The representative from California has the floor

There's an old football tradition that states that the Washington Redskins are an indicator of who will be elected President. If the Redskins win on the weekend before Election Day, it's a Republican. If they lose, it's a Democrat. Well, this year, they play the Green Bay Packers on said weekend.

Place your bets.

How much will it hurt Bears fans in Chicago to root for the Packers?

C-list Asian actors in an MTV Choose or Lose public service announcement that, at first, appears to be an ad for a futuristic, CGI-laden science fiction movie inform me that statistically, young Asian and Pacific Islander Americans are the least likely to show up at the voting booth. You want to know why? Because even if we vote, white men are still going to steal our women.

The Adam Riff™ Guide to Election Rhetoric
what they say what they really mean
"vote for something." "vote for kerry."
"declare yourself." "declare yourself for kerry."
"vote or die!" "vote for kerry or shyne will kill you."
"young people can make a difference. get involved today." "shit. we're out of black voters. who else might vote for kerry?"
"that's fine. you're free to feel differently." "i know it was you, fredo. you broke my heart. you broke my heart!"

Young Republican Mark thinks Kerry will win the popular vote but Bush will win the electoral (or: the one that matters). If this happens, George W. Bush will become the first President in American history to win office twice without ever winning the popular vote.

Mission accomplished.

Oh Canada…

Former WWF superstar Bret "The Hitman" Hart will play The Genie of the Lamp in a Toronto production of Aladdin: The Magical Family Musical this holiday season.

Producers screwed me out of the role in Montreal

Unable to wrestle after Goldberg kicked him in the head, Hart intends to rekindle his longstanding rivalry with Shawn Michaels in a different arena &#151 the arena of embarrassing queerness.

According to Hart, he's "the queerest there was, the queerest there is, and the queerest there ever will be."

Shawn Michaels (pre-finding Jesus)

He might want to re-consider his claims.

In other news, Avril Lavigne has recorded the theme song for The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie, in theatres November 19. Lavigne's theme will also grace the film's soundtrack, along with tunes by Motorhead, Wilco, Ween and The Flaming Lips.

Guess which bands I just lost respect for?

A pig in a cage on antibiotics

reporting from: newcastle, wa

Saturday is National Run Against Bush Day.

—Join 10,000 other runners in 100 cities across the country to show how you feel about this administration.

Get it? Run against Bush? Running? Ha ha.

It's a homonym.

Maybe next Saturday can be National Tie Against Bush Day, during which Kerry supporters show how they feel about this administration by dressing up like Raj from The Apprentice and tying sailor's knots.

And maybe the following Saturday can be National Nguyen Against Bush Day, during which Kerry supporters show how they feel about this administration by growing strange hairs from moles on their faces and necks and eating lots of pho.

And maybe November 2 can be National Lose Against Bush Day, during which, well…

Oreos and Beef Ramen

Never thought I'd let a rumor ruin my moonlight…

Well somebody told me
You had a boyfriend
Who looks like a girlfriend
That I had in February of last year
It's not confidential
I've got potential
A rushin', a rushin' around

What the fuck is he singing about? The lyrics are ridiculous.

There. I said it.

reporting from: nor cal

on Live 105 after the DJ played "Caring Is Creepy" by The Shins off the Garden State soundtrack:
Journalist: Star Wars ruined [Natalie Portman] for me. Garden State redeemed her.
John McCrea of Cake: In her defense, it's kind of hard to play a princess from a far away galaxy.

San Francisco's Live 105 is my favorite commercial radio station. PD Sean Demery and MD Aaron Axelsen do a swell job putting together radio that's (relatively) creative and interesting. Few major market stations would ever play Adam Freeland, Calexico and Lyrics Born alongside Breaking Benjamin and Slipknot with the occasional Love and Rockets song thrown in.

I particularly like the station's nightly "Five Minutes of Radiohead" and its Tuesday afternoon "ADD Music Hour" during which the DJ plays 90-second clips of new music and identifies artist and song title for each.

I first heard Eminem when Axelsen played "My Name Is" uncensored on his Saturday night electronica and hip-hop program.

