Factor Fiction

—Fox Networks Group on Tuesday said it would launch a reality television cable network early next year.

As a result of corporate synergy, one of the original series for the upstart network will document the life of Fox News Channel personality Bill O'Reilly a la The Ashlee Simpson Show.

Adam Riff™ has obtained a partial transcript of the pilot episode of The Real O'Reilly.

Sandwich Artist: Welcome to Shorty's, sir. Would you like to try one of our new low carb toasted flatbread sandwiches?
Bill O'Reilly: Low carb what?
Artist: Toasted flatbread sandwiches. They're like regular sandwiches only with low carb flatbread instead of regular bread and no meat, cheese, vegetables or dressing, a healthier alternative to our regular fare for people watching their weight. Here. This is a pamphlet with low carb nutrition information.
Bill: Excuse me. What's your name?
Artist: Bob. Bob May.
Bill: Oh I'm sorry. I thought it was Joseph Goebbels. Don't sling your propaganda at me! Low carb diets are a bunch of baloney. These nutrition facts distort the truth. Give me a turkey sandwich with everything and a medium drink.
Artist: What kind of bread would you like?
Bill: White-bred.
Artist: Okay.
Bill: Wait. Where did you get that bread from?
Artist: Um…the incubator?
Bill: No. I mean, where did you receive it from? You didn't import it from France, did you? Because I won't eat it if it's from France. That country is not a friend to the USA and I am using my economic choice to send the French government a message!
Artist: That's great. You do that.
Artist: I think we received the bread from regional headquarters in Albany.
Bill: Good. What about that turkey? Is it from France? And those tomatoes. Are they of French origin?
Artist: I…I don't know. I'm guessing all this other food is from headquarters too.
Bill: You better make sure. If I find out that any part of my sandwich is from France, I'll kill you. I'll drag you out into the street, don a fake mustache, howl and put a bullet right between your nipples. Understand?
Artist: And what would you like to drink, sir?
Bill: Diet Coke.
Artist: I'm sorry. We only serve Pepsi products here.
Bill: How can you support a company that pays gangsta rappers to promote its products? You're hurting young niggers, er, I mean, impressionable children that lack parental guidance! Every cup of Sierra Mist you sell further legitimizes the violent and antisocial messages gangsta rappers put out. As an American, you must hold the Pepsi corporation accountable for the decline of our culture. Think about the children! Pepsi obviously could not care less about children. Help me save the children! I love lamp!
Artist: So…you want Diet Pepsi or not?
Bill: You know what? Forget my order. I'm going to Blimpy's. Ridiculous…