I went to see The Day After Tomorrow with Rory.

Before the movie, I had to pee. As I was about to enter the men's restroom, a woman stopped me and asked if I would tape a flyer above a urinal for her.

I didn't want to be rude, so I said yes.

She handed me a flyer and scotch tape and then another flyer.

—While you're at it, could you tape two?

The flyer says that President Bush "stands in the way of real progress toward stopping global warming" and was designed by MoveOn.org, whose website claims The Day After Tomorrow is "the movie the White House doesn't want you to see."

You know why they don't want you to see it? Because it's not very good.

I mean…wolves? Fucking wolves?

Inside the restroom, I found an open urinal, taped a flyer up and peed while informing myself about global warming.

I didn't tape up the second flyer. After I finished peeing, I hurried out of the restroom. With an anti-Bush flyer already taped to a wall, I didn't want to be in that busy restroom holding another anti-Bush flyer and tape any longer than I had to. I didn't want anyone to think I was some impassioned leftist.

Yes, Bush is a fool for de-prioritizing global warming, but MoveOn.org's Day After Tomorrow flyering is equally foolish. I don't think you can impose environmental or political activism on people, especially in a restroom. Ultimately, the desire to care about anything is self-motivated.


I saw The Day After Tomorrow the day before yesterday.

—I'm using my body heat to keep you warm!

In elementary school, we watched this miniseries The Voyage of the Mimi. In one episode, the old captain of the ship gets hypothermia and in order to save him, he and another man get in a sleeping bag together naked.

Hypothermia, why are you so hilarious?


I was walking to Ralphs when I saw a little orange thing fly past me.

I turned around and saw a bottle cap on the ground that apparently belonged to a bottle of juice that this Jewish princess walking in front of me was holding.

What the hell, I thought.

As I stood behind this cunt at the next crosswalk waiting for the light to change, I desperately wanted to hurt her.

Instead, she crossed the street while I walked back, picked up the bottle cap and threw it away in the nearest trash can.

Middle and grade school students nowadays reportedly play a game called "Snap." Girls wear different-colored jelly bracelets and guys attempt to snap the bracelets off. Break someone's bracelet and you receive a sexual reward corresponding to the color of the broken bracelet.

Here's how the color-coding breaks down:
black: sexual intercourse
blue: blow job (alternate meaning: lap dance)
green: cunnilingus (alternate meaning: outdoor sex, hug)
clear: whatever you want (alternate meaning: hug)
orange: kiss
yellow: hug (alternate meaning: analingus)
red: lap dance (alternate meaning: french kiss, oral sex)
purple: anal sex (alternate meaning: holding hands, doggy style)
silver: fisting
white: titty flash (alternate meaning: gay kiss, french kiss)
pink: flashing
gold glitter: make out
brown: toss salad, i.e. analingus
glow-in-the-dark: use sex toys, e.g. vibrators, dildos, etc.

I fantasize a lot about shooting people who irritate me. Unfortunately, in real life, juries rarely acquit for homicide, let alone multiple homicide, so I've devised a non-fatal game to resolve my anger:

Everyone in the world wears different-colored jelly bracelets. If someone pisses me off and I manage to snap one of their bracelets, then he or she must let me hurt them in a manner corresponding to the color of the broken bracelet.

Here's how the color-coding breaks down:
black: eye gouge
blue: choking
green: ear biting
clear: sonny corleone street fight special
orange: throat chop
yellow: face slap
red: knee to the stomach
purple: backbreaker
silver: anonymously call you a "faggot" in the comments section of your xanga
white: punch in the nose
pink: kick in the crotch
gold glitter: close-range uppercut
brown: unprotected piledriver
glow-in-the-dark: use sex toys, e.g. vibrators, dildos, etc.

I call it "Smap."


I know it's the cynic and the WWE fan in me, but for some reason, I really hope the following happens at the Democratic National Convention this summer: Kerry gets up on the last night, about to start his speech accepting the nomination, when suddenly the lights go out in the arena. On the large video screens, images of flags waving in amber fields of grain are shown over a pulsing rock beat. Suddenly, the name "MCCAIN" appears over the flag. The lights come on, and unbelievably, McCain's onstage. He completely clocks Kerry with a steel chair and accepts the nomination. McCain turning face and leaving the Republican Party? Political gold.

Please, Aaron, are you for real?

I was walking home one night and I ran into a group of people standing outside Jerry's Famous Deli all looking at the Kinko's across the street. I turned my head and saw a tall black man standing in front of the counter at Kinko's. My immediate reaction was —Oh snap! He's robbing the place!

Turns out it was Shaquille O'Neal getting something copied.

Ten films I can't wait to see

(selected from the line-ups of the Tribeca Film Festival, the Seattle International Film Festival and the Los Angeles Film Festival)

Freeze Frame
Ireland, 2004

Acquitted murder suspect Sean Veil videotapes himself around the clock to provide an alibi in case he's ever accused of another crime. When the police do come calling, however, the one tape that could prove his innocence has mysteriously disappeared.

