Pizza Hut's latest promotion is Family Movie Night. Get a one of four movies on DVD for free when you buy a large pizza at regular price. Choose from Mr. Mom, All Dogs Go to Heaven 2, Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey and Honeymoon in Vegas.

Mr. Mom? All Dogs Go to Heaven…TWO? Does Pizza Hut really think this promotion is going to help sell pizza? If anything, it might result in increased sales of medium and extra large pizzas.

Comedy Central has better movies, and you don't have to ingest saturated fats to watch them.

Guest Post

Colin / website

Let us look at the facts:
— in 2029 on the eve of losing the war, the machines send a T-800 to 1984, a T-1000 to 1992, and a T-X to 2003
— subsequently, John Connor and the humans, having intercepted ALL of this information somehow, send Kyle Reese (John's father) to 1984, a T-800 to 1992, and a T-800 to 2003

Now, James Cameron originally envisioned a scene in T2 where we see Kyle being sent to 1984 and then John Connor (JC…hey, wait a minute…) about to activate the protecting Terminator of T2. So there's production art where we see a long hallway of inactive T-800s (which would have been a cool effect in 1992). Regardless of this unused scene, you have to figure that if John Connor had two T-800s at his disposal, he had three (or four or five…). They could have sent TWO Terminators to protect John in 1992. They could have sent Kyle Reese AND a Terminator to protect Sarah Connor in 1984 since she was the most vulnerable then. Hell, if the 2029 John Connor knew that the machines sent advanced prototypes to kill his younger self, he could have sent multiple Arnolds to protect him in 2003 — or maybe a 24-7 Terminator bodyguard to hang around years before.

Linda Hamilton is not in T3. In 2003, Sarah Connor is dead. Or is she? In the special edition of T2, we see her in 2029, playing with her grandchildren in a peaceful futuristic Washington DC. Uh-huh. Apparently this is completely ignored in the new movie. Maybe she faked her death and went underground. But that makes no sense as we know she was obsessively set on protecting John.

These are things that need to be considered when making a sequel, especially when everything was *seemingly* wrapped up 11 years ago.

By the way, the Terminator "theory" of time travel works on a different theory than what we see in Back to the Future — which is why John Connor does not disappear at the end of T2.


I was at Jack in the Box today and needed to use the restroom.

Inside, I saw two empty pant legs moving around in a closed stall. I stepped in front of a urinal and unzipped. As I was peeing, I heard a black man talking, presumably from within the closed stall.

"I can't believe this! Shittin' my pants! I haven't done that since I was a baby! 90 degrees out there and I'm walkin' around with shit in my pants! God-DAMN! [pause] Say, who am I talking to?"


Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle

Was it really necessary to film the movie in 2.40:1 widescreen?

Enough smiling already.

Someone on the crew really likes Prodigy.

What, exactly, is the point of the orphan boy? Or Alex's father? Or Bosley's mother? Or the Thin Man? Or this movie?

Four people in front of me in line were reading the new Harry Potter book. Two of them were adults. I was sixth in line.


Why are pornographic magazines sold in airports?

Stores in airports sell last-minute souvenirs and flight necessities.

I can't think of a situation in which the acquisition of porn would be urgent, especially in an airport.

Maybe people buy porn in airports for when they're in a hotel room all alone later. But wouldn't you just want to buy some Spice Channel or something? Why would you buy porn in a crowded public place that's under heavy surveillance?

Moreover, who would actually want to read a porno mag in really close company with people you don't know trapped in the middle seat with a fat boner?

Ogre speculates that maybe porn is available in airports for people who want to join the mile high club, but I don't think the mile high club covers masturbation. Besides, who brags about masturbating in an airplane lavatory?

Mid-Year Report

NARC     $7.00

MAX     $6.00



THE PIANIST     $7.50




GOODFELLAS     $5.00

SHANGHAI KNIGHTS (2)     $7.00/$7.00


DOG SOLDIERS (2)     $9.25/$25.00




DAREDEVIL (2)     $7.50/$10.00




SALO, OR THE 120 DAYS OF SODOM     $3.00


BUBBA HO-TEP     $8.00

CRADLE 2 THE GRAVE     $7.50

VERSUS (2000) (2)     $3.00/FREE


WILLARD     $10.00


STRAW DOGS     $3.50

SPUN     $8.50




Disappointed by the ending? Ben's concluding voiceover narrative was modified from the version shown at Sundance in 2002, ostensibly to soften the ending and make the film more palatable for a wider audience.