I remember when Pavement's "Shady Lane" was Live 105's number one most requested song of the day.

I could discuss radio for hours, but I'll stop here.

My brother asked me to buy him a bunch of Lance Armstrong wristbands so he could sell them at school and profit off this lame fashion trend (no offense, Clint).

Reebok should sell red Magic Johnson Live Unnaturally Longer wristbands.

my brother's friend Richard:
—Winston, you left your Chinese school homework at my house. Here. I finished mine and was bored, so I did yours for you.

Unbelievable. Only 14 years old and he has his own bitch.

Today, I venture up the left coast to Seattle, WA and (I hope) Vancouver, BC. I can't wait to step outside the airport and inhale a large quantity of the Pacific Northwest's delightful air. I've waited a year for it to grace my lungs again.

If you think I'm crazy, visit Seattle and tell me the city doesn't have the most incredible air in America.

Seattle is Druidia and I'm a resident of Spaceball City.

It's not over 'til you're underground

Viacom should launch a children's game show network. Double Dare, Fun House, Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego?, Legends of the Hidden Temple, Nick Arcade, What Would You Do? — I'd hit that line-up. ("Shamrock Embolism," 09.12.04)

—Now, I don't know if these lines are straight sarcasm that had flown over my head, but Viacom does have a children's game show network that airs the above highlighted shows. It is called Nick GaS (Games and Sports).


I'm sorry. Some of us don't receive that illustrious network on our DirecTV.

Breaking News!

—i just pooped my pants
—went to fart, more than fart came out
—underwear was unsalvageable
—pants are in washer

—are you serious?

—you did not just shart
—i sharted
—and now i have to miss the only class i have where attendence is taken
—how does that make you feel?

—i don't believe you
—haha, i can take a webcam pic of the wet spot on my chair from me cleaning up the stain
—prove it
—i really don't believe you

wants to directly connect.
is now directly connected.

—before you say "well you just poured water on it to convince me," think about how many hours i'm sitting on this chair in front of the computer, and why i would ever want to get it wet, especially just to prove i pooped my pants
—that's kinda gross
—was it a large shart?

—it was very liquidy
—hence the stains

—oh jeez
—well congratulations
—now you have pee AND poop under your belt

Written in Cold Blood with a Toothpick

reporting from: nor cal

Apparently, Paige Price, the butch cunt who overthrew my beloved high school journalism adviser (go ahead and sue me for libel, you fuckin' witch), makes staff members watch the movie Shattered Glass as part of her "responsible journalism" agenda curriculum.

I think the adjective "sassy" was invented for black women.

I see a lot of portly black homeless men with portable stereos riding buses.

I stopped at a red light on El Camino behind a car with a "Dean for America" bumper sticker attached. Seconds later, a car with a "Clark 04" bumper sticker attached rolled up in the lane beside mine. Give it up, people. The longer you hold out on adhesive remover, the more pathetic you look.

Inspired by Sky Captain, I'm-a make a retro sci-fi in which the Gay Straight Alliance must topple the Axis of Pedophil.

The information bar at the top of the screen during Fox NFL broadcasts is a cluttered eyesore. It's hard to read the information. Why can't Fox use the same "classic" information bar it uses for MLB broadcasts?

I've seen the Boogie Man and he's Steven Cojocaru of Entertainment Tonight.

I've decided to be Isaac Brock in the video for Modest Mouse's "Float On" for Halloween. I think Rory's planning to dress up as Carlos from Interpol.

Shamrock Embolism

MTV refers to Nelly's two new albums as "Suit/Sweat," probably because it realizes how stupid "Sweat/Suit" sounds.