Satan's Little Helper
USA, 2004

A naive young boy believes he is living in his favorite video game: Satan's Little Helper. As he assists the dark master on Halloween, he unknowingly helps a serial killer who is dressed up like Satan.

The Green Butchers
Denmark, 2003

At a butcher shop, a fatal accident and a meat shortage lead to the addition of "chickie-wickie" (human meat) to the meat counter. After filleting his fiancée, the butcher wonders whether he's gone too far.

Haute Tension
France, 2003

After Marie accompanies Alex to his family's remote country house, a murderous trucker intrudes. A gruesome battle over Alex, for whom Marie and the killer both lust after, ensues.

The Man of the Year
Brazil, 2003

Maiquel kills a local criminal, earning his neighbors' respect and launching his life as an assassin. What follows is a study of the interchangeability of violence and status in Rio de Janeiro as one man attempts to alter his fate.

USA, 2004

While working on an independent project in their garage, two engineers accidentally discover a way to travel back in time. First they use their machine for experimentation, then small financial gains. Soon they find themselves plagued by larger moral questions.

A Problem with Fear
Canada, 2003

Subways, elevators and revolving doors are modern conveniences that can kill but usually don't. In the near-future world of phobic-extraordinaire Laurie, they do. Is he the cause, or is the sinister Global Safety Inc. behind the wave of fear gripping the city?

After the Apocalypse
USA, 2004

In the near future, in an unnamed land, five survivors of a devastating Third World War come together in a struggle for survival. Left mute by poisonous gases, the four men and one woman are capable of uttering only the most basic sounds. The film replaces dialogue with music and composed sound effects.

Bad Meat
USA, 2004

Buddy and Earl kidnap a corrupt U.S. Congressman for ransom, but the Congressman ends up dead, and his body in a meat-packing plant, accidentally chopped up, turned into bologna, and sent out to market. Unless they round up all the bad meat and somehow get the Congressman's body back to his family for a proper funeral, Buddy could lose his freedom and Earl the girl of his dreams. From Scott Dikkers and Michael Hirsch, two of the minds behind The Onion.

A Taste of Murder
France, 2003

In 1958 Paris, a serial killer pays a hack novelist to chronicle and immortalize his predatory exploits. Combining existential philosophy with a sense of the absurd, the film posits that murder may be the greatest literary accomplishment of them all.

Why was her vagina and anus completely shaved? How many teenagers have a shaved vagina and anus? I don't know, but I can think of a reason. Sex! She's a sexual person!

Last week, Adam Robot sent me an article from the O.C. Weekly.

I read it to Jon, Jord, Jon Wilcox and Warp Pipe Chad. We had a good laugh over it. Chad then made a crude but funny comment about a pool cue that soon became a recurring joke among us.

Welcome to the O.C., bitch! This is how it's done in Orange County!

Does this suck weenie or what?

I have no clue where my high school diploma is.

I don't think I even received it.

I didn't participate in any graduation festivities in high school because I was kind of suspended indefinitely at the time.

And now this:

—Now that Arnold Schwarzenegger is governor, his name appears on every degree awarded by the state of California's two largest university systems.

—His signature will appear on the diplomas of the 125,000 students who graduate this year from the nine-campus University of California system and the 23-campus California State University system.

I'm not sure if it's cool or embarrassing that my undergraduate degree will be validated by Major Dutch Schaeffer from Predator.

I wonder what University of Minnesota graduates between 1998-2002 thought about Blain validating their diplomas.

Carl Weathers should run for governor of Washington, Illinois, New York or Massachusetts so I can have a master's degree that compliments my B.A.

When your daughter is infected, I'm going to make you watch her die!

Young Republican Mark turned me on to 24 this season.

The day 3: 6:00 am – 7:00 am episode is probably the best hour of network television I've seen this season.

Unfortunately, a Bush press conference bumped the episode to Sunday, where it received the show's lowest ratings ever.

I know it's a little late for ranting (the season finale is next week), but I'm pissed at Fox for giving away too much in the 24 promos that air about 10 minutes before each new episode. The 24 teasers at the end of each episode reveal far less and are just as effective.

Last week, the pre-show 24 promo showed Michelle with a bloody nose. What could have been a surprise instead made me think —Oh, so that's how she escapes from Saunders.

At the end of last night's pre-show 24 promo, the voice-over man said —Two of these people won't survive the hour! over a montage of faces (Jack, Sherry, Stephen, Jane, David, Julia, Tony). Then, Wayne screams —Nooo! which in turn made me scream —Goddammit!

It was so obvious that Sherry was going to bite the dust.I hate when networks spoil surprises.

I remember the producer of ER refused to give NBC Julianna Margulies' last episode until its broadcast date and NBC still managed to dick him over by rushing out a promo about how the episode featured —a surprise appearance by a very special person.

Network television shows are not movies. I don't have to pay for network television. Networks don't have to impress me with previews. If I enjoy a show, I'll tune in anyway.

