I have seen 99 movies in a theatre this year, theatre hopping only once (Elf).

This will probably be number 100.

After that, the drought begins. January is always the sorriest month of the year for cinema, and with Kill Bill: Vol. 2 possibly bumped to April, February doesn't look too hot either.

What ever shall I do?

01.07 — 21 Grams @ Egyptian
Benicio Del Toro, Naomi Watts and the director in person

01.12 — Cradle Will Rock @ Egyptian
Tim Robbins in person

01.17 — Vertigo @ Egyptian
Kim Novak in person

01.20 — Terminator 2: Judgment Day @ Arclight
James Cameron in person

01.30 — Clerks @ Nuart
Kevin Smith in person


How many times will Lance Armstrong be "athlete/sportsman of the year"? It was appropriate after he recovered from cancer, but enough already. No one really cares about the Tour de France.

Being Lance Armstrong : "athlete/sportsman of the year" :: playing a retarded character : Oscar nomination

EXITsilicon valley bowl (sigh)


I'd like to thank terrorists for not letting me pee at subway stations —due to heightened security concerns.

Do cable networks intend to mass rerun all of Jerry Bruckheimer's movies from the 90s this winter break?


—does your buddy list randomly play movie trailers?
—i hate that
—i have dead aim
—so i dont have the ad bar
—sound comes out the speaker and i scare the fuck out of myself
—i only figured out it was aim like yesterday

Flash ads are still more annoying, but at least they don't ambush you.


Rancid's latest single is "Time Bomb" with different lyrics.

In the produce section of the local 99 Ranch (Asian) Market, the Asian green vegetables (bok choy etc.) are separately wrapped in plastic because the market had a problem with discriminating customers molesting them.

EXIThouse of leaves by mark z. danielewski

funkyfresh relapse: 2004

Filmmakers: Low-angle shots of treetops with infiltrating sunlight are not as profound as you think.

Actual television commercial voice-over:
—Metal detecting is one of America's fastest-growing hobbies.

Another actual television commercial voice-over:
Project Gotham Racing 2 exclusively for the XBox is —the best racing game on any system says XBox Magazine.

I don't think Brian Robbins should be allowed to make movies. That he starred on Head of the Class is enough to discredit him as an entertainer, but look at his filmography: Good Burger, Ready to Rumble, Summer Catch, Radio and that upcoming movie about teenagers who steal the answers to the SAT.

Ha ha. Asian stoner. Hi-fuckin'-larious.

EXITucla vs. michigan basketball


In 1997, I attended a benefit concert for a school for retarded children. During the Smashing Pumpkins' set, Billy Corgan brought out surprise guest Marilyn Manson and together they performed Manson's "The Beautiful People" while these retarded kids behind them on stage sat there unsure how to react.

The same amusement befell me watching that fat Belgian dude with long hair sing Nirvana's "Lithium" on World Idol.

And what about that Brit who sang a Muzak version of The Doors' "Light My Fire"? Was Ray Manzarek behind that?

EXIThouse of sand and fog


Jon, what did you get for Christmas this year?

A NEW CAR!!!!!!!!!!

Rod Roddy. Never forget.

No seriously, what did you get?

A fourth single from Audioslave's debut album.

Please, guys, spare us any more of your shitty music. The first three singles didn't exactly sweep the nation.


Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you, for you
Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you


Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you

Yeah I'd spill my heart!!!!!!
Yeah I'd spill my heart for you!!!!!!!


Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
Until the day I die!!!!!!!!

<3 emo.


What else did you get for Christmas?

A Chocolate Factory.

—The fun, easy way to turn ordinary desserts into extraordinary!

I can attest to that.

Add a bag of Lay's Cool Guacamole chips for an olive green color.

EXIThouse of leaves by mark z. danielewski


—Billy Barf, whose acquaintance with anything Italian was limited to the deuteragonist of Donkey Kong and a few canned-pasta commercials, insisted on speaking with his imperfect idea of an ethnic accent until Isaiah Two Four, detecting not only its inauthenticity but also its potential for insult, drew the young band eponym aside for a word or two, though Ralph Jr., who had talked Californian all his life, had only taken it for some kind of speech impediment (Pynchon, Vineland 95).


My mother called me.

—When you come home for the holidays, don't bring any red or green clothes.


Dave Harris once asked me what my parents did for a living. I told him my father was an insurance salesman and my mother was a ceramics student at a local community college.

—Does your mom smoke a lot of pot? he replied.


I don't want to suggest that my mother's crazy, but I have a marble attached to the antenna of my cell phone to —prevent the radiation emitted by the phone from warping my brain.


I got an A+ in Chinese 1A fall quarter. I didn't think it was possible to get an A+ in college. I assumed it was a grade exclusive to elementary school.



I can't watch The Simple Life anymore. The show is just not funny. In fact, it infuriates me. Paris and Nicole don't take anything seriously. I genuinely want to kill them. I want to beat respect into them with a bat and then teach them responsibility with a chainsaw and wood chipper.

These girls' parents should be ashamed of themselves for not properly raising their daughters. No, they should be forced to eat their children once I'm through with them, clean up the mess they created.


What, exactly, is the point of rich girls?

