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My stomach began aching a few minutes before we arrived at the rest stop.

Maybe I shouldn't have eaten at that restaurant where you deep fry your own food at your table, I thought.

The rest stop was gigantic. It had its own shopping center.

Maybe I shouldn't have eaten that chicken egg ice cream before lunch either.

I developed an ice cream fixation in Japan. Purple sweet potato, cherry blossom, wasabi — I tried all the foreign flavors I encountered. The chicken egg ice cream tasted like cake frosting. It was like eating a cone full of frosting.

Rory and I were on our way to the airport. The bus driver told everyone to be back on the bus in 15 minutes.

I hurried off to the men's room and found that all the stalls had traditional yellow-man toilets, which, if you don't know, are holes in the ground that flush.

Fuck it, I thought.

I dropped trou, squatted and began dispensing intestinal soft serve.

When you squat, your asshole is very close to your ankles. Fearful that my poop would get on my pants and shoes, I switched to a chair squat (pretending to sit down in a chair) and maintained the position by bracing the walls of the stall with my arms.

Nice to see that solicitations for blow jobs are prevalent in Japanese public restrooms as well.

A minute or two later, I needed to pee, so I starting peeing. I forgot that I wasn't using a Western toilet and peed all over the tile floor before frantically trying to redirect the stream with my right hand and then just clamping my dick to my taint with it pointed in the opposite direction, which resulted in me peeing on my hand, taint and scrotum before the pee trickled down into the concave porcelain receptacle underneath me.

Once my bladder pooped out, I checked my watch. Five minutes left. My stomach hurt, my thighs burned, my pee was everywhere, and the poop parade continued to march. I needed to wrap it up. I still had to clean up my acidic mess. I forced closure of my anus during the next reprieve in abdominal discomfort and reached for some toilet paper.

It's hard to wipe (front to back, at least) in a squatting position, especially with short arms. I couldn't do it chair squatting, nor regular squatting.

I stood up and manually spread my ass cheeks with my left hand, but my right hand didn't extend down far enough to wipe. Sure, I could wipe just standing up, but I run a clean ass. I require full exposure before I wipe. Nothing I tried managed to provide it, until I stood on one leg and lifted my other leg up in the air, like a dog peeing.

I faltered, however, when I went to wipe and slipped — on my own pee — and fell.

I landed on my upper right back/right side, pants around my ankles. Amidst all the pain, I smelled something.

No, I thought. No no no no no…I looked at my watch. One minute left.

I read somewhere that yellow-man toilets are more sanitary than Western toilets because there is no contact between ass and toilet.

Well, that's partly true.

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