In the original version, Ben considers turning himself into the police, but says, "I couldn't let one mistake get in the way of everything I'd worked for. I know the difference between right and wrong, but I guess in the end, I really wanted to go to a good college."

PHONE BOOTH     $7.50

UNFORGIVEN     $3.50



SUPERMAN (1978)     FREE


TAXI DRIVER     $8.00



X2 (2)     FREE/$6.00




THE MATRIX RELOADED (2)     $11.00/$7.50



FINDING NEMO     $14.00



28 DAYS LATER     $8.50



Cast: Jet Li, Tony Leung, Maggie Cheung, Zhang Ziyi, Donnie Yen
Writer/Director: Zhang Yimou

All-star Chinese cast and crew. Visually stunning. Think Crouching Tiger meets The Two Towers.

However, the movie is also shameless fascist propaganda. The hero sets out to assassinate a fascist leader who's terrorizing his people but later realizes that it's better to submit to the fascist leader than to assassinate him because the ideal solution to civil unrest is…submission to the rule of a fascist leader. The fascist leader is thus relieved that the hero won't kill him and in turn KILLS THE HERO. The hero is a hero because he willingly accepts the establishment of a fascist state. Un-fuckin'-believable.

Other than that, it's a good movie.

Hero hits American theatres in November.



M*A*S*H     FREE


SPELLBOUND     $6.00

HULK (2)     $10.50/$10.50

Chris Hyatte on 411 Wrestling:
Saw the Hulk. It was okay… little boring at times.

BUT… that monster had a better acting range than Ben Affleck.

AND… Nick Nolte… my God… Nolte rules.

BUT… there was a climatic scene at the end that was so lame and so off from the rest of the movie that it REEKED of the movie studio meddling in and telling Ang Lee, "Look, we'll let you do the movie your way but you HAVE to throw in this super hero slugfest… no, you HAVE TO… we DEMAND it"

The scene was so lame that Ang Lee shot it in darkness and under water… so the entire sort-of fight was murky to the point of almost being invisible… you just KNOW he was ashamed of it. Got to give the little guy credit… he did what the studio wanted and told them to fuck off at the same time.

See the movie only for the third act… where the Hulk is running around in the desert… beautiful scenery there… and if you can wait… then just rent the thing… it really does drag on at times.


Adam Riff™ Top 10
10. the explosion of Bruce's childhood home

9. during the Right Stuff homage, when the screen blacks out leaving only a meteor shower visual + the two-way mirror sequence between Bruce and Hulk

8. when David Banner's hand merges with blue metal + the ensuing event

7. when "electric" David Banner (who looks like the guy in the American Idol title sequence) chases Hulk through a dark sky and instead of real-time movement, we see strobe light-type imprints of Hulk in the clouds produced by lightning produced by his father

6. Bruce is exposed to radiation and the screen blacks out and a little green mushroom cloud appears in the middle of the screen accompanied by a soft rumbling

5. the title sequence

4. when Bruce lies in a hospital bed listening to his father talk to him, half of his face is lit off-green while the other half is brightly lit, showing his natural skin color

3. the split-screen effects and shot transitions. best editing?

2. the sequence beginning with David Banner revealing the secret behind "the door" and ending with Edith Banner reaching out into an open desert while a green mushroom cloud appears in the background and we hear sad female vocals

1. David Banner's over-the-top conversation with his son in a warehouse. felt like I was watching theatre. Shakespeare

Like Bruce Banner, Jennifer Connelly's hair keeps changing throughout the movie. Also, in almost every scene, she's crying, and she always cries exactly one teardrop. I was half-expecting her to tell Bruce: "I need to believe…that something extraordinary is possible!"