Gene Rayburn: We surveyed the audience. Top three answers on the board. Please fill in the blank for this: _____ suit. You may ask three panelists for suggestions.
Nelly: Charles.
Charles Nelson Reilly: Leisure suit.
Gene Rayburn: Leisure suit. Popular with men nowadays.
Nelly: Brett.
Brett Sommers: Lawsuit.
Gene Rayburn: Lawsuit. Good one.
Nelly: Richard.
Richard Dawson: Zoot suit.
Gene Rayburn: Zoot suit. A Mexican favorite. [pause] Okay, Cornell. Our panelists suggested "leisure suit," "lawsuit" and "zoot suit." You can use one of those or one of your own. What say you?
Nelly: I'm-a go with one of my own, Gene, and say "sweat suit."
[sparse applause]
Gene Rayburn: …Sweat suit? Are you sure?
Nelly: Yee, dirty.

What happened to Game Show Network?

All it appears to air nowadays are Street Smarts (Jaywalking: the game) and Dog Eat Dog. Cartoon Network could abandon classic Hanna-Barbara because animated series that children will watch aren't hard to produce. Game shows are a different animal. Put $25,000 Pyramid, Press Your Luck and Let's Make a Deal back in heavy rotation, GSN. No one wants to watch Brooke Burns penalize contestants with physical challenges in a giant indoor pool for answering trivia questions incorrectly.

Viacom should launch a children's game show network. Double Dare, Fun House, Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego?, Legends of the Hidden Temple, Nick Arcade, What Would You Do? — I'd hit that line-up.

Remember Debt? That was a good game show.

The bonus round of Debt was a chance to go double or nothing on your winnings, based on a single question about a pop culture specialty of your choosing. My friend Shing used to say that if ever she won, she'd choose the sitcom NewsRadio as her specialty. I'd probably pick "the illusions of David Copperfield."

When I'm bored, I storyboard music videos.

Today's pitch: New Found Glory – "Your Biggest Mistake"

The chorus of the song is: "Everyone's told you, over and over again, you're making the biggest mistake of your life."

In the video, band members appear as contestants on popular game shows on which contestants receive advice from other people (Match Game, The Price Is Right, Family Feud, Who Wants to be a Millionaire?). The "contestants" listen to useful outside advice and then respond with fatheaded answers of their own. Jaws drop in the audience. Viewers scream at their televisions. The sheer idiocy renders hosts and fellow contestants speechless.

Interspersed between the game show clips is footage of the band performing in an Astro Jump, just because I think it'd look cool.

Best game show of all time: Remote Control.

Obi-Wan Ken Ober. Haha.

Weapons of Mutually Assured Destruction

Adam Robot:
—you love it
—that reminds me of an episode of geraldo i once saw
—he profiled this girl's initiation into the ku klux klan on her 18th birthday
—her parents bought her a birthday cake iced to look like a nazi flag
—what kind of baker would agree to do that?

—just like what company prints those aborted fetus posters for the pro-life people
—good question
—we've got some morally bankrupt bakers and printers in the world

—we do, we do

With a little help from our friends

Sitcoms have clip shows. Adam Riff™ has the "feedback and addendum update."

Hurricane Charley? ("Putting Shame in Your Name," 08.13.04)

Ivan. Now that's a good name for a hurricane.

Many Chinese people have English first names that sound ridiculous paired with a Chinese surname. ("Putting Shame in Your Name," 08.13.04)

My parents told me about the exploits of a friend of theirs who named himself Zimmer.

When it came time to leave a tip for the waitress, the boys refused. ("Sweater weather for you, and a straitjacket for me," 09.02.04)

—that waitress was a snide cunt
—and you're a bitch

—tipping is customary!

—don't get reservoir dogs on me
—regardless of the quality of service
—that's ridiculous
—don't be a jew
—don't be a stupid oriental bound to dubious notions of honor
—bitch please

—elipse me all you want
—i won't pay someone to perform an unnecessary service with a bad attitude
—i'll save my cash and go to a buffet

Evergreen Terrace's [cover of U2's "Sunday Bloody Sunday"] has heavier guitar, but it's not music. ("Violator," 09.08.04)

Matt (to Rory):
—evergreen terrace is good

—don't judge a band by its cover of a u2 song. u2 sucks, so they can only do so much with what they're given

—hardcore only sounds like screamo if you call screamo hardcore. and saying that they all sound alike is a lot different than saying they're "not music"

