jockin' turkey to my dismay

My family had Thanksgiving dinner at another family's house. They also invited other families who, unbeknownst to me, were from their church.

I was about to serve myself food when my father stopped me.

—Jon, wait until they pray.

Wait until they WHAT? I thought.

Mrs. Kang (the hostess) made everyone hold hands.

Christian Asians are so insufferable.


Mrs. Kang introduced me to the girl sitting next to me at my table.

—This is [I forget what her name is]. She's a doctoral student at Stanford.

We had an awkward conversation, with kids at our table quietly listening along.

—Where do you go to school?
—What's your major?
—Oh. That's…unusual…

I think from now on, I'm going to start telling people that I'm majoring in Fuck You.


Mr. Kang (the host) was strangely excited that I turned 21 last month.

—You should drink tonight!
—Have a glass of wine!
—If you don't like white wine, we have red wine!

I don't like wine at all, but I didn't want to be impolite, so I kept telling him that I'd have some later.

As I was serving myself food, Mr. Kang approached me with a glass of red wine.

—Here, drink up!

I took the glass of wine with me to my table with no intention of drinking it. Halfway through eating, I went to exchange the glass of wine for a can of Coke in the kitchen and Mr. Kang walked in. He thought I had gone back for more wine and insisted we drink together.

Shit, I thought.

He grabbed his glass, we clanked ours together and I pretended to enjoy a painful little sip.

—It's good, isn't it?
—Yeah… Very good…
—Here, let me fill up your glass!


Later in the evening, my father walked up to me with a grin on his face and asked —Jon, did you get drunk?

He wasn't being sarcastic.

EXITdriving my car


—Take a look. We put the picture's name on everything. Merchandising! Merchandising!
Yogurt (Mel Brooks) in Spaceballs

—Now available: Survivor: Pearl Islands buffs, the same designs worn by contestants on the show!

Who in their right mind would buy a Survivor: Pearl Islands buff? And who at CBS thought people would want to buy a Survivor: Pearl Islands buff? What good are they once this season ends?

—Yeah, that chair is from the Real World: Boston house. How cool am I?

Merchandising has really grown out of hand in this country.

At work, I'm working on a holiday gift campaign for the UCLA Store. One featured item is a $28 Christmas tree ornament that's basically a diamond-shaped piece of glass three inches on each side with a UCLA logo etched on it. There's also a $21 glass jar with a snowman painted on one side and "University of California Los Angeles" written underneath. Combined, that's $49 (plus tax) worth of glass with UCLA's name on it.


I can see the appeal of UCLA apparel and mugs, but I don't understand why a public school needs to sell its own dog bones, oven mitts and dining sets for toddlers. This kind of creative merchandising is not only unnecessary, but also quite tacky.

Bill O'Reilly's website sells "Spin Stops Here" doormats, and according to O'Reilly, this item frequently sells out. When I look at a "Spin Stops Here" doormat, I think of a bargain bin at Wal-Mart. What, is a plain colored doormat too tasteful? So much, in fact, that you'd rather spend $50 (plus shipping and handling) on a doormat with "The Spin Stops Here!" and "" printed on it in ugly text?

Recently, we received a Buckeye E-Bike at work. The company who makes them wanted Licensing to approve a Bruin E-Bike.

One of the photographers at work assembled the Bike and it turned out to be nothing more than an electric scooter with Ohio State logos plastered all over it. Even the AC adapter has an OSU logo on it.

—Let's see here. To show my school spirit, I can A) buy an Ohio State t-shirt or B) blow $450 (plus shipping and handling) on an OSU-"themed" electric scooter that's impractical, really, for traveling anywhere. Hmmm…

We need to re-establish discretion in this country. There's way too much frivolous merchandise on the market. Retailers: Stop selling shit that you know is stupid. Consumers: Stop buying stupid shit and they'll stop selling it. Enough said.

EXITprint's regional design annual 2003

speak now or forever hold your peace

Unwritten Law plays tonight at the "Beat SC" bonfire on campus. Their biggest song is "Seein' Red."

There's a 48 point spread for the UCLA vs. USC game this Saturday. No one expects UCLA to win. It's fitting that we play USC at the Coliseum.