Note to self: Bruce likes Fat Slice. No La Burrita for him.

Many people complained about how CGI Hulk looked fake. I wonder why Universal didn't just hire WWE wrestler Brock Lesnar and paint him green. After all, they are the same studio that first cast The Rock in a movie.



Is that excessive?

the best graduation speech i ever heard

The average American will live about 80 years. Granted, no graduating UCLA student will settle for average anything, but after all is said and done, most of our lives are more than a quarter over, and eighty is creeping ever closer, even as you read this. So, what are you going to do with the rest of your life? Grad school? That's 1/15th-1/8th of your remaining time on Earth. A job? Hell, you can ride that straight to the grave.

If I've learned anything in my 6.25 percent of a lifetime here, its been to minimize the work and maximize the fun, and make the minimal amount of work I'm forced to complete as fun as possible (although writing the occasional six-page essay with a hangover and a half-erection from the previous night's festivities will always be painful).

These are the best days of our lives, we're told. Why wait until we're weak-kneed, hard-of-hearing and senile to enjoy their fruits?

"But the party's over now," you say. "No one will hire a liberal arts student, let alone an English student with a specialization in creative writing. You've been spent at an early age, you'll perish at the hands of a pointless education."

To which I reply: You are sooo wrong.

While all you "smart" kids with "real" degrees are busy dying your ways through law school and med school and teacher's credential programs, I will be serving the public something absolutely necessary for life to flourish: food. And from this artery of general consumption, I will siphon off more than my share of the life's blood, becoming fat in the process.

I will be the charming waiter with the offbeat hair, wowing your spouse with talk of my novel-in-progress and tickling your only-slightly underage children. I will be the reason your significant other asks if you've ever thought about writing or art or anything creative while you're up late reviewing medical journals instead of making love, and I will be the reason your kids grease their hair with pomade and experiment with sex and drugs. I will be the one your family is looking for when they sneak out of your house at night in search of the living.

I am a liver, unjaundiced by any of the toxins a credible degree will sap your life away with.


two a.m. and still no closer…just fucking bury me

In Stephen King's novella The Long Walk, the biggest event in post-apocalyptic America is an annual race-walk featuring a hundred boys. To ensure a lively pace, flatbed trucks carrying soldiers shadow them along the side of the road. Whenever their speed falls below three miles an hour, the soldiers bark out a warning. The fourth time, they get shot. The contestants hike down I-95 until they're killed or drop dead of exhaustion. The last survivor receives The Prize. The Prize is anything the winner desires. The Prize is all anyone ever talks about. In the end, of course, there is no prize. After the crowds go home, the winner is quietly executed.

In pre-apocalyptic America, parents force their kids to run an eighteen-year-long marathon for a similarly futile remnant of the American Dream called The Promise. Graduate from the right college, The Promise goes, and you'll learn all you need to know, land a good job, have a great life. The catch is that you have to survive countless filters — grades, tests, demographics, luck — to get into a good school. For the lucky few, college is a worthwhile learning experience, vital to shaping the leaders of tomorrow. Just kidding. College students mainly learn how to fuck, snooze, and get soused.

College is for suckers. Like me.

"College-bound" students devote their childhoods to the hope of receiving a thick letter from a college admissions office. They join cheesy activities they don't really like: student government, marching band, Latin Club, yearbook. They invest hundreds of dollars on test-prep courses for the PSAT, ACT, and SAT. Then they take tests again — as many as four times — to raise their scores.

So you've gotten into the school of your dreams? Don't ease up now! The same vicious atmosphere of competition prevails here — you'll need the right grades to get the right college recruitment offer from the right company, or even make it to graduation. Given up on the job market? You'll still need at least a 3.5 GPA to get into a good graduate school! The treadmill never stops.

Until the day your heart stops beating, people will ask you where you went to college. Your answer to that cocktail-party question will often determine what people think of you, what jobs you'll be considered for, whether or not you'll be promoted, whether your in-laws will approve of you.

Everyman: So where do you go to school?
Everyman: Good school. What are you majoring in?
Me: English.
Everyman: …..oh. [fake smile / awkward silence] So how about them Giants?

