December 2003 • Adam Riff™

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I have seen 99 movies in a theatre this year, theatre hopping only once (Elf). This will probably be number 100. After that, the drought begins. January is always the sorriest month of the year for cinema, and with Kill Bill: Vol. 2 possibly bumped…

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on 29 Dec 03 03 Sep 10

I'd like to thank terrorists for not letting me pee at subway stations —due to heightened security concerns. Do cable networks intend to mass rerun all of Jerry Bruckheimer's movies from the 90s this winter break? *** —does your buddy list randomly play movie trailers?…

funkyfresh relapse: 2004

on 27 Dec 03 25 Aug 10

Filmmakers: Low-angle shots of treetops with infiltrating sunlight are not as profound as you think. Actual television commercial voice-over: —Metal detecting is one of America's fastest-growing hobbies. Another actual television commercial voice-over: Project Gotham Racing 2 exclusively for the XBox is —the best racing game…

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on 26 Dec 03 25 Aug 10

In 1997, I attended a benefit concert for a school for retarded children. During the Smashing Pumpkins' set, Billy Corgan brought out surprise guest Marilyn Manson and together they performed Manson's "The Beautiful People" while these retarded kids behind them on stage sat there unsure…

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on 25 Dec 03 03 Sep 10

Jon, what did you get for Christmas this year? A NEW CAR!!!!!!!!!! Rod Roddy. Never forget. No seriously, what did you get? A fourth single from Audioslave's debut album. Please, guys, spare us any more of your shitty music. The first three singles didn't exactly…

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on 19 Dec 03 03 Sep 10

—Billy Barf, whose acquaintance with anything Italian was limited to the deuteragonist of Donkey Kong and a few canned-pasta commercials, insisted on speaking with his imperfect idea of an ethnic accent until Isaiah Two Four, detecting not only its inauthenticity but also its potential for…