—don't like it, it's fine… but on your site, this is how it makes you look: "i like u2 a lot, but not when a screaming band covers it, because screaming bands aren't music" all of the people who don't know you that read your site just got that impression of you
—makes you look like a douche

—i mean, say what you want to say. i just wanted to let you know that it made you look like an old fart

—i find no end to the amusement at the fact that you like u2

Steven visited California over Labor Day weekend. We spent a few days up north… ("Collapse and Applause," 09.09.04)

Steven and I walked around Chinatown for an hour looking for a purse he promised to buy a half-Chinese friend back in Texas. Chinatown is full of gift shops, all of them sell purses, but Steven didn't like any he saw. At one point, he picked up a purse and muttered, "This isn't going to get me laid…"

We saw The Brown Bunny at the Nuart. [Vincent] Gallo fielded audience questions afterward. —Did you cum? ("Collapse and Applause," 09.09.04)

—did chloe sevigny really give him a blow job?
—that's sad

—have you seen the dreamers?
—there is a scene where the american boy wipes the girl's popped cherry blood all over her face. it's really sick
—i watched it with my dad. it was really weird

On September 10, 2000, I quietly launched this website. ("Cuatrophy," 09.10.04)

—happy fourth

Made my day.

I added a timely update to the archive.

Collapse and Applause

—That was Esai Morales.
—We just walked by Esai Morales.
—No, we didn't.
—Dude, I'm good at recognizing people. That was Esai Morales in the pink shirt.
—Well, why don't you run back and take a photograph with him?
—I don't want to disturb him. He's with his son.
—Right… Esai Morales… Sure…
—I'm telling you! That was Esai Morales!

To Steven's credit, he can identify actors in the smallest of film roles.

He also believes he can win the lottery.

Steven visited California over Labor Day weekend. We spent a few days up north and a few days down south.

I'm so sick of giving tours of my state to people I met online. This particular go-round forced me outdoors during a heat wave.

Pre-San Francisco

I hate driving in metropolises.

The Caltrain website said that parking might be scarce at its Mountain View station, so I opted to park and board at the San Antonio station a few minutes away.

After parking my car in the San Antonio Caltrain station's underground parking lot, I realized that I could only pay for a parking permit with quarters.

Train: missed.

Exiting my parking space to go get quarters, I backed into a concrete pillar.

Lexus taillight: smashed.

This is the second time I've smashed a car taillight backing into an inanimate object.

San Francisco

At Fisherman's Wharf, I saw a homeless person with a cat and a sign that said "Kitty Donation$."

Using a pet to panhandle is low. Moreover, is it really wise to take in a pet if you're homeless?

Why do magic shops always sell haha funny (not) bumper stickers?

The (usually black) men who paint themselves silver and gold and pretend to be statues at tourist traps make me rethink this whole "needing an actual job to survive" thing. I want to meet the idiot Samaritans who tip people for standing still.

While walking around the Castro district, Steven asked me if I'd ever seen a retarded homosexual. I said "no," and then started chuckling at the thought of a retarded homosexual.

I saw a man in a cafe wearing a t-shirt that said "Republicans for John Kerry."

Post-San Francisco

We arrived at the San Francisco Caltrain station a few minutes before our train was set to depart. The ticket machine I chose wouldn't accept coins, so I had to use the one beside it. After purchasing tickets, I ran to the bathroom and peed quickly.

The doors of our gate closed just as we approached.

Train: missed.

We boarded the next outbound train, but it didn't stop at the San Antonio station, only at the one after it (Mountain View).

Station: missed.

We wasted an hour walking from the Mountain View station to the San Antonio one to retrieve my damaged car.

Pre-Los Angeles

We rode Caltrain to the San Jose airport. I didn't want to pay $15 a day for long term parking.

At the LAX transit center, we waited an hour and not a single bus appeared. Apparently, there had been a bomb scare at the airport earlier in the day and security re-routed all city buses without telling anyone.

Los Angeles

We saw The Brown Bunny at the Nuart. Vincent Gallo's penis is a fuckin' space shuttle. Gallo fielded audience questions afterward. He kept dissing Wes Anderson in his responses.