If you're lucky, your glowing personality, savvy wit and stunning achievements can overcome an education deficit…if you're lucky. You won't even be safe from the cult of college when you die; your alma mater will rate a prominent mention in your obituary.

Most of college is a waste of time though. For full-time students, classes take up to perhaps fifteen hours a week. If they're diligent, they may study and work on assignments perhaps another fifteen hours. The rest is down time — numerous naps, soap operas on TV, marathon sex sessions and learning about drugs from friends. Not that sex and TV and sleeping are bad or anything, but should we really spend four years of our lives screwing and sleeping?

Arguably, most classes are worthless too. Many are rehashes of topics you already studied in high school; others move too slowly to offer an intellectual challenge. Still others are taught by inept graduate students or professors with no interest in teaching. Few classes are devoted to intellectual exploration or problem-solving. English lit students parrot what they suspect their professors want to hear. Chemistry professors jot formulas on the chalkboard; students are so busy copying them into their notebooks that they don't have time to think about what they mean. The real work will occur at night when they try to unravel the stuff on their own. Grades are capricious and therefore worthless.

Worst of all, most college students learn to regurgitate information rather than think for themselves. They take notes as their professors blather on and on, but rarely question them out of fear of getting low grades. They read books outside class, then they come in to be told what they mean. They've been programmed for employment.

In an ideal world, education would be customized to the needs and desires of every student. In reality, college students work through codified curricula that fit a school's lowest common denominator. This rote regurgitation that passes for thought is excellent training for working as a corporate drone, but it's not an education.


1 more movie we can't wait to see

Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle
Cast: John Cho, Kal Penn, Anthony Anderson, Luis Guzmán, Neil Patrick Harris, Jamie Kennedy, Ryan Reynolds, Jay Chandrasekhar
Crew: director: Danny Leiner
Release Date: 2004

Two roommates in their 20s — one a Korean investment banker, the other an Indian medical resident — get stoned and decide to journey to a White Castle burger stand for their famous 39 cent hamburgers. Of course, they find the road is paved with many obstacles.

What sold us: The cameo by M. Night Shyamalan


I'm sick of always hearing
All those sad songs on the radio
This place, it's fucking cursed and it's plagued
And I can never escape when my heart it explodes

I can't forgive
Can't forget
Can't give in
What went wrong
'Cause you said this was right
You fucked up my life
Blink 182"What Went Wrong?"

Exactly three years ago, a chain of events began which resulted in my indefinite suspension from high school five days before I was to graduate. Guilt and bitterness over what happened continue to eat at me to this day. I'm stuck in a moment I can't get out of. My high school classmates mock me for still caring. They tell me to grow up.

Okay. Let's grow up, Jon.

This is the last time I will publicly discuss my underage emasculation. After 06.13, the story's going back in the vault.

Tavenner | My Yearbook Advisor + Assistant Principal
Jon, I am deeply hurt by what you did. You betrayed me.

There's a reason we pulled Senior Superlatives from the yearbook. You saw how students were upset with the awards they won and you still went behind my back and published them in the Oracle. I can't believe you.

Did you know that Chris Brooks came up to me today and complained about being featured in the Oracle as "Biggest Brownnoser"?

We should have had a discussion about this beforehand.

Jon, you have to realize that I care deeply about the students at this school. When you do something like this…it hurts.


Farrell | U.S. History AP Teacher
Big throbbing erections, eh?

Junior year, I do a DIVE presentation on the rise and fall of the mental institution and/or the mentally ill. I play a mentally retarded Southerner in a one-act play. I develop giant throbbing erections every time I looked at Mrs. Tavenner. I'm beginning to think that there's something seriously wrong with me.

Hey Matt, did you read Jon's column?

Neely | Assistant Principal
UGH. Jon Yu disgusts me.

What? What about him? The column?

The column…everything. Everything about him just disgusts me. I can't even look at him while I'm saying this! Do you know how much legal shit we could end up in because of what he wrote?

Paul | Drama Teacher
You know, to tell you the truth, I thought parts of your column were really funny.

