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I awoke early Sunday morning and saw what appeared to be my father standing completely naked in my room.

I didn't have my glasses on, so I wasn't sure I saw what I thought I saw, but I had sudden flashbacks to my childhood.

Kidding.

I'm sorry. Child molestation is no laughing matter.

[pause]

Again, kidding.

***

Sophomore year of college, I awoke early one morning and saw what appeared to be my roommate sleeping on his bed with a giant erection protruding from the flyhole of his boxers.

I didn't have my glasses on, so I wasn't sure I saw what I thought I saw.

Sometimes, I'm glad I have poor vision.

***

Half my buddy list lives or used to live in the Detroit area.

By now, most of them (as well as some non-Michiganders) have messaged me to gloat about the Pistons.Look, you fuckers, I'm not from Los Angeles and I only follow college basketball. The Lakers mean less to me than my sister.

Hey ABC, I'm lovin' all the reaction shots of Karl Malone.

***

Ding dong!

I opened the front door and saw a teenage boy who looked like Vinnie from Doogie Howser, M.D. standing there holding a stack of books.

He asked if I liked to cook and handed me a cookbook. As I perused it, he told me all about why I should buy the book.

I told him I don't cook and handed the book back to him and he immediately asked if I liked to read and handed me a book about American history and told me all about why I should buy the book.

I told him I don't like historical reading and handed the book back to him and he immediately handed me a book about religion and told me all about why I should buy the book.

This kid had a stack of like 12 books.

I handed the religion book back to him and told him I didn't feel like buying any books today and he immediately pulled out a "little book" (not a zine, not quite a magazine) about Christianity and told me all about why I should buy the little book.

At this point, I gave him $5 to get him off my doorstep. He wanted me to have the little book but I told him to keep it.

I remember the good ol' days when I could just say "my parents aren't here" and make solicitors leave.

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