Guns Don't Kill People, Mario Van Peebles

I just blew my nose in a used sheet of Bounce.

Thursday night, I saw Green Day at the Grand Olympic Auditorium.

No one had a car available, so we rode the bus downtown. The timetable said a Metro 2 bus would arrive in Westwood at 6:15 pm. We arrived at the bus stop at 6:10 pm. A 2 bus didn't arrive until 6:40 pm. The bus arrived at the Grand Olympic Auditorium at 8:20 pm. We spent an hour and 40 minutes (plus waiting time) traveling 13.5 miles. In that time, I could have flown to New Mexico.

Fortunately, Green Day was worth the trouble. $10 for two hours of rock goodness, about 60% cover songs, 40% Green Day material.

If I remember correctly, the band covered: Billy Idol, Jimi Hendrix, Operation Ivy, Otis Day and the Knights, Ozzy Osbourne, The Buzzcocks, The Clash (twice), The Go-Gos (with a special appearance by Jane Wiedlin), The Misfits, The Network (heh), The Who and Weezer and closed with a kickass rendition of Queen's "We Are The Champions."

Some frat-boy-types tried to start a circle pit during "Our Lips Are Sealed."

I've noticed that instead of tapping my toes to music, I tap my heels.

When someone at a show salutes the band on stage with one or two middle fingers after a song, is that good or bad?

Friday night, I saw The Village.

The Village

Here's the deal with M. Night Shyamalan: He comes up with great premises for movies, but (with the exception of The Sixth Sense) he can't make them pay off. He's mastered foreplay, but the ability to deliver an orgasm eludes him. He needs to hire a screenwriting Mariano Rivera.

—Honey, I have to be honest with you, and please don't scream. We…made up the whole premise of this movie.

Are you kidding me? I thought. This is probably the most unbelievable deus ex machina since Pam Ewing "dreamt" the whole 1985-86 season of Dallas. Fuck the monsters! Let's remake The Truman Show with a blind girl in the remaining time!

I thought Shyamalan might salvage the movie by having Ron Howard's daughter die in the woods after internalizing the monsters all her life, but he forwent a psychological slant for this:

—He found the extra costume under the floorboards and leaped out the window!

Sometime during the movie, the soundsystem freaked and blipped for about a minute. Theatre managers distributed free movie passes afterward to compensate for the audio problem.

I may have lost two hours, but at least I got $10 back.

By the time you read this, I'll be in Detroit for the Libertarian National Convention.

All next week, updates from Michigan (and possibly Illinois). Hit the mobile. (650) 279-2317. Drinks are on me.

Brain Stew

I saw Garden State again Wednesday night. The screening was sold out. I scalped two extra tickets I had.

Tickets went on sale Wednesday afternoon (and quickly sold out) for a one-off Green Day show Thursday night at the Grand Olympic Auditorium, a special dress rehearsal for their upcoming Japanese tour. I hear it'll be a two-hour set. Sweetness.

I'm tired.

Prostitute in a Parachute

Today at work, I learned that my supervisor owns an extensive collection of wigs. He then showed me a website full of graphic photographs of him in drag. Apparently, in his off-time, my supervisor likes to pose as a female cheerleader…without any underwear on.

Also today, a bunch of French teenagers invaded the pool. Those that actually swam curiously only swam breaststroke with their heads above water. One French fuck didn't understand that lanes are for lap swimming and many swimmers (myself included) crashed into him as he meandered about the pool.

I wonder what's more delicious: the new drink at Krispy Kreme that tastes like an original glazed Krispy Kreme donut or new Oreo-flavored Jell-O instant pudding.

As expected, Catwoman was more Daredevil than Spider-Man. I blame it on the director Pitof. Movies directed by people with ridiculous one-word names generally suck.

Who directed both Charlie's Angels movies? McG.
Who directed Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever? Kaos.
Who directed The Cell? Tarsem.

On the website for The Village, you can download a t-shirt iron-on that says "M. Night Fan."

