Dumb and Dumberer) and it bombed.

The only sequel to a Jim Carrey film from 1994 to succeed was Ace Ventura 2 because Warner Bros. rushed it out a year after the original. Producers easily managed to convince a pre-thespian Carrey to return and the character was still relatively fresh in people's minds.

Remember the rhino's butthole scene?


Too Shia Shia

Shia LeBeouf is on track to break the record for "most completely useless film roles."

In the past two years alone, he's played a completely useless dumbass in Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd, a completely useless Motocross champion in Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle, and a completely useless "street smart" kid in I, Robot.

He will soon be seen as a completely useless cab driver in Constantine.

Does Shia realize how completely useless the roles he accepts are?

He's the Kim Bauer of Hollywood cinema. Films needs his wisecracking comic relief like Wheel of Fortune needs Vanna White or Hannity needs Colmes.

Sing for absolution

Sunday night at the Grammy Awards, Kanye West prayed before the announcement of Best New Artist and then lost to Maroon 5. Haha.

West's loss was particularly satisfying because he's a megalomaniac.


At the 2004 American Music Awards, country singer Gretchen Wilson beat out West for Best New Artist. West showed his displeasure by walking out of the show in protest.

"I felt like I was definitely robbed and I refuse to give any politically correct bullshit ass [comment]," West said backstage. "I make the music from my heart […] and to be able to get 'Jesus Walks' on the radio and everything that's happening, I was the best new artist this year, so get that other bullshit out of here. […] I don't know if I'll be back next year."

It's a shame that West redeemed himself by winning the Grammy for Best Rap Album, because I think mounting awards show losses would make for fascinating reality television.

Poor Sport
The recording industry and MTV conspire to snub Kanye West at all music awards shows. Hidden cameras document the multitalent's reaction after each loss.

Pittsburgh or boobs?

This Friday, two rock stars will face off at your local cinemaplex.

On the heels of wife Gwen Stefani's turn as Jean Harlow in The Aviator, Gavin Rossdale (of the band Bush) plays Balthazar in Constantine.

Meanwhile, Dave Matthews plays Otis, an ex-con who sings to animals, in the film adaptation of the children's book Because of Winn-Dixie.

Who will deliver the more impressive performance? Who's cuisine will reign supreme?

I say Rossdale, because Matthews plays a troubadour (not a real stretch for him), whereas Rossdale plays SATAN'S EMISSARY.

His British accent doesn't hurt either.

The winner of this week's Lee Strasberg rock star acting challenge will go on to face Bowling For Soup next Friday. The pop band appears in the horror film Cursed.

If Rossdale advances (as expected), it'll be a battle of former chick flick players. Rossdale had a supporting role in Little Black Book, starring Brittany Murphy, while Bowling For Soup was the prom band in Crossroads, the infamous Britney Spears vehicle.

Oh yeah…

Also: Brandon convinces his unfaithful ex-girlfriend that she has HIV

Academic Injury

At the airport the other day, the security officer at the baggage inspection area exit asked to see my boarding pass. I showed it to him and he thanked me and then slyly added "Michigan, eh? Go blue…" as I walked away.

This is not the first time that a stranger has unexpectedly addressed my University of Michigan hoodie.

Michigan alumni are like Scientologists — they're everywhere but you'd never notice.

I can't remember why I even bought this hoodie, but it's prompted many random people to speak up. I assume that's because California is 2000 miles away from Michigan. I doubt anyone would care if I wore a UC Davis hoodie (of course, no one cares about UC Davis to begin with).

I should collect sweatshirts from distant colleges and rotate them into wear like Ted Knight did on Too Close for Comfort.

Did you know that BYU has its own television channel? I stumbled onto BYU Television while browsing DirecTV program listings.

The last hurrah-ah-ah…do it again

The Mighty Mighty Bosstones are supposedly on hiatus, but frontman Dicky Barrett's career moves (not to mention the band's defunct official website) suggest otherwise.

