Drugs of the Future

Ecstasy Lite:
A milder version of Ecstasy that induces a milder, less embarrassing level of euphoria.

Typical Testimonial:
"I suddenly had this contented feeling. Like I'd just been told I had a really good credit rating."

Potential Side Effects:
User may experience a very mild depression, equivalent to the sense of loss one feels upon losing a favorite comb.

Heroinette:
All the side effects of heroin, with none of the mental slowdown.

Typical Testimonial:
"Five minutes after shooting up, I was drooling, nodding, and absentmindedly scratching my arms and legs. Later, I vomited. But I was completely lucid and conscious, so I could enjoy every single second of it."

Potential Side Effects:
Loss of friends.

Direct Access:
An electrode is connected to the neurons in your brain's "pleasure center." An unobtrusive flesh-colored wire runs out of your ear and is connected to a big red button. Each time you push the button, a mild electrical pulse provides a psychoelectrical stimulus directly to a very special part of your brain.

Typical Testimonial:
"Like having a five-hour orgasm, with none of the laundry problems."

Potential Side Effects:
May make some users ejaculate out of their tear ducts.

Anticrack:
The perfect antidote to a good hit of crack.

Typical Testimonial:
"I'm a crack connoisseur. I can tell good crack from bad crack, and I use both extensively. Anticrack did just as it promised. It took me down to a relaxed, contemplative state, whereby I could calmly and rationally decide to take some more crack. Crack, anticrack, crack, anticrack — I went back and forth like this for quite a while, trying to find an even point. Suddenly a month had passed and I found myself in Milwaukee."

Potential Side Effects:
None when used correctly.

Even-Odd:
Ingesting this pill ensures a fifty-fifty chance that you will die within the next fifteen minutes. Quite a thrill — makes you make the most of the next fifteen minutes. A gambler's delight.

Typical Testimonial:
"My whole life passed before my eyes. I swore to myself that if I survived I would spend the rest of my life helping others. I did, and I've dedicated my life to turning other people on to this wonderful drug. At least half of them have reported spiritual awakenings similar to mine."

Potential Side Effects:
50 percent chance of death.

Cash-on-Hand:
You pay a predetermined amount of cash. The dealer then takes you to a secluded location and opens a briefcase full of up to two thousand dollars — in genuine 1980s-style cash money! You are permitted to look at the cash for thirty seconds, or until you faint from excitement. Your cash payment is then added to the dealer's briefcase, making your next Cash-on-Hand high even more profound.

Typical Testimonial:
"The second time was even better: seeing my own cash money in there with all the other cash money was just too much. I had to get more cash money so that I could see it again."

Potential Side Effects:
May cause irreversible wistfulness and nostalgia for the late 1980s.

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