—Last question!
—Did you cum?

Steven wanted to eat at Pink's. We waited an hour in easy-bake oven weather to eat hot dogs. During the wait, an old white man in an old white convertible with the top down drove by and honked his car horn repeatedly while flashing a Bush/Cheney '04 bumper sticker at everyone in line. He then pointed at random people in line before driving off.

Who did he think we were? Just because we support wieners in buns doesn't mean we dislike Dick and Bush (groan).

I saw a laundromat in West Hollywood that said "7 days a week… Sundays too!"

My updates on this site would be so much better if I had a digital camera.

Post-Los Angeles

Caltrain dropped me off at its Mountain View station. According to VTA timetables, the next 51 bus (which would take me home) would arrive in about an hour.

The bus never came. I spent an hour walking home in hot hot heat carrying a sleeping bag like a transient after wasting a little over an hour waiting for nothing.

I hate public buses. I've been stood up by so many fuckin' buses in my life. This is why I like trains. Trains rarely (if ever) no-show or show up late. I know what you're all probably thinking though: "That's because trains are male. Fag."


Marilyn Manson's cover of Depeche Mode's "Personal Jesus" sounds like the original with "heavy" guitar added. Did he even try?

For his next attempt at relevance by way of 80s nostalgia, Manson should cover U2's "Sunday Bloody Sunday." I love the song, but always thought it needed heavier guitar.

Evergreen Terrace's version has heavier guitar, but it's not music.

I saw the video for DM's "I Feel You" playing on television monitors at a record store. I'm embarrassed for Dave Gahan.


reporting from: nor cal

While waiting at the (San Jose) airport to pick up Steven, I saw a group of people wearing matching white t-shirts exit the boarding area.

My eyes zoomed in on their shirts out of curiosity. I saw a middle eastern art design on the front and then "Chaldeantown" and "Detroit, MI" underneath and then "Detroit Chaldean Soccer Club" on the back.

This is probably only amusing to me.

Steven and I went to Berkeley. Bongo Burger is yummy.

On campus, I picked up a copy of the Cal humor magazine.

From Squelch:
Top Five Morally Ambiguous Acts
5. Aborting Hitler
4. Killing an anti-Pope
3. Reading to deaf people
2. Buying a Toyota Prius and using the gas you saved to burn forests
1. Cheating on your ugly girlfriend

It appears my brother is obsessed with the game Truth or Dare.

Sweater weather for you, and a straitjacket for me

reporting from: nor cal

Why do Alaska and Hawaii have their own airlines? What makes them so special that they can compete with whole countries?

—They're listening.
[all of a sudden, the house gets sucked into space]

Someone please explain the last shot of the trailer for The Forgotten to me.

I saw a commercial for a new toothpaste with mini breath strips inside the toothpaste. I think it's time for a moratorium on household dental care innovation. The industry should have called one after the release of those Oral-B finger condoms.

I went to pick up a take-out order at Chef Chu's. I handed the lady behind the counter a credit card and she handed me a slip of paper to sign. On it, underneath the price, was a line to add a tip.

Fuck that, I thought. What do I have to tip for?

Then I thought maybe I was supposed to tip the lady for putting the food in boxes and bags and went back and added a tip.

Still, what kind of shady extortion is that?

I'm too nice.

Last last spring, Jord, Tony, Joe and I went to a Mexican restaurant in Mesa, AZ for dinner. This restaurant serves complimentary chips and dip with every meal.

Jord and Tony didn't like our waitress. I don't remember why exactly. All I remember is that they kept talking about how they disliked the waitress and how they should have just ordered drinks and gorged themselves on complimentary chips and dip for dinner.

When it came time to leave a tip for the waitress, the boys refused. I felt bad for her and decided to leave the whole tip myself out of courtesy. I pulled out my wallet, and as I grabbed some cash from it, the waitress passed by our table.

After she was outside listening range, Tony smirked and said, "Okay, now put the money back in your wallet. That was a nice move there."