Girls who are born into wealth never seem to have anything worthwhile to contribute to society. All they do is groom themselves, spend money and party…for their entire life.

In science, an organism that depends on something else for existence or support without making a useful or adequate return is called a parasite. And what do we usually do to parasites? We get rid of them.


On Wednesday night's episode of The O.C., Kirsten's sister locks Ryan and Seth in the poolhouse from the outside.

Are there actually people who install doors that only lock from the outside?

Also: —do they not have windows that you can open in socal


The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

There were several moments when I thought two hobbits were going to kiss.

I don't understand why anyone would participate in a battle charge. It's such a stupid maneuver, especially if you're in the front. Fuck courage. Fighting from a distance is how smart people do it. I'm throwing rocks before I approach someone.

EXITthe return of the king (2)


Saturday night, I'm attending a screening of Kill Bill: Vol. 1 with Quentin Tarantino in person.

The Egyptian Theatre in Hollywood screens a lot of movies with cast and crew members in person. Last Tuesday, I saw Big Fish there with Tim Burton in person. In January, Clint Eastwood will be there in person for a screening of Mystic River and Kim Novak will be there for a screening of Vertigo.

The only problem with these screenings is that people in Los Angeles ask the stupidest questions.

Someone will always inevitably ask
—What advice would you give to an aspiring filmmaker/actor/actress like me?
to which the guest(s) will reply with some motivational bullshit like
—Never give up. You can do anything you set your mind to.


Last year, I attended a screening of Catch Me If You Can at the Egyptian with Christopher Walken in person and someone asked him
—Will you dance for us?
to which he replied


I predict that some retard at the Kill Bill screening will ask Tarantino
—In Pulp Fiction, what's inside the briefcase?

No one asked him what was inside the briefcase, but someone said to him
—This is the best movie I've seen in twenty years. I shed tears when [unintelligible]. Will you read my script?


As we were walking out of the theatre, some giddy Asian guy proclaimed to his friends —GOD talked to me!

I hate fanboys.

EXITkill bill: vol. 1


—I'm driving down to Los Angeles tomorrow.
—The Chronicle wants me to cover the Latino boycott down there.
—What Latino boycott?
—You haven't heard about it?

Apparently, there's going to be a Latino boycott in California on Friday.

—Ummm… Why are we boycotting Latinos?


To protest Governor Schwarzenegger's (that still sounds weird to me) repeal of a law that would have allowed illegal immigrants to apply for driver's licenses, many Latino immigrants throughout California will stay home from school and work and stay away from stores on Friday in order to show state leaders the collective economic and social clout of California's growing immigrant population.

In other words, Latino immigrants plan to send a message to the state government by being lazy.

Insert your own racial joke here.


I saw a commercial on one of the many Spanish channels that clog my cable television line-up for a product called Fat Seltzer.

—Fat Seltzer is made up of a mixture of natural ingredients combined to produce a powerful effervescence which removes all the accumulated fat eliminating it thru the urine in our body.

Let me get this straight. This stuff will make my body tingle and then piss fat.

I have a sudden urge to give someone a golden shower.

EXITstuck on you


The finale of Average Joe airs Monday night on NBC after… A Fear Factor Christmas.

If you don't know, Average Joe is a reality show about a "stunning beauty queen" who is courted by 16 average-looking suitors.

Halfway through the series, producers brought in three "HOT" guys to fuck with the suitor pool.

According to the commercial for the finale, the girl will decide between an Average Joe and a "hunk," only there's a twist — the Average Joe is a millionaire.

Doesn't this "twist" defeat the whole selling point of the show? Appearance is supposed to be the variable. The introduction of money turns the show into yet another gold digger experiment.

EXITeight-page paper


I saw a television commercial for special Lord of the Rings Pringles, which offer a chance to "be a character in the next Lord of the Rings game from EA Games."

The next game? After Return of the King?

Uh oh.


Microsoft hired P. Diddy to do voice-overs for its XBox commercials.

This is a person who, in the song "I'll Be Missing You," pronounces "strength" as "stremph" twice in the same sentence.

EXITpress screening of paycheck


Spin magazine says the revival of the year is "women [who] rock the main stage," providing Evanescence, The Distillers, The Donnas and The Yeah Yeah Yeahs as evidence.

I don't know anyone who likes any of those bands though.

Every once in a while, some media outlet will run a piece on "women in rock," praising just about any woman currently popular in music for being strong and whatnot. This is the equivalent of praising a koala with diarrhea. Yes, it's exotic, but that doesn't mean the shit it produces is any good.

I'm all for equal opportunity, but, like wrestling, I think rocking is an activity better left to men.

Case in point: Jimmy Eat World's Bleed American. The chick from That Dog ruins the second half of what is, up until then, a good album.Second case in point: Ani DiFranco.


The Spice Girls sold more records hawking their pre-packaged "girl power" than Evanescence, The Distillers, The Donnas and The Yeah Yeah Yeahs combined ever will.

This year, six-string vixens Liz Phair and Jewel revived their careers by turning to pop music.

A recent Rolling Stone "women in rock" issue featured Mary J. Blige, Missy Elliott and Alicia Keys on the cover, none of whom actually rock.

Let's face it: people prefer women who don't rock.

EXITbrock lesnar vs. chris benoit on smackdown!