I wanted to make love to her in the worst way possible &#151 standing up in a hammock

Greetings from The D!

According to the documentary Super Size Me, Detroit is the fattest city in America. I've been here five times and have yet to see Robocop, but I must say that all I've been doing since I arrived on Saturday is eating.

Saturday night, I swallowed a parade of heartburn fodder at Buffalo Wild Wings (Hooters with trivia games instead of boobies).

On Sunday, Danielle took me to a party in West Bloomfield thrown by her father's friend in the backyard of his lakefront property house. I felt like I was at Sean Penn's place in Carlito's Way.

To give you an idea of just how much food was available at this party, dessert consisted of five different cakes and two ice cream pies.

Five cakes!

In addition, the party reunited me with my two favorite words in the English language: "open" and "bar."

I thought it was funny that all the guests (save little ethnic me) were white and all the help was black.

Mikey's on fire