In other news, I saw the movie Heat and I must say, Dennis Haysbert cannot and should not play ghetto black characters. His voice and demeanor do not lend themselves well to ebonics. It's just odd.

Morrissey to Play Weeklong Kilborn Gig

Chafboy and I:
—did you know that craig kilborn is a huge smiths fan?
—yeah, haha
—frat boy likes the smiths, and he's not mexican
—conan is a big cure fan
—one time, he let them play two times on one show
—he was SOOO GIDDY
—i'm assuming dave likes foo fighters since he wanted them to play when he came back from surgery
—shit, he even picked the song too
—yeah, foo fighters are dave's favorite band
—i think they flew in from europe just for that performance
—in the mid-90s, dave loved hootie and the blowfish
—i dunno if you remember, but hootie used to be on his show all the time
—i think dave was partially responsible for their success
—i wonder who jay's favorite is
—probably like…the bacon brothers
—no, judging by the amount of appearances
—i'd say blue man group
—we forgot carson daly
—i always thought he liked kid rock
—i think he just said kid rock to be nice, since they were such "good" friends
—ok gotta go, i have court tomorrow
—later junior


I think the high point of every season of Survivor for Jeff Probst is his cheesy entrance into New York City for the live finale.

I'd be thrilled to stand on the legs of a helicopter in mid-air if my regular job required me to sit for hours in oppressive heat overseeing endurance test immunity challenges.

Reality show hosts must get so bored during endurance challenges.

Dave Mirra could be out riding a bike, but instead he's watching drama queens use treadmills and hold candles with their arms extended.

My favorite Jeff Probst Survivor finale entrance was when he jet-skiied into the city with the urn holding the votes on board.


My Mother: Hello?
Me: Happy Mother's Day!
My Mother: Heh. What do you need?
Me: $500.
My Mother: [away from the receiver] Peter, Jon needs $500!
[fuzzy dialogue]
My Mother: Dad says it'll be in your savings account tomorrow.
Me: Sweetness.
My Mother: Oh by the way, Betsy wants you to be a driver for her wedding.
Me: Okay.
My Mother: Great. Anything else?
Me: No.
My Mother: Take care of yourself.
Me: Will do. Bye.

Total elapsed time: 22 seconds.


I caught an episode of Iron Chef America.

I didn't like the person Food Network picked to replace Chairman Kaga. He looked like a yakuza — young Asian dude with a buzz cut in a black suit with an Agent Smith earpiece. It was awkward seeing him bite into a bell pepper.

Rory later told me that the new Chairman is Mark Dacascos, who played Mani in Brotherhood of the Wolf. That would explain why in the introduction of the show, the Chairman said —When I'm not practicing martial arts, I oversee cooking contests.

During the judgment round, Food Network dubbed over Iron Chef Morimoto even though he was speaking English, albeit accented English. Morimoto would say something in English and then another man with less of a Japanese accent would repeat exactly what he just said.

You didn't need any dubbing to understand what Morimoto was saying, however. He wasn't exactly Brad Pitt in Snatch.

My question is: When challenger Wolfgang Puck discussed his dishes, why didn't Food Network dub over him? He has a moderately intelligible accent too.

Fuckin' racists.


—Oscar winner Denzel Washington stars as a man on fire.
from a commercial for a television broadcast of Remember the Titans

Friday night on ABC, five couples competed for a teenager's unborn child and Nightline consisted entirely of Ted Koppel reading the names of all the servicemen and women who have died serving in Iraq.

Before all that, however, ABC aired a first-run episode of George Lopez which I think crossed the line more than anything else on ABC Friday night.

I tuned in about halfway through and paid moderate attention.

In the episode, George and his family go to Disneyland, which immediately made me suspicious, because Disney owns ABC.

While George debated whether or not to go to Disneyland with his mother, I noticed a Mickey Mouse head silhouette (a black circle with two smaller black circles for ears) on one of the dining room walls in the background.

—Odd, I thought.

Then I noticed how the characters kept mentioning the "new Tower of Terror ride" at Disneyland, which, in fact, opens at Disney's California Adventure on May 5.

George's family later rides the Tower of Terror ride.

During the end credits, I saw text on the screen that read —Write down the number of Mickeys.

I did some research and apparently, Friday night's episode was part of a Great Mouse Hunt contest.

—While watching, keep track of the hidden Mickeys that you spot. There are between 50 to 150 hidden throughout the episode.

—One lucky grand prize winner will receive a family vacation for four to the Disneyland Resort, where you will drop in to the "Twilight Zone Tower of Terror", plus you'll get $10,000 cash!

A few weeks ago, when Around the Horn and Pardon the Interruption on Disney-owned ESPN chose The Bachelor as a debate topic on the day of its season premiere on ABC, I let it go, because the "bachelor" this time around is a football player for the Giants, and that's sports-related.

But this…

Disney used a sitcom it produces for its own broadcast television network to shill a new ride at one of its theme parks while sneakily embedding its brand logo in viewers' heads.

Michael Eisner, have you no shame?

At least Fox doesn't try to pass off American Idol as art.