Here I was worried that I'd get in trouble over the picture of Derek holding a shot glass in the yearbook and turns out it's things in the newspaper that get me in trouble instead. Heh.


10 movies we can't wait to see

10. The Anarchist Cookbook
Cast: Devon Gummersall, Dylan Bruno, Katherine Towne
Crew: writer/director: Jordan Susman
Release Date: 07.18

Puck (Gummersall), a clever college dropout, joins a radical commune out of sheer boredom. Sit-ins, protests, and a lot of sex and drugs ensue, until Puck finds himself in a tug-of-war between a charismatic mini-Führer (Bruno) and a beautiful Young Republican (Towne) with a fetish for leather and George W. Bush.

What sold us: People are comparing it to Fight Club

9. Infernal Affairs
Cast: Andy Lau, Tony Leung Chiu-Wai, Anthony Wong, Eric Tsang
Crew: directors: Andrew Lau, Alan Mak
Release Date: 06.09 + 06.14 @ Seattle International Film Festival

A major drug deal is about to go down in Hong Kong, and the good guys and bad guys both face the problem of digging out the mole in their forces. Yan (Chiu-Wai) is a gang member who's really a cop — no one knows his identity except police superintendent Wong (Wong) — and he's going nuts from too many years spent undercover. His counterpart Ming (Lau), also on the force, is actually working for drug boss Sam (Tsang). Yan and Ming race against the clock to uncover one another.

What sold us: Best picture, best director, best actor, best supporting actor, best screenplay, best editing, and best song at the 2003 Hong Kong Film Awards

8. Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle
Cast: Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore, Lucy Liu, Bernie Mac, Demi Moore, Justin Theroux, Matt LeBlanc, Luke Wilson, Crispin Glover, Mary Kate + Ashley Olsen
Crew: director: McG
Release Date: 06.27

Bad guys leak the Witness Protection Program's secret names list, and all the squawkers drop like flies. Enter Charlie's Angels.

What sold us:
Jon: its self-awareness as a visually stunning but ultimately pointless sequel
Rory: great taste!
Brodie: less filling!

7. Bad Santa
Cast: Billy Bob Thornton, Tony Cox, Bernie Mac, Lauren Graham, John Ritter
Crew: director: Terry Zwigoff, story: Ethan Coen, Joel Coen
Release Date: 10.24

The story of two conmen (Thornton, Cox) who go on a road trip to malls dressed as Santa and his elf. Rather than spreading good cheer, the duo's motive is to rob each establishment, a strategy that becomes complicated when they encounter an eight-year-old who teaches them the true meaning of Christmas.

What sold us: Elf won't be rated R

6. Dirty Pretty Things
Cast: Audrey Tautou, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Sergi Lopez, Sophie Okonedo
Crew: director: Stephen Frears, writer: the co-creator of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?
Release Date: 07.18

Okwe (Ejiofor) is a Nigerian immigrant in England who barely ekes out a living working days as a cab driver and nights as a porter at a rather shady hotel when not dodging the British equivalent of the INS.

Whatever little sleep Okwe requires is spent on the couch in a flat belonging to Senay (Tautou), an independent young Turkish woman seeking asylum in England while working under the table as a housekeeper in the same hotel.

One day while dispatched to attend to the overflowing toilet of a room occupied by a hooker (Okonedo), Okwe makes a disturbing discovery: The blockage in question turns out to be a fully intact human heart.

In short order, Okwe uncovers a nasty little operation overseen by the hotel's smarmy Spanish manager (Lopez) that provides fast cash and phony passports in exchange for freshly donated organs.

And it turns out a desperate Senay is among those seriously considering a kidney donation.

What sold us: How many black comedies about illegal immigration do you know of?

5. Envy
Cast: Ben Stiller, Jack Black, Christopher Walken, Rachel Weisz, Amy Poehler
Crew: director: Barry Levinson, story/producer: Larry David
Release Date: 08.15

Tim (Stiller) and Nick (Black) are best friends, neighbors and co-workers, whose equal footing is suddenly tripped up when one of Nick's harebrained get-rich-quick schemes actually succeeds — Vapoorizer, a spray that makes dog poop, or any kind of poop, evaporate into thin air. Tim, who had scoffed at Nick's idea and passed on an opportunity to get in on the deal, can only watch as Nick's fortune and his own envy grow to outrageous proportions. The flames of jealousy are fanned by an oddball drifter (Walken) who takes it upon himself to help fix Tim's situation, but only causes his life (and Nick's) to careen more wildly out of control.