Still, part of me thinks that UCLA can and will upset USC. No one expected our sucky basketball team to beat top-ranked Arizona in the first round of the Pac-10 play-offs this year, but we did. A win would mean not having to see another senior class graduate winless in football against our cross-town rivals.

But that's not going to happen.

In fact, having been overtaken in the BCS rankings by Ohio State, USC probably wishes UCLA was a better team. Unranked and riding a three-game losing streak, the Bruins do not help the Trojans' strength of schedule. Meanwhile, Ohio State faces Michigan, which is number 9 in the BCS. A loss to UCLA — though unlikely — would eliminate any chance for USC to go to the Sugar Bowl. Even in defeat, however, UCLA could keep USC out of the national championship game.

The fate of USC depends largely on the results of the Ohio State vs. Michigan game. Experts predict Michigan will win. USC certainly wants Michigan to win. Out of spite though, I hope Ohio State wins…by a large margin. I want Ohio State to take USC's place in the Sugar Bowl, even if they probably don't deserve to be there. Any team but USC. Resentful Michigan fans could then watch Oklahoma pummel the Fuckeyes on prime time television. Everybody wins! Well, except USC.

I know Michigan probably doesn't need another sports scandal, but I pray the Wolverines see it in their hearts to throw the centennial rivalry game against Ohio State. There are more important things on the line than the Big Ten title. Do it for Jonny. Please.

EXITvineland by thomas pynchon

cheese and crackers

Someone spray painted "Fuck Fat People" on the exterior of the local Subway.

Speaking of which, Bubba Sparxxx will open for Blink-182 at the Avalon on Monday and Tuesday. In the latest L.A. Weekly, there's an ad for his latest album.

—Bubba will be signing copies of his latest CD "Deliverance" on 11/17 (4:30pm) at Wherehouse Music (Beverly Connection). […] The first 25 people to purchase the CD on 11/17 at Wherehouse Music will eat burritos from Chipoltle [sic] with Bubba Sparxxx!

What a deal.

If record companies seriously want to curtail piracy without resorting to lawsuits, they need to do better than an opportunity to eat Mexican food with a hick rapper.

CDs that unlock "bonus web content" aren't much better.

EXITsurvivor series


At work, my boss assigned me the "Beat SC" campaign for the UCLA Store.

I thought he was kidding at first.

How can they promote such a thing in a rebuilding season? Sure, I want our football team to win against USC, but they couldn't beat lowly Stanford, let alone the number-two-ranked team in the country.

According to Dan Shanoff on, our team's a laugher, a minor bump in the road to the Sugar Bowl.

History is also on USC's side. In my four years at UCLA, our team has never beaten them. Last time the "big game" was played at USC, they humiliated us 27-0.

A co-worker suggested "Beat Us" as an alternative campaign name.

Inspired by the Red Sox's "cowboy up" rallying cry, I told the photographer for the "Beat SC" photo shoot that I wanted the BearWear models sitting atop the Bruin statue in Ackerman Plaza acting like reckless cowboys, maybe waving hats in the air or something.

This is the photo he gave me to work with.

Oi. Where do I begin?

I really hope Oklahoma reams USC.

the goddamn regret

One of my good friends is a reporter for the San Francisco Chronicle, allegedly at 22 the youngest full-time newspaper reporter in the country right now. He might write a piece on Howard Dean for Rolling Stone soon. He recently accepted a job as a reporter for the Style section of the Washington Post. He starts once he graduates from college in June.

Meanwhile, this is what I'm doing with my time:
—rocky III is probably the best sequel
—you are biased cause hulk hogan comes out
—mr. t!
—mr. t!
—mr. t, hulk hogan and eye of the tiger!!! i win

revolution asinine nine nine nine

—I noticed that in The Matrix, when Neo gets caught and sent to the room with Agent Smith, there is a shot of The Architect's screens from The Matrix Reloaded. It shows that there was a lot of planning involved in this trilogy and that they didn't just throw the scripts together.

People in The Matrix must drink PowerAde to re-hydrate after all that dancing.

—Monica, we know you're a busy actress, but could you come in for just one day and sit around showing your tits? We need this shot.

—Everything that has a beginning has an end.
—Some Oracle you are…

—You can't die.
—Yes, I can.
—No, you can't, bitch!
—Fuck you! My body, my choice!

I half-expected a trailer for The Matrix: Resurrection at the end of the credits.