Whenever I'm at Jamba Juice, I like to pretend to be 19th century literary characters when the person taking my order asks for a name.

—How do you spell that?
—Hold up. L-O-R-D-space-
—F-A-U-N-T-L-E-R-O-Y. Lord Fauntleroy.
—I'm sorry, sir, that's too many characters.
—Too what? Well, just Roy then.
—Actually, if you could, make it LORD Roy. I want the proper title in there.
—Thanks. You're a sweetie.

—Peenya Kowlada for…Lord Roy!


—Lord Roy? Peenya Kowlada?


—Oh. That's me. Here!


I came across a review of Kill Bill: Volume 1 on an "E/N" website. I'd like to share a few clips from it.

Do you know "how" and "when" to punc-tu-ate?


She was getting married? Really? I would have never figured that out myself.

[slaps forehead]

Which family's payroll are you on? I recall a certain gunshot as the catalyst for the entire movie.


Homecoming is this weekend at UCLA. I saw some people making floats for the sorry-ass parade.

I remember in high school, each class would make a parade float for Homecoming. Students and parents would spend days designing and constructing these elaborate compositions of wood, chicken wire, tissue paper and glue. Then, on the day of Homecoming, the floats would parade through our little suburban downtown and later around our school's football field during halftime of the Homecoming game. The best float would be announced and before the third quarter was over, the floats were resting in dumpsters.

I think Homecoming floats are a waste of natural resources, right up there with coffee cup sleeves.


On Friday, Apple will release Panther, the latest version of Mac OS X.

I assumed they called it "Panther" because it's the follow-up to Mac OS X Jaguar.

Then, I saw the box for Panther.

All that's missing is a commercial with Louis Farrakhan speaking in front of a white background.

When I see this advertisement, I think: "If I buy an iPod, I will lose all sense of individuality."

When he's not recording or touring, 50 Cent is ESPN baseball analyst Harold Reynolds.

I'm going to be Johnny Mo (Gordon Liu) for Halloween.


And now, actual pitches for animated series:

—It's about a sponge who wears pants and lives in a pineapple under the sea.

—It's about vegetables who re-live Bible stories.

—It's about the pride of white lions who perform in Siegfried & Roy's Las Vegas act.

—It's about a stripper who fights crime in her off-time.

—It's a 30-minute commercial for a card game.

—It's about a fast food cup, a fry box and a wad of meat who solve mysteries in New Jersey.

—It's about the exploits of the producer of The Godfather.

for ogre

—who was in that class
—the 27 one
—and one other person i cant remember
—but maybe more
—the doors
—morrison, i think
—yeah, jim morrison
—elliott smith was 34
—oh well
—that would have been awesome
—more succesful rock stars should commit suicide at 27

—i wonder if he ever thought "i want to be remembered as the guy who wrote the song in the suicide scene in the royal tenenbaums!"


—the bear trap in straw dogs

—the eye gouge in 28 days later

—joe pesci in goodfellas
—when he beats the shit out of the made man

The Alamo Drafthouse in Austin, TX compiled a list of the 100 best kills that have ever been put on a movie screen and will screen those clips back-to-back next weekend.

If you think you can top their candidate for "best kill ever," bring footage of your kill to Bring Your Own Kill Night on October 25 and win $100.

What kill do you think could win you $100? What kill rules them all? Send your answers in. I don't live in Texas. I'm not seeking to capitalize. I'm just curious.

I'll announce my personal pick later this week.


This has been the best and worst baseball post-season I've ever witnessed.

Thrilling games make for heartbreaking losses. The Giants' close losses were depressing. The Cubs' Game 6 and 7 losses were frustrating. The Red Sox's Game 7 loss made Rory cry, nerves totally shot.

I now find myself reluctantly prepared to cheer on the fuckin' Marlins in the World Series, the same team who gloriously disposed of my wire-to-wire Giants. Anyone but the Yankees.

On second thought, maybe Rory and I will just spend the next week revisiting the Red Sox/A's division series on TiVo. At least for both of us, it's one great post-season series with a happy ending.


There's a Benihana commercial currently airing on television that's obviously inspired by the movie Kill Bill.

A white Uma Thurman-esque woman fights a sword-wielding Asian dude, complete with flips and rips through rice paper screens, while an imitation of the instrumental heard when Lucy Liu and her gang do the Reservoir Dogs walk into the restaurant plays.

We then find out that this is all the fantasy of a woman eating at Benihana with her son.

I don't get it.

Is the food at Benihana supposed to be so good that we'll fantasize about fighting the chef at our table?


Japanese audiences will see an even more explicit version of Kill Bill: Volume 1.

For one thing, one sequence — presented in black-and-white in the US version — will remain in color.

