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I was walking to Ralphs when I saw a little orange thing fly past me.

I turned around and saw a bottle cap on the ground that apparently belonged to a bottle of juice that this Jewish princess walking in front of me was holding.

What the hell, I thought.

As I stood behind this cunt at the next crosswalk waiting for the light to change, I desperately wanted to hurt her.

Instead, she crossed the street while I walked back, picked up the bottle cap and threw it away in the nearest trash can.

Middle and grade school students nowadays reportedly play a game called "Snap." Girls wear different-colored jelly bracelets and guys attempt to snap the bracelets off. Break someone's bracelet and you receive a sexual reward corresponding to the color of the broken bracelet.

Here's how the color-coding breaks down:
black: sexual intercourse
blue: blow job (alternate meaning: lap dance)
green: cunnilingus (alternate meaning: outdoor sex, hug)
clear: whatever you want (alternate meaning: hug)
orange: kiss
yellow: hug (alternate meaning: analingus)
red: lap dance (alternate meaning: french kiss, oral sex)
purple: anal sex (alternate meaning: holding hands, doggy style)
silver: fisting
white: titty flash (alternate meaning: gay kiss, french kiss)
pink: flashing
gold glitter: make out
brown: toss salad, i.e. analingus
glow-in-the-dark: use sex toys, e.g. vibrators, dildos, etc.

I fantasize a lot about shooting people who irritate me. Unfortunately, in real life, juries rarely acquit for homicide, let alone multiple homicide, so I've devised a non-fatal game to resolve my anger:

Everyone in the world wears different-colored jelly bracelets. If someone pisses me off and I manage to snap one of their bracelets, then he or she must let me hurt them in a manner corresponding to the color of the broken bracelet.

Here's how the color-coding breaks down:
black: eye gouge
blue: choking
green: ear biting
clear: sonny corleone street fight special
orange: throat chop
yellow: face slap
red: knee to the stomach
purple: backbreaker
silver: anonymously call you a "faggot" in the comments section of your xanga
white: punch in the nose
pink: kick in the crotch
gold glitter: close-range uppercut
brown: unprotected piledriver
glow-in-the-dark: use sex toys, e.g. vibrators, dildos, etc.

I call it "Smap."

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