Dicky's been the announcer for Jimmy Kimmel Live for a while now and recently debuted as the morning DJ on So Cal radio station Indie 103.1.

Daily airwave commitments are no mere side projects.

I'm curious as to what the band's dancer is currently up to. His resumé must elicit some bewilderment.

     Dancer / Business Manager
     THE MIGHTY MIGHTY BOSSTONES                         (1985-2003)
     • moved body to ska music
     • cheerled (sp?)
     • monitored and evaluated band revenues and expenditures

the cultural influence of travis bickle's mohawk
handy dating tips from the gta: san andreas "girlfriend f.a.q."

Strike the fucking match to light this fuse

Attention fans of Arrested Development: petitions and letters are useless without someone like Bill O'Reilly personally adopting the cause and continuously voicing outrage until the target bows.

If you really want Fox to restart production, convince Adult Swim to add the series to its lineup.

Drummer Ryan Vikedal recently left Canadian rock group Nickelback. Then drummer Daniel Adair quit 3 Doors Down. 3DD singer Brad Arnold told Howard Stern that Adair left to become Nickelback's new drummer. Now comes word that Puddle of Mudd drummer Greg Upchurch will be behind the kit for 3 Doors Down's tour, though he has not left his main gig. All three bands toured together last summer.

Leaving 3 Doors Down to join Nickelback. What an improvement, eh?

Sundried tomatoes are such a useless ingredient. Have they ever positively enhanced a food dish?

American Dragon: Jake Long is an animated series on Disney Channel about a (supposedly) Chinese family living in New York City who can turn into dragons if necessary.

I caught an episode that featured a montage sequence set to a lousy "we couldn't get the rights to" imitation of "Hey Ya!"

I had two problems with what I saw:

1. Why is Jake's father white?

2. Asians who skateboard don't talk like AZNs, even in an urban environment. Jake needs to decide what kind of Asian he is (black, white or FOB) and roll with it. His identity crisis is annoying.

Speaking of racial incongruities in children's programming, can someone explain to me why on Nickelodeon's Romeo!, Romeo's white friend has a black mother and sister?

In my previous update, I mentioned that I'm not supposed to eat any chicken until the 19th.

So much for that.

I visited Costco today and while gorging myself on food samples, I inadvertently downed a few cups of chicken teriyaki rice bowl before my mother caught my sacrilege.

Mock my family's poultry fast if you must, but I'll have you know that tonight at dinner, my cousin Betsy received a phone call informing her that a close friend of hers just died in a car crash.

Guess who was sitting beside her at the time.

The menu boards at a Costco snack bar feature the least appealing images of food I have ever seen.

You can't kill the rooster

reporting from: Mountain View, CA

If California was a Canadian province and I grew up in the city of Orange, my hometown would be Orange, CA, CA.

I'm at home for a few days to cash in on the holiday. It's a custom during Chinese New Year for adults to distribute red envelopes filled with cash to young people. So far I've received $620.

Yes, I'm 22 and shouldn't be receiving handouts anymore, but if my relatives will continue to indulge my slacker ass, I will gladly accept.

Apparently, because this year's zodiac animal is a rooster, Chinese people are not supposed to consume any chicken products until the 19th, ten days after Lunar New Year's Day.

This poses a problem because chicken is my preferred meat. I don't eat red meat, I can't stomach pork (after Seth and Josh cursed me) and seafood is expensive.

Then again: $620.

I hear Lobsterfest's back at Red Lobster…

Sunday's telecast of the 47th annual Grammy Awards will open with a multi-artist performance stretching across three stages. The spectacle will feature the Black Eyed Peas, Gwen Stefani and Eve, Maroon 5, Franz Ferdinand and Los Lonely Boys.