This shirt might be gayer than dressing up as a female cheerleader.

currently annoyed by:
—people who read or have read the book fast food nation
—radio stations with first names
—the comedian corey holcomb
—the ying yang twins on cribs (ho-ly shit)
—scuff marks on my three-day-old ipod

Matinee in the Garden of Good and Evil

Garden State
first 2/3:

final 1/3:

I should preface this piece by saying that I hate writing movie reviews.

If Wes Anderson and Sub Pop Records remade The Graduate, the result might be Garden State, a contemporary bildungsroman for post-college twentysomethings.

Zach Braff (Scrubs) plays Large, a disaffected actor who returns home to New Jersey for his mother's funeral, falls for big-hearted Sam (Natalie Portman, so cute) and does what people do in coming-of-age movies.

The first hour of Garden State evokes You Can Count on Me and The Station Agent — simple character-driven storytelling rife with interesting dialogue. The trailer features an edit of my favorite monologue from the movie:

—You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? That idea of home is gone. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place.

Anyone who's ever returned to their hometown after an extended absence can relate to what he's saying.

Also in the first hour: footage of a dog masturbating.

Sadly, Garden State takes a downturn once Large and friends set out on a scavenger hunt. Among other things, a visit to a hotel with voyeurs in the walls between rooms feels out of place and Large and Sam (so cute) share an awkwardly abrupt first kiss. Moreover, the dialogue frequently devolves into lines out of a Tony Robbins seminar.

The movie ends in an airport. You can probably figure out what happens.

Portman (so cute) salvages what she can of the final half-hour, but it's not enough to ward off a letdown.


I, Robot

I liked seeing Sonny fight other robots. I love it when CGI creatures fight each other. Remember the T. Rex vs. T. Rex fight in The Lost World: Jurassic Park 2? That was rad.

Also, what exactly was the point of Shia LaBeouf's character?

The Bourne Supremacy

Did the cinematographer have carpal tunnel syndrome?

Dobi Overhaul

I see you're drinking 1% milk

—Fox Searchlight will attach a five-minute epilogue to Napoleon Dynamite for its wide expansion this Friday. Shot on June 22 and 23 in Idaho, the epilogue offers a peek into the future of Napoleon and his friends. It's "the wedding of the century."

Goddammit, Fox.

Why must you punish me for seeing movies early?

Searchlight did the same thing last year when they attached the alternate ending of 28 Days Later to prints for its wide expansion.


If it takes shit to make bliss, well I feel pretty blissfully

Two firsts today: I saw a black person in the Sunset Canyon Rec Center pool and I saw a black person wearing a (The) Used shirt.

I want to rent a knight costume for Halloween so I can be "the chink in the armor."

I saw a trailer for Christmas with the Kranks.

Tim Allen: We wants it. We needs it. Must have penissss. They stole it from us. Sneaky little moviesss. Wicked, trickssssy, falssse!
Tim Allen: No! Not Christmas movies.
Tim Allen: Yes, Christmas movies. False. They will cheat you, hurt you, lie.
Tim Allen: Christmas movies good for my career.
Tim Allen: You don't have a career anymore. Nobody likes YOUR movies…
Tim Allen: Not listening. Not listening.
Tim Allen: You're a liar and a girlie man.
Tim Allen: Nope.
Tim Allen: Mur…derer…!
Tim Allen: Go away!
Tim Allen: Go away? AR AR AR!
Tim Allen: I hate you. I hate you!
Tim Allen: Where would you be without me? Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. I saved us. The chauvinism. The cars. It was me. We survived because of me!
Tim Allen: Not anymore.
Tim Allen: What did you say?
Tim Allen: Christmas movies look after us now. We don't need you.
Tim Allen: What?
Tim Allen: Leave now and never come back.
Tim Allen: No!!
Tim Allen: Leave now and never come back!
Tim Allen: Ar ar ar Arrrgh!!!
Tim Allen: We… we told him to go away! And away he goes, my penisss. Ho ho ho! Tim is free!

I saw a commercial during Adult Swim for Zoobooks. Remember Zoobooks? What a shitty magazine.