What sold us: The incredible cast and crew, especially our lover Ben Stiller and Larry David, who, of course, created Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm

4. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Cast: Jim Carrey, Kate Winslet, Kirsten Dunst, Tom Wilkinson, Elijah Wood, Mark Ruffalo, David Cross
Crew: director: Michel Gondry, writer: Charlie Kaufman
Release Date: 11.14

Joel (Carrey) is stunned to discover that his girlfriend Clementine (Winslet) has had her memories of their tumultuous relationship erased. Out of desperation, he contracts the inventor of the process, Dr. Howard Mierzwaik (Wilkinson), to have Clementine removed from his own memory. But as Joel's memories progressively disappear, he begins to rediscover their earlier passion. From deep within the recesses of his brain, Joel attempts to escape the procedure. As Dr. Mierzwiak and his crew (Dunst, Ruffalo, Wood) chase him through the maze of his memories, it's clear that Joel just can't get her out of his head.

What sold us: The incredible cast and crew Most of the movie takes place in his head

3. The Backyard
Cast: Rob Van Dam, The Lizard, Chaos, Karnage, Sic, Heartless, Scar
Crew: director: Paul Hough
Release Date: 07.25

An acclaimed documentary that explores the controversial phenomenon of backyard wrestling, where lightbulbs, fire, barbed wire, mouse traps, staple guns, thumbtacks, and glass are the weapons of choice. Follow several backyard wrestlers as they pursue their dreams of going pro.


2. Kill Bill
Cast: Uma Thurman, David Carradine, Daryl Hannah, Michael Madsen, Vivica A. Fox, Lucy Liu, Gordon Liu, Samuel L. Jackson
Crew: writer/director: Quentin Tarantino
Release Date: 10.10

An assassin (Thurman), shot and left for dead at her wedding by her former employer (Carradine) and his associates, wakes from a coma and seeks revenge.

What sold us: A single scene required 100 gallons of blood and was so elaborate that it took nearly as long to shoot as all of Pulp Fiction

1. The Hebrew Hammer
Cast: Adam Goldberg, Judy Greer, Andy Dick, Mario Van Peebles, Peter Coyote, Nora Dunn
Crew: writer/director: Jon Kesselman
Release Date: 06.06 @ Seattle International Film Festival, 06.24 @ Berlin Jewish Film Festival in…Seattle

What Jewish kid hasn't fantasized that Rambo, Wonder Woman, or the Sundance Kid were yids who could swoop down and make the world safe from teasing gentile classmates? Finally, as if summoned from the imaginations of misfits everywhere, comes Mordechai Jefferson Carver (Goldberg), a.k.a. the Hebrew Hammer — a badass motherfucker with chutzpah enough to kick ass for the Tribe. Sporting pais (earlocks) and black leather, he's a Manishewitz-slugging Semitic Superfly, a titan of tolerance, who, as a Jew-boy at Catholic school, endured his share of scorn…especially when it came to Hanukkah.

So when Santa's evil son Damien (Dick) topples jolly Saint Nick and threatens to wipe out Hanukkah altogether, who you gonna call? The baaaddest Heeb around! As Damien demonically pushes the Christmas spirit on Hassidic children (using none other than highly addictive It's a Wonderful Life videos), the Hammer has no choice but to mount a serious offensive. Enlisting Esther (Greer) from the "Jewish Justice League" and Mohammed (Van Peebles), chief of the "Kwanzaa Liberation Front," he ventures to the Holy Land, the North Pole, and even to his mother's Sabbath dinner table, all in hot pursuit of the red-suited rogue.

What sold us: (tie) Melvin Van Peebles reprises his role as Sweetback from 1971's Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song! + the "Jewxploitation" flick's theme song