Los Lonely Boys. Don't you have to be somewhat popular to play the Grammys? All I recognize is the band's name, which pops up in the media a lot. I've yet to hear an actual Los Lonely Boys song — the Johnny Cash cover they performed in a Sony MP3 Walkman commercial doesn't count — and I've seen no evidence that fans of theirs exist.

It's that El Cucuy, I tell you. He's somehow behind this.

Actually, I'm currently unemployed

Judging by what's on television nowadays, the American public is clearly fascinated by the premise that anything and everything can be "improved" — bodies, houses, cars, lives, etc.

With that said, someone should consider a makeover show for frat parties.

I think there is good money in a show on which a team of dubious experts help a fraternity put on its dream themed party.

"Okay, the brothers of Tau Beta Chi love Willy Wonka, so we're gonna create a chocolate river that runs through the house and install a vertical wind tunnel in the backyard replete with a bubble machine and champagne bar to serve as the Fizzy Lifting Drink room."

Speaking of frat parties…

Jesus Cuellar, a sophomore majoring in Spanish, said he went to The Row the night of Alpha Epsilon Pi's Once Upon a Time in Mexico party and saw a chain-link fence, barbed wire, a "Danger Keep Out" sign, flashing red lights and a cardboard poster reading "Welcome to Mexico" outside of the fraternity house.

Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity hosted a party that was promoted as having an L.A. Riots theme on Thursday, Feb. 3.

In spring 2004, the Delta Tau Delta fraternity hosted a party titled "Mekong Delta," which focused on the Vietnam War.

The University of Southern California, ladies and gentlemen.

In high school, each year, our marching band conceived a halftime show involving the score of a movie or a musical. I remember one year, the band performed a show based on Independence Day that featured a pathetic homemade alien saucer.

I always thought the marching band should have performed a show based on Saving Private Ryan. I pictured explosives planted underneath the field detonating and band members collapsing one by one until there was only a trumpet player left standing and then he or she would play "Taps."

Unfortunately, Scott didn't share my vision.

There's a difference between conscience, conscious and conscientious, contrary to popular belief

Actual movies set for release in 2005:

Santa's Slay
It turns out that Santa Claus (WCW superstar Goldberg) is not really the cuddly, harmless old fellow that we all know and love. In fact, he's a devil, and the only thing that has been keeping his bad side in check all this time is a bet he lost with an angel. Now, the bet has expired, and 1000 years of good cheer will be replaced by Christmas fear. Nicholas, his girlfriend Mac and his crazy grandfather are the only ones who know the truth about Santa and can save their town…and the world.

Not only does a wrestler play evil Santa Claus, but in real life, he's Jewish!

Nowhere Man
Conrad finds a pornographic video featuring his fiancé Jennifer. Shocked, he calls the wedding off. After an emotionally brutal week, Jennifer cuts off Conrad's penis and takes it with her for ransom. A doctor advises Conrad that if found immediately, there is some hope for re-attachment. Vengeful and furious, Conrad blunders gun first into the underworld of Jennifer's "blue film" past to find her — and his missing member!


Brokeback Mountain
A Wyoming ranch hand (Jake Gyllenhaal) and a rodeo cowboy (Heath Ledger) fall in love as 19-year-olds in 1963 while sheepherding on Brokeback Mountain. The film follows the men's clandestine relationship over 20 years: their marriages to women, the birth of their children, regular mountaintop assignations, the impossibility of their permanent union, and the gradual acceptance of the grave repercussions of their love.

It's a story about gay cowboys directed by Ang Lee (Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon)! Is America ready for the unbridled lust of Donnie Darko and a knight?

Snakes on a Plane
A ruthless assassin unleashes a crate full of lethal snakes aboard a packed passenger jet over the Pacific Ocean in order to eliminate a witness in protective custody. The rookie pilot and frightened passengers must band together to survive.

"Hey, what's Snakes on a Plane about?"

Today You Die
directed by: Don E. FauntLeRoy
starring: Steven Seagal and Treach from Naughty By Nature as "Ice Cool."

No synopsis needed.