—Each and every month, watch your budding animal-lover turn away from the television and eagerly curl up on the couch to make new discoveries about another exciting animal. Be prepared for a lot of "Mom, Dad — did you know that I could be having oral sex with my classmates instead of reading about the same stupid animal for 20 pages?

At least Ranger Rick had variety.

My favorite kiddie magazine was Zillions. Nothing enthralls children like consumer reports.

The name Encyclopedia Brown has a porn star quality to it. If I was a child sleuth with a catchy name that combined a reference book and a color, I'd be Atlas Black.

—Thesaurus Green
—actually no
—MLA Handbook Maroon

currently annoyed by:
—that stinging feeling you get when you inhale pool water through your nose
—old (usually jewish) people who talk during movies
—akiva goldsman's screenwriting
—people who ride an elevator one floor up, especially when stairs are nearby
—newspaper websites that require registration
—pad thai
—my second cold this month

Tinnitus Tonight

I saw Modest Mouse Sunday night at the Hollywood Avalon. Good show. "Doin' The Cockroach" was particularly awesome live.

There was a group of girls standing behind me who kept screaming at Isaac.

—Isaac, take off your shirt!
—"Truckers Atlas"! Play "Truckers Atlas"! "Truckers Atlas"! Play "Truckers Atlas"! Please! I've waited two years! "Truckers Atlas"!

One of them spilled Bud Light on me.

During a set change, Jed the Fish (a DJ on the world famous KROQ) appeared on stage to hype up the audience and was roundly booed and heckled.

—You know what I like about the music of Modest Mouse and The Walkmen? It's challenging!

I feel sorry for DJs at rock radio stations that sponsor concerts. They have to appear briefly at sponsored events and no one ever cheers them. Pitchfork kids hate them, punk rock kids hate them, loud rock kids hate them. No one likes them. They're like Texans.

In terms of enjoyment this year, I rank Modest Mouse's set second behind The Strokes' set at Live 105's BFD in June.

I'd seen The Strokes perform live on television and wasn't impressed. They just stood in place. However, at BFD, Julian was beyond wasted.

During The Strokes' set, he:
—poured beer on his head
—kicked over two monitor speakers
—tried to break his mic stand
—threw his mic stand at the venue's video cameraman
—said "i hate this song! no, i love this song! it's a good fucking song" before playing "reptilia"
—tackled said cameraman
—tried to take said cameraman's camera
—during "reptilia," stuck his ass at said camera's lens and instead of singing "you sound so sleepy…" sang "i want to stick that camera in my asshole"
—threw his mic at fab's bass drum
—leaned on his mic stand and fell flat onto a monitor speaker
—in the middle of discussing his love of friday nights, paused and said "fuck it. play the song"
—hung his mic up as the band started playing a song, wandered to the corner of stage right and stood there aimlessly until his cue to sing
—wandered offstage as the band started playing a song
—wandered into the audience mid-song at least five times
—tried on an audience member's trucker hat
—looked at the stage backdrop and said "live 105! b-fee-d! i never learned the alphabet"
—when albert tried to talk to him, told him to shut up and then kissed him on the lips
—fell over and kept singing
—rolled around the stage
—played drums after the show

Terribly unprofessional. Very, very rock 'n' roll.

Bringing That Beat Back

—All 10 members of the Wu-Tang Clan will perform together for the first time in over 10 years at the Rock The Bells festival in San Bernadino, CA on Saturday.

Scratch another band off my list.

A few years ago, bored in class, I dreamt up a single-day music festival that would reunite bands from the 90s that broke up. Since then, the original members of Primus reunited and the Wu-Tang Clan is about to, but I think there are still enough kickass defunct bands from the 90s to curate a successful reunion festival. Two concurrent stages. General admission. Full-length sets. Hey, it could happen.

"The Reunion Show"

Stage One
Rage Against The Machine
At The Drive-In
Screeching Weasel*

Stage Two
Oingo Boingo
Soul Coughing
Invisbl Skratch Piklz

*Yes, I know the band reformed in 1996, but first they broke up. Plus, Ben hates touring, and I'd rather see him play live before I die than, say, My Doody Valentine.

currently annoyed by:
—the asian guy in a lakers jersey who slides across the screen like a badass motherfucker at the end of the television commercial for blockbuster's flip card
—the comedian ant
—the resilience of stuffed crust pizza
—a swollen eyelid
—not having screens for the windows in my room

Factor Fiction

—Fox Networks Group on Tuesday said it would launch a reality television cable network early next year.

