May 2004 • Adam Riff™

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I went to see The Day After Tomorrow with Rory. Before the movie, I had to pee. As I was about to enter the men's restroom, a woman stopped me and asked if I would tape a flyer above a urinal for her. I didn't…

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on 31 May 04 25 Aug 10

Bor: what's gonna be hilarious is when john kerry is elected, and he walks up to the podium for his acceptance speech and the first words out of his mouth are "ahahahaha…you guys are so fucked…buy heinz!"

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on 30 May 04 25 Aug 10

I saw The Day After Tomorrow the day before yesterday. —I'm using my body heat to keep you warm! In elementary school, we watched this miniseries The Voyage of the Mimi. In one episode, the old captain of the ship gets hypothermia and in order…

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on 29 May 04 25 Aug 10

I was walking to Ralphs when I saw a little orange thing fly past me. I turned around and saw a bottle cap on the ground that apparently belonged to a bottle of juice that this Jewish princess walking in front of me was holding….

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on 28 May 04 25 Aug 10

—I know it's the cynic and the WWE fan in me, but for some reason, I really hope the following happens at the Democratic National Convention this summer: Kerry gets up on the last night, about to start his speech accepting the nomination, when suddenly…

Please, Aaron, are you for real?

on 22 May 04 30 Jul 10

I was walking home one night and I ran into a group of people standing outside Jerry's Famous Deli all looking at the Kinko's across the street. I turned my head and saw a tall black man standing in front of the counter at Kinko's….

Ten films I can't wait to see

on 21 May 04 30 Jul 10

(selected from the line-ups of the Tribeca Film Festival, the Seattle International Film Festival and the Los Angeles Film Festival) Freeze Frame Ireland, 2004 Acquitted murder suspect Sean Veil videotapes himself around the clock to provide an alibi in case he's ever accused of another…

Why was her vagina and anus completely shaved? How many teenagers have a shaved vagina and anus? I don't know, but I can think of a reason. Sex! She's a sexual person!

on 20 May 04 30 Jul 10

Last week, Adam Robot sent me an article from the O.C. Weekly. I read it to Jon, Jord, Jon Wilcox and Warp Pipe Chad. We had a good laugh over it. Chad then made a crude but funny comment about a pool cue that soon…

Does this suck weenie or what?

on 20 May 04 25 Aug 10

I have no clue where my high school diploma is. I don't think I even received it. I didn't participate in any graduation festivities in high school because I was kind of suspended indefinitely at the time. And now this: —Now that Arnold Schwarzenegger is…

When your daughter is infected, I'm going to make you watch her die!

on 19 May 04 30 Jul 10

Young Republican Mark turned me on to 24 this season. The day 3: 6:00 am – 7:00 am episode is probably the best hour of network television I've seen this season. Unfortunately, a Bush press conference bumped the episode to Sunday, where it received the…