Because of the copious amount of blood on screen, Tarantino thought the MPAA would demand the sequence be cut in order to attain an "R" rating, so he (color) toned it down.

Also in the Japanese version, two fight scenes are extended, and the interaction between The Bride and Sofie Fatale is shown in more graphic detail.

Here's what we know so far about Kill Bill: Volume 2:

— It's less of a samurai movie and more of a spaghetti western in the tradition of Sergio Leone's A Fistful of Dollars.
— There's another animated sequence.
— There's more of what we expect from Tarantino: talky dialogue, chopped-up and out-of-order narrative. Plus, plenty of Carradine's face, which we don't actually see in Volume 1.
— After watching Jackass: The Movie, Tarantino changed what he calls "a brutal bitch fight" in Volume 2 to be…slightly grosser.
— Tarantino has a small role, and he fights.
— Bill dies.


I arrived at the Mann Village as they were letting people in for the 7:00 PM screening. I waited for ticketholders to clear out and then went and stood behind the velvet rope. First in line for the 10:00 PM screening. I checked my watch. 6:45.

The shit I put up with for good seats.

I grew up in northern California and currently attend school in Los Angeles, both places where people watch a lot of movies. I don't know what it's like to walk up to a cinema box office five minutes before showtime and still find good seats.

7:00. Two people had queued up with me. They brought chairs. I was standing around reading the latest Entertainment Weekly when someone interrupted.

—Excuse me, is this the line for Star Wars: Episode III?

I looked up. The guy who said it was smirking. Cute, I thought. Ha. Ha.



He thought I was no fun and walked away.

It occurred to me soon after that that guy is the same fat fuck usually seen at fanboy movie opening nights in Westwood, the same fuck I saw camped out for Star Wars: Episode II on the sidewalk with a 20" TV playing XBox. Sunglasses on the head, black leather jacket, blue jeans — unmistakable!

How dare he unsuccessfully mock me!

—Excuse me, what are you in line for?
—Is this the line for Kill Bill?
—Are you in line for Kill Bill?
—What is this line for?

The flashing marquee behind me says "Kill Bill: Vol. 1" eight times. The Village has one auditorium. Are you people retarded?


FARMINGTON HILLS, Mich.—Head south on Orchard Lake Road, one of suburban Detroit's busiest streets, and on your right, you'll pass a strip mall, a bank, a Chinese restaurant, and what appears to be a Nazi concentration camp.

Actually, it's a new Holocaust museum that resembles a death camp.

Its brick walls are surrounded by wire reminiscent of the electrified barbed wire at Auschwitz. The building's top half is painted in blue and gray vertical stripes, as if it were clothed in an inmate's uniform. A tall elevator shaft looks like a crematorium chimney. Steel tubes resemble gallows.

More than 49,000 cars pass the museum daily, and many of the Detroit area's 96,000 Jews live nearby. Some Jews here, including many survivors, approve of the museum, saying the Holocaust should be displayed in all its gruesomeness, to warn future generations about the consequences of intolerance. It's proper for the museum to be "offensive," says Ira Goldberg, a 39-year-old teacher. "When people pass the building, they should say, 'What the hell is that?'"

Other Jews feel the museum belongs in a more serene setting, rather than on a commercial street, where people must pass it on their way to dinner or the movies. Some say it isn't fair to make everyone live with such a disturbing structure. Imagine an African-American history museum shaped like a lynching tree, they say, or a Sept. 11 memorial featuring flaming towers with airplanes crashing through them.

Built on a nine-acre plot over the shell of a former movie theater, the museum was designed so that every detail is meaningful. […] The museum's red bricks were selected to match those that walled Jews into ghettos. The trees surrounding the museum are stunted and wiry, to suggest starving inmates. One section of the building, painted with inmate stripes, juts into the barbed wire. That represents prisoners who tried to escape. Railroad tracks crisscross the entryway to remind visitors of the death-camp transports.

Rabbi Rosenzveig likes looking at the quizzical faces of drivers stuck in traffic outside the museum. "Stand and watch them," he says. "They're pointing out their windows."
The Wall Street Journal 10.08.03

Some of my best friends are Jews, and with all due respect to them and their people…

OKAY. We get it. The Holocaust was bad. I think, all kidding aside, most everyone would agree that the Holocaust was bad.

Is it really necessary for suburban Detroiters to revisit the Holocaust every day on their way to and from work or school? This museum is the equivalent of Dan Snyder's parents putting a wrecked bloody car on their front lawn. They would never do that though, because no one wants to be reminded of tragedy day after day. Knowledge of it is enough.

The people behind this Holocaust museum should have built it 20 miles down in Dearborn, where Arabs make up roughly one-third of the city's population.