I opened the school newspaper today to see this full page ad.

In the same paper, I also saw this ad.

Congratulations, America, you've successfully made a mockery of dieting.

I mean, what the hell is this? This is not a Whopper! This looks like what a homeless person might find on a good day. At least Carl's Jr. and In-N-Out's low carb burgers look like burgers. With no buns or structure, I might as well eat a steak.

Taco Bell can get away with selling taco ingredients in a bowl because there is still a grain base (rice) to soften the flavor.

The commercial for these low carb Whoppers is pretty ridiculous too, panning through a series of mouth-watering burger innards.

Also in the works are low carb Skippy peanut butter and low carb Ragu spaghetti sauce, products which are usually enjoyed on bread and pasta, respectively.


Sour cream and silicone sealant are both white substances that can be applied with a caulking gun, which makes them perfect candidates for this party game: One girl sits with the tip of a caulking gun loaded with sour cream stuck in her vagina, another with a gun loaded with silicone sealant — nobody at the party knows which gun is loaded with which. The two girls each inject a glob of their mystery substance into their vaginas. Then, two guys must perform cunnilingus on them and act like it's yummy, even though one player has the taste of caulk in his mouth. The rest of the party has to guess who got stuck with the sealant.


The New York Times reports that a multiplex in Dallas plans to reserve all 20 of its screens for The Passion of Christ, Mel Gibson's controversial interpretation of The Passion, due out February 25 (Ash Wednesday).

The Cinemark Tinseltown will also screen the film on opening day at 6:30, 7:30 and 8:30 in the morning.

Bob Berney, president of Newmarket, the film's distributor, told the Times that theatres have been inundated with ticket requests.

—People call and say, "I want 10,000 tickets."

This movie is like Star Wars for Christians.


Excerpts from the early spring 2004 SkyMall catalogue:

Where do I begin?

How can the software company equate Bush's address after September 11 with the Constitution of the United States?

—It is my hope that in the months and years ahead, life will return almost to normal. We'll go back to our lives and routines, and that is good.

One of America's greatest speeches, ladies and gentlemen.

Whose initials could those be?


The following is a partial transcript of the January 15 episode of The Abrams Report on MSNBC:

ABRAMS: Welcome back. Here for you another sterling example of the criminal mind at work. When Spokane, Washington Police caught Donnell Winston after a bank was held up, they say he told them he needed the money to pay off a drug debt. He was charged with first-degree robbery, but when he got to court, it seems his defense strategy changed a little bit. He tried to get out of the bank robbery charge by admitting instead, that he's a drug dealer and even when the judge warned him to be quiet, he, well he just couldn't.


DONNELL WINSTON, SELF-PROCLAIMED DRUG DEALER: First of all, where are you getting all this information from about me walking into the bank and getting something else for a drug and I'm a drug dealer, not a bank robber. I'm the one with the drugs! He was the one that robbed them, my co-defendant. I'm sitting out in the car waiting for him. He jumps in my car.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Mr. Winston, one of the rights that I advised is your right to remain silent because anything you say…

WINSTON: Yes, but y'all got the wrong information. Y'all got wrong information. Y'all said I walked in the bank. I'm on camera sitting in my car.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: OK. I'm advising you, I'm talking to you about making any statements, sir. Anything you say…

WINSTON: But I'm telling you—I heard what you said about anything that I say can be used against me in court, man. I heard. I heard you loud and clear on that. But y'all talking about I walked in the bank and I'm using the money—I want the money because I need to pay off a drug debt. I'm the fucking drug dealer!



—Bush administration officials are planning an election-year initiative to promote marriage, especially among low-income couples, the New York Times reported on Wednesday.

More poor people with kids. Yeah, that's exactly what we need.


—President Bush unveiled a plan Wednesday to send astronauts to the moon. Bush said the moon could be the launching pad for "human missions to Mars and to worlds beyond." He said his goal was to "extend a human presence across our solar system."

Just like on Star Trek!

In the face of budget deficits of about $500 billion and crippled education and health care programs across the country, the President wants to promote marriage and send people to the moon.

Four more years…

initiative to promote marriage

—The plan would provide at least $1.5 billion for training to help couples develop interpersonal skills (i.e. heterosexual behavior) that sustain "healthy marriages."

—According to the Times, the officials said they believed the measure was timely because they were facing pressure from conservatives eager to see the federal government defend traditional marriage, after the highest court in Massachusetts ruled in November that gay couples had a right to marry.

Are we supposed to fret that gay couples marrying will ruin the sanctity of marriage? The divorce rate in this country is somewhere around 50 percent. We didn't need gay people to fuck that up.

If anything, Bush should promote not rushing into marriage.

man on the moon

—The administration outlined a piecemeal program that had no overall price, although a chart released by NASA suggested it could add up to as much as $170 billion.

I think people tend to confuse Hollywood outer space with real outer space. Mars…isn't that exciting. Even if we do manage to send astronauts deep into space, by the time they return to Earth (if they return at all), everyone from our time will be dead already.

the most ridiculous item of the day
$62.6 billion for Operation Iraqi Freedom
$87.5 billion for military operations and aid in Iraq and Afghanistan
$1.5 billion to promote marriage
$170 billion to return to the moon

Meanwhile, after rising 40 percent last year, my tuition is set to increase another 10 percent.


Matt comments on the baby names piece:

—i'm a big fan of calling [black people] on making names up

—i had a cashier named Aphrodesia

—my sister knew a guy named Ty'Juan. pronounced taiwan.

—man, what are some good ones i've heard. oh, hahaha, my mom works in a hospital. one stupid black lady thought that the hospital named her daughter for her. all they did was designate her "female," she thought it was a name pronounced like fa-MAH-lee

—haha. a guy on tony's floor. LaChance

—black twins always have names that rhyme
—oh shit, this is the worst one in the world. i wouldn't believe it if my mom didn't actually see it
—twin boys named orangejello and lemonjello
—are you serious?
—black twins?
—yep. yeah, they were black. but they pronounced the words all funny.
—yeah, accent on the ron
—it's fucking ridiculous


At work, my boss assigned me the job of designing a poster for a new pomegranate-based smoothie to be sold at our campus smoothie outlet.

The name of the smoothie is "Pom Power."

I came up with the idea of a raised fist crushing a pomegranate with juice dripping down the forearm and demonstrated it to my boss with my right arm.

He liked my idea and proposed that my raised fist be the one on the poster.

—You should be the model. You have a strong-looking forearm.


Apparently, my right forearm looks strong.


Me and my stupid ideas…

—god, I hate them


When I want Michigan to lose, they win, and when I want them to win, they lose.

Fuckin' Wolverines…

Hey, how 'bout that Rose Bowl?

I find myself cheering for losers a lot. The past three months have been particularly frustrating and miserable (see: Giants, Red Sox, Bruins, Buckeyes, Wolverines).

At least the college football season is over and I won't have to hear SHIT about how great USC's basketball team is.

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