As a result of corporate synergy, one of the original series for the upstart network will document the life of Fox News Channel personality Bill O'Reilly a la The Ashlee Simpson Show.

Adam Riff™ has obtained a partial transcript of the pilot episode of The Real O'Reilly.

Sandwich Artist: Welcome to Shorty's, sir. Would you like to try one of our new low carb toasted flatbread sandwiches?
Bill O'Reilly: Low carb what?
Artist: Toasted flatbread sandwiches. They're like regular sandwiches only with low carb flatbread instead of regular bread and no meat, cheese, vegetables or dressing, a healthier alternative to our regular fare for people watching their weight. Here. This is a pamphlet with low carb nutrition information.
Bill: Excuse me. What's your name?
Artist: Bob. Bob May.
Bill: Oh I'm sorry. I thought it was Joseph Goebbels. Don't sling your propaganda at me! Low carb diets are a bunch of baloney. These nutrition facts distort the truth. Give me a turkey sandwich with everything and a medium drink.
Artist: What kind of bread would you like?
Bill: White-bred.
Artist: Okay.
Bill: Wait. Where did you get that bread from?
Artist: Um…the incubator?
Bill: No. I mean, where did you receive it from? You didn't import it from France, did you? Because I won't eat it if it's from France. That country is not a friend to the USA and I am using my economic choice to send the French government a message!
Artist: That's great. You do that.
Artist: I think we received the bread from regional headquarters in Albany.
Bill: Good. What about that turkey? Is it from France? And those tomatoes. Are they of French origin?
Artist: I…I don't know. I'm guessing all this other food is from headquarters too.
Bill: You better make sure. If I find out that any part of my sandwich is from France, I'll kill you. I'll drag you out into the street, don a fake mustache, howl and put a bullet right between your nipples. Understand?
Artist: And what would you like to drink, sir?
Bill: Diet Coke.
Artist: I'm sorry. We only serve Pepsi products here.
Bill: How can you support a company that pays gangsta rappers to promote its products? You're hurting young niggers, er, I mean, impressionable children that lack parental guidance! Every cup of Sierra Mist you sell further legitimizes the violent and antisocial messages gangsta rappers put out. As an American, you must hold the Pepsi corporation accountable for the decline of our culture. Think about the children! Pepsi obviously could not care less about children. Help me save the children! I love lamp!
Artist: So…you want Diet Pepsi or not?
Bill: You know what? Forget my order. I'm going to Blimpy's. Ridiculous…

The way Kathie Lee needed Regis

—P.O.D. have recorded a song for an upcoming disc of songs inspired by The Passion of the Christ. The lead single from the disc will be "Relearn Love," the first solo work from former Creed singer Scott Stapp. The album will hit stores on August 31.

In other news, Adam Riff™ will release a disc of songs next month inspired by seeing The Passion of the Christ. The set includes (song titles in lowercase because we're hip): "no, i don't want a tract," "what did he just say?," "korean girl sitting beside me, stop crying" and the lead single "if you people want him to carry that heavy cross all the way up the mountain, repeatedly beating him down while he's trying to do so is kind of counterproductive (dumbasses)."

Bill Parcells is not racial

(Sean Salisbury on ESPN)

I saw a few ads on the internet for Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle .

Apparently, there wasn't enough room in this vertical banner ad to put both Harold and Kumar, so marketing just used the face of a guy who looks both Asian and Indian.

I assume this is a parody of the poster for American Beauty. I don't know if I'd ever want White Castle burgers so close to my genitals.

We don't have White Castles in California. I know native Los Angelinos who think White Castle burgers are only available in the freezer section at Ralphs.

I've been to White Castle twice. Once in New York City, once in Royal Oak. Both times, I saw only black people working behind the counter.

I've been to Black Angus twice. Once in Foster City, once in Sunnyvale. Both times, I saw only white people working in the restaurant.

I've been to Gray's Papaya (in New York City) twice. Both times, I saw only Mexicans working behind the counter.

Okay, they may have been Puerto Rican.

—Wendy's is neck-and-neck with rival Burger King, poised to take over as America's number two restaurant chain behind McDonald's.

How can this be? I've lived and traveled throughout California and I've never seen a Wendy's in this state. They're all in Canada.

Homeless people, when you ask for money and I shake my head, I'm not denying your request — I'm expressing my disapproval of your lifestyle choice. Please do not confuse the two. Thank you.

currently annoyed by:
—people who swim laps with flippers on
—pitchfork's current layout
—the music of the walkmen
—the dancing baby from ally mcbeal
—the bug bites on my legs

Don't you fucking dare win that fight Mary-Kate

Collision Course (1987)
Detective Tony Costas (Jay Leno) and Inspector Fuji (Pat Morita) team up in Detroit to retrieve a top secret car part stolen from Tokyo.

I need to get a copy of this movie. Haha. The trailer is hilarious.

Conor sent me an article about an accident on Big Thunder Mountain Railroad (my favorite ride at Disneyland) last Thursday that shut down the ride indefinitely.

—Less than a year after the tragedy on the Big Thunder Mountain Railroad ride killed a man and injured 10 others, the attraction was the site of yet another accident tonight.

How embarrassing would it be to die riding a Disneyland attraction? Six Flags, I can understand, but Disneyland? That's like dying after being hit by a pedestrian.

I want to see Arby's' anthropomorphic oven mitt fight Hamburger Helper's anthropomorphic glove.

currently annoyed by:
—bobby rivers of the food network
—the best of the howard stern show on the radio
—the sample used in "triple trouble" by the beastie boys
—the weather in los angeles

Taxidermy Without Representation

Every year on October 23 between 6:02 am and 6:02 pm, chemists celebrate the mole, Amadeo Avogadro's contribution to science. A mole (or Avogadro's number) is 6.02 x 1023. Get it?

Freshman year of high school, Dr. Thornburg had everyone in our Chem Honors class make a "punny" mole (as in the animal) for National Mole Day. She handed out photocopied mole patterns to help us get started and later handed out awards for the most creative moles.

I submitted "toilet mole." It was a white stuffed animal with a toilet seat and water tank on its back. I think I lost to "cosmic mole-ing" and "Manute Mole," but that's beside the point.

A "punny" mole pageant in honor of a number. This is what my chemistry teacher considered fun.

From experience, what amuses scientists and doctors usually isn't very amusing.

Last week at work, my boss assigned me a marketing project for the UCLA Health Sciences Store. I expected it to be another medical book sale or medical supply sale.


Giant plush microbes.

Now doctors and med students can give loved ones and friends Mono and Hepatitis. Tee hee. These things are hideous.


I went to Disneyland on Independence Day. I rode Big Thunder Mountain Railroad a bunch of times. I love that ride.

The Coca-Cola place on Main Street sells the best soda fountain Cherry Coke I've ever sipped. Perfectly mixed pop.

I saw a lot of people wearing Old Navy shirts. I didn't know those annual Old Navy famous flag shirts were so popular. Granted, they're only five dollars each, but with that money, you could fill up a family of four with Taco Bell's new Big Bell Value Menu.

And for a dollar more, you could give them The Plague!


Set the bullshit to warp factor one

Lately, whenever I leave my computer on overnight, I'll wake up, turn on the monitor and see Winamp opened with "The Brouhaha" by the Beastie Boys queued in the playlist and the volume at 100%.

The first time this happened, I thought maybe a partially deaf guy had snuck into my room while I was sleeping to listen to "The Brouhaha," but that scenario didn't make sense. I mean, why would anyone want to listen to "The Brouhaha"?

Adam Robot thinks it might be spyware. I haven't checked yet, but if it is, it's some strange spyware.

—when tony and jord were in your apartment, they installed an alarm clock plugin into winamp because they didn't trust their cellphone alarms
—that's all it is

Okay. I can stop freaking out now.